I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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Trapped with people who dislike me or?

I din't know what to do. I had no idea of how to change this situation.

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Drowning

Every time I see someone writing about bad stuff happening to them, I see a lot of
- "I'll pray for you"
- "God will help you out"

You know what? We are NOT alone on this planet, God is not supposed to handle each and every thing for us.

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Who can you really count on?

I often get emails from you guys out there, who feels totally alone and abandoned.

How do you move on, when you feel neglected, overlooked or even ignored?

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The purpose of life

I've been having a very bad period, where I've struggled to find a place for me in this world.

According to political decisions, I'm supposed to live with this salary for the rest of my life.
If that's the case, what do I see in the future(?)

My absolute favourite thing in the world is to travel. Not with any extravagance,  no water how. That's totally out of range.

I'm sleeping on a couch in a house share, struggling to make ends meet every month.
Living for 160 Euro a month, before dentist, clothes, hairdresser, gifts, medication, food and transportation.
Lovely - no thank you.
That kind of future is to me so dark, I can't see light anymore.

I've actually went so far in my thoughts, that I decided to build up a storage of the pills, that I know I need, to end this shit. Then I would be prepared for the next step, when I wanted to leave.

To make a long story short, my blog manager CC came for a visit. She sensed something was wrong and made me talk to the Farmer.
And the Farmer - well let's just say, you can't escape. I dunno what she contains, I don't know what she's build of, that woman. But you can't fool her, and she is a badass when it comes to kicking verbally ass, so let's just say, I was burned.
It is after all her method I'm using, so I better use it right.

She's actually been through situation almost similar to mine, it's weird we found each other.
The difference is, she is standing, and standing tall - I'm still trying to get my ass up from the floor. I guess it's a question of willpower, and she acts like - infact she is a true - Viking.

Clarise told me to notice, that there is a huge difference. Cause the Farmer is appreciated by the other people in the house and lives with her fiance. I live with other people too and has to feel appreciated, where I am.

I'm actually thinking about going away for a month to my mother. I'll get a break from the others, and I can help her simultaneously. It's ofcourse not a permanent solution, but that's an option for the moment. I'll consider that, cause I'm fed up with the looks from the others... Why didn't she cook/clean/do laundy/clean up... Well I don't, clean up after yourself. Help me clean the house, I'm not the only one who lives here.

But I feel so stressed out, that the fact apparently is, they only see me as a maid.

CC also mentioned, there's a lot of offers to buy the rights to the blog, there's options to make interviews, to advertise for doctors and medication etc etc, that would help me a bit. But she already knew my answer.
No, no, and no. 

I do NOT recommend any medications, I do NOT recommend any doctors, and I am for sure not letting anyone ghost write my blog, and pretend they are me. I'd rather starve to death.

If CC wants to make an informative post, she'll put her name on it. That's it.

But well, I am considering, what they told me, to go visit my mom and get some distance, and I'll see, what I figure out.

I feel strangled here, but right now I'm too tired to make any decisions.

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I am in the place the eye not see

I haven't felt like writing, cause I feel, I have nothing to give anymore.

Apparently people think its allowed to talk to me in any way that pleases them.

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Now You See Me - not

I've done exactly what I do "normally", when I've kissed the floor - sort of speak. I put up all my defenses, all psychological shields.

I've also gone hiding from input, protecting myself from the world. I have no outside contact to other than the closest people: my children, my mom and of course my fiance.

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I am drowning in financial uncertainty

You can't buy happiness. 

Absolutely true.

And I remember, that I was not more happy like that, when I had my work - but there was certainly some problems, that didn't drive me crazy back then, as they do now.

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True friends are the best shrinks

Friends, I think we all know theese guys and girls from the TV-show, no matter how old we are.

Besides that I like the show cause it has the perfect stupidity for my taste, I love the unconditional love that's displayed amongst the 6 people in the show.

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I want to see my friend, but do not want to leave

It seemed like a great idea a week ago, but now I'd prefer it differently.

We are going to visit an old school friend or mine. He is a true friend and an absolutely wonderful person.

But now I don't want to go. I'll end up going any way, and as usual I'm sure, I'm going to have a great time.

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Chat rooms

I have been asked about chatrooms, and I've also been recommended to make one for this site.

It's always great to get ideas from you all. I know that the wish to stay anonymous is important to many, so there's a lot if the current 18000+ readers I don't hear from.

It would also be too overwhelming.

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Why I chose to be Anonymous

Give a man a mask, and he'll tell you the truth - the quote goes something like that. 

And now I found it... :-)

It's not that I, under normal circumstances, feel that I'm a really bad person (but when I'm depressed), I'm not ashamed of being sick or ashamed to have the feelings I have.

But if I knew my children would find this by searching my name, or people who will take advantage of that knowledge could find it, I would always weigh my words and be careful not to make it sound too bad and paint a more pretty picture.

But it would all be a lie. And then there would be no reason to write for me or anybody else...

I write for myself, my writing turned out to help others, but that was not the main goal. 

The main goal was to make a sort of diary with a totally truthful description of what I'm going thru, no matter how scary, frightening, dark, ugly and lethal it sometimes is.

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You are fucking insane - she said

There's stuff I simply can't forgive.
On top of that list goes persons, who is using my sickness in an argument, just because they can't beat me in the  discussion.
It's definitely the lowest blow of all.
From family it's even worse. 

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