Depression a lifesucking tornado

Happy new year.

Sorry to start without any huge enthusiasm, but each year I hope everything gets better - and I always get disappointed. So let's not take a walk thru that park again!

I had a bit of a shitty day yesterday, now my BF is going back to work, and I can be very scared to be alone.

I didn't want to annoy anyone with this, I'm so tired of feeling whining. So I called a friend who I trust equally as family, to get a lifeline.

The PTSD is stress related, and to me it means computers, phones, paperwork, noice, especially noice from the sound of a lot of people talking i a huge area.

So all the stress is really bad for me.  Christmas is supposed to be joyful and a happy time. 

Come to think of it: I have actually never experienced that. 

I always look so much forward to see everyone, and then it's over almost before it started.

This year mom was sick, coronatest to be done, Christmas tree, food, gifts, doctors, physical therapy. Do we make it in time....

And we did, we made it, it was so comfy and delightful to have the kids around me.

And BAM, then it's all over and the kids at home by themselves and my BF is back at work and I'm back being alone.

The house it is empty and sad, here's ofcourse always a lot to do here. But when sadness takes over, I become passive. I do not get outside, it triggers the anxiety. 

So I shoud stay inside and relax. But if I get behind in tasks, it triggers my stress  and PTSD.

It's like 3 diseases that reinforce each other and I can't seem to find the method, that will make my inner system work together.

So I was about to fall. I do not know how it feels to you? 

To me, it's like a big giant hole deep in the ground. And in that hole, there is a wind like a tornado, that just sucks everything down into the deep darkness. Sucks the last bit of strength and energy, sucks life itself out of you.

I suddenly found myself on that edge, feeling like I was getting sucked down.

And I do not want to go there, but the more I was fighting to stay out,  the closer to the edge I seemed to get.

I reached for a lifeline just to go through those hours, then I was "back" on safer ground.

No matter what, I'm gonna have to relax today.

I can't handle yet ano trip to the buttom.

Photo by;

Jonas Von Werne

Quotes and alike by:

netizenquotes.com

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The brain seen like a mental equalizer

Reading descriptions of mental disorders and injuries, you often find some resemblance to yourself, no matter what disorder or injury, you find.

As a little thought experiment,  I've started to try to look at the brain as an equalizer, cause I've started the experiment  with the thought, that we all contain a bit of every disorder. 

In between the scale area of average, we actually and find the biggest part of people - let's just call them mentally healthy and fully functional during daily basis.

Compared to an equalizer, not all buttons are at same level, but in the normal area, and the music quality sounds ok.

Then we have the people, where some of the buttons are pushed either too high or too low.

Compared to music through an equalizer, some pieces of music is okay, and some has too high/low a bass, and sounds horrible.

Play the right music, the sound system won't notice, some buttons are outside of the normal area. Play the wrong music, and you'll start to ruin the speakers of the sound system.

Here we talk about people, who have special needs to function on daily basis. But if you give these people, what they need, they are able to work as well as a mentally healthy person.

(Medium depression or medium anxiety for instance)

At my final level, we find people, who is not able to function at all. They might be dangerous to themselves or others, or mentally tied to a bed or living indoors.

Here we ofcourse have an equalizer, that's totally out of range on many, if not all, levels. Music played through this soundsystem would ruin most of the system or even break down.

(Schizophrenia, Paranoia  Severe anxiety, severe depression, PTSD for instance)

In my experiment of thoughts, I just made 3 levels,  even though I find myself ind the middle of 2 and 3 (mostly 3 unfortunately.)

An educated therapist or psychiatrist would most likely not use the model at all, and definitely not use only 3 levels.

However this is absolutely not a detailed description, it's just to explain an idea.

Remember, this is just an experiment of thoughts, I don't know if it has been done before, I don't have any reference, its just yet another way to look at the brain.

However, what I find interesting in this theory: if you during training, exercises and therapy are able to pin point what triggers your personal equalizer, and makes you sing out of tune, then you are quite good going. Cause you have to know your enemy. Our brain is playing with us, and when we understand the rules of the game, it's possible to win.

Just a crazy thought on a boring day.

May your God's be with you :)

Photos by;

kalhh

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I still try to shake off depression

After an overload of pressure, I've sunk into a depressive state and needed some serious RnR, to get back to be able to hold my ground.

I certainly found a limit there. Just a bit of mental overload, and depression and anxiety is back.

I wanted to let you know, that I'm now off the couch. That was a fight not to just stay under the the duvet and pretend, that the rest of the world does not exist. Or even better; I don't excist.

It took me some time just to get there, and I'm trying to hold on the best I can.
I stay away from computers, phones - stats one of my "triggers" from my working days. Even though it is years ago, I simply can't handle the pressure that comes with computers and gadgets. PTSD / PTSS reactions comes instantly.
That's the reason you don't hear much from me right now.

During the day, I work with 2 schedules.
I have a sort of "must do" list, and a "can do".
Is given, the tasks on the must do lists it's the important, like take medication, breaks, even meals is in here - cause I tend to skip my meals due to lack of appetite.
And ofcourse the can do lists is assignments, that I can do, if I get inspired. (Right now I'm washing duvets for instance. The other day I was working in the garden...)

I'm slowly - but steady - taking in the world again bit by bit.

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Depression and Anxiety returns

From one second to another, my job consultant took away all my progress.

I was a bit exited before the meeting, cause now there might be a solution. Just the hope inside was enough to make me want to get out of bed, even when I was sick and feeling bad.
Now I see no point in getting up, and I haven't really done anything productive since the meeting.

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The Job Consultant took away my hope

I've been at a meeting today(friday), where I thought I might be cleared to work.

OMG they are incredible. They don't understand anything.

Now I'm noted as having dementia, what the fuck is going on?

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Social life is drowning in gadgets

What's wrong with this picture? 

Everyy where you go, it's always the same.

No wonder we all have changed into emotional shut-in's. When we stand right next to each other, we prefer the company of the newest technology.  

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My brain with PTSD is like a pool game

The most frustrating is the memory loss. It gives me many practical challenges. I'm totally lost without my calendar and my phone.

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Living with short time memory loss

With all the remedies we have in our household, it's easy to remember all tasks. Just put an alarm on the phone, and you're done. 

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I lost my GPS of my day

The end is near - almost.
I lost my calendar somewhere, I have searched all over, it's no where to be found... And the idiotic part of the story is,  that I feel totally lost without it.

I can't remember anything I haven't written down. I don't know time and date for my next doctors visit, dentist, surgery, appointments with friends or anything!

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Hard moments during a day

There is certain times during a day, that's worse than others. 

Of course days with panic attacks is the worst, but in the daily routine there's obstacles too.

Getting up in the morning used to be a struggle, when I was living alone. Actually the worst was not as much to get up, as it was the thought of what I was going to do afterwards... Leaving the house pretending all day, that I'M FINE!!!!

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Medication is making me wanna puke

I don't get a truck load of medication for anxiety and depression anymore. 

That's by my choise, not the docs. It's my impression they would medicate my brain away, if they could decide.

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A typical day with short time memory loss

As a side effect from PTSD I have short time memory loss.
How do you get any work done with that?

I'm about to say I don't get anything done, but that's not totally true.

But I forget what I am doing. Easily.

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect.

But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music.
I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting.
There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while. But here's a couple to get started.
I would be more than happy, if you'll share your favorites with me, then I'll add them to the list, if I think its beneficial for all.
Happy listening!

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Diversion: Relaxation Music in the Radio

Music has a huge effect on us, and I'll stay on the subject for today as well.
I'm back in a period of bad sleeping, not sleeping at all, and it makes me nuts.

So I grabbed my music list on YouTube, just to discover, that many of the tracks were taken down or had adds on them, disturbing the sleep, when it finally came to me.

Then I remembered internet radio stations, and thought I would give you some links to pages, where you can select amongst a huge number of radios. So my first thought was; why not just send you a link list(?) 

My daughter told me, that she in fact not could stream a radio channel, so I better put up players, to make it easy for everyone.

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Living with anxiety 4 & 5 - esteem...

Part 4 and 5 is pretty much focused on self esteem and desire to reach goals and success.
I'll focus in that, when I have fought my way thru that. The most important thing for me right now is to learn how to live with the disease, not "win the Olympics."

I have been successful, I have earned a lot of money. But if stress, anxiety, depression and panic attacks is a result hereof, the price is to high.

But as I wrote... I'll handle that, when I get to it. Right now I fight just to eat, sleep and get outside in despite of SAD, PTSD and whatever label they put on me this morning! So the option for a high end career is not back for me yet.

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PTSD and anger

I've changed since I started this blog.
The doctor told me to be prepared for strong emotinal reactions and some that I didn't even recognise.
Well how's this for a change(?)

I am angry.
No I'm way past angry, and upset...
I feel pissed off!
In the situation I have no empathy for the other party at all. I just want to beat the he'll out of them, slam them into the ground and kick them repiedetaly until I have used all my energy to get this person down for life.

My anger is especially pointing towards people who let me down and even stole from me, when I was at the buttom of my life.

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Now what(?)

I've been to surgery several times, and for bed rest even longer to heal.
So even though my surgery isnt all done, I had to start rehabilitation program at the Hospital, to be strong enough for next surgery.
Depressing in itself perhaps, but I try to look at it as positive as I can.

I'm on sickleave, I can't work and I'm not allowed to. It's for sure a challenge to make ends meet.
I would love to help my children out financially since they study, but they manage as well as I did without help from my mom and dad.

My memory is a problem, and as for now, I would not be able to work efficient, and I hate that.

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Update 2018: Mental health, PTSD

Let's talk about the new diagnose - I have 2, mental and now fysical.

MENTAL:
Well, to try something "new",  I got yet a new diagnose.
PTSD.
My first reaction was "I'm not a soldier and have never experienced war."

But this doctor simply put THE diagnose that fits in 10 minutes.
Back from the hospital I read about it a lot, it fits perfect.
"Under severe stress for several years".

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Update 2018: medicine

I don't write when I'm below down. Then I'm worth absolutely nothing. That also means, that you won't get any new posts in that period if time. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.

I'll focus on getting you up to speed, it will make it more easy to follow.

As for medicine, I get a huge load of minerals and vitamins.
I refused to take anything anymore, that effects the mind long term.

I have relaxation medication for anxiety attacks, which I take very rare. Other than that: nothing.

I have yet a new diagnose PTSD.
Apparently that's not just for soldiers, but for people who have lived too long under extreme stress.

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