I wish someone would listen

I wish I was invincible instead of being ignored all the time.

I thought a lot about this post, the first post in a very long time.

I don't want you to leave this site empty handed, which I've got the feeling you have done for a long time.

I haven't had a lot of news to share, Covid19, isolation etc didn't have a huge impact on me in the beginning. I'm used to be alone, I'm so used to have nobody to talk to, and especially used to noone listening to me for real.

Back in my working days, I felt needed, trusted and even missed at times. I could even have people waiting to see my car roll up in front of the building, and have people look at me with relief, cause now I was there, and they felt sure, I would take care of any problems, that came our way.

I miss that feeling.

Now I'm just home everyday, my words seem to have no meaning, no impact on anyone and people don't even pay an interest in whatever I say.

It's very frustrating to be ignored in that way. People even interrupt me without the slightest excuse, and I start to wonder, how long time will it take for anyone to notice, if I'm gone.

I know it's a bad place to be in my mind, but thought keeps popping out up in my head. And that's slowly breaking me down.

Sometimes when I try to start a conversation, they not only interrupt me with a totally different subject - it feels like I'm not even in the room. I'm invisible!

I've started to think about getting some work. I'm allowed to work a few hours. I don't think it would matter much, what i actually do, as long I get some colleagues to talk with a few times during the week. Just to get some input from someone else, than the dog. At the same time I worry, that I won't succeed. What if it turn out, that I can't even handle a few hours of work during a week, what a huge failure I would end up to be.

It would be nice to be heard, it would be nice not to feel ignored and invisible. It would be nice, if my opinion mattered to anyone. 

I seem not even to be allowed an opinion, I mean nothing to anybody anymore. Perhaps that why such a long time since I have been writing. Who wants to write, if your words means nothing?

That's hard to fight at the moment, I hope to figure out what to do with these emotions.

Until then, take care out there.