Nothing left to say

On top of being alone and isolated all the time, not just because of Corona, but because I had to sell my car. Being isolated is quite nomal for me.

And on top of being ignored, shouted at, frozen out, left alone, told to move out, finding porn and sexual pleasurement for males in the bedroom, my Saturday went as follows...

Today we had one fight in the afternoon, caused by his lies.

In the evening, I thought we should be watching a movie together. Instead he was paying more attention to his phone.

Late in the evening, he complained, his cloud was full, and asked me to empty it.

And full it was, but not much by pictures of any of us. Nope, the reason for the big storage use on his cloud was porn.

I left my spot at the computer immediately, told him to remove it, and went out of the room.

I downloaded half a year, then I found porn again. 3 hours of that dirt in a row. 

I just got up without a word and left the room. Sat down on the staircase looking out on the snow in the garden. It felt like I could hear every heart beat in my body brushing in my ears, and I was shaking all over. My God, how can he do this to me?

I came back 15 minutes later and sat down in front of the TV.

He told me, he had removed all the stuff, also pictures out of focus.

I simply couldn't handle any more reminders of the obvious fact, that I'm not good enough, and told him so.

There must have been 20-24 hours of porn in his cloud.

Later on he told me he was sorry.

Give me a break, this is not the first time. Removing history from his account right after I found it the first time, is so obviously an act to hide, what he is doing. Why hide it, if you are not doing something worth hiding. Now I know why he goes to work early!

He simply insults my intelligence, otherwise he is the most stupid or naive man on the planet to think any woman would fall for that one!

Well, I'm sorry, he doesn't find me attractive and told him that. After everything he has said and done, I simply cannot see anyway back to what we have lost. 

I can't for my life find any more words to say!

I don't trust him, I dispise his tase for girls, geez, they are at my daughters age.

I recent his need to send lovely heart-greetings and hugging bears to every girl on his friends list, but me. I could go on, but it weighs heavily on my shoulder.

I sat down an listened to a lot of music, I was shaking all over. Depression is right on my shoulder and anxiety has already possessed me, so I'll leave the word to the songwriters of "Impossible", Arnthor Birgisson and Ina Christine Wroldsen.

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love, I did

And you were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot, I did

And now

When all is done, there is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won, you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

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After porn comes more lies

After discovering the truth and confronting him, I really thought he understood how heartbroken I was, and he ofcourse claims, that he had thrown away the toys and stopped watching porn immidiately.

First he seemed genuine and very understanding,  but...

I'm such an idiot!

Some time later on, I was looking at recipes and comparing 2. I decided to go for the first one, but couldn't get the recipe  back on the laptop. But history has suddenly been wiped.

It doesn't suddenly disappear, you have to do that manually.

Again I confronted him. He claimed ofcourse, he had not done anything, besides we have had sex several times,  he claimed.

I went to my calendar and started to look back, for each page I turned, I saw his face look more weird.

4 months! Once in 4 months.

I didn't ask anything, the stupid excuses make me sick, besides I don't need to ask.

Theres NO man who goes without sex for 4 months, if he has a woman right next to him. Theres must theres something more interesting for him to "do:.

This time I didn't really feel much but a bit sad, cause I know what's going on.

He is still watching porn, he is just not computer wise enough to know, what history actually means. 

But to make a long story short, it doesn't prevent others to find, what you watch.

I have given up any discussion now, he wont realise, how much he has hurt me and still does.

He doesn't talk about any previous girlfriends, so apparently somethig is not over.

At newyears he showed me a message from his messenger. I noticed a long row of girls he had been sending hearts and virtual hugs to in october. 

I checked my own messages and I haven't received anything like that from him in october or anytime else for that matter..

I am currently having a huge discussion with myself whether I should stay here or not. I love him, but...

He is "just not that into me", and apparently he prefers to look at porn and jerk off, rather than be with me.

AND he lies about it, he talks about me with others, also talks about me with previous girlfriends  

Sometimes he leaves the house to talk on the phone, so I wont hear the conversation, and naturally he gets messages all the time 

Buy do you know, what I don't get?

With all the above 'interests' and secrets, why the hell has he asked me to marry him twice?

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Pornography shows its ugly face

After the worst excuses for buying sex toys I have ever heard, the storm calmed down. His excuses was simply too embarrassing! Hes a grown man, not a 6 years old!

The bad excuses mad me feel even worse. 'Did he really think, I was stupid.'

I simply shut up, thered no reason to continue a argument like that.

A month or 2 later, I was collecting our pictures from the phones on an external hard drive, and meanwhile looking at pictures and short movieclips of our old diseased dog.

Amongst all those happy memories, I suddenly had a porn movie on the screen.

First I thought it was an error, an ad or something, but then the next, and the next came up.

The cold swathes started and my fingers was already shaking. My brain was working on overload, thinking a million thoughts at the same time. It felt like my head was gonna explode.

I checked the date and time with my own calendar, and surprise...

My oh so supportive boyfriend, who went with me to all the hospital visits, who sat beside med and was oh so tired, he had to leave early from the hospitalto get some sleep. And meanwhile I felt so sorry for him for being so tired, and felt bad for taking up so much extra of his time.

THAT sweet boyfriend, who made me feel like such a burden on him, he had time to download porn morning, noon and night!

Don't worry, he was certainly playing with his toys.

I remembered, when I came home from the hospital and was not physically able to go to second floor, he spend SO much time upstairs making cigarettes. Otherwise he was SO tired, he had to take a nap, and I was alone most time in the sofa in front of the TV. 

I remember I felt so left out, cause he barely talked with med or spend any time with me, even though he had the days off. Most of the time he spend upstairs. 

Now I know why.

And you know what? 

He tells me, it's my own fault. 

My stomach was hurting after surgery yeah, but not for 2 damn years!

Then he then claimed, he didn't know, I was ready!

Hello!! We went to a sex store together on MY suggestion.

I felt really bad and this time I packed my clothes. 

Never ever in my life have any man made me feed so bad about myself 

I'm sick, I can't work anymore, and apparently I'm not attractive enough anymore either.

I felt so disgusted with myself, and also disgusted by the thought of what he had been doing upstairs, while I couldn't move!

I felt an uncontrollable insanity had processed my body.

I confronted him and told him that, and started with all his excuses, but this time it was finally ME who was shouting

I hate you for making me feel like that. 

I hate you for what you have done to us. 

Done to me, done to my self esteem.

My trust in you is long gone and I dont even want to try anymore.

It's an unfair 'game,' when he acts so selfish. He has been working on having sex with his porn girls and HIS toys for HIM SELF  - while I was working WITH HIM  and used MY spare money US and sexy lingerie.

It would had been cheaper just to buy a dildo, if that's what I wanted. 

We apparently didn't even have the same goals anymore.

I din't wanna ask him any more. I still need an explanation, the truth, but I don't want to hear any other stupid excuses.

So once again we had a long periode with polite conversation, until I finally started to feel a bit better again.

Meanwhile he also assured me, that he had thrown out everything and totally given up porn.

Well... What do YOU think?

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