Hes just not that into you

Thank you very much for your mails and suggestions of how to solve our problem in the bedroom.

I've read all your comments, cause I still have issues caused by my boyfriends comments and bad excuses to escape from having sex with me.

Some of you suggest I understand him. And I have tried.

I tried to understand.
I tried talking, yelling, screaming, telling him how much he hurt me.
I took him to a sex shop, and we bought a game.
We had sex 3 times, then a 3 month break.

Then I discovered he was watching porn morning, noon and before sleep, 3 times a day - and he had bought tools to pleasure himself (an artificially girly part, if you know what i mean)
He promised, he stopped, but our walls isn't sound proof, so...

I'm thankful for your suggestion, but I'm sorry to be the negative part here. But my experience is, he will do it again, and it'll hurt even more, cause now he is also lying to me.

If I dont leave, I'm scared, cause from now on the questions will start to pile up;

Why is he suddenly leaving early in the morning(?) 

Why is he typing on the phone all the time?

Is he writing to another woman?

Wheres the third party limit? 

Is it okay to look at bare naked ladies in aa magazine, to be watching porn?

Is it okay to write send heart hug emotion to another woman, okay to write sexual stuff to another person?

Where's there limit?

Should I suggest an open relationship?

And what's the point of that actually, I never really got that! How does that work? Does it work at all?

I think he has completely lost interest in me. This morning I wrote a SMS telling him, that I don't feel good, I'm scared to answer the phone again, can't sleep, so I suggested separate bedrooms (as if I would've noticed!)

He just wrote 2 line saying he thought that would be a bad idea.

Since then nothing. Nothing to make me feel better, no support. But I notice has been on a break, cause he could manage to find the time to send his congratulations to one of his girl friends birthdays.

I feel very much alone with a lot of questions, and I dont know what scares me the most!

A true answer or a nice answer, which will turn out to be yet another lie later on.

I really don't know what to do. Maybe I a too damaged and too suspicious, cause I know the signs way too well.

Or maybe I should watch the movie;

He is just not that into you

 

 

Pictures from:

netizenquotes.com

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Depression a lifesucking tornado

Happy new year.

Sorry to start without any huge enthusiasm, but each year I hope everything gets better - and I always get disappointed. So let's not take a walk thru that park again!

I had a bit of a shitty day yesterday, now my BF is going back to work, and I can be very scared to be alone.

I didn't want to annoy anyone with this, I'm so tired of feeling whining. So I called a friend who I trust equally as family, to get a lifeline.

The PTSD is stress related, and to me it means computers, phones, paperwork, noice, especially noice from the sound of a lot of people talking i a huge area.

So all the stress is really bad for me.  Christmas is supposed to be joyful and a happy time. 

Come to think of it: I have actually never experienced that. 

I always look so much forward to see everyone, and then it's over almost before it started.

This year mom was sick, coronatest to be done, Christmas tree, food, gifts, doctors, physical therapy. Do we make it in time....

And we did, we made it, it was so comfy and delightful to have the kids around me.

And BAM, then it's all over and the kids at home by themselves and my BF is back at work and I'm back being alone.

The house it is empty and sad, here's ofcourse always a lot to do here. But when sadness takes over, I become passive. I do not get outside, it triggers the anxiety. 

So I shoud stay inside and relax. But if I get behind in tasks, it triggers my stress  and PTSD.

It's like 3 diseases that reinforce each other and I can't seem to find the method, that will make my inner system work together.

So I was about to fall. I do not know how it feels to you? 

To me, it's like a big giant hole deep in the ground. And in that hole, there is a wind like a tornado, that just sucks everything down into the deep darkness. Sucks the last bit of strength and energy, sucks life itself out of you.

I suddenly found myself on that edge, feeling like I was getting sucked down.

And I do not want to go there, but the more I was fighting to stay out,  the closer to the edge I seemed to get.

I reached for a lifeline just to go through those hours, then I was "back" on safer ground.

No matter what, I'm gonna have to relax today.

I can't handle yet ano trip to the buttom.

Photo by;

Jonas Von Werne

Quotes and alike by:

netizenquotes.com

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Silence after the storm

I don't really know what I'm doing. I just exist.

It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.

If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain. 

I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself. However in the long run it's definitely not healthy to put a lid on your emotions.

The sad news is, that this is what I do. I start to care less, it's like givin up on a sinking ship. I just let it go. I don't really care to save anything, there's no reason to, the boat will sink at some point, since water keeps pouring in.

This is the most empty feeling ever, and I have no solution or desire to try to figure it out, it seems to be too late. Theres too much water in our boat, and I'm the only one at the pumps. Why bother then(?)

I know this bubble will blow up at some point, and this silence... I'm also sure will end, whether it's going to be a final explosion or a decent talk, I have no idea.

For now, I just keep to myself, and talk, when I'm asked. And everybody seems to find that perfect, so I decided to play along this time. Thry don't appreciate my company, they don't seem to care if I am doing okay or not. I might as well be invisible,  they would ignore me equally. 

But God I need to talk with another person. I need to feel worthy of something, at least just worthy to be noticed.

Fortunately I have Lucy (CCTeam), who I've  asked to make these graphics, and she's a lady with her own opinion. I love that.

Sometimes I notice, she sort of answers me in the work she's doing. If I ask for a quote about loneliness, she doubkes up with 2 other creations of "it's better to be alone..." 

It's nice to have their support, cause I start to feel unworthy of love. Maybe it's not in my cards to be loved unconditionally, truly, fully in a solid marriage. 

Original photo by:

Pixabay 

Quotes by;

Netizen Quotes 

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When a punch in the face would hurts less

Why did I tell you about our sexual problems in the bedroom? It doesn't connect with anxiety and depression.

Or does it?

Since my boyfriend seemed to prefer to seek sexual satisfaction with his toys and porn over me, I was really down.

It felt like a punch in the face would have hurt much less, however equally a dealbreaker.

It most certainly affected my self-esteem and my awareness of how skinny I am.

I question, if my body would turn on anyone at all.

My ability to get sexual satisfaction is almost totally gone. 

I feel old, unattractive and ugly.

And most of all, I feel very much alone, cause I can't trust that one person, I trusted the most.

However this is unfortunately something many women go thru - not that it makes everything allright.

Nevertheless somewhere in the world, theres women going through the excact same thing.

And I bet, that it hurts everyone of us equally, no matter what diagnose we have, if any.

And the side effects of our boyfriends actions; our hurt feelings, is somewhat alike.  

And I feelt down, like my inside was turned out. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm 15 years older, than when we met each other.

This was the one, that blew me off track this time, but remember; with anxiety and depression in my backpack, my boat was perhaps more easy to rock.

There's no pill against these feelings. There's no easy fix.

As many other episodes in my life, this happened to me, not because of me. No matter what, this was HIS choice.

And that's the whole point. 

Depression makes bad thoughts come more easily, but it's caused by something in this case. 

I guess I have yet a lesson to learn:

I have to be careful and try hard NOT to sink into depression each time, I get hurt by a man. Otherwise it seems like I could be hurt the rest of my life.

AND;

Many of our problems, is precisely the same, as other couples problems. And they go thru those problems without sinking into depression. 

It must be possible for me to do that as well.

So... this will be my personal fight on the inside for some time from now. To remember, that every bump on the road is not caused by my mental issues. Some of them is actually quite 'normal.'

Thank you for listening.

Title photo;

Musa Ortaç

Quotes etc from my friends, who writes at;

netizenquotes.com 

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Chores and depression

It seems impossible to find a way to get off my couch and in gear.
Normally I would have played it safe and stayed put and relaxed, until this state passes.  That's the best way to avoid deeper depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

But since the house is up for sale, we have to keep it clean always, and besides, I know we're going to get visitors to look at the house during this week, so I really don't have a choise. So I'm forcing myself to get up and get started, but so far my body does not obey.

Putting pressure on oneself is a bad choise, but I don't really see another way. I also want to move so I can't just lean back and wait for everybody else to take over. I'm not that kind of person, and guess what... That has brought me into the exact same situation before, and depression and anxiety answered right away.

Didn't I learn something? Absolutely, but I'm going to be more sick, before I let "the team" down.

Well, my safe spot is ready to in case I need it. I better get the vacuum and get started.

I'll do like the old days, write here along my way, using my diary as a crouch.

4 hours later:
I've almost finished the kitchen, but theres still a way to go. People have started to pack boxes, but left I the middle if the task.
I've been at my safe spot several times, but can't relax. My thoughts keeps going "I should do this, and I should do that..."
Well, better get started again, that's better than to lay around speculating about it.

The others came home an hour late, while I was cleaning windows. I thought that this would be the end for a while and we would team up afterwards.
However they are getting ready to go out for dinner. That's nice of them, but it doesn't help my stress.
I needed an evening in my safe spot with comfort food and a good movie. Now they're getting dressed up, and so should I, even though every fiber insides me is screaming to stay at home
Why can't I just relax(?)

I chose to take 5 mg diazepam, and finally my brain could function on normal level. It is a medication like valium, that calms you down, you can get addicted to this, so it's not recommended to take it regularly.
But geez, I really needed that.

I finally felt relaxed, able to follow a conversation, cause my brain wasn't thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time.
I consumed a good portion of dinner, and felt calm about the thought of cleaning house.

So we actually ended up having a nice evening, and perhaps I'm even able to fall asleep for once. I surely hope so.

Thank you for holding my hand today, I wish you all a good night.

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This is hilarious - to me at least

I was SO tired today. The house went to sleep late, and I got up early - surprise.

I feel tired all the time, and at the same time I have huge troubles with insomnia. After a period of not sleeping, I really need to catch up, when I can.

But I don't look sick, so...
The following conversation took place...

"I'm SO tired all the time. You all go to bed late, I can't keep doing that."
"Why don't you sleep in during the weekends?"
"Who takes care of the animals on daily basis? I never get at break."
"Well, if you can't handle it, maybe we should get a dog sitter for a weekend."

I was caught by such surprise, I didn't have an immediate comeback.

We don't have money.
But if the situation end up in a man getting up early on a day off, then we need to hire a dog sitter!

I'm sorry, I might be mentally insane, but is it such a stupid idea to think, that a man could be able to remove his ass long enough from the sofa to take care of his own dog once a week(?)

God, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. But I'm for sure nothing else but a dog sitter and housekeeper.

There it is, once again.

I don't look sick, so nobody remembers how important sleep is for me.
Or maybe they do, but if the result means work for them, they don't care.

I don't know which option is worse...

But at least someone out there loves me <3

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The need to believe in something

When the world collapses below your feet, and mental disease brings you to your knees, it can be comforting pray.

I got some questions about religion from some of you. So even though I've danced my way around it, since I don't want religious discussions to be a part of this, I recognise the need to believe in something bigger out there.

I'll try to explain my thoughts about religion - I don't need your acceptance, we don't have to share the same thoughts - the disorders and syndroms wont change anyway - but then you know my point of view.

I find myself challenged in my belief in anything.
I do believe in a God, but you can call him whatever you want, cause no matter what you call "him", I believe we all either get hit by Karma or will be judged by our behaviour at the end of days.

I believe most religions actually goes well together, and may originally come from the absolute same story.
BUT I also believe, that some people are using religion - interpreting/translating it into something they can use for personal gain.

I'm a Christian, but could be compared to an atheist. I don't go to church each Sunday,  I don't find God there.
But...
A spring day, where every tree, every flower, starts to welcome the new season. The plants, that seemed dead, gets little light green buds all over, and will soon burst into wonderful colors...
That's amazing in my eyes. No man is able to do that.

There's a lot of examples like that.
The birth of a newborn child - tell me - do you need more proof(?)
I don't.

Maybe nature is our God - we most certainly cant beat her; Mother Nature.

I don't have the answer - and no matter what you believe yourself - neither do you!

What about all the bad stuff, that happens in the world then?
Why does our God not put a stop to that?

I asked a priest that question once, and he told me, he was a bit frustrated about people asking this question.  God is not responsible for everything that goes on.
If we all were able to live in peace - and I'm not just talking about war/peace, but also humans amongst each other. Then the world would be a better place.

If we start celebrating each others differences and cultures, instead of spreading fear and distance between us - we would go a long way.

If we stop spending money on fighting each other, and helped each other out - we could accomplish so much.

But we are fighting, people die, people get wounded, and don't tell me we fight for peace - give me a break.

My point is we chose to fight - is that Gods fault?

Natural disasters happen - did you ever think about this: when natural disasters hits, nobody cares about country or region or religion - its life and dead, we all fight together to stay alive.

Another thing I had in mind  was that when we have a plus, we also have the opposite; the minus. In mathematics theres always and opposite for every function.
So, why shouldn't there be a devil?
Perhaps the devil is inside of us, and we have to fight our own personal battles to see, which side it the strongest?

So yes, I also think there will be some kind of justice in the end - or we get hit by nemesis and/or karma before that.

One thing I absolutely don't believe in, is weekly confessions.
I'm sorry, we are not children. We all know the rules. So if you get caught with your hands in the cookie jar, I honestly don't believe that it's okay, just as long as you confess.

If you sleep around, it doesn't make okay just as long as you confess. In risk of getting hate mails from everyone, I can honestly say, that its is one of the most hypocritical things I have ever heard of.

But for each religion we have, theres many things I like and some I dont.

I very short, I think I can sum my personal religion into one sentence that takes in everything I believe in.

Be nice to others.

In my opinion that covers do not kill, respect the elders, dont sleep around only with your spouse etc etc, doesn't it?
I my opinion it does.

I hope I didn't scare you all :) and that you have found something to help and support you thru hard times.

See ya :-)

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I can't collect my thoughts

I feel bad for not writing, however that would confuse everyone, since my thoughts are all over the place.

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The purpose of life

I've been having a very bad period, where I've struggled to find a place for me in this world.

According to political decisions, I'm supposed to live with this salary for the rest of my life.
If that's the case, what do I see in the future(?)

My absolute favourite thing in the world is to travel. Not with any extravagance,  no water how. That's totally out of range.

I'm sleeping on a couch in a house share, struggling to make ends meet every month.
Living for 160 Euro a month, before dentist, clothes, hairdresser, gifts, medication, food and transportation.
Lovely - no thank you.
That kind of future is to me so dark, I can't see light anymore.

I've actually went so far in my thoughts, that I decided to build up a storage of the pills, that I know I need, to end this shit. Then I would be prepared for the next step, when I wanted to leave.

To make a long story short, my blog manager CC came for a visit. She sensed something was wrong and made me talk to the Farmer.
And the Farmer - well let's just say, you can't escape. I dunno what she contains, I don't know what she's build of, that woman. But you can't fool her, and she is a badass when it comes to kicking verbally ass, so let's just say, I was burned.
It is after all her method I'm using, so I better use it right.

She's actually been through situation almost similar to mine, it's weird we found each other.
The difference is, she is standing, and standing tall - I'm still trying to get my ass up from the floor. I guess it's a question of willpower, and she acts like - infact she is a true - Viking.

Clarise told me to notice, that there is a huge difference. Cause the Farmer is appreciated by the other people in the house and lives with her fiance. I live with other people too and has to feel appreciated, where I am.

I'm actually thinking about going away for a month to my mother. I'll get a break from the others, and I can help her simultaneously. It's ofcourse not a permanent solution, but that's an option for the moment. I'll consider that, cause I'm fed up with the looks from the others... Why didn't she cook/clean/do laundy/clean up... Well I don't, clean up after yourself. Help me clean the house, I'm not the only one who lives here.

But I feel so stressed out, that the fact apparently is, they only see me as a maid.

CC also mentioned, there's a lot of offers to buy the rights to the blog, there's options to make interviews, to advertise for doctors and medication etc etc, that would help me a bit. But she already knew my answer.
No, no, and no. 

I do NOT recommend any medications, I do NOT recommend any doctors, and I am for sure not letting anyone ghost write my blog, and pretend they are me. I'd rather starve to death.

If CC wants to make an informative post, she'll put her name on it. That's it.

But well, I am considering, what they told me, to go visit my mom and get some distance, and I'll see, what I figure out.

I feel strangled here, but right now I'm too tired to make any decisions.

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Dementia test

I've been at the doc for a dementia test today. I knew it wouldn't hurt physically, but emotionally I was SO scared, that I had to tell the nurse not to take notice of me crying, it's simply due to stress relief.

The very thought of suffering from dementia is do frightening for me, I think a bad result would finally break me for good and leave me with bot only a total mental breakdown - but simply finish me off for good.

And what's that test like(?)
Strange and funny at the same time.

I'm a mrs. I-need-to-know-it-all, so I really had to fight the urge, to ask a lot of questions.

But here's how my dementia test went down.

- what year is it?
- what month?
- the date of today?
- is it Wednesday?
that sort of questions.

Then she gave me 3 things to remember:, an apple, a windows, scissors.

She handed me a paper and told me to take it with my right hand, fold it. Then put it down on the floor and stand up next to it.
I felt the questions screaming- kinda funny - while doing the task.

- Now pick up the paper and draw a circle.
I did.
- put in numbers to make it look like a watch.
I did.
- Draw the clock as if it shows 9.20.
I did.
- Write a sentence...
I wrote something stupid.

You have 93, withdraw 7.
I did.
Withdraw 7.
I did
Withdraw 7....
I did, I did, I did...

What was the 3 things I told you to remember?
Scissors, apple, window.

I got some Pentagon's to draw in free hand, and to finished it up, they took a blood sample, heart cardiogram, and I peed in a cup. LOL-thay was the worst part!

So once again; not so damn frightening, as it was in my mind.
However - as I told the doc - I'm not scared of the test. Physical pain I can handle. However I don't know how to handle it, if the test comes out with me having dementia, a permanent brain malfunction.

But today I was a straight A student and came thru with flying colours :-)
The test will be continued, but so far do good.
Thank God.

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I am worth nothing to other people

I hate not to know, where I'm going. What am I supposed to do, while I await other people's decision about my future(?)

What I hate even more, is how people treat me because of my disease - even despite my disease. 

I'm apparently supposed to be their deck and call, if they are hungry, we need to eat now! 

I never sleep in late, because they do, and someone needs to take care of the dogs.

Last week there were 4 days off, I didn't get to sleep in late even once!

I have to say the consideration for my needs washed away a long time ago. 

Sometimes I in fact have to remind people, that I really don't feel okay, and I get awfully hurt, when spoken to like they do here.

I don't know if the lack of co consideration is lack of understanding. After all I don't look sick...

The doc want me to get disability, but the politicians and job consultants can 'cure' everybody. It's horrifying, what goes on in the country right now.

I feel helpless, like a little child who has not a vote in the matter, just awaiting the decisions of the adults.

I'm being talked to like they please to do, with no thoughts for me as a person. I get yelled at, just because I was there - not because anything is my fault.

It's like I don't have a position in the world, I'm not only nothing. I'm the dirt anyone is allowed to step on.

Guess what?
Think again - they haven't been to hell and back. I have, and I have been chewed up down there, and even then I managed to find a way back to life.

And I'm not only on the way to fight, I am fighting now. And I don't put up with bullsshit.

Hurt me now - and I promise you I will return the pain with interest.

I don't know... I should get on the train and leave a situation like this and never return. But somehow I find it very educational and interesting to see, how everything evolves. So don't feel sorry for me, I'll leave if I can't handle it.

But for the first time in my life, I have the front seat to watch, how mentally I'll people gets treated by friends, family, health care system etc. And for some reason I don't get up and leave, its actually kind of interesting to notice what goes on.
So I'm having kind of an adventure first hand here, which hurts quite a deal, but is too educational to give up.

I'll let you know, when I explode in anger - I bet you'll all hear it!

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European Election

Everybody all over the country is going nuts, when election is up.
Politicians claim and promise a lot, they don't intend to keep.

I especially remember one woman who said, that the sick, the poor and the old people here, could just save up their money! From what?
Some don't even have to the end of the month. Some has the choise to eat or take their medication. God, if you get sick at 18 and can't work, you'll spend the rest of your life living without anything. With no future ahead. Cause if you own anything, you can't get any help. What a dream to look forward to.

But this particular politician is now running around doing publicity stunts to show "how much she care."
It makes me sick.
So after we loose everything, we could just "save our money". Well, perhaps she'll visit me then.

It's hard for families. They do not only have to worry about sickness, hospital visits etc. They have to move to sell their house, worry how to get the next bill paid...
Not only do you get very little help. The little help you get, will be cut even smaller, than normal, because your wife's or girlfriends salary is as high as a uneducated worker.

Theres not enough money to take care of people, that is already here in the country.
Why do the government chose to bring in more? They get paid for it ofcourse, but our country and welfare suffers because of it.
Not just the sick people, also teachers, daycare workers, old people, hospitals, doctors, nurses....
And the government simultaneously can't figure out, why the crime rate is getting constantly higher!

There's a lot of stuff going on, that's not right here. But I chose NOT to listen to them during the time before election.
Everyone knows a politician lies.
But they seem to have their mind set on winning the Olympics in not speaking truthfully these days, so I chose to be deaf to them.

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I can not find peace

The meeting with the job consultant went fine, but I have been restless a long time leading up to that meeting.

They are going for mental disabiligty, since they don't feel sure that I can handle more pressure as a human beeing.


I'm fine with that, it'll give me more room to relax and get better.

But no matter what, I need some sort of extra income, bit I don't know where this is going to come from.

I have been on/off for several weeks now, trying to get up from the dark hole, but some days I simply can't find a reason to do so.

How am I supposed to create a second income here(?) I guess I'll have to move first.

The house is up for sale, but nobody knows, when it's going to be sold.
Again an uncertain future.

I can't handle that, not being able to plan anything.
The rest has this and that demand to the house. One wants his own room, besides the bedroom etc etc, and we'll, that is not possible.  So do you want to move or not?
Putting up impossible demands for a new place is not going to make me change my mind.
I'm not staying here.

So I'm restless, I pace around. I do a little here and there, with no actual result anywhere.
I'm so tired of this wandering about, I could scream.

My thoughts are killing me. I'm bombed by thoughts in my mind, like they all explode in the same time and want to be heard at once.
I can't event sort it out from each other.

I'm scared for the first time in a long time. I'm scared to end my life here ind the God forsaken place, without reaching the water, that I have been longing to get back to since I moved away as a teenager.
My whole life has been shaped by others wishes. I think it's about time, that my wished come a bit true also, before its too late.

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I am ready to start schedule a bit

I really feel down because of the insurance money. I feel I just live day by day with no hope for a change to the better in my situation.

But I refuse to give in.

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1 step forward

- and 2 steps back, darn the fight is hard.
Especially today.

I thought I hade quite an amout on my account from the stuff people stole from me, before I moved out.

Unfortunately I didnt have an overview of the stolen stuff, and I couldn't handle paper work. I couldn't even touch a computer for the first year. And just thinking about it made me feel sick. My boyfriend promised to report it, but kept putting it off, so now they claim we filed too late.

So it's a never ending story. Each time I think theres a little money coming, I get stuck in a shit hole.
God I can't breathe, I want to get out of this place, where You are useless as soon as you're sick.

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It has been a fight just to get out of bed

It always comes as a surprise to me, how hard it is to fight depression. Even though I've done it many times, I'm always a bit shocked how hard it is, when it really strikes.

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Panic attacks on top of panic attacks

I found out, that my ex has moved. 

Apparently he has been to jail, for violence, now he is out and has moved to another town.

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Is there such a thing as sleep flu?

We are dropping like flies here. 

Biting the dust!

The boys have been down all weekend, and me... I joined the "party" later on.

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Depression and anxiety fighting smoothies

I'm sleeping bad, if I sleep at all, and I look like shit. Actually I almost look sick again, and I don't like that.

My BF and I went to a special store in town today, where they sell all kinds of vegetables, spices etc. I wanted to buy some vegetables for smoothies.

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Sometimes there is a simple explanation

That's what we sometimes seem to forget. Definitely me.

There was in fact a simple explanation for my tiredness (other than lack of sleep), we are simply sick here.

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