Happy New Year or what?

It's always with both sentimentality feelings and hope (and a pinch of fear) I celebrate  New Year. When we're sick, we all know, what we hope for.  But after so many years, I'm scared to hope for better times. I've been disappointed each time, so why hope?...

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Go to sleep 5 - The bed

After Christmas I realized, that maybe lack of sleep its not only caused by mental illness or insomnia. Some people can sleep anywhere! Even leaning against a tree or resting on the floor in Frankfurt Airport! I can't! ...

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Go to sleep 4 - Close your eyes and watch a movie

Sometimes thoughts can be pounding around in my head so bad, I don't even get to finish the first thoughts, before the next is interfering. When I can't get rid of the pink elephant in the room, I can't fly with Peter Pan, it's impossible for me to focus....

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Merry Christmas with mixed feelings

I know, there's a Christmas break in my writing, but as everybody else, I have been very busy, a bit stressed and confused....

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Go to sleep 3 - Go Flying with Peter Pan

I'm sure "the wise men" would put this method into a box and label it dissociation, meditation or another -ion.  In this case; does it really matter(?)...

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Go to sleep 2 - Nature medicin

Not everything is better, because it has passed a laboratory during production.  Actually I can't imagine why it should be better "served this way." The opposite seems more likely....

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Go to sleep 1 - Medication

I haven't been able to sleep for a while now, so when my methods is not working for me, I change it to another.  What options do I have(?) Sleep medication seems to be a common choise, so let's get that discussion done as the first task, to get that out of our system. ...

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When depression hits

Depression and anxiety often goes hand in hand. We talk about depression a lot, like it was just a state of mind: " oh I feel so depressed today." Oh you do, do you? No you actually don't, cause when you say it like that, you have not the faintest idea of what depression means or feels like....

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I sleep and miss out on activities

I feel like time and thereby my life is passing by, while I'm sleeping or especially trying to sleep. I contrast to the feeling of being left out and unappreciated, I also hate that my sleep is so unstable, that I can't make a real plan for next day. Everything depends on how I slept that night, if I got any sleep at all!...

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True friends are the best shrinks

Friends, I think we all know theese guys and girls from the TV-show, no matter how old we are. Besides that I like the show cause it has the perfect stupidity for my taste, I love the unconditional love that's displayed amongst the 6 people in the show....

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Feeling alone and rejected

By now I've tried SO many times to feel forgotten, unappreciated and unwanted. I would think, that I have got used to that by now, but I never really totally do....

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My brain with PTSD is like a pool game

The most frustrating is the memory loss. It gives me many practical challenges. I'm totally lost without my calendar and my phone....

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Live with a fixed schedule

Make yourself a daily routine, and stick to it, also during weekends.  This helps your sleep, digestion and doesn't make you body confused by flexing scheduled time....

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Who am I supposed to kill...

to get a little sleep around here??? The answer, I think, must be me!  Well let's not take THAT road!...

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Panic Attacks Summary

This page is build of keyword from "journal notes" and what I have experienced helps in the particular situation The details are discussed in several previous posts, this is meant as a fast overview. If you think something is lacking, please write to me, and I'll add it to the list...

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Herbal tea

I have skipped coffee and went straight to herbal tea several years ago. That was a huge improvement of my health and emotions, since I became less stressed. Now I only drink herbal tea, and why not benefit from all the witch doctors and see, what we can actually use in an effective way according to beliegvers of wicca or natural medicine. If I sound skeptic, don't just hurry along to the next subject - I'm a firm believer in this, because...

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My own reactions on low blood sugar

Bring it to the test when ready! That's kind of what "the Farmer" started out to do.  Now I do the same, when I read or hear something, that might seem as a solution on one or reaccuring problems. ...

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Blood sugar and emotions

I've read a story about a woman who was committed to the mental hospital for 3 years, until they finally discovered that she suffered from hypoglycemia, low bloodsugar....

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At the Hospital with mom

I haven't been at a computer for several days. Mom and I have been to the Hospital for her cancer surgery....

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Living with short time memory loss

With all the remedies we have in our household, it's easy to remember all tasks. Just put an alarm on the phone, and you're done.  ...

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At least buy me dinner first (Little steps)

It takes a lot of courage and self persuasion to fight against anxiety and depression. There's of course a difference, even though one us rarely seen without the othe...

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Blue lights makes sleepless nights

I've been reading about this several times : Blue light, the kind you get from monitors, TV, computer, phone etc is killing your sleep....

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Arrival at the Mental Hospital

When you arrive at the Mental Hospital, it may look as the rest of the hospital OR it may be an old building.  Try not to pay attention to the looks on the outside....

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Sex Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and depression travels close amongst each other, most often followed by low self esteem. I've been in such a black hole, that I thought I didn't deserve to be loved or even get a hug from anybody....

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SAD challenge and restless activities

I feel restless.  My monthly "sickness income" is getting less and less, and even though the government think so: I do not get better just because they cut in my income. Further more it is the governments waiting lists for hospitals, that has kept me there......

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My calendar has control

I've lost track of days and sleepless nights. Everything I do with my time right now is going to surgery myself, that went fine. ...

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Hospital Packing Checklist

You are not going overseas for a year, so be critical when packing for the hospital commitment. ...

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Surgery today

More Hospitals, but this time I finally got thru the waiting list after 6 months! I dunno... I didn't really think about it, I think I've gone totally numb. ...

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Now we know it is cancer

I was tired, and the trains schedule didn't really fit my appointments. Never the less I arrived at the Hospital early, which I was prepared for....

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Merry Christmas thank you mom

I am so disappointed, I can't even begin to describe it. Finally I thought they started to believe in me again and look at me with the same eyes of respect and love, that my family used to. But it turns out, that the only reason mom wanted me at the hospital was because she needed a driver. ...

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Headaches

A couple of months ago I started to get these terrible headaches. It's worst in the forehead, sometimes it also right in front of the ears and even in my teeth. I know nothing is wrong with my teeth, but it hurts anyway....

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I wonder how long this trip is going to take

Walks on the lonely never ending hallways of the Hospital late in the evening... Muffled sounds far away from other people in the same situation....

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Restlessness is a pain in the butt

I'm pacing back and fort. Go to get something, forget what it was, sees something else, and starts with that, until the next thing happens.. I had started on the pantry. Finds some boxes for the kitchen. Mess a little around there, until I recall the pantry.  ...

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I am in robot mode

I think it's a sort of dissociation, the bad kind. It's not like I suddenly have multiple identities, but I'm cleaning house like my life depended on it....

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I am so tired

A lot of my energy must be drained out. I slept all afternoon. Fell asleep early. Couldn't wake up this morning. I guess it's my self defence who's trying to get me into the state of escape. Just sail away on an ocean of dreams... I know I can't go thru life blindfolded, so I'll have to wake up from this depressive state and be the support I have allways been. But for now, I hope the dreams will sail me away into an long relaxing calm night, I know I'll need my energy soon enoug...

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A day with mom at the hospital

I haven't been nervous at all. If I thought about that I was going, it was thoughts about regular stuff, practical things. I had decided to take the train, since it stops right outside the hospital. The I'd avoid morning traffic and most import I would not have the stress of finding a parking spot. Well I got the excitement from taking the train anyway. So dressed in decent clothes (nothing flashy or overdressed) I'm now sitting in the train, rocking away to my destination. I'm annoyed with blogger app, cause I can't make decent updates, unless...

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Looking ill does not help you

I'm going with my mom to the hospital. To do that, I manage with several tools, where one of them is to look my best (at least ok) before I leave. I don't care about how other people dress.  This is one of my tools, pretending I don't feel like I feel. I think you find the most outstanding actors in people with anxiety and depression. We live it each and every day. But I'm going for my mom, and I'll be damned if I don't do my absolute best....

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My mother is sick

While I was at my friends place, I got a call that they have discovered "something" on one of her kidneys. It was late in the evening, so we waited to go until the next day. We had a quiet lunch, nothing sad about it. To my mom it hasn't really caught up yet. As for me... I don't know if it's my defence shield or something, but to me it can't be bad. It simply can't....

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I want to see my friend, but do not want to leave

It seemed like a great idea a week ago, but now I'd prefer it differently. We are going to visit an old school friend or mine. He is a true friend and an absolutely wonderful person. But now I don't want to go. I'll end up going any way, and as usual I'm sure, I'm going to have a great tim...

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Emotional support dog (ESA)

Who doesnt want to come home to a little cuddely friend who is SO happy to see you, cause you are their center of the whole universe.... One huge mistake so made several years ago, was to get an alarm installed in my house. It prevented me from having a pet, and I felt SO scared and alone it's indescribable. ...

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Chat rooms

I have been asked about chatrooms, and I've also been recommended to make one for this site. It's always great to get ideas from you all. I know that the wish to stay anonymous is important to many, so there's a lot if the current 18000+ readers I don't hear from. It would also be too overwhelming....

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I lost my GPS of my day

The end is near - almost. I lost my calendar somewhere, I have searched all over, it's no where to be found... And the idiotic part of the story is,  that I feel totally lost without it. I can't remember anything I haven't written down. I don't know time and date for my next doctors visit, dentist, surgery, appointments with friends or anything!...

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Hard moments during a day

There is certain times during a day, that's worse than others.  Of course days with panic attacks is the worst, but in the daily routine there's obstacles too. Getting up in the morning used to be a struggle, when I was living alone. Actually the worst was not as much to get up, as it was the thought of what I was going to do afterwards... Leaving the house pretending all day, that I'M FINE!!...

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Medication is making me wanna puke

I don't get a truck load of medication for anxiety and depression anymore.  That's by my choise, not the docs. It's my impression they would medicate my brain away, if they could decide....

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How does it feel to have a panic attack?

Panic attacks, aka anxiety attacks, often come suddenly and almost without warning. A panic attack ofcourse feels slightly different depending on the persons you ask, but most symptoms and feelings are the same. When I felt an anxiety attack the first time, I literally thought I was dying. My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear the heart beat in my ears. My chest started to tighten more and more, like I had an elephant sitting on me....

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A typical day with short time memory loss

As a side effect from PTSD I have short time memory loss. How do you get any work done with that? I'm about to say I don't get anything done, but that's not totally true. But I forget what I am doing. Easily....

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Does anybody's dreams ever come true?

Sometimes it seems like my dreams never will come true. I've lived so long trying to meet every expectation from my husband, then the children, and now... Nothing. A psychiatrist once asked me... What do YOU want? What are YOUR interests? I thought a long time about that, and I didn't know! Now I wish to move though. But I start to wonder, if that will ever happen before I die....

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Dissociating / Diversion

I've thought about the difference between dissociation and diversion. It may seem a bit alike, but in fact it's two totally different subjects. I've made some notes from a lot of reading, cause I think it's important to know the difference. Dissociation - when the mind and body "splits into two"... To be able to move focus from what's hurting, whether it's a psychological of physical pain. Some people can handle extreme pain by dissociatio...

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Overwhelming feelings

Thank you very much for your kind and heartwarming emails. I'm currently not writing much, I know, but don't worry, I'm hanging in there and am currently fighting off my own demons. I'm frustrated about a lot of stuff, and as usual, If there's too much, it's like clothes in a dryer, rolling around in a big mess. And I can't seem to find the button to turn it off. But it's the "normal" stuff like Will I ever get better? What about employment? Can...

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect. But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music. I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting. There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while....

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Stop yelling at me

If not everything is my fault, how come do I always come to be the bad guy? What the he'll have I done to deserve to be yelled at, ignored and interrupted? Don't you think I'd prefer not to be sick? How do you think I feel about not having a job? How do you think it is to be scared of stuff that goes on in my mind? Do you really have to remind me? Do you hate me so damn much, that you feel the need to put me down further?...

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A basket full of stone..

During bad days I sometimes reflect on moments in my life, that was difficult, but I got thru them. We were having some huge problems in the family several years ago. One part would not accept the invitation for my son's baptize, if the other part came. They forced me to chose. Yeah right, that's really an annoying place to be in. I talked with the priest and he told me this story... ...

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