A bit of pictures from our relaxation spot

We don't spend most of our times indoors, that was actually not the point either. Most of the time we spend at the water.
However its nice to have a good nice relaxing place to come home to in the evening, when we have been outside most of the day.
The living room is comfy, and the huge windows all over the place makes the sun come shining through, bringing good mood to everybody.
The black leather in the living room is not to my taste, but the furniture is comfy and you can easily fall asleep there - trust me :-)
We have bought a couple of new games to play in the evening - games that does not remind us of both the father figures we lost last year.
It's actually quite a challenge to find games for 3 people. Either its for 2 people - or a "whole family."
But we have succeeded in finding a couple, that's also quite funny for all ages.

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Oh Freedom :-) We have yet a new location

This picture does actually not give justice to the house we have rented for the week. It's a wonderful house, close to the waters, and its bigger than you assume from the picture.

We have each our room with double beds, and 2 porches, where we can enjoy the sun.

There's no problems with hunting the children to take a bath, my little girl has already been into the jacuzzi 3 times - lol. 

We haven't used the sauna yet, cause the weather has been so wonderful. Most of the time we have been at the water collecting seashells and stones for a new fireplace, that we have planned to make in the garden, when we come home from our recreation.

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"Daily life" at the mental hospital

Right now I'm SO down, cause I wont see my little girl today - my mom's car has broken down! One of the worst things about being here is the sorrow of not being able to hug and kiss my children. Fortunately my big boy was here after school today (he studies in this town), so at least I have seen one familiar face today. I am able to manage to keep up a big smile while they are here, and also when they leave - but after the doors close behind them, I allow myself to let the tears come.

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Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better.
It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children.

My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however as I also said, so am I - so its totally understandable.
The psychiatrist however told me, that another fact is, that it is very hard to see a person so horrible down all the time. And it is impossible for a person, who has never tried deep depression and anxiety to know, how much it affects the mind as well as the body.
The tiredness is almost overwhelming, and unfortunately I don't have a husband or boyfriend to support me though all this. There's no one to take the practical daily burdens on my shoulder, and I have not the steady support, that you normally would have in a husband.

We also talked about the birthday of my boy, how it went (and especially didn't go as planned). However the psychiatrist told me, that I should look at it as a little success: we made it through the bowling - and even though it brought memories back from when we were 4 playing, I went through that.
Doing the birthday cake, the day after, was also one of the little successes. It was a recipe, I had developed for my boyfriend. And making it again after he left me, that was hard. But I did it!

So all in all: I should look at the little successes, the good moments, and not at the failures. Fighting a mental disease is hard!

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Second and final danceshow

We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room.
I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction.
But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile.

My parents came around noon, I was preparing dinner for this evening. I hate the thought of food, but this was vegetables that I was preparing, and I can handle that.
My mom and step dad were both so amazed of what I had done in the bathroom, but well... They dont know the right end to hold a screwdriver them selves, so...

Well, we went to the dance show, and there was naturally many people, which I have difficulties to handle. But I managed, we saw my little girls show, and shortly after buying the group picture, we went home.On the way out of there I saw a potential boyfriend smiling at me, and I smiled back to him. However, I don't know who he is, or did not talk to him at all. I'm scared. I'll probably end up as an old woman with lots of cats ;-)

So now I am in my "safe spot", the sofa, in the room with the fireplace, with all curtains closed. It seems I have survived yet another day in the world.

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A New Family Member(?)

We have decided to get another family member - a kitten.
It's just difficult, since our cat "Kitty" is very nervous - especially after we had the dog.
So we are looking for a kitten, that is not too old - 8-10 weeks. Hopefully it wont scare our Kitty.

There is no kittens available online for now - only "older" kittens, like 6 months+.
We can't risk that. We don't want to make this a fight for Kitty to be in her house. She has already experienced that, and now she is finally feeling that the whole house is access able.
However  spring is coming up, so perhaps we will find a new "family" member at that time.

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I have been sick - but mentally I start to feel a bit better

I haven't been writing for some days now, I have been running a fever again and spend most of my time sleeping and having the worst dreams.
However today I managed to get to work, and after lab work was done, I went back to work from home. I feel better in my "safe spot."
I worked until 17, but after that I actually also managed to do some work around the house since dinner was already made. It's nice, to start to feel a little bit of excitement. A little spark of desire to actually do something, instead of just sitting crumbled together in a chair staring empty out of the window.
Remembering my psy tools: do not demand anything from yourself, keep your ambition level to a minimum. After having had such a total mental breakdown, the depression will hit hard. So I just have to focus on getting the normal household running, and if I then have the desire to do a little extra - I should be happy about that. And I am.
Today, besides taking care of the children and my job, dinner etc. - I also did some work on the house. Hung up some pictures, a towel dryer in the bathroom...
So, now I feel tired in a good way, and anxiety is not that hard on me. I know that feeling can easily change to the worse in an hour, but I'll try to keep focus on the good moments :-)

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