On the other hand I actually wonder, how many of them suffers from mental illness (?)
Showing posts with label Feeling Numb. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feeling Numb. Show all posts
Drug abuse is no ones dream
Now we know it is cancer
I was tired, and the trains schedule didn't really fit my appointments. Never the less I arrived at the Hospital early, which I was prepared for.
Merry Christmas thank you mom
I am so disappointed, I can't even begin to describe it.
Finally I thought they started to believe in me again and look at me with the same eyes of respect and love, that my family used to.
But it turns out, that the only reason mom wanted me at the hospital was because she needed a driver.
After my mental breakdown I felt numb, I wish...
After I had my mental breakdown, or nervous breakdown - whatever they call it - I felt numb. Like feeling nothing at all, I was just a zombie, or a robot, doing what I had to do.
Right now I wish I was back in that place, where I feel numb. Depression has hit me hard, and I get the worst anxiety attacks.
There's so much practical stuff, that I wish I could do, but just the thought of it makes me scared. I feel I should just command my body to get moving and get stuff done - but I cant.
The Psychologist said, that I should accept, that I am sick - but... That is really difficult. Both to accept it, but also practically. I'm alone, and I need to take care of the children. My neighbor stops by almost daily, and its nice to have an adult to talk with - but I really wish I was not alone with all the responsibilities that comes with taking care of the children and the house.
Practically I have difficulties with being sick, there's task that I need to do. But I can't find the energy, desire or motivation to do it.
Right now I wish I was back in that place, where I feel numb. Depression has hit me hard, and I get the worst anxiety attacks.
There's so much practical stuff, that I wish I could do, but just the thought of it makes me scared. I feel I should just command my body to get moving and get stuff done - but I cant.
The Psychologist said, that I should accept, that I am sick - but... That is really difficult. Both to accept it, but also practically. I'm alone, and I need to take care of the children. My neighbor stops by almost daily, and its nice to have an adult to talk with - but I really wish I was not alone with all the responsibilities that comes with taking care of the children and the house.
Practically I have difficulties with being sick, there's task that I need to do. But I can't find the energy, desire or motivation to do it.
Personal note: Cutting My Self
I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now.
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now.
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.
Personal Note - Status Ultimo January
I have been writing facts, cold and hard facts, about my Psychologist and doctors visits. About medication, about tools, about research.
I haven't been writing much about how I feel, and how I am otherwise doing.
Physical facts:
Well, my wight is climbing. I am now at 51,4 kg. That's a huge progress from the 47,4 that I was looking at 14 days ago. I still feel cold, but well, there's mother nature facts too, it's cold outside, so that's only natural.
I trow up sometimes still, not by choice, but I guess that the weight climbing is a good fact.
I still hate eating, I still hate the process of making food (before I was enjoying to work for hours in the kitchen).
I'm bleeding again, like a period, but its not.
Mental facts:
I miss to have a man to come home to. I know I have the children, but it is not the same.
I miss to have someone to fall asleep with, someone to cuddle, someone to have sex with.
I wish, that I had the desire to live, I don't. I don't see anything positive in the future.
Well, maybe I'll finish this another day, for now I'm too tired.
I haven't been writing much about how I feel, and how I am otherwise doing.
Physical facts:
Well, my wight is climbing. I am now at 51,4 kg. That's a huge progress from the 47,4 that I was looking at 14 days ago. I still feel cold, but well, there's mother nature facts too, it's cold outside, so that's only natural.
I trow up sometimes still, not by choice, but I guess that the weight climbing is a good fact.
I still hate eating, I still hate the process of making food (before I was enjoying to work for hours in the kitchen).
I'm bleeding again, like a period, but its not.
Mental facts:
I miss to have a man to come home to. I know I have the children, but it is not the same.
I miss to have someone to fall asleep with, someone to cuddle, someone to have sex with.
I wish, that I had the desire to live, I don't. I don't see anything positive in the future.
Well, maybe I'll finish this another day, for now I'm too tired.
Medication regulation and eating
After my first session with the Psychologist, the agreement was to get my medication checked with my personal doc.
I didn't really care, only if they would serve me a doc Kevakian treatment.
if I could just get out the "easy way", that would be great.
But I fight for the sake of my children.
I went to my personal doctor, accompanied by my friend and neighbor: Rie.
First priority was to get my medication regulated:
I now get the following medication:
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 75 mg, but working my way to 100 (I cant go to 100 mg in one day - I started on 50 mg and work up)
This drug is what people in general refer to as "happiness pills" but they don't work from one day to another.
The medication helps with the building of the signals in the brain, so that the messages between the brain cells is being send to the right places.
I have used this medication before, and I know it works. I have many years ago been on 400 mg a day - that is not good for me.
So we start with the base dose and work up - but I know the limit for me is 300 mg
2. Tolmin
(Mianserinhydrochlorid)
This is also an anti depressant drug, that helps the nr. 1 working.
The reason I started on it now - yesterday - is that for me, it has 2 side effects:
When I take it, I fall asleep 15-20 minutes after.
The second side effect is, that it makes me hungry!
I got it today, and I cant take it right now because of the first side effect, but my hope is, that when I start taking it, I will start eating again.
3. Apozepam
(Diazepam)
Well, that's the good stuff, that works in 15 minutes.
Its the stuff that keeps me from drinking/medicating myself.
On a normal day, where everything is fine, I don't need anything - but a hug from you. See your smile, you telling me how wonderful I am, having sex with you - that's my normal dose.
Well, I don't have that anymore.
I get apozepam regularly now, even though the doctor wont normally describe it.
Its a heavy drug.
I'm from 2 mg a day to 15 now. It is effective, but it is also addictive -that's why the docs don't give it normally.
4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
It is quite expensive however.
On daily basis, where I need to be able to drive, I cant take the apozepam. Then I take "Valerina forte"
When I needed to sleep, I take "drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"
With the apozepam and the tolmin, I think Ill quit the nature medicine.
The eating / vomiting:
Thats not easy. Its affected by ny wish not to live.
I got a prescription for some "drinks", that should be good for me.
Got it the same day - tastes like crap.
I didn't really care, only if they would serve me a doc Kevakian treatment.
if I could just get out the "easy way", that would be great.
But I fight for the sake of my children.
I went to my personal doctor, accompanied by my friend and neighbor: Rie.
First priority was to get my medication regulated:
I now get the following medication:
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 75 mg, but working my way to 100 (I cant go to 100 mg in one day - I started on 50 mg and work up)
This drug is what people in general refer to as "happiness pills" but they don't work from one day to another.
The medication helps with the building of the signals in the brain, so that the messages between the brain cells is being send to the right places.
I have used this medication before, and I know it works. I have many years ago been on 400 mg a day - that is not good for me.
So we start with the base dose and work up - but I know the limit for me is 300 mg
2. Tolmin
(Mianserinhydrochlorid)
This is also an anti depressant drug, that helps the nr. 1 working.
The reason I started on it now - yesterday - is that for me, it has 2 side effects:
When I take it, I fall asleep 15-20 minutes after.
The second side effect is, that it makes me hungry!
I got it today, and I cant take it right now because of the first side effect, but my hope is, that when I start taking it, I will start eating again.
3. Apozepam
(Diazepam)
Well, that's the good stuff, that works in 15 minutes.
Its the stuff that keeps me from drinking/medicating myself.
On a normal day, where everything is fine, I don't need anything - but a hug from you. See your smile, you telling me how wonderful I am, having sex with you - that's my normal dose.
Well, I don't have that anymore.
I get apozepam regularly now, even though the doctor wont normally describe it.
Its a heavy drug.
I'm from 2 mg a day to 15 now. It is effective, but it is also addictive -that's why the docs don't give it normally.
4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
It is quite expensive however.
On daily basis, where I need to be able to drive, I cant take the apozepam. Then I take "Valerina forte"
When I needed to sleep, I take "drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"
With the apozepam and the tolmin, I think Ill quit the nature medicine.
The eating / vomiting:
Thats not easy. Its affected by ny wish not to live.
I got a prescription for some "drinks", that should be good for me.
Got it the same day - tastes like crap.
First Visit to the Psychologist - I'm Too Closed
My Psychologist...
I liked him right away, there was definitely no bad chemistry there.
This first appointment was naturally a summarize - an overview of what had happened.
The Miscarriage, the loss of the baby, and shortly about the bad stuff surrounding that. The massive blood loss, the overwhelming amount of the mass, that came out of me.
The death of the father of my children, the feeling of being the only parent left.
And the final "stroke", what brought me into the crisis phase: my boyfriend leaving me like that!
Then the problems, that came because my boyfriend left me, and leaving it up to me to deal with all his stuff, living up to his demands for papers, abortion, solving the problem with the dog, that only my boyfriend could control etc.
The abortion, that had to get done, because my boyfriend left me.
The lack of me understanding, why he left me, and me feeling like the worst person on the planet - when the person you love the most is treating you like shit: you must really be a bad person!
I told him, as it is - straight out from the bag of total confusion:
I have no wish to live. If it was not for my children, I would have committed suicide. During the first week of my total brak down, I tried several times - but the cutting in it self - gave me some sort of feeling back....
My children has already lost their daddy this year, and yet another "daddy", my boyfriend their "step-dad".
I have no appetite. I hate the thought of food. It's not like I am suffering from anorexia, I just feel disgusted by the thought of eating anything.
I like when I get the feeling of throwing up. I like to feel the pain, when my body contracts into throwing up - but nothing comes out. Its not like I want to throw up - I just like the pain that comes with it! How insane is that - to enjoy to feel that pain!
My Psychologist told me several things:
The reason, I like the feeling of physical pain, is because that's the only moment, where I feel myself for real.
Right now I am still in the crisis phase. My body and mind has sort of seperated, something called Dissociation.
Dissociation is a crucial survival mechanism that protects you during a crisis and afterwards. It helps you stay on task so you can protect yourself. If you are able to function without fully experiencing the emotional impact of an event, you can accomplish tasks until it is safer to deal with your emotions. (from http://therapist4me.com/Dissociation.htm)
I was simply "closed down" emotionally, to protect myself from more harm.
My Psychologist needed to "find a door into my soul", to be able to work with me. Right now he could not do that, cause I was protecting myself by Dissociation.
So the agreement was, that he would contact my private doctor, to work with her in regards to my medication.
I liked him right away, there was definitely no bad chemistry there.
This first appointment was naturally a summarize - an overview of what had happened.
The Miscarriage, the loss of the baby, and shortly about the bad stuff surrounding that. The massive blood loss, the overwhelming amount of the mass, that came out of me.
The death of the father of my children, the feeling of being the only parent left.
And the final "stroke", what brought me into the crisis phase: my boyfriend leaving me like that!
Then the problems, that came because my boyfriend left me, and leaving it up to me to deal with all his stuff, living up to his demands for papers, abortion, solving the problem with the dog, that only my boyfriend could control etc.
The abortion, that had to get done, because my boyfriend left me.
The lack of me understanding, why he left me, and me feeling like the worst person on the planet - when the person you love the most is treating you like shit: you must really be a bad person!
I told him, as it is - straight out from the bag of total confusion:
I have no wish to live. If it was not for my children, I would have committed suicide. During the first week of my total brak down, I tried several times - but the cutting in it self - gave me some sort of feeling back....
My children has already lost their daddy this year, and yet another "daddy", my boyfriend their "step-dad".
I have no appetite. I hate the thought of food. It's not like I am suffering from anorexia, I just feel disgusted by the thought of eating anything.
I like when I get the feeling of throwing up. I like to feel the pain, when my body contracts into throwing up - but nothing comes out. Its not like I want to throw up - I just like the pain that comes with it! How insane is that - to enjoy to feel that pain!
My Psychologist told me several things:
The reason, I like the feeling of physical pain, is because that's the only moment, where I feel myself for real.
Right now I am still in the crisis phase. My body and mind has sort of seperated, something called Dissociation.
Dissociation is a crucial survival mechanism that protects you during a crisis and afterwards. It helps you stay on task so you can protect yourself. If you are able to function without fully experiencing the emotional impact of an event, you can accomplish tasks until it is safer to deal with your emotions. (from http://therapist4me.com/Dissociation.htm)
I was simply "closed down" emotionally, to protect myself from more harm.
My Psychologist needed to "find a door into my soul", to be able to work with me. Right now he could not do that, cause I was protecting myself by Dissociation.
So the agreement was, that he would contact my private doctor, to work with her in regards to my medication.
Second week is still fuzzy - Abortion
The second week is a little bit more clear, but since I was (and still am) in the crisis phase, its also still fuzzy.
My "wonderful" boyfriend, ignored me totally, unless he wanted something from me. He had left without the insurance papers for the car, and was angry with me, until I scanned it and send it to him. Then he was nice a little, and said thank you - after that he was back to ignoring me. I just wanted an answer: "why did you leave me - and leave me like that!" He ignored me totally, didn't answer my calls, mails, Skype - unless he wanted something.
I got - what I would almost call - hate mails from him, to get me to get an abortion. He accused me of wanting the baby, just to have something to "go after him" with. In the horrible state I was in mentally, I couldn't think a decent thought. I didnt understand, that he left me - and like that! Without a warning. I missed him terribly, he used to be my best friend, and now in his eyes, I was the worst person, that ever existed. I wanted so bad to have the baby, I couldn't bare to loose yet another one.
But in my clear moments (there was not many) I realized, that I could not raise a baby alone. And what should I explain, when the little one would eventually ask "where is my daddy?"
Abortion, even how emotionally painful the decision was, seemed to be the best option under the circumstances.
My feelings, from what I remember, was all over the scale. Panic attacks, sadness, hate, aggression, sorrow, unhappiness... I don't know, when it happened exactly, maybe over a period of time - but I started to feel numb.
I know I was at the Hospital at Tuesday, where I thought they would do the operation.
After that, the psychiatric should take me over - that's how I understood it from my personal doctor.
However that's not what happened - most likely I didn't understand it correctly. Messages seemed to just get right through me, I didn't really care, and was not really able to understand.
I went to the Hospital, where I thought they would give me the pills to start the medically abortion, cause they didn't want to do the operation because of my high blood pressure.
However, that doctor said, that the baby was now too big, and he didn't want to do it in that particular Hospital. And especially not as a medical procedure.
So while I was there, he called the bigger hospital, and I got an appointment with them the next day - Wednesday.
So that's when we left for mom and dads place, and on Wednesday we went to the big Hospital.
I met in the morning "starving" (I wasn't hungry, but you know, I was not allowed to have anything), was examined again, and they told me, that under the circumstances they wouldn't do the operation that day either. I should come back the next day in the morning, and be there, I think it was 7.15.
But they needed blood samples first, and we waited and waited - until a nurse came and - well - I felt like a needle bag after that, She tried three times in left arm, then 4 times in the right. My mom was on her toes ready to get another nurse, but I just wanted to get it over with.
I left with blood running down my right arm, cause the nurse didn't figure out to stop it.
I didn't care - to be honest... If I died right there, that would be perfect for me.
But well, I didn't get so lucky - so we went back to my parents.
Now Thursday morning. We had a horrible drive because of the huge accident on the freeway, and had to find another route. We therefore had to call the hospital to tell them, that we were late.
I think we arrived around 08.15. We were supposed to be there at 7.15
The hospital already knew about the accident, cause they were getting the injured people in their emergency.
So I was prepared to wait a long time to get my operation done.
However, at the hospital, they were very efficient, they knew of my mental and physical state, so I guess that is why, that I came in so quickly.
They were ready to receive me, when we came.
There was a doctor standing by, I got my hospital clothes (which was to big - but never mind) and I got into the bed and got my temperature taken. Too high. Geez.
And then blood pressure - again too high.
Well, after that I was prepared for a long time of waiting. But I didn't wait long, until a nurse came and asked me to go to the toilet to see, if I "could do something."
After that I was in my bed getting transported to the operating room.
That's embarrassing. People all around you see you being transported, and well - you don't exactly look like you are going on a date on this point.
At the operation department, I felt like I was waiting for 100 years. I was nervous, mostly for my mom, who had been through a lot the last weeks with me. Doctors or nurses or both were running back and forth, talking about normal stuff - and I thought to myself " hey - this is just a normal workday for them". That is how we would talk at work!!!
There was a huge number of people in the operating room. A lot more, than the last time I had an operation.
Again they couldn't find my veines, three different people was trying, in both arms, until they finally got it.
The last time I went under anesthesia, I was so scared out of my mind to not wake up.
This time, I was begging not to wake up anymore. When the anesthesia started to kick in, it felt like a relief. I could finally escape from this horrible world.
My "wonderful" boyfriend, ignored me totally, unless he wanted something from me. He had left without the insurance papers for the car, and was angry with me, until I scanned it and send it to him. Then he was nice a little, and said thank you - after that he was back to ignoring me. I just wanted an answer: "why did you leave me - and leave me like that!" He ignored me totally, didn't answer my calls, mails, Skype - unless he wanted something.
I got - what I would almost call - hate mails from him, to get me to get an abortion. He accused me of wanting the baby, just to have something to "go after him" with. In the horrible state I was in mentally, I couldn't think a decent thought. I didnt understand, that he left me - and like that! Without a warning. I missed him terribly, he used to be my best friend, and now in his eyes, I was the worst person, that ever existed. I wanted so bad to have the baby, I couldn't bare to loose yet another one.
But in my clear moments (there was not many) I realized, that I could not raise a baby alone. And what should I explain, when the little one would eventually ask "where is my daddy?"
Abortion, even how emotionally painful the decision was, seemed to be the best option under the circumstances.
My feelings, from what I remember, was all over the scale. Panic attacks, sadness, hate, aggression, sorrow, unhappiness... I don't know, when it happened exactly, maybe over a period of time - but I started to feel numb.
I know I was at the Hospital at Tuesday, where I thought they would do the operation.
After that, the psychiatric should take me over - that's how I understood it from my personal doctor.
However that's not what happened - most likely I didn't understand it correctly. Messages seemed to just get right through me, I didn't really care, and was not really able to understand.
I went to the Hospital, where I thought they would give me the pills to start the medically abortion, cause they didn't want to do the operation because of my high blood pressure.
However, that doctor said, that the baby was now too big, and he didn't want to do it in that particular Hospital. And especially not as a medical procedure.
So while I was there, he called the bigger hospital, and I got an appointment with them the next day - Wednesday.
So that's when we left for mom and dads place, and on Wednesday we went to the big Hospital.
I met in the morning "starving" (I wasn't hungry, but you know, I was not allowed to have anything), was examined again, and they told me, that under the circumstances they wouldn't do the operation that day either. I should come back the next day in the morning, and be there, I think it was 7.15.
But they needed blood samples first, and we waited and waited - until a nurse came and - well - I felt like a needle bag after that, She tried three times in left arm, then 4 times in the right. My mom was on her toes ready to get another nurse, but I just wanted to get it over with.
I left with blood running down my right arm, cause the nurse didn't figure out to stop it.
I didn't care - to be honest... If I died right there, that would be perfect for me.
But well, I didn't get so lucky - so we went back to my parents.
Now Thursday morning. We had a horrible drive because of the huge accident on the freeway, and had to find another route. We therefore had to call the hospital to tell them, that we were late.
I think we arrived around 08.15. We were supposed to be there at 7.15
The hospital already knew about the accident, cause they were getting the injured people in their emergency.
So I was prepared to wait a long time to get my operation done.
However, at the hospital, they were very efficient, they knew of my mental and physical state, so I guess that is why, that I came in so quickly.
They were ready to receive me, when we came.
There was a doctor standing by, I got my hospital clothes (which was to big - but never mind) and I got into the bed and got my temperature taken. Too high. Geez.
And then blood pressure - again too high.
Well, after that I was prepared for a long time of waiting. But I didn't wait long, until a nurse came and asked me to go to the toilet to see, if I "could do something."
After that I was in my bed getting transported to the operating room.
That's embarrassing. People all around you see you being transported, and well - you don't exactly look like you are going on a date on this point.
At the operation department, I felt like I was waiting for 100 years. I was nervous, mostly for my mom, who had been through a lot the last weeks with me. Doctors or nurses or both were running back and forth, talking about normal stuff - and I thought to myself " hey - this is just a normal workday for them". That is how we would talk at work!!!
There was a huge number of people in the operating room. A lot more, than the last time I had an operation.
Again they couldn't find my veines, three different people was trying, in both arms, until they finally got it.
The last time I went under anesthesia, I was so scared out of my mind to not wake up.
This time, I was begging not to wake up anymore. When the anesthesia started to kick in, it felt like a relief. I could finally escape from this horrible world.
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