I din't know what to do. I had no idea of how to change this situation.
Showing posts with label Suicidal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicidal. Show all posts
Life quantity or life quality
Well!!!
This topic (amongst others) is messing around in my thoughts.
This topic (amongst others) is messing around in my thoughts.
I'm living on the boulevard of broken dreams, where everyone else is living out their dreams, which is also mine.
I can't do anything right
- not even killing myself. And what happens, when you try to do that, and don't succeed(?) Well, you do not end up in the morgue, you end up in the mental hospital.
So here I am, once again.
I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info.
I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family.
But well, after all I have put them through lately, I feel very ashamed - I hate myself so bad - so I'd probably not call anyone anyway.
So here I am, once again.
I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info.
I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family.
But well, after all I have put them through lately, I feel very ashamed - I hate myself so bad - so I'd probably not call anyone anyway.
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....
Sometimes I feel, that I am getting better.
But then I have fall backs, like yesterday. I wanted to kill myself, but the f****** knives in this house, that I have rented, is not sharp enough.
I tried to cut my veins in my arm and my leg, but it was not possible.
I feel bad for my children, to have a mom like me. I'm the only one they have left, and I am such a fuck up.
I try to "hide" behind a big smile and stupid jokes. Its just a facade, there's nothing true about me. I don't even know, who I am anymore. I have been hiding my true feelings for so long, that I cant even get in touch with them anymore.
Feelings about being at a mental hospital
I still lack to tell you my point of view of being here, how difficult it is to accept, that I need the help, that the hospital can provide. How does it actually feel to be hospitalized as a mentally sick patient(?)
The first day, I was at another place in the hospital. When they moved me, I didn't notice at first, that this is a closed department.
Look at this picture of my window! Geez, I can't even open it more than a couple of inches.
When my friend came to see me yesterday, I figured out, that I can't get out of here, without supervision! This is absolutely not what I agreed to...
Cutting
I cant escape. There's no way out of here.
Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it.
There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible).
But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here....
I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell.
Living hell on earth!
I have started cutting again. I know - not a good thing... It's a down spiral.
This picture is of my left arm. The scars is from yesterday, so you dont see the bleeding.
I enjoy the pain when I cut!
It makes me feel alive.
Seeing the blood streaming from my body confirms, that I am living - even though I feel dead.
The psy team is coming tomorrow - I hope they have something to offer!
Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it.
There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible).
But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here....
I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell.
Living hell on earth!
I have started cutting again. I know - not a good thing... It's a down spiral.This picture is of my left arm. The scars is from yesterday, so you dont see the bleeding.
I enjoy the pain when I cut!
It makes me feel alive.
Seeing the blood streaming from my body confirms, that I am living - even though I feel dead.
The psy team is coming tomorrow - I hope they have something to offer!
I Feel Trapped
I don't really care where I end up, when I die. Nothing can be worse than this.
I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore.
If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapped.
I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore.
If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapped.
I See No Future
Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day.
I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state.
I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers".
I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken...
I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state.
I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers".
I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken...
Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great
The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help.
But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done.
My current social worker - I had no confidence in her at all - until today!
My God, she was really able to spot the problems, that I fight the most.
I have paid thousands of euros on psychiatric and psychologist help - and in 90 minutes she was able to spot the main part of what is bothering me the most. My father!
She is not worried about the children, she is worried about me!
The short version is, that my father put a fist into my face, and after that he told me "I am no longer your father".
I'll make it short now, cause I'm very tired.
Since I was 6 years old, I watched my father beat up my mom. Theres a lot of ugly episodes of that...
The point is, that I of course need to work on that, and also get medication to get better. The psy district is going to help me with that, and in the mean time I control my medication with my mom and my own previous experiences.
But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done.
My current social worker - I had no confidence in her at all - until today!
My God, she was really able to spot the problems, that I fight the most.
I have paid thousands of euros on psychiatric and psychologist help - and in 90 minutes she was able to spot the main part of what is bothering me the most. My father!
She is not worried about the children, she is worried about me!
The short version is, that my father put a fist into my face, and after that he told me "I am no longer your father".
I'll make it short now, cause I'm very tired.
Since I was 6 years old, I watched my father beat up my mom. Theres a lot of ugly episodes of that...
The point is, that I of course need to work on that, and also get medication to get better. The psy district is going to help me with that, and in the mean time I control my medication with my mom and my own previous experiences.
Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment
I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me.
At the same time I got more relaxation medicine.
I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle...
Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the thought comes to mind... I have a full package of relaxation medicine, an full package of my own anti depressives, some anti depressives that my ex boyfriend left behind him, and the normal stuff, that every family always has on stock, like paracetamol etc. Will it be enough(?)
And at the second after I know, that I cant allow myself that thought.
I'm just so tired. Physically and mentally.
At the same time I got more relaxation medicine.
I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle...
Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the thought comes to mind... I have a full package of relaxation medicine, an full package of my own anti depressives, some anti depressives that my ex boyfriend left behind him, and the normal stuff, that every family always has on stock, like paracetamol etc. Will it be enough(?)
And at the second after I know, that I cant allow myself that thought.
I'm just so tired. Physically and mentally.
If you consider ....
I ask you one more thing, if you can handle it.
Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help others.
Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help others.
I'm Down, Big Time Down
I have been down before, but this time... I don't know...
I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another.
I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough.
There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on earth!
I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another.
I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough.
There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on earth!
Escape AKA Pushing The Pause Button
I have been mentioning the term "to escape" a lot of times, but I have never really described it.
When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions.
In general I have a lot of options to do that:
Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too)
Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often.
To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need to get that stopped.
To drink alcohol. I have done that also, mainly in the beginning of my mental breakdown. And that's a really bad idea, cause it also inflicts with medication etc., and it gives the worst "moral hangover".
I think everybody, who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks has tried a lot of different things to escape from it. Cause its really the worst experience, as I have tied to describe in an earlier post. I guess other people has tried and found other ways to escape. Some perhaps smokes hash, some do harder drugs - fortunately I personally don't have that desire.
The problem with escaping is, that the problems, that you try to escape from, will still be there afterwords. Escape is just like pushing the pause button to your life. It does not resolve the problems, its just a pause.
According to my Psychologist it is okay to "push the pause button" once in a while, and we should forgive ourselves for that, when we have done it. We are only humans, and anxiety can really be so hard to fight, that escaping from ourselves in one way or another seems to be the only alternative to suicide.
When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions.
In general I have a lot of options to do that:
Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too)
Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often.
To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need to get that stopped.
To drink alcohol. I have done that also, mainly in the beginning of my mental breakdown. And that's a really bad idea, cause it also inflicts with medication etc., and it gives the worst "moral hangover".
I think everybody, who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks has tried a lot of different things to escape from it. Cause its really the worst experience, as I have tied to describe in an earlier post. I guess other people has tried and found other ways to escape. Some perhaps smokes hash, some do harder drugs - fortunately I personally don't have that desire.
The problem with escaping is, that the problems, that you try to escape from, will still be there afterwords. Escape is just like pushing the pause button to your life. It does not resolve the problems, its just a pause.
According to my Psychologist it is okay to "push the pause button" once in a while, and we should forgive ourselves for that, when we have done it. We are only humans, and anxiety can really be so hard to fight, that escaping from ourselves in one way or another seems to be the only alternative to suicide.
I Feel I'm At The Finish Line
My healt is, as I previous told you, not in very good condition. After my mental breakdown, I lost a lot of weight, and even though I have gained some of it back, I seem to attract all the bad stuff out there.
Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!!
I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running, until my boy closed it.
I get the weirdest dreams, and wake up bathing in sweat totally confused. I don't know, if the dream was real or not. First something about my ex boyfriend still being here in the house, and when I woke up, I couldn't find him. The something about me traveling to his current location dressed up as a soldier, armed and "dangerous" to threaten him to give me my pictures and files... Geez.
I'm of course vomiting again, and I can't hold anything down. So I guess my weight is climbing down again!
I feel worthless. I should take care of my children, but I can't right now. Even the very thought of food makes my stomach twist and turn. Fortunately they are big enough to make themselves lunch etc., but the thought of me not doing it, makes me feel bad.
I'm so tired of fighting. I feel I have had enough of life.
Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!!
I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running, until my boy closed it.
I get the weirdest dreams, and wake up bathing in sweat totally confused. I don't know, if the dream was real or not. First something about my ex boyfriend still being here in the house, and when I woke up, I couldn't find him. The something about me traveling to his current location dressed up as a soldier, armed and "dangerous" to threaten him to give me my pictures and files... Geez.
I'm of course vomiting again, and I can't hold anything down. So I guess my weight is climbing down again!
I feel worthless. I should take care of my children, but I can't right now. Even the very thought of food makes my stomach twist and turn. Fortunately they are big enough to make themselves lunch etc., but the thought of me not doing it, makes me feel bad.
I'm so tired of fighting. I feel I have had enough of life.
Visit From Social Services
Wednesday I got a letter from Social Services, telling me nothing, but they wanted to come to a meeting at my house today.
I actually expected that it would come at some point, so I was not surprised, but anxiety immediately took over, when I saw, that there was a letter from Social Services.
I called my mom, and told her... "I have a letter here, I'm too scared to open it - I need you in the phone, when I do that." The letter explained nothing, just that they had a cause to visit me and my family, and that it would be today.
The lady from Socials had tried to reach me many times during the day on the phone, but my work phone was always busy - so she called my private cell phone. Geez - how much can you multitask(?)
She was however very nice, and she came because they knew, that I have had a nervous breakdown and been suicidal. Meanwhile the kids had been away from the home and attended other schools. So she simply was interested to hear, how we have landed on our feet after so many traumatic experiences.
However, to make a very long story short: the Social Services found, that we handle things fine our selves, and they are very satisfied with the outcome. She decided to close the case.
The point is, that stuff like this is able to bring me into complete fear. Anxiety takes over, even for just little stuff like this. I really hope, that I will be able to get my panic attacks under control at some point...
I actually expected that it would come at some point, so I was not surprised, but anxiety immediately took over, when I saw, that there was a letter from Social Services.
I called my mom, and told her... "I have a letter here, I'm too scared to open it - I need you in the phone, when I do that." The letter explained nothing, just that they had a cause to visit me and my family, and that it would be today.
The lady from Socials had tried to reach me many times during the day on the phone, but my work phone was always busy - so she called my private cell phone. Geez - how much can you multitask(?)
She was however very nice, and she came because they knew, that I have had a nervous breakdown and been suicidal. Meanwhile the kids had been away from the home and attended other schools. So she simply was interested to hear, how we have landed on our feet after so many traumatic experiences.
However, to make a very long story short: the Social Services found, that we handle things fine our selves, and they are very satisfied with the outcome. She decided to close the case.
The point is, that stuff like this is able to bring me into complete fear. Anxiety takes over, even for just little stuff like this. I really hope, that I will be able to get my panic attacks under control at some point...
Psychologist Visit 5 - Anxiety Has Control!
My Psychologist started the meeting with asking me, how its going with my weight and eating.
The very thought of food, cooking and eating makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with food at all.
My Psychologist wanted to focus on that. First of all because my weight is critical, but secondly also because - as I had told him - I loved to cook before. I was good at it, and I could spend hours in the kitchen and loved it.
Apparently there's other problems connected to "food", than just lack of appetite and a hidden wish to die.
To cut to the main case, he found, that my problem with food is not actually "with food."
It's simply because when we sit down at the dinner table in the evening, it is totally obvious, that there's a person missing. In my thoughts, we are not a family, because we lack the father figure of the family. This again makes my mind go to the thought, that the future, I had in my mind, is gone. And now I see no future.
That "thought circle" triggers my anxiety, and when anxiety takes control, the normal reaction is "to run." To try to escape from whatever scares you.
Escape can be done in many ways. Computer gaming (another world), drinking, medication, drugs....
However, as it is right now, my anxiety is controlling me. My condition is controlling me. We need to twist that around. I need to take control, and that's not going to be an easy task.
My "task" sort of speak, until the next Psychologist session, is to sit down at the dinner table and eat. In the beginning just even for a minute... Try to sense what is going on inside my body, and separate that, from what is going on in my mind. Feel the emotions and at the same time feel what my physical state is telling me!!!
If I can...
As My Psychologist said, it's not an easy task. It will be damn hard, and it will require me to stay put in a position, where my whole system is twisting and tells me "I should not be here."
So... Wish me luck
The very thought of food, cooking and eating makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with food at all.
My Psychologist wanted to focus on that. First of all because my weight is critical, but secondly also because - as I had told him - I loved to cook before. I was good at it, and I could spend hours in the kitchen and loved it.
Apparently there's other problems connected to "food", than just lack of appetite and a hidden wish to die.
To cut to the main case, he found, that my problem with food is not actually "with food."
It's simply because when we sit down at the dinner table in the evening, it is totally obvious, that there's a person missing. In my thoughts, we are not a family, because we lack the father figure of the family. This again makes my mind go to the thought, that the future, I had in my mind, is gone. And now I see no future.
That "thought circle" triggers my anxiety, and when anxiety takes control, the normal reaction is "to run." To try to escape from whatever scares you.
Escape can be done in many ways. Computer gaming (another world), drinking, medication, drugs....
However, as it is right now, my anxiety is controlling me. My condition is controlling me. We need to twist that around. I need to take control, and that's not going to be an easy task.
My "task" sort of speak, until the next Psychologist session, is to sit down at the dinner table and eat. In the beginning just even for a minute... Try to sense what is going on inside my body, and separate that, from what is going on in my mind. Feel the emotions and at the same time feel what my physical state is telling me!!!
If I can...
As My Psychologist said, it's not an easy task. It will be damn hard, and it will require me to stay put in a position, where my whole system is twisting and tells me "I should not be here."
So... Wish me luck
Personal note: Cutting My Self
I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now.
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now.
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.
I Have No Desire Or Motivation To Do Anything
I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. A little task like making tea can seem totally overwhelming. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower...
I literally have to force myself to do it.
I feel like being nothing for my children. I wish so bad that I could do more for them, do something with them, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything.
I feel like my doctor told me: "when so much has happened to you, its totally understandable, that you get the thought: if this is life, I have had enough. Goodbye and thank you!"
Fortunately my daughter is going for a sleep over tonight, so she does not have to see mommy sitting around looking empty out in the air. My boy is going out with some friends, so fortunately they are having some fun elsewhere.
I feel like a shit for not being able to do anything with them. Life seem like being only from one problem to the next. Happiness is non existing anywhere, and well - if I have one desire at all, it should be to "check out". But I can't do that to my children - so there's no way out anywhere.
I'm scared like shit, that I will not be able to fight this battle.
I literally have to force myself to do it.
I feel like being nothing for my children. I wish so bad that I could do more for them, do something with them, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything.
I feel like my doctor told me: "when so much has happened to you, its totally understandable, that you get the thought: if this is life, I have had enough. Goodbye and thank you!"
Fortunately my daughter is going for a sleep over tonight, so she does not have to see mommy sitting around looking empty out in the air. My boy is going out with some friends, so fortunately they are having some fun elsewhere.
I feel like a shit for not being able to do anything with them. Life seem like being only from one problem to the next. Happiness is non existing anywhere, and well - if I have one desire at all, it should be to "check out". But I can't do that to my children - so there's no way out anywhere.
I'm scared like shit, that I will not be able to fight this battle.
Second Visit to the Psychologist - Understanding
My emotions is totally closed, but my Psychologist feels, that I am fortunately starting to open up just a little bit, and that is what he needs - so that he can get "inside" and work with the feelings.
I am getting some "tools", as he call it, to use for different situations, which I'll describe later.
He told me, I have been through a lot, so of course there was a lot of shit running around in my head. He wondered though, what was the main thought(s), that was bothering me right now.
My main issue was and is surrounding the fact, that I was left, and left in that way.
And the fact, that another person, that I loved so much, could treat me so badly - that must mean, that I am a really bad person.
My Psychologist said, that I had a way of always looking inside for the answers- instead I should try to focus on looking outside for answers.
The fact, that my love me in that horrible way, was not my fault. That's was my boyfriends problem, and something he should live with for the rest of his life.
My Psy said, that the next time I was giving myself the fault of this breakup, and being treated this way, he suggested, that I should do some research on the following:
Psycopath
Narcissist
Empathy Disorder
- and see, if I could recognize some of the descriptions given, that was fitting on my boyfriend.
(the result I came up with during my research, was quite interesting and also very scary. I'll write more about that another day, in another thread)
The "tools" is for different situations - but to make it short, the tools is:
When I feel anxiety/depression starting to grab me, where I just want to crumble together and make myself as small as possible, and hide from the world - then I must do something active/hardcore, if I in ant possible way can do that... Its a little difficult to describe. But I should do something like:
To follow the tools, I do the following:
I am getting some "tools", as he call it, to use for different situations, which I'll describe later.
He told me, I have been through a lot, so of course there was a lot of shit running around in my head. He wondered though, what was the main thought(s), that was bothering me right now.
My main issue was and is surrounding the fact, that I was left, and left in that way.
And the fact, that another person, that I loved so much, could treat me so badly - that must mean, that I am a really bad person.
My Psychologist said, that I had a way of always looking inside for the answers- instead I should try to focus on looking outside for answers.
The fact, that my love me in that horrible way, was not my fault. That's was my boyfriends problem, and something he should live with for the rest of his life.
My Psy said, that the next time I was giving myself the fault of this breakup, and being treated this way, he suggested, that I should do some research on the following:
Psycopath
Narcissist
Empathy Disorder
- and see, if I could recognize some of the descriptions given, that was fitting on my boyfriend.
(the result I came up with during my research, was quite interesting and also very scary. I'll write more about that another day, in another thread)
The "tools" is for different situations - but to make it short, the tools is:
When I feel anxiety/depression starting to grab me, where I just want to crumble together and make myself as small as possible, and hide from the world - then I must do something active/hardcore, if I in ant possible way can do that... Its a little difficult to describe. But I should do something like:
- scream out as loud as I possible can (it gets emotions out of the body, that's also why you see people in crisis screaming)
- out react, especially with the upper part of the body (because its in the torso, my feelings are, the stomach pain, feeling lack of breathing) punch something!
- listen to loud music, active music - dance to it if possible - sing (scream) to it, to get the feelings out - if possible
To follow the tools, I do the following:
- I cant scream out loud, that will scare the children - they have seen enough (I do it on Thursdays, when my girl is at her dance classes) It's very rare, but I sing out loud to music sometimes - and it really helps. It's just very rare I can make up the desire to sing at all.
- To out react, I have found, that the best is to put my desk in the high position and make "push up" from that. My poor physical condition doesn't allow me to do real push ups. Geez, I was able to do real push ups with one arm - not right now!
- Powerful/happy music, for that I especially use the sound track from Transformers 1, also:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eouUdcgXBE&feature=related
fast forward to 1.14 minutes - that's when the powerful music starts, and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSpakuC5eq
Medication regulation and eating
After my first session with the Psychologist, the agreement was to get my medication checked with my personal doc.
I didn't really care, only if they would serve me a doc Kevakian treatment.
if I could just get out the "easy way", that would be great.
But I fight for the sake of my children.
I went to my personal doctor, accompanied by my friend and neighbor: Rie.
First priority was to get my medication regulated:
I now get the following medication:
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 75 mg, but working my way to 100 (I cant go to 100 mg in one day - I started on 50 mg and work up)
This drug is what people in general refer to as "happiness pills" but they don't work from one day to another.
The medication helps with the building of the signals in the brain, so that the messages between the brain cells is being send to the right places.
I have used this medication before, and I know it works. I have many years ago been on 400 mg a day - that is not good for me.
So we start with the base dose and work up - but I know the limit for me is 300 mg
2. Tolmin
(Mianserinhydrochlorid)
This is also an anti depressant drug, that helps the nr. 1 working.
The reason I started on it now - yesterday - is that for me, it has 2 side effects:
When I take it, I fall asleep 15-20 minutes after.
The second side effect is, that it makes me hungry!
I got it today, and I cant take it right now because of the first side effect, but my hope is, that when I start taking it, I will start eating again.
3. Apozepam
(Diazepam)
Well, that's the good stuff, that works in 15 minutes.
Its the stuff that keeps me from drinking/medicating myself.
On a normal day, where everything is fine, I don't need anything - but a hug from you. See your smile, you telling me how wonderful I am, having sex with you - that's my normal dose.
Well, I don't have that anymore.
I get apozepam regularly now, even though the doctor wont normally describe it.
Its a heavy drug.
I'm from 2 mg a day to 15 now. It is effective, but it is also addictive -that's why the docs don't give it normally.
4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
It is quite expensive however.
On daily basis, where I need to be able to drive, I cant take the apozepam. Then I take "Valerina forte"
When I needed to sleep, I take "drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"
With the apozepam and the tolmin, I think Ill quit the nature medicine.
The eating / vomiting:
Thats not easy. Its affected by ny wish not to live.
I got a prescription for some "drinks", that should be good for me.
Got it the same day - tastes like crap.
I didn't really care, only if they would serve me a doc Kevakian treatment.
if I could just get out the "easy way", that would be great.
But I fight for the sake of my children.
I went to my personal doctor, accompanied by my friend and neighbor: Rie.
First priority was to get my medication regulated:
I now get the following medication:
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 75 mg, but working my way to 100 (I cant go to 100 mg in one day - I started on 50 mg and work up)
This drug is what people in general refer to as "happiness pills" but they don't work from one day to another.
The medication helps with the building of the signals in the brain, so that the messages between the brain cells is being send to the right places.
I have used this medication before, and I know it works. I have many years ago been on 400 mg a day - that is not good for me.
So we start with the base dose and work up - but I know the limit for me is 300 mg
2. Tolmin
(Mianserinhydrochlorid)
This is also an anti depressant drug, that helps the nr. 1 working.
The reason I started on it now - yesterday - is that for me, it has 2 side effects:
When I take it, I fall asleep 15-20 minutes after.
The second side effect is, that it makes me hungry!
I got it today, and I cant take it right now because of the first side effect, but my hope is, that when I start taking it, I will start eating again.
3. Apozepam
(Diazepam)
Well, that's the good stuff, that works in 15 minutes.
Its the stuff that keeps me from drinking/medicating myself.
On a normal day, where everything is fine, I don't need anything - but a hug from you. See your smile, you telling me how wonderful I am, having sex with you - that's my normal dose.
Well, I don't have that anymore.
I get apozepam regularly now, even though the doctor wont normally describe it.
Its a heavy drug.
I'm from 2 mg a day to 15 now. It is effective, but it is also addictive -that's why the docs don't give it normally.
4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
It is quite expensive however.
On daily basis, where I need to be able to drive, I cant take the apozepam. Then I take "Valerina forte"
When I needed to sleep, I take "drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"
With the apozepam and the tolmin, I think Ill quit the nature medicine.
The eating / vomiting:
Thats not easy. Its affected by ny wish not to live.
I got a prescription for some "drinks", that should be good for me.
Got it the same day - tastes like crap.
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