And so this is christmas

According to American movies, advertisements and my own expectations, this should be such a happy time.

But doctors appointments and meetings with social services takes a lot of the spare time. My boyfriend works long hours a day, to be able to take a day off, when I need to go the hospital etc.

I'm used to be the wife in total control, now I feel I have none. I have no car to go do shopping and make all those kind of preparations, I'm used to do.

Stocking up food ind the freezer etc.

The corona rules are changing all the time, so I check the rules each day. People in general are tired of the situation, I totally get it.

For me, the mask though, goes very well with my hiding-out outfit.

I look forward to see my children very much, my parents however, I haven't seen at Christmas for a decade. So you know, you can't help like feeling a bit of the black sheep there either.

I would love the Christmas, with couples romantic holding hands in the snow, while they're christmas shopping with huge smiles and perfect, spotles clothes.

We see that all the time in advertisements, but have you ever seen any in real life?

Well I'll take a big breath and make it thru.

My best christmas wishes to all of you and your families.

Photos:

Main; Any Lane

Quotes etc from Netizen Quotes 

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Sheltered by the darkness

I discovered something... I start to feel more safe and secure during the dark hours of the day.
That's odd to me.

Let's take a small child. A child who has no scars on their soul, doesn't know harm nor danger, the child has never experienced anything bad. Never the less the child is afraid of the dark. The human instinct takes over: "we can see anything, it MIGHT be dangerous."
I assume we're born this way(?) I don't know, but for experiments reason, lets just go with that assumption for a minute.

If its "normal" to be afraid of the dark, why do I feel more safe during the dark hours, than throughout the day?
I've thought about that from time to time during the week, and I've come up with a couple of situations, that might be the reason:
- there's no disturbing phone calls, where you have to check for salesmen before you answer
- there's no unexpected visits, or people who scared the crap out of me for using our land as a parking spot
- no appointments I have to go to
- no phone calls pending. I have to make all the appointments for us, and the animals, since I have plenty of time to stay on hold!
- theres not nearly as much noise, than during the daytime
- bf is asleep, and doesn't interrupt my thoughts each minute
- the animals are asleep and don't need a door "man" all the time

If I take each of the above, break it apart and put it back together, nighttime it's the only time of day, where I have a decent chance of peace.
Nobody asks me anything, noone wants me to do something,  noone interrupts. It's just calm and quiet.

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I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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Less stress - take a break!

It's not a surprise to you guys I guess, if you are amongst the stady readers: my depression has me caught again.

I have tried to fight it, but I forgot a couple of things.
I'll explain more in a few, but this shows - once again - how important it is, that we do not force ourselves or forget to take care of ourselves and the disease on daily basis.

I have had some days, where I simply was eating and sleeping and fighting anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn't make myself do anything. So once again I had to bite the dust, and I stayed in bed for days.
I could easily have been there for a month, if Farmer had not interfered. But I was also determined to figure out, what made me stumble and fall.

Once again it's stress - caused by the move and the mood of others. Well, the last thing is definately better than ever, it must be the move then.

Do I really get knocked off so easily now(?) People move all the time, and they do it while working full time jobs. Hell, I have done that several times before!!!

But yes, it is the move, the disorder and mess everywhere, not being able to find anything - it frustrates me.

That's kind of a good thing to know. Then I can work on a solution to this problem.

It seemed to start after a day of selling a lot of stuff, that we don't want to take with us, when we move. There was a lot of preparations to take care of, and a lot of strangers to talk with.
I dunno... At some point I could just feel every fiber in my body screaming "get the hell away from her." But I forced myself to stay, after all, I don't leave the work to others.

Here it's my body telling me, that I need a break, but I don't listen. Also I could have thought about it and realised, that I might need a break once in a while, just to ease my mind. I didn't, but I for sure will remember to take that under consideration during daily basis.

Now I've set my watch to chime each hour to remind me to take a break. No cell phone action, no TV, nothing - just  time to sit with a cup of tea for 5-10 minutes and ease my mind.

I'll try it out for while to see, if regular (forced) breaks is a way to lower the panic attacks and depressive thoughts.

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Facial massage is healing

I have a lot of excessive water retained in my body. This is an effect of everything we stuff in our body, medications, food and drinks - and also my stomach/protein problems.

The excessive water often accumulates  in the legs, and in the morning you'll notice, your face is puffy, especially around the eyes.

Your head feels like it's about to explode, so draining it like a waterfall would be wonderful. But it takes a little bit more than that. 

Normally this doesn't really effect your health, other times it can help to drain the lymphs in the face, to take off pressure.

I feel it relaxes me, the heavy forehead, the need to sleep and headaches loosens up.

There's a lot of videos on YouTube of lymphatic drainage. Try some of them if you like, and see what techniques helps you personally.
I think my friend CC made my list public, probably with some information videos added.
You can find it here.
I have combined some of them to my liking, and all it takes is 3-5 minutes.
That's faster and much healthier than an aspirin.
Also it releases stress and it feels good to spend just a few minutes on healing yourself.
The sound is normt always the best, but try the technique, it often helps with my own tensions.

You should try it out for yourself :-)
Actually please try it out and tell me, which video is your favourite (or what exercises that helps you the most)
Enjoy;-)

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About distraction and relaxation methods

I experience, that I use the TV as a tool to relax so much, I infact never really watch anything.

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The purpose of life

I've been having a very bad period, where I've struggled to find a place for me in this world.

According to political decisions, I'm supposed to live with this salary for the rest of my life.
If that's the case, what do I see in the future(?)

My absolute favourite thing in the world is to travel. Not with any extravagance,  no water how. That's totally out of range.

I'm sleeping on a couch in a house share, struggling to make ends meet every month.
Living for 160 Euro a month, before dentist, clothes, hairdresser, gifts, medication, food and transportation.
Lovely - no thank you.
That kind of future is to me so dark, I can't see light anymore.

I've actually went so far in my thoughts, that I decided to build up a storage of the pills, that I know I need, to end this shit. Then I would be prepared for the next step, when I wanted to leave.

To make a long story short, my blog manager CC came for a visit. She sensed something was wrong and made me talk to the Farmer.
And the Farmer - well let's just say, you can't escape. I dunno what she contains, I don't know what she's build of, that woman. But you can't fool her, and she is a badass when it comes to kicking verbally ass, so let's just say, I was burned.
It is after all her method I'm using, so I better use it right.

She's actually been through situation almost similar to mine, it's weird we found each other.
The difference is, she is standing, and standing tall - I'm still trying to get my ass up from the floor. I guess it's a question of willpower, and she acts like - infact she is a true - Viking.

Clarise told me to notice, that there is a huge difference. Cause the Farmer is appreciated by the other people in the house and lives with her fiance. I live with other people too and has to feel appreciated, where I am.

I'm actually thinking about going away for a month to my mother. I'll get a break from the others, and I can help her simultaneously. It's ofcourse not a permanent solution, but that's an option for the moment. I'll consider that, cause I'm fed up with the looks from the others... Why didn't she cook/clean/do laundy/clean up... Well I don't, clean up after yourself. Help me clean the house, I'm not the only one who lives here.

But I feel so stressed out, that the fact apparently is, they only see me as a maid.

CC also mentioned, there's a lot of offers to buy the rights to the blog, there's options to make interviews, to advertise for doctors and medication etc etc, that would help me a bit. But she already knew my answer.
No, no, and no. 

I do NOT recommend any medications, I do NOT recommend any doctors, and I am for sure not letting anyone ghost write my blog, and pretend they are me. I'd rather starve to death.

If CC wants to make an informative post, she'll put her name on it. That's it.

But well, I am considering, what they told me, to go visit my mom and get some distance, and I'll see, what I figure out.

I feel strangled here, but right now I'm too tired to make any decisions.

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Health food to fight anxiety and depression

Today it was my weekly trip to the local vegetable pusher.

I start to have a good variety of fruits and juices stuffed in the freezer.

There's so many different fruits out there, the colors a wonderful, smell is fantastic and it's good for us. 

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Social life is drowning in gadgets

What's wrong with this picture? 

Everyy where you go, it's always the same.

No wonder we all have changed into emotional shut-in's. When we stand right next to each other, we prefer the company of the newest technology.  

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The sound of... Hospital

Could you all please SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'm sitting in a waiting room, listening to the shuffling of shoes against the floor, sometimes steps from hard heals walking, disappearing. 

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Merry Christmas with mixed feelings

I know, there's a Christmas break in my writing, but as everybody else, I have been very busy, a bit stressed and confused.

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Living with short time memory loss

With all the remedies we have in our household, it's easy to remember all tasks. Just put an alarm on the phone, and you're done. 

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Headaches

A couple of months ago I started to get these terrible headaches.

It's worst in the forehead, sometimes it also right in front of the ears and even in my teeth.

I know nothing is wrong with my teeth, but it hurts anyway.

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect.

But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music.
I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting.
There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while. But here's a couple to get started.
I would be more than happy, if you'll share your favorites with me, then I'll add them to the list, if I think its beneficial for all.
Happy listening!

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I'm so scared, what if I panic, what do I do?

When we try to live with our anxiety, we will, no matter what, come face to face with our fear and the risk of having panic attacks.

Do you wanna run, or do you wanna fight?

I personally have to decide this for each and everything I do, because no day is like yesterday. What I did yesterday, I might not be able to do today. It depends on so many factors, but the important is to feel thoroughly, what you think is a realistic goal to set for the day:

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Update 2018: fysical health

Afterwards I see the symptoms... I was getting more and more tired, but couldn't sleep. Sometime I went to work after no sleep in 4 days.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.

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Update 2018: Mental health, PTSD

Let's talk about the new diagnose - I have 2, mental and now fysical.

MENTAL:
Well, to try something "new",  I got yet a new diagnose.
PTSD.
My first reaction was "I'm not a soldier and have never experienced war."

But this doctor simply put THE diagnose that fits in 10 minutes.
Back from the hospital I read about it a lot, it fits perfect.
"Under severe stress for several years".

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