Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better.
It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children.

My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however as I also said, so am I - so its totally understandable.
The psychiatrist however told me, that another fact is, that it is very hard to see a person so horrible down all the time. And it is impossible for a person, who has never tried deep depression and anxiety to know, how much it affects the mind as well as the body.
The tiredness is almost overwhelming, and unfortunately I don't have a husband or boyfriend to support me though all this. There's no one to take the practical daily burdens on my shoulder, and I have not the steady support, that you normally would have in a husband.

We also talked about the birthday of my boy, how it went (and especially didn't go as planned). However the psychiatrist told me, that I should look at it as a little success: we made it through the bowling - and even though it brought memories back from when we were 4 playing, I went through that.
Doing the birthday cake, the day after, was also one of the little successes. It was a recipe, I had developed for my boyfriend. And making it again after he left me, that was hard. But I did it!

So all in all: I should look at the little successes, the good moments, and not at the failures. Fighting a mental disease is hard!

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Second visit from the Psychiatrist Team

Today we talked about the most important for me right now. At the end of the first meeting, I got a patient guide in psychoeducation, listing all the things that's normally very difficult for a person, who has just had a total mental breakdown.
There's three things in focus for me right now on that list, and that's:

• food
• fresh air
• sleep/relaxation

All the other things is of course also important, but it's those 3 I have to focus on. Well, some of the points of the list is naturally connected in one way or another - like reducing stress and pressure vs. rest/sleep/relaxation...
Medication is also on the list, which I of course also have to remember to take regularly.

They have discussed my medication at the Psychiatrist Team Center, and they didn't want to change it right now. They want to see the full effect of me going up to 200 mg Sertraline, since it can take several weeks to work.

During the meetings, I get very tired. I'm so fortunate to have my friend and neighbor by my side, so I have someone to discuss the meetings with, and also to remember the different things for me. My memory is really to the "Alzheimer" side - if I don't write things down, I simply forget them.

So until next time, I have to accept, that my brain is working hard on getting better, and therefore my resources for other stuff is down. I have to learn to accept, that I need a lot of sleep and rest, and that my neighbor and my big boy is able to help me in the house.

I should try to look at it, as for one day, I have 10 portions of energy. The Psychiatrist Team is (as my Psychologist) impressed, that I am still able to do my full time job. But as I also try to explain to them, it's one thing I am good at. A thing that interests me, and where I feel needed and have success with what I am doing.
But back to my ten portions of energy:
Going to work full time I should see as taking 7 portions of my energy. Taking care of the kids minimum 2 portions of energy, and making dinner 1 portion of my energy.
If I force myself to do more, I take that energy from my body, that it needs to get better. That's why I don't see the full effect of the treatment - I simply demand too much from myself on daily basis.And that way my body and brain has no left over resources to fight my mental condition.

It's hard to accept that I'm sick. It's hard not to force myself to do stuff. But I have to give it my best shot at getting better, so I do, as the doctor "prescribes." Try to relax and let my body and mind get the time it needs to heal...

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I have been so tired lately and had no desire to write

I have my period, fortunately normally this time. But I get so tired, when I have it, I sleep almost all the time - so I feel bad for the children, since I don't have the energy to do something active with them.
Each time I get my period, it reminds me about the miscarriage. Reminds me, that I now should have been a mom again, and all the thoughts about the future, that I was dreaming of, was shattered by the man, that I loved so much.

I have a visit from the Psychiatrist Team today, and I hope they have some news about my medication. It takes a lot of energy to live with anxiety and depression. I'm tired of being scared of almost everything, I'm tired of feeling like the worst person on earth. I wish I could move forward more quickly, but I also know that a mental sickness is not easy to fight. And the energy to fight is hard to find.
But lets see, what the Psychiatrist Team has to say today...

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First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team

I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day.
To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options.

Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough"  through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time.
After that, they got presented with the medication, that I take now.

1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 200 mg.

2. Tolmin (Mianserinhydrochlorid)
10 mg

3. Apozepam (Diazepam)
25 mg

4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
"Valerina forte"
 "Drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"


The Psychiatrist team advised me not to take the nature medicine. There's apparently a suspicion, that it effects the other chemicals.

For now, I should keep on the dose of prescribed medication, until the entire Psychiatrist Team has discussed, if I should change medication and/or dose.


At the end of the meeting, they presented me with a list, a Patient guide in psychoeducation.

calm down
relief
reduce stress and pressure
sleep
structure the day
personal hygiene
food / drink
small activities
fresh air
exercise
rest
medicine
no alcohol
no drugs

I started to cry, when I saw the list. All of the symptoms above (besides drugs) is something, that I fight with. It was both scary - and a relief - to see a list like that. This means, that I'm not "abnormal" in my reaction to a total mental breakdown. And these are the things, they are going to help me with.
Until I get better, I should stop seeing my Psychologist, cause I wont be able to do serious work with him, while I'm still as down as I am.

The Psychiatrist Team is coming again next Tuesday, so lets see what happens then.

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Cutting

I cant escape. There's no way out of here.
Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it.
There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible). 
But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here....

I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell.
Living hell on earth!

I have started cutting again. I know - not a good thing... It's a down spiral.
This picture is of my left arm. The scars is from yesterday, so you dont see the bleeding.
I enjoy the pain when I cut!
It makes me feel alive.
Seeing the blood streaming from my body confirms, that I am living - even though I feel dead.

The psy team is coming tomorrow - I hope they have something to offer!

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I See No Future

Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day.
I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state.
I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers".
I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken...

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Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great

The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help.
But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done.

My current social worker - I had no confidence in her at all - until today!
My God, she was really able to spot the problems, that I fight the most.
I have paid thousands of euros on psychiatric and psychologist help - and in 90 minutes she was able to spot the main part of what is bothering me the most. My father!
She is not worried about the children, she is worried about me! 

The short version is, that my father put a fist into my face, and after that he told me "I am no longer your father".

I'll make it short now, cause I'm very tired.
Since I was 6 years old, I watched my father beat up my mom. Theres a lot of ugly episodes of that...

The point is, that I of course need to work on that, and also get medication to get better. The psy district is going to help me with that, and in the mean time I control my medication with my mom and my own previous experiences.

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Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment

I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me.
At the same time I got more relaxation medicine.

I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle...
Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the thought comes to mind... I have a full package of relaxation medicine, an full package of my own anti depressives, some anti depressives that my ex boyfriend left behind him, and the normal stuff, that every family always has on stock, like paracetamol etc. Will it be enough(?)
And at the second after I know, that I cant allow myself that thought.

I'm just so tired. Physically and mentally.

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