I sleep and miss out on activities

I feel like time and thereby my life is passing by, while I'm sleeping or especially trying to sleep.

I contrast to the feeling of being left out and unappreciated, I also hate that my sleep is so unstable, that I can't make a real plan for next day. Everything depends on how I slept that night, if I got any sleep at all!

My son called this morning, and I was still sleeping. I don't seem to be able to get my sleep under control these days.

But now I'm upset and angry, cause I missed out on what could have been a great, fun day with my son. We could have made the final Christmas shopping - well that part would have been stressfull - but afterwards we could enjoy each others company.

It would have been great to have the car, but my difficulties to stay awake while driving for 15 minutes makes me take the train. I could easily have done that. I would do anything to get free time with my son.

But I was sleeping!

I'm so sad, I feel like crying. And I'm angry with myself. I hate that I can't control it, I'm so upset I feel like kicking and beating up a punching bag.

Geez. I feel like no matter what I do, I simply can't win!!!

I called him to apologize again, but he us so lovely, he just laughed and said, that he would plan a little ahead the next time.
I feel like a child cause I don't just want to settle for next time. I want to be like I used to be, when I just jumped into the car when opportunity knocked.

He told me about his education, and that he could get the same education in 2 ways.
The first is the cheapest, but it takes twice the time and is a dangerous way, that his father would not have appreciated.
The other way us fast, it's safe - and the choise is easy for me.

BUT yet again I fail. Since I cant work, I can't help him, even though I want to. But 10.000 Euro is simply not possible for me to get my hands on, when I can't work.

So I feel like I'm failing as a mom and as a human being all over.
I'm apparently not able to be there, when they would like me to, because I cant sleep.
And I can't earn the money for his education, because I'm sick.

So let's just agree that its safe to say, that I won't be a candidate for any "mom of the year" prizes.