Is it possible to learn to live with anxiety?


How do you get out of bed, when depression hits?


Suffering from PTSS?


Troubles sleeping?

Total Mental Breakdown

All of them? Total Mental Breakdown

Covid followed by energy crisis

Covid followed by energy crisis reflections

I had a busy but none the less great summer, hope that goes for all of you.
With all the changes going on in the writers team, great changes I might add, I had a lot of stuff to process in my mind. Especially what purpose I want for my blog, where should it all lead to.

While swimming in the lake, it came to me, that I have already told you about my situation, how hard it can be to fight depression, anxiety and PTSD (PTSS).
My first purpose has already been fulfilled. I have told many examples of how it feels to wear these shoes, with the aim to tell everyone with the same feelings, that's it is okay to feel like this, that it's sickness that in many many cases can be helped and that everyone feeling like this should seek professional help.

I needed somewhat a new goal to pursue, and came to the conclusion that I want to share all my self taught methods to cope to get thru different situations.

Covid has already brought many people down on their knees mentally. 
Now we are going thru a huge energy crisis, which means many families struggle with their financial situation, and speculation thereof can lead to stress, sleepless nights and not to mention anxiety and depression.

I find many people have reached their limit. Many are still exhausted by Covid and the fact we couldn't go anywhere, we couldn't live our lifes in the normal way. 
And now we are facing the financial situation, scared of the next bill for heat, electricity and transportation, and as a result there of, many don't dare to spend money on anything. So we still do not travel, we still don't spend money eating out, going to the movies etc. The lack of hope to see anything positive happen in the future continues, this time its just caused by different circumstances.

What better way to use my bad experiences, than to try to help other people get thru sadness, disappointments, lack of hope, and in worst case anxiety and depression(?)

So from here on, that'll be my goal. I'll still tell stuff from my life, but at the same time focus more about how to cope.

Until next time; take care.


I have had a serious down time period. 
No matter how hard I struggle, I simply couldn't get up long time enough to get a properly grasp of the edge. 

We had a meeting with a real estate agent a week ago, and he started talking. At one point, the agent asked me a question, and when I looked at him, I realized;  I didn't understand, what he was saying!
I could hear him talking, but the words didn't make sense.

The panic attack probably came very naturally right there. My anxiety attacks are more frequent and feels worse, than usual. Last night it was from around 19 to 03. I felt the urge to run into the field and just scream, until I exhausted myself. I felt the desire to  smashing something with a sledgehammer (it's unfamiliar territory for me to be so aggressive!)

I guess after working like a maniac for weeks powered by enthusiasm, the balloon suddenly stopped raising, punctured and felt the power of gravity. Like Newton said: 

I have a hard time getting up and out of bed these days. There's no desire.
I try to say to myself that I have all the options. 
What do I feel like doing? 
I have no idea!!! 
I do not know what I want to do! 

Some days I think, the only way I can get out of bed is to turn liquid and start dripping on the floor. 

Photo from:
Andrea Piacquadio

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The feeling of enthusiasm

I'm fascinated of how much the feeling of enthusiasm means to me. I can't remember, last time I felt like this.

I now wake up on the morning and can't wait to start the day, I go to sleep in the evening looking forward to the next day.
What a diffence, huh?
What changed?

Well, for many years I have been attached to a writes group called CC Team. This group protected me, my privacy, and made sure, I had all ressources nessesary to be able to just write. 
I met with the person responsible at least once a year, and she made certain, that I had all the help, that I needed to be able to focus on writing - I have designers for pictures, help to go thru my mail, help to design the blog etc.
That has been nice, but I also felt a bit disconnented to the rest of the group. But all this security also meant  that my contact to other people in the group was very limited.
This person, my primary contact, has stepped down now, she needs to focus on her own job, which ofcourse is understandable.
I was a bit nervous for a while: what would happen now?

I worried for nothing, which is usually the case:-)
To shorten a long story, CC Team got a new president, and with her, I got the chance to be a part of the designers team for not only my own blog, but for netizenquotes as well!!! How about that :-)
I can't tell you how much It means to me; the feeling to be able to make something useful during the day. To focus on something else, than just being mentally challenged.

This gives me such an energy, I can't wait to get up in the morning to start my day. I teach myself to use graphic design software, and if I get stuck or have questions, I jump on Skype and discuss the challenge with other designers from the team. And, surprise to me, they see me as a totally normal person and treat me as such.
I'm not an educated designer, I stumble along the way, and they are not afraid to tell me :-)
They give me a LOT of tips, they critisize my work in a positive way when needed, we have a lot of laughs, and despite we are several hundred miles from each other  it feels like I am working a job in any other office.

This contact on daily basis, the opportunity to work with other people, the chance of writing something else than just depressive stuff, the possibility to make quotes, people around the world might find useful, the fact that someone believes in me and my ability to do more than just write about sad stuff... This has made me grow. 
Don't get me wrong, I was very thankful for the team before, but this new president made me grow in a way, that I didn't think was an option. She is a bit protective, or so I thought at first, however talking to the other team members, I actually found out: it's not only towards me. She protects every one of us.
I'm SO excited about this, and I can't even begin to tell you, how much this enthusiastic feeling means to me and the quality of my life.
I'm worth something! My work matters! 

I hope you all will be able to find somebody out there to inspire you, to believe in you and make you feel enthusiastic about life again.
Until next time: take care :-)

I lost my passion

I had no longer any passion, no desire to do anything. 
I'm sorry, you haven't heard from me, but I felt like "what's the point, I have nothing useful to share anyway"
When I started something new, I didn't have the energi to focus on finishing the task. I didn't really care about anything any more, didn't even bother to take care of myself. Forgot to take my medication - well, forgot is not really true. Truth is I didn't bother to mix it for a week, and didn't have the desire or energy to mix it in my medication box. Didn't even have the desire to brush my teeth or take a shower.

At some point on my way, I lost myself, and I didn't know, what to do. I couldn't even manage to find a movie on TV, that could make me focus to the end.
All I could bring myself to do, was finding as much energy to be positive and sound energetic, when the kids called. After such a phonecall, I was drained, I felt even more lost afterwards.

Geez, I didn't know what to do. Should I pay a visit to the doctor? Nah, what would be the point!

Then one day out of the blue, we got a new owner, and our new boss gave me a call. 
She was inspiring. She sounded so bubbling with enery, had so many ideas and such a drive, sort of like the energizer bunny! She was very happy about my work, and further more she had a lot of new ideas.
It was such an inspiring phonecall, I can't believe, what she was able to do do for me, she twisted all my drained thoughts around and gave me - not only hope - but desire, passion and furthermore the will to go on.
Wow, what a personality!

So I'm sorry to you all, but I have been to the dark side, and now I feel on the fast track back to life.
We're having daily conversations, I feel like I am able to talk with her, as if I'd known her all my life. If I tell her about something bad happening, she is always able to twist it into something better, give me energy, inspiration and drive.

I hope you all will find a person like that.

I need to go, to start the washing machine, take a shower and clean the house. I'm so energetic. But I'll get back to you soon.
Take care out there.

I wish someone would listen

I wish I was invincible instead of being ignored all the time.

I thought a lot about this post, the first post in a very long time.
I don't want you to leave this site empty handed, which I've got the feeling you have done for a long time.

I haven't had a lot of news to share, Covid19, isolation etc didn't have a huge impact on me in the beginning. I'm used to be alone, I'm so used to have nobody to talk to, and especially used to noone listening to me for real.

Back in my working days, I felt needed, trusted and even missed at times. I could even have people waiting to see my car roll up in front of the building, and have people look at me with relief, cause now I was there, and they felt sure, I would take care of any problems, that came our way.
I miss that feeling.

Now I'm just home everyday, my words seem to have no meaning, no impact on anyone and people don't even pay an interest in whatever I say.
It's very frustrating to be ignored in that way. People even interrupt me without the slightest excuse, and I start to wonder, how long time will it take for anyone to notice, if I'm gone.

I know it's a bad place to be in my mind, but thought keeps popping out up in my head. And that's slowly breaking me down.
Sometimes when I try to start a conversation, they not only interrupt me with a totally different subject - it feels like I'm not even in the room. I'm invisible!

I've started to think about getting some work. I'm allowed to work a few hours. I don't think it would matter much, what i actually do, as long I get some colleagues to talk with a few times during the week. Just to get some input from someone else, than the dog. At the same time I worry, that I won't succeed. What if it turn out, that I can't even handle a few hours of work during a week, what a huge failure I would end up to be.

It would be nice to be heard, it would be nice not to feel ignored and invisible. It would be nice, if my opinion mattered to anyone. 
I seem not even to be allowed an opinion, I mean nothing to anybody anymore. Perhaps that why such a long time since I have been writing. Who wants to write, if your words means nothing?

That's hard to fight at the moment, I hope to figure out what to do with these emotions.

Until then, take care out there.

Hes just not that into you

Thank you very much for your mails and suggestions of how to solve our problem in the bedroom.

I've read all your comments, cause I still have issues caused by my boyfriends comments and bad excuses to escape from having sex with me.

Some of you suggest I understand him. And I have tried.

I tried to understand.
I tried talking, yelling, screaming, telling him how much he hurt me.
I took him to a sex shop, and we bought a game.
We had sex 3 times, then a 3 month break.

Then I discovered he was watching porn morning, noon and before sleep, 3 times a day - and he had bought tools to pleasure himself (an artificially girly part, if you know what i mean)
He promised, he stopped, but our walls isn't sound proof, so...

I'm thankful for your suggestion, but I'm sorry to be the negative part here. But my experience is, he will do it again, and it'll hurt even more, cause now he is also lying to me.

If I dont leave, I'm scared, cause from now on the questions will start to pile up;

Why is he suddenly leaving early in the morning(?) 

Why is he typing on the phone all the time?

Is he writing to another woman?

Wheres the third party limit? 

Is it okay to look at bare naked ladies in aa magazine, to be watching porn?

Is it okay to write send heart hug emotion to another woman, okay to write sexual stuff to another person?

Where's there limit?

Should I suggest an open relationship?
And what's the point of that actually, I never really got that! How does that work? Does it work at all?

I think he has completely lost interest in me. This morning I wrote a SMS telling him, that I don't feel good, I'm scared to answer the phone again, can't sleep, so I suggested separate bedrooms (as if I would've noticed!)
He just wrote 2 line saying he thought that would be a bad idea.
Since then nothing. Nothing to make me feel better, no support. But I notice has been on a break, cause he could manage to find the time to send his congratulations to one of his girl friends birthdays.

I feel very much alone with a lot of questions, and I dont know what scares me the most!
A true answer or a nice answer, which will turn out to be yet another lie later on.

I really don't know what to do. Maybe I a too damaged and too suspicious, cause I know the signs way too well.
Or maybe I should watch the movie;
He is just not that into you


Pictures from:

The eternal fight not to spiral down

It seems I live my life constantly fighting NOT to go down, and the thought of being a sinking ship, it's actually a cause of a bit of anxiety.

Also, when I'm spiraling down, I tent to fight to stay above ground and not fall into the hole of nothing. But that fight takes up a lot of energy.

With Covid19/Corona, even I feel the lack of contact to other people now. Living isolated like this at home is very bad for my anxiety as well. Now I'm back living behind locked doors and afraid to get the mail.

However, as everyone else, I get depressed by this quarantine. My anxiety blooms without me knowing it, cause we live isolated, I don't even experience it much, except when we go out on rare occasions....
I was fighting not to go down at first by keeping busy. But when the bad feelings takes over, you can't fight it anyway, so this time, I just stepped into the ride voluntarily.

When I felt the urge to sleep, I slept. I turned off my phone to avoid interruptions. I was just alive. 
I could be looking out the window at the snow falling for hours. Watch an old TV series from start to finish, no matter what time it was. I simply accepted and followed the demands/needs of my body.

That was a soft landing! 
I was down, yes, and at the buttom, absolutely. But I wasn't exhausted by the fight not to go down as usual. 
And the end of this bad period will also arrive here faster, because I was willing to listen to my body.

I'll definitely do exactly like this, when it happens next time. I won't fight the inevitable. 
It's not a cure, but a softer landing doesn't damage the airplane as much as a crash landing. I'll be up flying this time more fast, than I normally would do.

Nothing left to say

On top of being alone and isolated all the time, not just because of Corona, but because I had to sell my car. Being isolated is quite nomal for me.
And on top of being ignored, shouted at, frozen out, left alone, told to move out, finding porn and sexual pleasurement for males in the bedroom, my Saturday went as follows...

Today we had one fight in the afternoon, caused by his lies.
In the evening, I thought we should be watching a movie together. Instead he was paying more attention to his phone.

Late in the evening, he complained, his cloud was full, and asked me to empty it.
And full it was, but not much by pictures of any of us. Nope, the reason for the big storage use on his cloud was porn.

I left my spot at the computer immediately, told him to remove it, and went out of the room.
I downloaded half a year, then I found porn again. 3 hours of that dirt in a row. 

I just got up without a word and left the room. Sat down on the staircase looking out on the snow in the garden. It felt like I could hear every heart beat in my body brushing in my ears, and I was shaking all over. My God, how can he do this to me?

I came back 15 minutes later and sat down in front of the TV.
He told me, he had removed all the stuff, also pictures out of focus.
I simply couldn't handle any more reminders of the obvious fact, that I'm not good enough, and told him so.
There must have been 20-24 hours of porn in his cloud.

Later on he told me he was sorry.
Give me a break, this is not the first time. Removing history from his account right after I found it the first time, is so obviously an act to hide, what he is doing. Why hide it, if you are not doing something worth hiding. Now I know why he goes to work early!
He simply insults my intelligence, otherwise he is the most stupid or naive man on the planet to think any woman would fall for that one!

Well, I'm sorry, he doesn't find me attractive and told him that. After everything he has said and done, I simply cannot see anyway back to what we have lost. 
I can't for my life find any more words to say!

I don't trust him, I dispise his tase for girls, geez, they are at my daughters age.
I recent his need to send lovely heart-greetings and hugging bears to every girl on his friends list, but me. I could go on, but it weighs heavily on my shoulder.
I sat down an listened to a lot of music, I was shaking all over. Depression is right on my shoulder and anxiety has already possessed me, so I'll leave the word to the songwriters of "Impossible", Arnthor Birgisson and Ina Christine Wroldsen.

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot, I did

And now
When all is done, there is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won, you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

Depression a lifesucking tornado

Happy new year.
Sorry to start without any huge enthusiasm, but each year I hope everything gets better - and I always get disappointed. So let's not take a walk thru that park again!

I had a bit of a shitty day yesterday, now my BF is going back to work, and I can be very scared to be alone.

I didn't want to annoy anyone with this, I'm so tired of feeling whining. So I called a friend who I trust equally as family, to get a lifeline.

The PTSD is stress related, and to me it means computers, phones, paperwork, noice, especially noice from the sound of a lot of people talking i a huge area.

So all the stress is really bad for me.  Christmas is supposed to be joyful and a happy time. 
Come to think of it: I have actually never experienced that. 
I always look so much forward to see everyone, and then it's over almost before it started.

This year mom was sick, coronatest to be done, Christmas tree, food, gifts, doctors, physical therapy. Do we make it in time....

And we did, we made it, it was so comfy and delightful to have the kids around me.

And BAM, then it's all over and the kids at home by themselves and my BF is back at work and I'm back being alone.
The house it is empty and sad, here's ofcourse always a lot to do here. But when sadness takes over, I become passive. I do not get outside, it triggers the anxiety. 
So I shoud stay inside and relax. But if I get behind in tasks, it triggers my stress  and PTSD.

It's like 3 diseases that reinforce each other and I can't seem to find the method, that will make my inner system work together.

So I was about to fall. I do not know how it feels to you? 
To me, it's like a big giant hole deep in the ground. And in that hole, there is a wind like a tornado, that just sucks everything down into the deep darkness. Sucks the last bit of strength and energy, sucks life itself out of you.

I suddenly found myself on that edge, feeling like I was getting sucked down.
And I do not want to go there, but the more I was fighting to stay out,  the closer to the edge I seemed to get.

I reached for a lifeline just to go through those hours, then I was "back" on safer ground.

No matter what, I'm gonna have to relax today.
I can't handle yet ano trip to the buttom.

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Quotes and alike by:

And so this is christmas

According to American movies, advertisements and my own expectations, this should be such a happy time.

But doctors appointments and meetings with social services takes a lot of the spare time. My boyfriend works long hours a day, to be able to take a day off, when I need to go the hospital etc.
I'm used to be the wife in total control, now I feel I have none. I have no car to go do shopping and make all those kind of preparations, I'm used to do.
Stocking up food ind the freezer etc.

The corona rules are changing all the time, so I check the rules each day. People in general are tired of the situation, I totally get it.
For me, the mask though, goes very well with my hiding-out outfit.

I look forward to see my children very much, my parents however, I haven't seen at Christmas for a decade. So you know, you can't help like feeling a bit of the black sheep there either.

I would love the Christmas, with couples romantic holding hands in the snow, while they're christmas shopping with huge smiles and perfect, spotles clothes.

We see that all the time in advertisements, but have you ever seen any in real life?

Well I'll take a big breath and make it thru.
My best christmas wishes to all of you and your families.

Main; Any Lane
Quotes etc from Netizen Quotes 

The brain seen like a mental equalizer

Reading descriptions of mental disorders and injuries, you often find some resemblance to yourself, no matter what disorder or injury, you find.

As a little thought experiment,  I've started to try to look at the brain as an equalizer, cause I've started the experiment  with the thought, that we all contain a bit of every disorder. 

In between the scale area of average, we actually and find the biggest part of people - let's just call them mentally healthy and fully functional during daily basis.
Compared to an equalizer, not all buttons are at same level, but in the normal area, and the music quality sounds ok.

Then we have the people, where some of the buttons are pushed either too high or too low.
Compared to music through an equalizer, some pieces of music is okay, and some has too high/low a bass, and sounds horrible.
Play the right music, the sound system won't notice, some buttons are outside of the normal area. Play the wrong music, and you'll start to ruin the speakers of the sound system.
Here we talk about people, who have special needs to function on daily basis. But if you give these people, what they need, they are able to work as well as a mentally healthy person.
(Medium depression or medium anxiety for instance)

At my final level, we find people, who is not able to function at all. They might be dangerous to themselves or others, or mentally tied to a bed or living indoors.
Here we ofcourse have an equalizer, that's totally out of range on many, if not all, levels. Music played through this soundsystem would ruin most of the system or even break down.
(Schizophrenia, Paranoia  Severe anxiety, severe depression, PTSD for instance)

In my experiment of thoughts, I just made 3 levels,  even though I find myself ind the middle of 2 and 3 (mostly 3 unfortunately.)
An educated therapist or psychiatrist would most likely not use the model at all, and definitely not use only 3 levels.
However this is absolutely not a detailed description, it's just to explain an idea.

Remember, this is just an experiment of thoughts, I don't know if it has been done before, I don't have any reference, its just yet another way to look at the brain.

However, what I find interesting in this theory: if you during training, exercises and therapy are able to pin point what triggers your personal equalizer, and makes you sing out of tune, then you are quite good going. Cause you have to know your enemy. Our brain is playing with us, and when we understand the rules of the game, it's possible to win.

Just a crazy thought on a boring day.
May your God's be with you :)

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Silence after the storm

I don't really know what I'm doing. I just exist.
It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.

If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain. 
I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself. However in the long run it's definitely not healthy to put a lid on your emotions.

The sad news is, that this is what I do. I start to care less, it's like givin up on a sinking ship. I just let it go. I don't really care to save anything, there's no reason to, the boat will sink at some point, since water keeps pouring in.

This is the most empty feeling ever, and I have no solution or desire to try to figure it out, it seems to be too late. Theres too much water in our boat, and I'm the only one at the pumps. Why bother then(?)

I know this bubble will blow up at some point, and this silence... I'm also sure will end, whether it's going to be a final explosion or a decent talk, I have no idea.

For now, I just keep to myself, and talk, when I'm asked. And everybody seems to find that perfect, so I decided to play along this time. Thry don't appreciate my company, they don't seem to care if I am doing okay or not. I might as well be invisible,  they would ignore me equally. 

But God I need to talk with another person. I need to feel worthy of something, at least just worthy to be noticed.

Fortunately I have Lucy (CCTeam), who I've  asked to make these graphics, and she's a lady with her own opinion. I love that.
Sometimes I notice, she sort of answers me in the work she's doing. If I ask for a quote about loneliness, she doubkes up with 2 other creations of "it's better to be alone..." 

It's nice to have their support, cause I start to feel unworthy of love. Maybe it's not in my cards to be loved unconditionally, truly, fully in a solid marriage. 

Original photo by:
Quotes by;

When a punch in the face would hurts less

Why did I tell you about our sexual problems in the bedroom? It doesn't connect with anxiety and depression.
Or does it?

Since my boyfriend seemed to prefer to seek sexual satisfaction with his toys and porn over me, I was really down.
It felt like a punch in the face would have hurt much less, however equally a dealbreaker.

It most certainly affected my self-esteem and my awareness of how skinny I am.
I question, if my body would turn on anyone at all.
My ability to get sexual satisfaction is almost totally gone. 
I feel old, unattractive and ugly.
And most of all, I feel very much alone, cause I can't trust that one person, I trusted the most.

However this is unfortunately something many women go thru - not that it makes everything allright.
Nevertheless somewhere in the world, theres women going through the excact same thing.
And I bet, that it hurts everyone of us equally, no matter what diagnose we have, if any.
And the side effects of our boyfriends actions; our hurt feelings, is somewhat alike.  

And I feelt down, like my inside was turned out. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm 15 years older, than when we met each other.
This was the one, that blew me off track this time, but remember; with anxiety and depression in my backpack, my boat was perhaps more easy to rock.

There's no pill against these feelings. There's no easy fix.
As many other episodes in my life, this happened to me, not because of me. No matter what, this was HIS choice.

And that's the whole point. 
Depression makes bad thoughts come more easily, but it's caused by something in this case. 
I guess I have yet a lesson to learn:
I have to be careful and try hard NOT to sink into depression each time, I get hurt by a man. Otherwise it seems like I could be hurt the rest of my life.

Many of our problems, is precisely the same, as other couples problems. And they go thru those problems without sinking into depression. 

It must be possible for me to do that as well.
So... this will be my personal fight on the inside for some time from now. To remember, that every bump on the road is not caused by my mental issues. Some of them is actually quite 'normal.'

Thank you for listening.

Title photo;

Quotes etc from my friends, who writes at;

After porn comes more lies

After discovering the truth and confronting him, I really thought he understood how heartbroken I was, and he ofcourse claims, that he had thrown away the toys and stopped watching porn immidiately.

First he seemed genuine and very understanding,  but...
I'm such an idiot!

Some time later on, I was looking at recipes and comparing 2. I decided to go for the first one, but couldn't get the recipe  back on the laptop. But history has suddenly been wiped.
It doesn't suddenly disappear, you have to do that manually.

Again I confronted him. He claimed ofcourse, he had not done anything, besides we have had sex several times,  he claimed.
I went to my calendar and started to look back, for each page I turned, I saw his face look more weird.
4 months! Once in 4 months.

I didn't ask anything, the stupid excuses make me sick, besides I don't need to ask.
Theres NO man who goes without sex for 4 months, if he has a woman right next to him. Theres must theres something more interesting for him to "do:.

This time I didn't really feel much but a bit sad, cause I know what's going on.
He is still watching porn, he is just not computer wise enough to know, what history actually means. 
But to make a long story short, it doesn't prevent others to find, what you watch.

I have given up any discussion now, he wont realise, how much he has hurt me and still does.
He doesn't talk about any previous girlfriends, so apparently somethig is not over.
At newyears he showed me a message from his messenger. I noticed a long row of girls he had been sending hearts and virtual hugs to in october. 
I checked my own messages and I haven't received anything like that from him in october or anytime else for that matter..

I am currently having a huge discussion with myself whether I should stay here or not. I love him, but...
He is "just not that into me", and apparently he prefers to look at porn and jerk off, rather than be with me.
AND he lies about it, he talks about me with others, also talks about me with previous girlfriends  
Sometimes he leaves the house to talk on the phone, so I wont hear the conversation, and naturally he gets messages all the time 

Buy do you know, what I don't get?
With all the above 'interests' and secrets, why the hell has he asked me to marry him twice?