I want to see my friend, but do not want to leave

It seemed like a great idea a week ago, but now I'd prefer it differently.

We are going to visit an old school friend or mine. He is a true friend and an absolutely wonderful person.

But now I don't want to go. I'll end up going any way, and as usual I'm sure, I'm going to have a great time.

Then WHY do I torture myself like this each and every f* time we're going out(?)

I hate that. I should be looking forward to see my friend, I haven't seen him in years.

There's no obligations or work to do, since we are invited to his house.
I know I'll have a great time and good laughs.

And I run around now, trying to figure out a way to avoid it, a really good excuse, so I can avoid to shower and get dressed and m spend my evening in my safe spot.

This is SO way out, I simply can't wrap my brain around theese ambivalent feelings nor understand them.