I'm on a break from the world - dissociation

I discovered, I have a habit of escaping into a fantasy world, when the real world seems to hard to handle.

I am not totally disassociated, I'm well aware that the world I escape into is not real. But dissociation gives me the break from the true world, that I need.

And as always, I find a "magic world" or similar, to escape into. Anything but the real world will do!

I'm eating and sleeping a lot, and I have been for some days now, so I'm waiting a bit for the excitement to do something, will break in.

I feel, that I do not contribute enough, and the others had noticed, how hard I worked to get the house in order, they encouraged me to take a break. But I also start to feel their impatience (or maybe it's my own guild.)

I just know one thing for sure... If I'm not careful, if I force myself, I'm going to end up a lot worse.

So I'm still on a break with something as thrilling as "the magicians" and "Harry Potter."
Take care out there :-)

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Go to sleep 3 - Go Flying with Peter Pan

I'm sure "the wise men" would put this method into a box and label it dissociation, meditation or another -ion. 

In this case; does it really matter(?)

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I am in robot mode

I think it's a sort of dissociation, the bad kind. It's not like I suddenly have multiple identities, but I'm cleaning house like my life depended on it.

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Dissociating / Diversion

I've thought about the difference between dissociation and diversion. It may seem a bit alike, but in fact it's two totally different subjects. I've made some notes from a lot of reading, cause I think it's important to know the difference.

Dissociation
- when the mind and body "splits into two"...
To be able to move focus from what's hurting, whether it's a psychological of physical pain. Some people can handle extreme pain by dissociation. 

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Update 2018: fysical health

Afterwards I see the symptoms... I was getting more and more tired, but couldn't sleep. Sometime I went to work after no sleep in 4 days.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.

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Again too much time to think in the mental hospital

Photo by: jkirkhart35

My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend.
Why(?)
Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-)

The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection.
When we "met" online, our biggest strength was the conversations we shared. He was feeling bad about himself, me ditto. In the beginning it was never meant to be a real life commitment, but the connection between us grew stronger with each conversation we had.

We haven't been corresponding at all for a long time. He thinks it's the best way. He closes all connection, and protects himself that way.
I have chosen not to contact him anymore, I let him fly...

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Depression Makes My Energy Level Low

After my mental breakdown, I was able to do a lot of stuff. I practically buried myself in work, both at my job and the building on the house. I guess it was also some kind of escape, or caused by the dissociation.
Now depression is making every task almost impossible to get through, and anxiety and panic attacks takes a lot of the little energy that I have.
I feel the need to sleep a lot, and even though I try to do so, I feel tired all the time.

Even so, I managed to do some work around the house during the weekend. Since the sun was shining, and it helps to get out of the house into the sunshine, we also went into the garden, and did a little stuff there.

One of my Psy Tools is to look at the positive, that I have done - and not to look at all the stuff, that I don't get done. I'm still working on accepting that I'm sick, and since I have a tendency to demand way to much from myself, I'm not really successful in looking at the positive. I always feel, that I could and should have done more.... Right now I just have to try to accept, that I am sick, and that my mental condition requires me to get more rest and sleep.

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Psychologist Visit 7: I Need More Help

First of all, my visit to my Psychologist started out very bad. Even though I was in good time, 20 minutes before the meeting, I couldn't find a parking spot.

I drove around the city, where they are rebuilding parking spots and roads all over - my GPS was at no help at all of course, since it does not know the twists and turns during building of new roads.

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Depression And Sorrow

After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog...

Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90...

I feel the depression running through me, and I know it will be a big part of the "healing." After all, the total numbness I felt during my mental breakdown is a dissociation, a defense. Now I feel the feelings, and I have to go through them, otherwise I wont get to the other side of this.

But its not easy! Sometimes it seems feeling numb was better. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, a part of me has died. It's so beautiful put in this movie clip from the movie Twilight:

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

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Second Visit to the Psychologist - Understanding

My emotions is totally closed, but my Psychologist feels, that I am fortunately starting to open up just a little bit, and that is what he needs - so that he can get "inside" and work with the feelings.
I am getting some "tools", as he call it, to use for different situations, which I'll describe later.

He told me, I have been through a lot, so of course there was a lot of shit running around in my head. He wondered though, what was the main thought(s), that was bothering me right now.
My main issue was and is surrounding the fact, that I was left, and left in that way.
And the fact, that another person, that I loved so much, could treat me so badly - that must mean, that I am a really bad person.

My Psychologist said, that I had a way of always looking inside for the answers- instead I should try to focus on looking outside for answers.

The fact, that my love me in that horrible way, was not my fault. That's was my boyfriends problem, and something he should live with for the rest of his life.

My Psy said, that the next time I was giving myself the fault of this breakup, and being treated this way, he suggested, that I should do some research on the following:
Psycopath
Narcissist
Empathy Disorder 
- and see, if I could recognize some of the descriptions given, that was fitting on my boyfriend.

(the result I came up with during my research, was quite interesting and also very scary. I'll write more about that another day, in another thread)



The "tools" is for different situations - but to make it short, the tools is:
When I feel anxiety/depression starting to grab me, where I just want to crumble together and make myself as small as possible, and hide from the world - then I must do something active/hardcore, if I in ant possible way can do that... Its a little difficult to describe. But I should do something like:

1. scream out as loud as I possible can (it gets emotions out of the body, that's also why you see people in crisis screaming)
2. out react, especially with the upper part of the body (because its in the torso, my feelings are, the stomach pain, feeling lack of breathing) punch something!
   
3. listen to loud music, active music - dance to it if possible - sing (scream) to it, to get the feelings out - if possible

It is very rare, that people in general is able to tell exactly, what triggered the "anxiety attack" - but if I feel that it is possible at all, I should note down, what triggered it.

To follow the tools, I do the following:

1. I cant scream out loud, that will scare the children - they have seen enough (I do it on Thursdays, when my girl is at her dance classes) It's very rare, but I sing out loud to music sometimes - and it really helps. It's just very rare I can make up the desire to sing at all.
   
2. To out react, I have found, that the best is to put my desk in the high position and make "push up" from that. My poor physical condition doesn't allow me to do real push ups. Geez, I was able to do real push ups with one arm - not right now!
3. Powerful/happy music, for that I especially use the sound track from Transformers 1, also:
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eouUdcgXBE&feature=related
   fast forward to 1.14 minutes - that's when the powerful music starts, and
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSpakuC5eq 

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First Visit to the Psychologist - I'm Too Closed

My Psychologist...
I liked him right away, there was definitely no bad chemistry there.
This first appointment was naturally a summarize - an overview of  what had happened.
The Miscarriage, the loss of the baby, and shortly about the bad stuff surrounding that. The massive blood loss, the overwhelming amount of the mass, that came out of me.
The death of the father of my children, the feeling of being the only parent left.
And the final "stroke", what brought me into the crisis phase: my boyfriend leaving me like that!

Then the problems, that came because my boyfriend left me, and leaving it up to me to deal with all his stuff, living up to his demands for papers, abortion, solving the problem with the dog, that only my boyfriend could control etc.
The abortion, that had to get done, because my boyfriend left me.
The lack of me understanding, why he left me, and me feeling like the worst person on the planet - when the person you love the most is treating you like shit: you must really be a bad person!


I told him, as it is - straight out from the bag of total confusion:
I have no wish to live. If it was not for my children, I would have committed suicide. During the first week of my total brak down, I tried several times - but the cutting in it self - gave me some sort of feeling back....
My children has already lost their daddy this year, and yet another "daddy", my boyfriend their "step-dad".
I have no appetite. I hate the thought of food. It's not like I am suffering from anorexia, I just feel disgusted by the thought of eating anything.
I like when I get the feeling of throwing up. I like to feel the pain, when my body contracts into throwing up - but nothing comes out. Its not like I want to throw up - I just like the pain that comes with it! How insane is that - to enjoy to feel that pain!

My Psychologist told me several things:
The reason, I like the feeling of physical pain, is because that's the only moment, where I feel myself for real.
Right now I am still in the crisis phase. My body and mind has sort of seperated, something called Dissociation.
Dissociation is a crucial survival mechanism that protects you during a crisis and afterwards. It helps you stay on task so you can protect yourself. If you are able to function without fully experiencing the emotional impact of an event, you can accomplish tasks until it is safer to deal with your emotions. (from http://therapist4me.com/Dissociation.htm)

I was simply "closed down" emotionally, to protect myself from more harm.
My Psychologist needed to "find a door into my soul", to be able to work with me. Right now he could not do that, cause I was protecting myself by Dissociation.
So the agreement was, that he would contact my private doctor, to work with her in regards to my medication.

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