Well!!!
This topic (amongst others) is messing around in my thoughts.
This topic (amongst others) is messing around in my thoughts.
I'm living on the boulevard of broken dreams, where everyone else is living out their dreams, which is also mine.
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
I am worth nothing to other people
I hate not to know, where I'm going. What am I supposed to do, while I await other people's decision about my future(?)
What I hate even more, is how people treat me because of my disease - even despite my disease.
I'm apparently supposed to be their deck and call, if they are hungry, we need to eat now!
I never sleep in late, because they do, and someone needs to take care of the dogs.
Last week there were 4 days off, I didn't get to sleep in late even once!
I have to say the consideration for my needs washed away a long time ago.
Sometimes I in fact have to remind people, that I really don't feel okay, and I get awfully hurt, when spoken to like they do here.
I don't know if the lack of co consideration is lack of understanding. After all I don't look sick...
The doc want me to get disability, but the politicians and job consultants can 'cure' everybody. It's horrifying, what goes on in the country right now.
I feel helpless, like a little child who has not a vote in the matter, just awaiting the decisions of the adults.
I'm being talked to like they please to do, with no thoughts for me as a person. I get yelled at, just because I was there - not because anything is my fault.
It's like I don't have a position in the world, I'm not only nothing. I'm the dirt anyone is allowed to step on.
Guess what?
Think again - they haven't been to hell and back. I have, and I have been chewed up down there, and even then I managed to find a way back to life.
Think again - they haven't been to hell and back. I have, and I have been chewed up down there, and even then I managed to find a way back to life.
And I'm not only on the way to fight, I am fighting now. And I don't put up with bullsshit.
Hurt me now - and I promise you I will return the pain with interest.
I don't know... I should get on the train and leave a situation like this and never return. But somehow I find it very educational and interesting to see, how everything evolves. So don't feel sorry for me, I'll leave if I can't handle it.
But for the first time in my life, I have the front seat to watch, how mentally I'll people gets treated by friends, family, health care system etc. And for some reason I don't get up and leave, its actually kind of interesting to notice what goes on.
So I'm having kind of an adventure first hand here, which hurts quite a deal, but is too educational to give up.
So I'm having kind of an adventure first hand here, which hurts quite a deal, but is too educational to give up.
I'll let you know, when I explode in anger - I bet you'll all hear it!
I beg to get out of this depressive state
I feel so lost. I can't seem to find myself.
The strong part of me, that actually defines me more than many other of my personal resources, is lost.
The Job Consultant took away my hope
I've been at a meeting today(friday), where I thought I might be cleared to work.
OMG they are incredible. They don't understand anything.
Now I'm noted as having dementia, what the fuck is going on?
Merry Christmas with mixed feelings
I know, there's a Christmas break in my writing, but as everybody else, I have been very busy, a bit stressed and confused.I sleep and miss out on activities
I feel like time and thereby my life is passing by, while I'm sleeping or especially trying to sleep.I contrast to the feeling of being left out and unappreciated, I also hate that my sleep is so unstable, that I can't make a real plan for next day. Everything depends on how I slept that night, if I got any sleep at all!
Bad Sad Day
I would think that I should be used to get my ass kicked by my sickness, but sometimes...
I was at job recruitment today for a meeting, and to make a long story short, I probably have to face, that I'll never be able to hold a full time job.
I had senced that, I also have stated to make other plans as well - but that was more long time scaled plans. I need at least 10 years or more before I can even get my mind around the thought.
I had senced that, I also have stated to make other plans as well - but that was more long time scaled plans. I need at least 10 years or more before I can even get my mind around the thought.
But I was sitting there with my fiance, listening to what the Lady was telling me. To hear the words come out of her mouth, scared me big time. Even though I had the thought myself, it was just an idea for me. Not a direct plan.
However she could also offer sleeping classes. Sounds stupid? A bit maybe...
Update 2018: fysical health
Afterwards I see the symptoms... I was getting more and more tired, but couldn't sleep. Sometime I went to work after no sleep in 4 days.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.
It's been several years since my last post...
- and there has been several up and down periods in my life.
I found a wonderful boyfrind - so I thought. To make a very long story short, he ended up using all money on my savings account, beating me up so I broke 3 ribs, followed by terrorizing me by phone and SMS. This sweet sweet man, with whom I thought I should spend the rest of my life with... Once again all my dreams were shattered into peaces, and followed by everyone in the neighborhood turning their backs on be because of his lies - that was more than my heart could take.
Unfortunately I have been committed to the Mental Hospital several times during this period, and I haven't even felt the desire to write. I felt so ashamed and worthless - so why should anyone want to read my words(?)
Visit to the heart specialist at the Hospital
I spend approximately an hour at the heart specialist at the hospital. Since then I have been carrying a mobile blood pressure measuring machine, and I feel pretty ridicules walking around with the buzzing and humming from the machine in my pocket, and the "breathing" from the thing around my arm.
It measures my blood pressure and pulse each 15 minutes, and if something seems wrong, it measures an extra time. I'm supposed to carry the equipment for 24 hours, and I have absolutely no idea of how I am supposed to fall asleep.
I haven't told the children or my mom about this, I don't want them to worry - but I miss someone to talk with. My friend and I went outside for a cigarette and talked a bit while sitting next to each other on the stairs...
It measures my blood pressure and pulse each 15 minutes, and if something seems wrong, it measures an extra time. I'm supposed to carry the equipment for 24 hours, and I have absolutely no idea of how I am supposed to fall asleep.
I haven't told the children or my mom about this, I don't want them to worry - but I miss someone to talk with. My friend and I went outside for a cigarette and talked a bit while sitting next to each other on the stairs...
I didnt know my heart could break into more pieces
I got some news this afternoon, that totally shook the ground underneath me. When the hospital staff saw me, they immediately game me relaxation medicine.
I am SO disappointed in everyone around me.
Apparently I have been degraded to a brick in the game, that everyone around me feels the right to move around accordingly to their own wishes.
Yawn - highlights of this day at the mental hospital
The best thing that happened today, was I talked with my little girl on the phone. I miss my children SO much, but its hard to talk on the phone, cause I of course can't tell her about the stuff that goes on here, that would just scare her. So I listen to her stories, but I can't really contribute with something nice other than talking part of her daily day, asking a couple of questions here and there, to keep the conversation going.
After this, I'll "warn" you, cause I'm in a very sarcastic mood today, so be prepared for some black "humor." Well, at least I write in this way - otherwise everything would so darn tragic, and I can't go there.
As I was hanging up my laundry on the radiator under the windows, a police car came strolling into the parking spot. Dear Jesus, now we will even get a criminal in here. It's going to be more and more *fun* for each day. (I hope and do believe, that you can "hear" the sarcasm in my "voice.")
I'm so frustrated still to be in the mental hospital
It's very frustrating to be committed to the mental hospital, I don't really feel any better, no progress at all.
The nurses and my mom tries to talk me out of my worries, more or less successful.
How do they know, that this medication will work(?) The last apparently didn't, so why did they choose this new medication for me - why not another one(?)...
Shouldn't there be some kind of test or something, that would at least give an idea of what kind of mental disease a patient has - and what kind of treatment that would be best (?)
Like a Rorschach inkblot test, a questionnaire, or something...
Again too much time to think in the mental hospital
My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend.
Why(?)
Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-)
The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection.
When we "met" online, our biggest strength was the conversations we shared. He was feeling bad about himself, me ditto. In the beginning it was never meant to be a real life commitment, but the connection between us grew stronger with each conversation we had.
We haven't been corresponding at all for a long time. He thinks it's the best way. He closes all connection, and protects himself that way.
I have chosen not to contact him anymore, I let him fly...
At the mental hospital theres too much time to think
It's so easy to see the all the mistakes after wards, all the signs, that I have overlooked - or perhaps even have chosen to overlook. And that goes both for my ex husband, and my ex boyfriend.
I was so scared to live alone, that I lived with an alcoholic for 17 years, where the last 10 years was hell for me - but I couldn't figure out how to leave him. The very thought of being alone was too frightening.
"Daily life" at the mental hospital
Right now I'm SO down, cause I wont see my little girl today - my mom's car has broken down! One of the worst things about being here is the sorrow of not being able to hug and kiss my children. Fortunately my big boy was here after school today (he studies in this town), so at least I have seen one familiar face today. I am able to manage to keep up a big smile while they are here, and also when they leave - but after the doors close behind them, I allow myself to let the tears come.
Panick attacks comes like lightening from clear sky
Yesterday I was actually having a "medium" day, and I finally had something to look forward to, so I didn't expect this coming at all.
I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep.
I want to know WHY this is happening. Why I get such panic attacks and loose total control of myself and my own wishes... Cause I don't wish to cut myself, I don't want to drink - its just a form of escape. What is bothering me so much for the moment, that I loose total control(?)
I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep.
I want to know WHY this is happening. Why I get such panic attacks and loose total control of myself and my own wishes... Cause I don't wish to cut myself, I don't want to drink - its just a form of escape. What is bothering me so much for the moment, that I loose total control(?)
My sons birthday with my parents
Saturday we had my parents coming to coffee, buns and cake.
I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much.
But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff.
In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where I of course fell asleep exhausted on the sofa.
Even though it was just my parents, "entertaining" guests is not very nice for me right now. It takes a lot of energy to be social.
I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much.
But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff.
In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where I of course fell asleep exhausted on the sofa.
Even though it was just my parents, "entertaining" guests is not very nice for me right now. It takes a lot of energy to be social.
Second and final danceshow
We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room.
I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction.
But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile.
My parents came around noon, I was preparing dinner for this evening. I hate the thought of food, but this was vegetables that I was preparing, and I can handle that.
My mom and step dad were both so amazed of what I had done in the bathroom, but well... They dont know the right end to hold a screwdriver them selves, so...
Well, we went to the dance show, and there was naturally many people, which I have difficulties to handle. But I managed, we saw my little girls show, and shortly after buying the group picture, we went home.On the way out of there I saw a potential boyfriend smiling at me, and I smiled back to him. However, I don't know who he is, or did not talk to him at all. I'm scared. I'll probably end up as an old woman with lots of cats ;-)
So now I am in my "safe spot", the sofa, in the room with the fireplace, with all curtains closed. It seems I have survived yet another day in the world.
I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction.
But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile.
My parents came around noon, I was preparing dinner for this evening. I hate the thought of food, but this was vegetables that I was preparing, and I can handle that.
My mom and step dad were both so amazed of what I had done in the bathroom, but well... They dont know the right end to hold a screwdriver them selves, so...
Well, we went to the dance show, and there was naturally many people, which I have difficulties to handle. But I managed, we saw my little girls show, and shortly after buying the group picture, we went home.On the way out of there I saw a potential boyfriend smiling at me, and I smiled back to him. However, I don't know who he is, or did not talk to him at all. I'm scared. I'll probably end up as an old woman with lots of cats ;-)
So now I am in my "safe spot", the sofa, in the room with the fireplace, with all curtains closed. It seems I have survived yet another day in the world.
First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team
I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day.
To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options.
Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough" through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time.
After that, they got presented with the medication, that I take now.
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 200 mg.
2. Tolmin (Mianserinhydrochlorid)
10 mg
3. Apozepam (Diazepam)
25 mg
4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
"Valerina forte"
"Drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"
The Psychiatrist team advised me not to take the nature medicine. There's apparently a suspicion, that it effects the other chemicals.
For now, I should keep on the dose of prescribed medication, until the entire Psychiatrist Team has discussed, if I should change medication and/or dose.
At the end of the meeting, they presented me with a list, a Patient guide in psychoeducation.
Until I get better, I should stop seeing my Psychologist, cause I wont be able to do serious work with him, while I'm still as down as I am.
The Psychiatrist Team is coming again next Tuesday, so lets see what happens then.
To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options.
Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough" through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time.
After that, they got presented with the medication, that I take now.
1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 200 mg.
2. Tolmin (Mianserinhydrochlorid)
10 mg
3. Apozepam (Diazepam)
25 mg
4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
"Valerina forte"
"Drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"
The Psychiatrist team advised me not to take the nature medicine. There's apparently a suspicion, that it effects the other chemicals.
For now, I should keep on the dose of prescribed medication, until the entire Psychiatrist Team has discussed, if I should change medication and/or dose.
At the end of the meeting, they presented me with a list, a Patient guide in psychoeducation.
calm downI started to cry, when I saw the list. All of the symptoms above (besides drugs) is something, that I fight with. It was both scary - and a relief - to see a list like that. This means, that I'm not "abnormal" in my reaction to a total mental breakdown. And these are the things, they are going to help me with.
relief
reduce stress and pressure
sleep
structure the day
personal hygiene
food / drink
small activities
fresh air
exercise
rest
medicine
no alcohol
no drugs
Until I get better, I should stop seeing my Psychologist, cause I wont be able to do serious work with him, while I'm still as down as I am.
The Psychiatrist Team is coming again next Tuesday, so lets see what happens then.
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