Happy New Year or what?

It's always with both sentimentality feelings and hope (and a pinch of fear) I celebrate  New Year.

When we're sick, we all know, what we hope for. 

But after so many years, I'm scared to hope for better times. I've been disappointed each time, so why hope?

Hope keeps us alive. That's why.

But hope can\t do all the work itself.

So instead of hoping to get better, decide to do your best to get better.
Replace hope with resolutions.

I've tried to write down, not only the resolutions, but also my reason for those choices. You'll soon understand why.

My New Year resolutions for 2019 goes something like

1. Learn to sleep. If possible enter a sleep program, if no solution has come up before 1st March. Otherwise it'll ruin my life.

2. Move no matter what. I don't want to wait anymore. It has been all talk up until now, I don't want to be taken as a fool, and let anyone else try to keep me from going with a bunch of empty promises.

3. When moved: get or create a job if at all possible. I really hope to be able to support the children with their education and buy little gifts here and there, like normal families, where both parents is still alive, does. They never get just a little thing. I can't, because I need to have everything to even buy them birthday and Christmas gifts. So they don't ever get a little something, that shows "mommy was thinking about you." It makes me feel sad, depressed, worthless, useless and as a failure as a parent and a human.

4. Don't expect anything for birthdays, prepare to do something alone or with my bf. then I avis disappointment.

5. Keep up not getting sad/angry, when people say bad stuff about me - they haven't been to Hell and back. They have no idea of, what I have seen, they do not deserve my attention a bit. 

6. Evaluate my daily schedule each month and make changes until perfect fit.

7. Celebrate Christmas outside the county to avoid stress and especially bad vibrations and thoughts of worthlessness (if no job is possible, check if selling my old car is enough to travel. The children already agreed, that if I at all can afford it, the trip will be the present, so I have around 2x20 Euro there.)

8. Remove whole Family site online for trip suggestions and planning. Nobody's interested anyway, remove it and avoid disappointment and the feeling of being left out. Make a new site for the children if necessary, but after all we talk on skype almost every day, so...

9. Always post my thoughts as is in the blog. Don't plan away with "sleep", when my thoughts desire is to tell something totally different. Then I don't get scared to disappoint anyone, cause I haven't promised anything. After all it's better than to have 28 finished posts, but don't publish anything cause "I promised something else." After all it\s my thoughts, it\s not a school class room where you have to read something before tomorrow. 

When I read the above, I try to analyse my writing.
What is bothering me- what kind of feelings(?)

I feel useless/worthless
I need a job to feel the best as a mother, it's important for me to show the children that I think about them, and to support their education.

I feel unappreciated;
I have been very disappointed the last year's. And to avoid that feeling, I try to plan myself out of it.
I don't think it can be compared as to run away from the problems. It's more an acknowledgement of the fact, that you can't make people like you. 

Apparently some people are still so old fashioned that mental disease is frightening. And it is. It is terribly frightening, but not frightening for ignorant family members - but for the person who suffers from it.*

You can try yourself and you might find, that what you thought was most important perhaps is something totally different.

I hope the best for all of you out there, cause I'm sure you are not reading this for the fun of it. So may the New Year bring you all a in better situations, give you better personal experiences and lift your spirit. May you find the peace inside and learn how to get thru difficult situations. And never ever forget that for every problem, there's a solution. You may not see it yet, but trust me, you will find it.

Now... I have a rocket, with the name of my ex, who beat me half to death, on it. At 0.00 I'll fire it off and send it far away along with my fear. Do you have any fears to tell goodbye, then I hope it'll pick up yours on the way and set us free.

With lots of love and caring thoughts to all of you.

*if you, as a family member, reads this and thinks "God, they really are insane - all of them".
Do the following: Study and learn the facts.
If you're not yet convinced of the terror of this disease, then I dare you - with her permission - to confront "The Farmer" in an online direct to public discussion. This sickness is infact SO frightening, that some people chose death as a better option. Think about that!