My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself....
But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you".
Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone.
It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good.

I miss the time, when he was telling me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was - not only beautiful as "pretty" - but beautiful as a person. He noticed, and made it worth to me, that I have an amazing empathy for other living beings. Not just people, but a little duck in the pond, a little dog on the road... And of course especially people in general.
But I guess, that he noticed that so especially, because he lacks empathy himself. My ex boyfriend (as my Psychologist told me) must have an empathy disorder, caused by being a psychopath or a narcissist. Otherwise he would not be capable to do to me, what he did.

Despite of everything he has done to me, I still miss him. Especially as a friend. Before we met in real life, we had the most wonderful talks ever. I miss talking to him most of all.
And after we met in real life and moved in together, I miss laying my head on his shoulders in the evening, feeling the heat from his body and falling asleep knowing, that he would take care of me.
Fact is: He actually never did take care of me... When I was sick, he never made me a soup or a cup of tea. But just the feeling that he was there, made me feel good.

I guess what I miss, is the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Someone I can rely on, a best friend, someone to hold me tight and give me a big hug. Someone to come home to. Someone to fall asleep with.

I realize, that what my ex boyfriend was doing was all a lie. I should have realized that, when he (before we met) told me, that "the truth is relative." I'm just too stupid, I  always want to believe in the best of a person.

I still miss him though - ignorant and stupid I must be - but I miss my ex boyfriend. Or... I miss what he represented to me: a husband to come home to, someone to feel close to, a best friend.

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Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today.
He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials called me to reschedule, I told her, that I didn't accept that. I couldn't go on vacation and be speculating about that meeting. I didn't want that - so she had to take overtime to go to us a bit later. And the outcome was perfect. She closed the case.
My Psychologist was very "proud" of me for doing that, it showed some fighting, and that is what I am doing. All the time. I just don't feel that what I do is good enough.

My Psychologist told me, that I still have to accept, that I am sick. I am on an emotional rollercoaster - I will have bad days and less bad days ;-)
My ex boyfriend took our life and future, and in one second crumbled it like a piece of paper and threw it into a waste basket. It is only natural, that I broke down because of that, but despite of all my ex did to me, I have went from a total mental breakdown to actually be functioning on daily basis. He was impressed, that despite of the fact, that I had been hit by a neutron bomb (that was his exact words) I was still standing.

We talked a bit about that BTW. If my ex boyfriend was a psychopath, narcissist, or suffering from some kind of empathy disorder. As I told my Psychologist: the description of all of those sicknesses, in general that can fit into anybody. My Psychologist responded with the fact, that yes of course it can, if you break the sickness into little pieces. What is important is "amount of damage done, frequency and afterward behavior".
So... Unfortunately psychopath is probably what I have been "hit by".

He also reminded me of the fact, that I climbed from a total mental breakdown, to now actually be a person, who is managing to take care of all the basics.

But here is the trap for me apparently. I don't want to do "just basic" stuff, like making sure, that the kids gets a good meal, they have clean clothes, and they do their homework - and of course manage my job. I also want to get stuff done around the house.
My Psychologist once again had to remind me, that I demand way to much from myself. I have to accept, that I am sick, and that I will get better more quickly, if I take the time to relax that I need to.

So once again... I'll do just the necessary stuff, and (try) not to worry about the rest of it.

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him.
After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either.

On the top of the piano, there's a sculpture made by my boy (I have to admit, that I don't really know what it is *smile*) - and a candlestick, also made by my boy, which is very beautiful. Both things was gifts for my boyfriend, but he didn't take those things with him.

So I guess now I see even more clearly, what was actually important to him. Or... Put in another way: I see what was NOT important to him.

The computer he cleaned out totally - look for yourself. I had this picture anyway, cause I am now in touch with my attorney to get my files back.
THATS what was important to him.
Computer hardware, that you can buy in any store!
Unique items, that children, that find you special enough to make a gift for you - that means nothing to him.
How cold and hardened can you be, when you find a gift from a child non important(?) 

I don't care about the hardware he took. I care about the files on that hardware. As I wrote before, it concerns not just files, the most important is pictures. Pictures from the last 10 years. And he still has not send it to me.

I realize, that we (the children and me) were not special to him. We meant nothing. We were just "tools".

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Valentines Day Without a Love

So it was valentines day yesterday. Everywhere you go you see the advertisements, send flowers, cards, chocolates to your love...  Prepare a wonderful dinner for your love, invite your love out for at wonderful dinner...
Thank you, and when you don't have a loved one to share this with, it really feels like the advertisements is just trying to blast it in your face.

All day I had to fight my self not to send a mail to my ex boyfriend. I kept telling myself, that what I miss, it didn't even exist. To me the love between us was wonderful and I saw us having a beautiful future together. I was left in the most horrible way, and he ignored me totally, until he could use something from me.
Whether he really is a psychopath, a narcissist, or simply has an empathy disorder - it doesn't really matter. I need to focus on the tools from my Psychologist,"remember what he did to you."
And do I really want a boyfriend like that? Absolutely not.
But still, I miss the dream of the future, that we had. I had something to look forward to. However that was not true to him, and I need to remember that.

So now I guess, that what I miss, is that special one. The one who gives me true love. The one who respects me for what I am, with all the errors and mistakes that comes with being human. The one I can tell anything, without being scared of his reaction. The one who is my best friend, that I can share everything with - good days, as well as bad days.
Even though I am not ready to find a new love - I'm still licking my wounds - but I really hope he is out there somewhere...

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Research: Psycopath, Narcissist, Empathy Disorder

At the second session, my Psychologist told me, that I look inside for a solution to whatever happened.

I give myself the fault of everything that has happened to me, and that's first of not healthy - secondly he told me - and under stressed that - It is not my fault that another person is treating me badly.

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