Hard moments during a day

There is certain times during a day, that's worse than others. 

Of course days with panic attacks is the worst, but in the daily routine there's obstacles too.

Getting up in the morning used to be a struggle, when I was living alone. Actually the worst was not as much to get up, as it was the thought of what I was going to do afterwards... Leaving the house pretending all day, that I'M FINE!!!!

That very thought could make it so difficult to leave my safe spot, that I couldn't leave.

Today I wake up, when the dog does. He has a very special calming spirit, I can't explain it. Then he must pee, I let him out and make myself a cup of hot chocolate in the mean time.
That's great, definitely a change for the better.

On my very good days we go shopping, and we walk around the lake. Collect berries or stuff for decorations, depending on the season.
On less good days we go into the garden, and the bad days I spend in my safe spot.

If we're going outside, I prefer to shower before shopping.
That has become difficult. I don't like it anymore. I don't want to remove all my clothes, but standing under the shower is nice. Then it returns... I don't want to leave the shower. When I finally do, I'm grateful when I'm back in my clothes.

What has happened to me(?) In my job I often went showering 3 or 4 times a day (I worked in a lab). Now it's suddenly a struggle.

I have come to the conclusion it's not as much the shower as it is getting clothes on/off. But why(?) I'm not ashamed of my body. I grew up in a sort of "open" house. We didn't exactly run around naked all the time, but we didn't cover up in the towel screaming... So I guess it's not shame or embarrassment.

Perhaps it's like Maslows or a little baby, that first of all needs food, warmth and a diaper change. Is it that simple(?) I just don't like to feel cold, and don't wish to take off my clothes cause it makes me feel unsafe(?)

I have no other idea of what lies behind this, so I have to rely on time, which is actually what should heal PTSD: time.
Well, I'll see if something else turns out to be a trigger.

After lunch we usually take a nap. It  started during the summer, when the sun reached lunch, it was SO hot, we thought we would melt away. So the dog and I went inside in the coolness from the building, and had a nice nap.

People start to get home, and now it's a bit "exciting" to figure out if anyone else is getting visitors.
I don't mind visitors, but on bad days, I'd prefer they stay at home.
Once there was SO many people, I had to go to my room, cause everything went blurry, it was too much.
Other than that, if we are just "us", it's nice and relaxing.

Later in the evening, when the whole house is going to sleep, I feel sort of sad. No-one to talk to, not until next day after work hours.
But at the same time I'm also kind of happy, that the house is calm.

Confused? Me too...