Merry Christmas with mixed feelings

I know, there's a Christmas break in my writing, but as everybody else, I have been very busy, a bit stressed and confused.

The best (and worst) thing is, that my daughter should sleep with us for several days. 

I had been so excited about this, that I had worked too hard on her room to get it perfect. 

My problems sleeping was not better, because I was excited as a child for days.

So when she finally arrived, I was so tired the next morning, that I slept all day. 

I could cry... 

I wasted a whole day with my daughter, because I couldn't sleep several nights before. How idiotic is that(?)

Either I'm scared out of my mind, and tired because if that, otherwise my thoughts is playing pool in my mind - and finally add to the list "I'm so excited".
Geez, how am I supposed to win(?)

The secondary thoughts is kind of the usual; for Christmas we weren't "chosen" by my own mother, who again preferred the company of her sister.
And at my father's place, my stepmom was talking pictures of everyone else and their children - not my children and us. Maybe it's the HSP showing....
But HSP or not, I start to feel less and less sad about that. I just told everyone that this will be our last Christmas in the country. Next year we travel to go skiing. And I really look forward to that.

It probably means, I will have to sell the car, cause my sick leave and all the blood medication eats my money. But you know what(?) 

This is MY way of saying "I really don't give a fuck about your adult bullying anymore, now I make the choise for you: you don't get the option to be with us anymore. Problem solved." 

I chose to be with the ones, who like our company, not the ones who invites us rarely and most likely only invites us, because they feel obligated to.

After all it's  better to be happy and poor, than rich and messed up inside.

Another thing I discovered is, that all the stress of travelling, I can't handle that right now. 

The constant going to this and that is messing my thoughts up. It's like a movie on high speed!

If we were only going to one place to stay for several days, and then go home - then I could perfectly handle it.

But the constant packing into the car in the morning, unpacking at arrival, visiting, then packing again, and unpacking when we get back home - that stresses me. Cause I have to check, and double check, and can't remember what I checked and check again.

And noise. When entering a room with a lot if people talking... Talk, talk, talk. At first it doesn't bother me, but sooner or later sounds starts to freak me out. I get irritated, I can't be in the room, I need to get away, something  so at one point I, in sort of a panic to make it go away, closed eyes and muffled the sound in my ears and - this is new for me too - I couldn't focus on relaxing and started to count backwards from 100. WOW that really worked!!! I really have to remember this under panic attacks!

But my main sadness right now is the fact, that my lack of sleep has ruined a day with my daughter.
It was the day after Christmas, and it was a day meant to relax. 

But I didn't really imagine it, as me sleeping in the sofa next to my daughter all day!!!

I really really hope that I get this sleep under control. Preferably before I go insane!