When a punch in the face would hurts less

Why did I tell you about our sexual problems in the bedroom? It doesn't connect with anxiety and depression.

Or does it?

Since my boyfriend seemed to prefer to seek sexual satisfaction with his toys and porn over me, I was really down.

It felt like a punch in the face would have hurt much less, however equally a dealbreaker.

It most certainly affected my self-esteem and my awareness of how skinny I am.

I question, if my body would turn on anyone at all.

My ability to get sexual satisfaction is almost totally gone. 

I feel old, unattractive and ugly.

And most of all, I feel very much alone, cause I can't trust that one person, I trusted the most.

However this is unfortunately something many women go thru - not that it makes everything allright.

Nevertheless somewhere in the world, theres women going through the excact same thing.

And I bet, that it hurts everyone of us equally, no matter what diagnose we have, if any.

And the side effects of our boyfriends actions; our hurt feelings, is somewhat alike.  

And I feelt down, like my inside was turned out. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm 15 years older, than when we met each other.

This was the one, that blew me off track this time, but remember; with anxiety and depression in my backpack, my boat was perhaps more easy to rock.

There's no pill against these feelings. There's no easy fix.

As many other episodes in my life, this happened to me, not because of me. No matter what, this was HIS choice.

And that's the whole point. 

Depression makes bad thoughts come more easily, but it's caused by something in this case. 

I guess I have yet a lesson to learn:

I have to be careful and try hard NOT to sink into depression each time, I get hurt by a man. Otherwise it seems like I could be hurt the rest of my life.

AND;

Many of our problems, is precisely the same, as other couples problems. And they go thru those problems without sinking into depression. 

It must be possible for me to do that as well.

So... this will be my personal fight on the inside for some time from now. To remember, that every bump on the road is not caused by my mental issues. Some of them is actually quite 'normal.'

Thank you for listening.

Title photo;

Musa Ortaç

Quotes etc from my friends, who writes at;

netizenquotes.com 

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Pornography shows its ugly face

After the worst excuses for buying sex toys I have ever heard, the storm calmed down. His excuses was simply too embarrassing! Hes a grown man, not a 6 years old!

The bad excuses mad me feel even worse. 'Did he really think, I was stupid.'

I simply shut up, thered no reason to continue a argument like that.

A month or 2 later, I was collecting our pictures from the phones on an external hard drive, and meanwhile looking at pictures and short movieclips of our old diseased dog.

Amongst all those happy memories, I suddenly had a porn movie on the screen.

First I thought it was an error, an ad or something, but then the next, and the next came up.

The cold swathes started and my fingers was already shaking. My brain was working on overload, thinking a million thoughts at the same time. It felt like my head was gonna explode.

I checked the date and time with my own calendar, and surprise...

My oh so supportive boyfriend, who went with me to all the hospital visits, who sat beside med and was oh so tired, he had to leave early from the hospitalto get some sleep. And meanwhile I felt so sorry for him for being so tired, and felt bad for taking up so much extra of his time.

THAT sweet boyfriend, who made me feel like such a burden on him, he had time to download porn morning, noon and night!

Don't worry, he was certainly playing with his toys.

I remembered, when I came home from the hospital and was not physically able to go to second floor, he spend SO much time upstairs making cigarettes. Otherwise he was SO tired, he had to take a nap, and I was alone most time in the sofa in front of the TV. 

I remember I felt so left out, cause he barely talked with med or spend any time with me, even though he had the days off. Most of the time he spend upstairs. 

Now I know why.

And you know what? 

He tells me, it's my own fault. 

My stomach was hurting after surgery yeah, but not for 2 damn years!

Then he then claimed, he didn't know, I was ready!

Hello!! We went to a sex store together on MY suggestion.

I felt really bad and this time I packed my clothes. 

Never ever in my life have any man made me feed so bad about myself 

I'm sick, I can't work anymore, and apparently I'm not attractive enough anymore either.

I felt so disgusted with myself, and also disgusted by the thought of what he had been doing upstairs, while I couldn't move!

I felt an uncontrollable insanity had processed my body.

I confronted him and told him that, and started with all his excuses, but this time it was finally ME who was shouting

I hate you for making me feel like that. 

I hate you for what you have done to us. 

Done to me, done to my self esteem.

My trust in you is long gone and I dont even want to try anymore.

It's an unfair 'game,' when he acts so selfish. He has been working on having sex with his porn girls and HIS toys for HIM SELF  - while I was working WITH HIM  and used MY spare money US and sexy lingerie.

It would had been cheaper just to buy a dildo, if that's what I wanted. 

We apparently didn't even have the same goals anymore.

I din't wanna ask him any more. I still need an explanation, the truth, but I don't want to hear any other stupid excuses.

So once again we had a long periode with polite conversation, until I finally started to feel a bit better again.

Meanwhile he also assured me, that he had thrown out everything and totally given up porn.

Well... What do YOU think?

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