Again too much time to think in the mental hospital

Photo by: jkirkhart35

My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend.
Why(?)
Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-)

The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection.
When we "met" online, our biggest strength was the conversations we shared. He was feeling bad about himself, me ditto. In the beginning it was never meant to be a real life commitment, but the connection between us grew stronger with each conversation we had.

We haven't been corresponding at all for a long time. He thinks it's the best way. He closes all connection, and protects himself that way.
I have chosen not to contact him anymore, I let him fly...

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My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself....
But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you".
Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone.
It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good.

I miss the time, when he was telling me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was - not only beautiful as "pretty" - but beautiful as a person. He noticed, and made it worth to me, that I have an amazing empathy for other living beings. Not just people, but a little duck in the pond, a little dog on the road... And of course especially people in general.
But I guess, that he noticed that so especially, because he lacks empathy himself. My ex boyfriend (as my Psychologist told me) must have an empathy disorder, caused by being a psychopath or a narcissist. Otherwise he would not be capable to do to me, what he did.

Despite of everything he has done to me, I still miss him. Especially as a friend. Before we met in real life, we had the most wonderful talks ever. I miss talking to him most of all.
And after we met in real life and moved in together, I miss laying my head on his shoulders in the evening, feeling the heat from his body and falling asleep knowing, that he would take care of me.
Fact is: He actually never did take care of me... When I was sick, he never made me a soup or a cup of tea. But just the feeling that he was there, made me feel good.

I guess what I miss, is the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Someone I can rely on, a best friend, someone to hold me tight and give me a big hug. Someone to come home to. Someone to fall asleep with.

I realize, that what my ex boyfriend was doing was all a lie. I should have realized that, when he (before we met) told me, that "the truth is relative." I'm just too stupid, I  always want to believe in the best of a person.

I still miss him though - ignorant and stupid I must be - but I miss my ex boyfriend. Or... I miss what he represented to me: a husband to come home to, someone to feel close to, a best friend.

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Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today.
He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials called me to reschedule, I told her, that I didn't accept that. I couldn't go on vacation and be speculating about that meeting. I didn't want that - so she had to take overtime to go to us a bit later. And the outcome was perfect. She closed the case.
My Psychologist was very "proud" of me for doing that, it showed some fighting, and that is what I am doing. All the time. I just don't feel that what I do is good enough.

My Psychologist told me, that I still have to accept, that I am sick. I am on an emotional rollercoaster - I will have bad days and less bad days ;-)
My ex boyfriend took our life and future, and in one second crumbled it like a piece of paper and threw it into a waste basket. It is only natural, that I broke down because of that, but despite of all my ex did to me, I have went from a total mental breakdown to actually be functioning on daily basis. He was impressed, that despite of the fact, that I had been hit by a neutron bomb (that was his exact words) I was still standing.

We talked a bit about that BTW. If my ex boyfriend was a psychopath, narcissist, or suffering from some kind of empathy disorder. As I told my Psychologist: the description of all of those sicknesses, in general that can fit into anybody. My Psychologist responded with the fact, that yes of course it can, if you break the sickness into little pieces. What is important is "amount of damage done, frequency and afterward behavior".
So... Unfortunately psychopath is probably what I have been "hit by".

He also reminded me of the fact, that I climbed from a total mental breakdown, to now actually be a person, who is managing to take care of all the basics.

But here is the trap for me apparently. I don't want to do "just basic" stuff, like making sure, that the kids gets a good meal, they have clean clothes, and they do their homework - and of course manage my job. I also want to get stuff done around the house.
My Psychologist once again had to remind me, that I demand way to much from myself. I have to accept, that I am sick, and that I will get better more quickly, if I take the time to relax that I need to.

So once again... I'll do just the necessary stuff, and (try) not to worry about the rest of it.

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him.
After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either.

On the top of the piano, there's a sculpture made by my boy (I have to admit, that I don't really know what it is *smile*) - and a candlestick, also made by my boy, which is very beautiful. Both things was gifts for my boyfriend, but he didn't take those things with him.

So I guess now I see even more clearly, what was actually important to him. Or... Put in another way: I see what was NOT important to him.

The computer he cleaned out totally - look for yourself. I had this picture anyway, cause I am now in touch with my attorney to get my files back.
THATS what was important to him.
Computer hardware, that you can buy in any store!
Unique items, that children, that find you special enough to make a gift for you - that means nothing to him.
How cold and hardened can you be, when you find a gift from a child non important(?) 

I don't care about the hardware he took. I care about the files on that hardware. As I wrote before, it concerns not just files, the most important is pictures. Pictures from the last 10 years. And he still has not send it to me.

I realize, that we (the children and me) were not special to him. We meant nothing. We were just "tools".

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Valentines Day Without a Love

So it was valentines day yesterday. Everywhere you go you see the advertisements, send flowers, cards, chocolates to your love...  Prepare a wonderful dinner for your love, invite your love out for at wonderful dinner...
Thank you, and when you don't have a loved one to share this with, it really feels like the advertisements is just trying to blast it in your face.

All day I had to fight my self not to send a mail to my ex boyfriend. I kept telling myself, that what I miss, it didn't even exist. To me the love between us was wonderful and I saw us having a beautiful future together. I was left in the most horrible way, and he ignored me totally, until he could use something from me.
Whether he really is a psychopath, a narcissist, or simply has an empathy disorder - it doesn't really matter. I need to focus on the tools from my Psychologist,"remember what he did to you."
And do I really want a boyfriend like that? Absolutely not.
But still, I miss the dream of the future, that we had. I had something to look forward to. However that was not true to him, and I need to remember that.

So now I guess, that what I miss, is that special one. The one who gives me true love. The one who respects me for what I am, with all the errors and mistakes that comes with being human. The one I can tell anything, without being scared of his reaction. The one who is my best friend, that I can share everything with - good days, as well as bad days.
Even though I am not ready to find a new love - I'm still licking my wounds - but I really hope he is out there somewhere...

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Keeping focus: I Had a Mental Breakdown

I try to keep focus on the fact, that I'm sick, as my Psychologist told me. I try to keep my ambition level to a minimum, wash clothes, do shopping, make dinner. Keep the family going, and not have any other ambitions than that.
Other than that, it still hunts me, that I could be treated like that, from a man that I loved SO much. And still get treated like a shit - nothing - it's like I never excisted!
I continued  my research, and I found this:

You probably feel like you have been through an emotional meat-grinder, like your soul is just raw and bleeding hamburger. (This is not said in humor since one victim described how she felt exactly that way!)
You met someone who was charming, talented and eloquent who most likely made you feel like a million bucks. And then, suddenly, at some point (usually beginning at the first moment you disagreed with him or her), you were made to feel like week-old garbage.
Hoping to restore the purity of that paradise you thought you were living in, you try everything you can think of to make it work, including closing your eyes and mind to the often vicious behavior of that person who is no longer the person you knew.  You just want the original person back; you believe that he or she is there, buried inside, behind some wall of hurt that only you can heal.  You may even see this original person from time to time, when you’ve had just enough to push you away for good – for just long enough to get you to stay and try again.
Little by little, you have to admit to yourself that what you are experiencing cannot be explained away by someone who is acting out of hurt; that what you are experiencing is just pure evil.
Charming, seductive and eloquent they are, and they use all those abilities when lying, manipulating and betraying. Psychopaths and narcissists can slash a path of human misery through lives of dozens, or hundreds, and even thousands, of people.
They bring pain and suffering to nearly everyone they touch.
( http://friedgreentomatoes.org/ )

 Well, that helps the understanding - I hope to find the "healing" somewhere in all this research.

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Personal Note - Have We Lost Our Pictures (?)

I'm scared that the children and me has lost our pictures and movie clips of the children and our family from the last decade of our life.
My ex boyfriend took all the hard drives in December, and even though he promised to send the files to me, we have not received anything.
I send him a mail the 27. January, and asked for answers for several things - and that I would like an answer within a week. Of course I didn't get an answer.

I tried to talk with his brother about it through Skype, but I feel him hostile to me, so I can only guess, what my ex is telling his family about me!
In that regard, I just have to remember, what the Psychologist told me: "don't worry about what he tells his family. If they are a little smart, they remember how you were, and they can just take a look at his actions and how he has treated you lately."
So... I try not to worry too much about that.

As I wrote... Today the week is up, and this time I have send him a mail concerning nothing else, but my wish to get the files, especially the pictures and movie clips of the children.

I remember some of our latest "conversations". I guess its a month ago now, that we last had a real conversation. My ex was constantly accusing me for "playing games" with him.
I don't see any "games" anywhere...
Or maybe that is exactly what it is - to him, I mean! A game!
Yet another way to make us "suffer."
The thoughts from the results of my research comes back: A Psychopath has no consciousness, and therefore deep down he does not care at all, that other people feels bad.

I hate, that I had to contact him again, I would really like this to be over with. I just don't want to have lost all the pictures and movie clips of the children. The thought is really scaring me, and I think my ex knows that, and has some kind of "joy" out of not sending us our files.
So I start to think: "have we lost our pictures(?)"

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Psychologist Visit 4 - Remember What He Did to You

My thoughts is still primary focused on how a person I loved so much, could treat me like this - and since he could do that, I must be a horrible person.

My Psychologist started to break down the whole episode into little pieces, and talked with me about those events:
My boyfriend knew, that I had already been through a lot this year, and even so, he apparently couldn't accept, that those events of course had a huge effect on me and the children.


The Sunday, my boyfriend left, the last conversation we had together, was about me wishing, that he would get back to language classes, perhaps part time - and the study at the engineering school, taking some classes with people, that had the same interests as him. After that he chose to leave. I was trying to do something good for him, but maybe he saw it as a demand. We will never know, my work for now is to focus on the fact, that I was trying to do something positive - and my boyfriend chose to leave.

So no matter that my boyfriend knew, that I was in a very fragile state, he chose to leave his pregnant woman and the children, without any kind of warning or decent talk about it at all.
My boyfriend knew, that we could not handle the dog, but still let it up to us to deal with it.
He also knew, that I was still suffering from the miscarriage, and even so he send me mails and demanded, that I got an abortion.
And he let me deal with the abortion alone.
After that he comes back with the car, packs some stuff and takes all the computer equipment with him, including all the pictures and movies of the children, their dead father... All the pictures we have - and he doesn't even send us the files.
Now he got what he wanted - and after that he ignores me totally!

The tool, I should use, is to think about those facts - when I miss my boyfriend.
And when I think, that I am a horrible person, I should remember what he did to me...

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Third Visit to the Psy - remember your condition!

My third visit to the Psychologist started with me being totally stressed out - even before the meeting.
A little something like car trouble made me stress out so badly, that I was shaking all over. I got there in time, but I was shaking all over my body.

It took some time to get me to relaxed, and I didn't feel the connection with the Psychologist in the beginning at the session, as I used to. I guess all my "defenses" got in position and closed me down for some time.

My Psychologist however, was able to work me through that (of course). So I guess after 15 minutes of the 1 hour session, he was able to get me into the place, where we could "work."

I told him about the research, that I had been doing. That I found a lot of similarities between my ex boyfriend and the description of a psycopath. He didn't seem surprised at all. We talked a lot about the fact, that I should look "out" for answers - I should not consider myself the reason of the problem.
And again he underlined, that "I am not a bad person."

Then we talked about the fact, that I feel lazy. I can't find the energy to do anything. Even little tasks as emptying the dishwasher or doing the laundry, feels overwhelming.

My Psy told me to remember my condition. When I feel, that I am lazy, its not because I'm lazy. I'm sick. He asked me to remember, that I see him every week, I get several kinds of medication, which is followed by my personal doctor and the district psychiatry.
What would I do, if I had a broken leg(?) Or the influenza(?) Rhetorical question! I would lay down and relax. And that is what he wants me to do now.
Relax. Remember my condition, and accept, that I am sick.
Its remarkable, that I under the circumstances is able to do my job and take care of the children. He was impressed, that I was able to do that. But he warned me not to push it.
Slow down, don't demand anything of yourself. And accept all the help from others, that I can get!
Remember your condition: you are sick!

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Research: Psycopath, Narcissist, Empathy Disorder

At the second session, my Psychologist told me, that I look inside for a solution to whatever happened.

I give myself the fault of everything that has happened to me, and that's first of not healthy - secondly he told me - and under stressed that - It is not my fault that another person is treating me badly.

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