Thank you very much, now I know, why I feel such lack of love around me.
Showing posts with label Sorrow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sorrow. Show all posts
Merry Christmas with mixed feelings
I know, there's a Christmas break in my writing, but as everybody else, I have been very busy, a bit stressed and confused.Update 2018: fysical health
Afterwards I see the symptoms... I was getting more and more tired, but couldn't sleep. Sometime I went to work after no sleep in 4 days.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.
I didnt know my heart could break into more pieces
I got some news this afternoon, that totally shook the ground underneath me. When the hospital staff saw me, they immediately game me relaxation medicine.
I am SO disappointed in everyone around me.
Apparently I have been degraded to a brick in the game, that everyone around me feels the right to move around accordingly to their own wishes.
I can't do anything right
- not even killing myself. And what happens, when you try to do that, and don't succeed(?) Well, you do not end up in the morgue, you end up in the mental hospital.
So here I am, once again.
I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info.
I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family.
But well, after all I have put them through lately, I feel very ashamed - I hate myself so bad - so I'd probably not call anyone anyway.
So here I am, once again.
I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info.
I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family.
But well, after all I have put them through lately, I feel very ashamed - I hate myself so bad - so I'd probably not call anyone anyway.
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....
Sometimes I feel, that I am getting better.
But then I have fall backs, like yesterday. I wanted to kill myself, but the f****** knives in this house, that I have rented, is not sharp enough.
I tried to cut my veins in my arm and my leg, but it was not possible.
I feel bad for my children, to have a mom like me. I'm the only one they have left, and I am such a fuck up.
I try to "hide" behind a big smile and stupid jokes. Its just a facade, there's nothing true about me. I don't even know, who I am anymore. I have been hiding my true feelings for so long, that I cant even get in touch with them anymore.
My period always comes with memories....
I know all women has more or less bad times during their period.
For me it brings memories of the miscarriage I had, and the abortion I had to go through alone.
It also reminds me of what "should have been" - how I wish life should have formed for all of us - and the fact that it didn't end up, as I dreamed it should be.
I wish I could get over those thought, and most times I am successful in my acceptance, that life didn't bring me what I wished for.
But with my period comes all the thoughts...
Cleaning Up After My Ex Boyfriend And Husband
I think a little about my never ending "to-do-list". I haven't made an actual list, cause it will just make me scared to look at it!
But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore.
Stuff after my ex husband
We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse!
However going through his stuff is more easy, since he has no need or wish to keep stuff anymore, therefore we don't have to worry about his opinion. Now its up to the children and me to decide, whether we feel something for the stuff, that he left behind, and would like to keep that for sentimental reasons.
The task is going to be difficult emotionally though, and I'm scared, that the children and me will be overwhelmed with sorrow, while doing the job.
Stuff after my ex boyfriend
This is more difficult in another way. After the way he left us, I don't believe, there will be a lot of sorrow attached to that. Especially not for the children. And for me, well, lets face the reality... He represented a dream of a husband, which he was never really wanted to be.
We have already started to remove pictures of him around the house, and replace it with pictures of the childrens father. I know for sure, that the childrens father loved us all for real - he was just too sick and not able to fight his alcoholism.
However - no matter what my ex boyfriend did to us - I find it difficult to throw away his stuff. I can't in any way know, what kind of stuff that means something for him emotionally, if anything at all. As I wrote in an earlier post, "what was actually important to my boyfriend(?)"
I have asked several times in mails, if there's special stuff, he would like to keep, but I get no answer.
I really don't want to throw away stuff, that means something to him - even after the horrible way he left me - I can't do that. On the other hand, we can't keep storing it forever. And I really have no belief, that he will come one day and transport it back to his own country.
What to do(?)
Well, I have planned to "arm" myself with my neighbor. Get the one garage, where some of my ex husbands stuff is stored, get the stuff in that garage sorted and cleaned out. She will be able to help me and the children through the sorrow, when it arrives.
That way the trailer will fit into the garage, and we will be able to load it little by little, with other stuff, that we want to throw away (without the stuff getting wet and heavy by rain.)
What I personally need to do:
Remember my Psychologist Tools: accept that I am sick. Not to make too many plans. Not to force myself.
But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore.
Stuff after my ex husband
We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse!
However going through his stuff is more easy, since he has no need or wish to keep stuff anymore, therefore we don't have to worry about his opinion. Now its up to the children and me to decide, whether we feel something for the stuff, that he left behind, and would like to keep that for sentimental reasons.
The task is going to be difficult emotionally though, and I'm scared, that the children and me will be overwhelmed with sorrow, while doing the job.
Stuff after my ex boyfriend
This is more difficult in another way. After the way he left us, I don't believe, there will be a lot of sorrow attached to that. Especially not for the children. And for me, well, lets face the reality... He represented a dream of a husband, which he was never really wanted to be.
We have already started to remove pictures of him around the house, and replace it with pictures of the childrens father. I know for sure, that the childrens father loved us all for real - he was just too sick and not able to fight his alcoholism.
However - no matter what my ex boyfriend did to us - I find it difficult to throw away his stuff. I can't in any way know, what kind of stuff that means something for him emotionally, if anything at all. As I wrote in an earlier post, "what was actually important to my boyfriend(?)"
I have asked several times in mails, if there's special stuff, he would like to keep, but I get no answer.
I really don't want to throw away stuff, that means something to him - even after the horrible way he left me - I can't do that. On the other hand, we can't keep storing it forever. And I really have no belief, that he will come one day and transport it back to his own country.
What to do(?)
Well, I have planned to "arm" myself with my neighbor. Get the one garage, where some of my ex husbands stuff is stored, get the stuff in that garage sorted and cleaned out. She will be able to help me and the children through the sorrow, when it arrives.
That way the trailer will fit into the garage, and we will be able to load it little by little, with other stuff, that we want to throw away (without the stuff getting wet and heavy by rain.)
What I personally need to do:
Remember my Psychologist Tools: accept that I am sick. Not to make too many plans. Not to force myself.
Psychologist Visit 7: I Need More Help
I drove around the city, where they are rebuilding parking spots and roads all over - my GPS was at no help at all of course, since it does not know the twists and turns during building of new roads.
Depression And Sorrow
After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog...
Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90...
I feel the depression running through me, and I know it will be a big part of the "healing." After all, the total numbness I felt during my mental breakdown is a dissociation, a defense. Now I feel the feelings, and I have to go through them, otherwise I wont get to the other side of this.
But its not easy! Sometimes it seems feeling numb was better. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, a part of me has died. It's so beautiful put in this movie clip from the movie Twilight:
Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left
Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90...
I feel the depression running through me, and I know it will be a big part of the "healing." After all, the total numbness I felt during my mental breakdown is a dissociation, a defense. Now I feel the feelings, and I have to go through them, otherwise I wont get to the other side of this.
But its not easy! Sometimes it seems feeling numb was better. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, a part of me has died. It's so beautiful put in this movie clip from the movie Twilight:
Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left
Research: Psycopath, Narcissist, Empathy Disorder
I give myself the fault of everything that has happened to me, and that's first of not healthy - secondly he told me - and under stressed that - It is not my fault that another person is treating me badly.
Posts
