Hes just not that into you

Thank you very much for your mails and suggestions of how to solve our problem in the bedroom.

I've read all your comments, cause I still have issues caused by my boyfriends comments and bad excuses to escape from having sex with me.

Some of you suggest I understand him. And I have tried.

I tried to understand.
I tried talking, yelling, screaming, telling him how much he hurt me.
I took him to a sex shop, and we bought a game.
We had sex 3 times, then a 3 month break.

Then I discovered he was watching porn morning, noon and before sleep, 3 times a day - and he had bought tools to pleasure himself (an artificially girly part, if you know what i mean)
He promised, he stopped, but our walls isn't sound proof, so...

I'm thankful for your suggestion, but I'm sorry to be the negative part here. But my experience is, he will do it again, and it'll hurt even more, cause now he is also lying to me.

If I dont leave, I'm scared, cause from now on the questions will start to pile up;

Why is he suddenly leaving early in the morning(?) 

Why is he typing on the phone all the time?

Is he writing to another woman?

Wheres the third party limit? 

Is it okay to look at bare naked ladies in aa magazine, to be watching porn?

Is it okay to write send heart hug emotion to another woman, okay to write sexual stuff to another person?

Where's there limit?

Should I suggest an open relationship?

And what's the point of that actually, I never really got that! How does that work? Does it work at all?

I think he has completely lost interest in me. This morning I wrote a SMS telling him, that I don't feel good, I'm scared to answer the phone again, can't sleep, so I suggested separate bedrooms (as if I would've noticed!)

He just wrote 2 line saying he thought that would be a bad idea.

Since then nothing. Nothing to make me feel better, no support. But I notice has been on a break, cause he could manage to find the time to send his congratulations to one of his girl friends birthdays.

I feel very much alone with a lot of questions, and I dont know what scares me the most!

A true answer or a nice answer, which will turn out to be yet another lie later on.

I really don't know what to do. Maybe I a too damaged and too suspicious, cause I know the signs way too well.

Or maybe I should watch the movie;

He is just not that into you

 

 

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I can not find peace

The meeting with the job consultant went fine, but I have been restless a long time leading up to that meeting.

They are going for mental disabiligty, since they don't feel sure that I can handle more pressure as a human beeing.


I'm fine with that, it'll give me more room to relax and get better.

But no matter what, I need some sort of extra income, bit I don't know where this is going to come from.

I have been on/off for several weeks now, trying to get up from the dark hole, but some days I simply can't find a reason to do so.

How am I supposed to create a second income here(?) I guess I'll have to move first.

The house is up for sale, but nobody knows, when it's going to be sold.
Again an uncertain future.

I can't handle that, not being able to plan anything.
The rest has this and that demand to the house. One wants his own room, besides the bedroom etc etc, and we'll, that is not possible.  So do you want to move or not?
Putting up impossible demands for a new place is not going to make me change my mind.
I'm not staying here.

So I'm restless, I pace around. I do a little here and there, with no actual result anywhere.
I'm so tired of this wandering about, I could scream.

My thoughts are killing me. I'm bombed by thoughts in my mind, like they all explode in the same time and want to be heard at once.
I can't event sort it out from each other.

I'm scared for the first time in a long time. I'm scared to end my life here ind the God forsaken place, without reaching the water, that I have been longing to get back to since I moved away as a teenager.
My whole life has been shaped by others wishes. I think it's about time, that my wished come a bit true also, before its too late.

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