Nothing left to say

On top of being alone and isolated all the time, not just because of Corona, but because I had to sell my car. Being isolated is quite nomal for me.

And on top of being ignored, shouted at, frozen out, left alone, told to move out, finding porn and sexual pleasurement for males in the bedroom, my Saturday went as follows...

Today we had one fight in the afternoon, caused by his lies.

In the evening, I thought we should be watching a movie together. Instead he was paying more attention to his phone.

Late in the evening, he complained, his cloud was full, and asked me to empty it.

And full it was, but not much by pictures of any of us. Nope, the reason for the big storage use on his cloud was porn.

I left my spot at the computer immediately, told him to remove it, and went out of the room.

I downloaded half a year, then I found porn again. 3 hours of that dirt in a row. 

I just got up without a word and left the room. Sat down on the staircase looking out on the snow in the garden. It felt like I could hear every heart beat in my body brushing in my ears, and I was shaking all over. My God, how can he do this to me?

I came back 15 minutes later and sat down in front of the TV.

He told me, he had removed all the stuff, also pictures out of focus.

I simply couldn't handle any more reminders of the obvious fact, that I'm not good enough, and told him so.

There must have been 20-24 hours of porn in his cloud.

Later on he told me he was sorry.

Give me a break, this is not the first time. Removing history from his account right after I found it the first time, is so obviously an act to hide, what he is doing. Why hide it, if you are not doing something worth hiding. Now I know why he goes to work early!

He simply insults my intelligence, otherwise he is the most stupid or naive man on the planet to think any woman would fall for that one!

Well, I'm sorry, he doesn't find me attractive and told him that. After everything he has said and done, I simply cannot see anyway back to what we have lost. 

I can't for my life find any more words to say!

I don't trust him, I dispise his tase for girls, geez, they are at my daughters age.

I recent his need to send lovely heart-greetings and hugging bears to every girl on his friends list, but me. I could go on, but it weighs heavily on my shoulder.

I sat down an listened to a lot of music, I was shaking all over. Depression is right on my shoulder and anxiety has already possessed me, so I'll leave the word to the songwriters of "Impossible", Arnthor Birgisson and Ina Christine Wroldsen.

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love, I did

And you were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot, I did

And now

When all is done, there is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won, you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

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Depression a lifesucking tornado

Happy new year.

Sorry to start without any huge enthusiasm, but each year I hope everything gets better - and I always get disappointed. So let's not take a walk thru that park again!

I had a bit of a shitty day yesterday, now my BF is going back to work, and I can be very scared to be alone.

I didn't want to annoy anyone with this, I'm so tired of feeling whining. So I called a friend who I trust equally as family, to get a lifeline.

The PTSD is stress related, and to me it means computers, phones, paperwork, noice, especially noice from the sound of a lot of people talking i a huge area.

So all the stress is really bad for me.  Christmas is supposed to be joyful and a happy time. 

Come to think of it: I have actually never experienced that. 

I always look so much forward to see everyone, and then it's over almost before it started.

This year mom was sick, coronatest to be done, Christmas tree, food, gifts, doctors, physical therapy. Do we make it in time....

And we did, we made it, it was so comfy and delightful to have the kids around me.

And BAM, then it's all over and the kids at home by themselves and my BF is back at work and I'm back being alone.

The house it is empty and sad, here's ofcourse always a lot to do here. But when sadness takes over, I become passive. I do not get outside, it triggers the anxiety. 

So I shoud stay inside and relax. But if I get behind in tasks, it triggers my stress  and PTSD.

It's like 3 diseases that reinforce each other and I can't seem to find the method, that will make my inner system work together.

So I was about to fall. I do not know how it feels to you? 

To me, it's like a big giant hole deep in the ground. And in that hole, there is a wind like a tornado, that just sucks everything down into the deep darkness. Sucks the last bit of strength and energy, sucks life itself out of you.

I suddenly found myself on that edge, feeling like I was getting sucked down.

And I do not want to go there, but the more I was fighting to stay out,  the closer to the edge I seemed to get.

I reached for a lifeline just to go through those hours, then I was "back" on safer ground.

No matter what, I'm gonna have to relax today.

I can't handle yet ano trip to the buttom.

Photo by;

Jonas Von Werne

Quotes and alike by:

netizenquotes.com

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