Silence after the storm

I don't really know what I'm doing. I just exist.

It seems like I'm doing exactly, like the psychiatrist said I do - I put up my shield. When hurt, my brain builds up a fence, that blocks out certain feelings.

If I get hurt enough, the fence ends up being impossible to break down. I have to say, it must be very effective, when even a psychiatrist can't get inside your brain. 

I'm quite impressed by the bodys way of protecting itself. However in the long run it's definitely not healthy to put a lid on your emotions.

The sad news is, that this is what I do. I start to care less, it's like givin up on a sinking ship. I just let it go. I don't really care to save anything, there's no reason to, the boat will sink at some point, since water keeps pouring in.

This is the most empty feeling ever, and I have no solution or desire to try to figure it out, it seems to be too late. Theres too much water in our boat, and I'm the only one at the pumps. Why bother then(?)

I know this bubble will blow up at some point, and this silence... I'm also sure will end, whether it's going to be a final explosion or a decent talk, I have no idea.

For now, I just keep to myself, and talk, when I'm asked. And everybody seems to find that perfect, so I decided to play along this time. Thry don't appreciate my company, they don't seem to care if I am doing okay or not. I might as well be invisible,  they would ignore me equally. 

But God I need to talk with another person. I need to feel worthy of something, at least just worthy to be noticed.

Fortunately I have Lucy (CCTeam), who I've  asked to make these graphics, and she's a lady with her own opinion. I love that.

Sometimes I notice, she sort of answers me in the work she's doing. If I ask for a quote about loneliness, she doubkes up with 2 other creations of "it's better to be alone..." 

It's nice to have their support, cause I start to feel unworthy of love. Maybe it's not in my cards to be loved unconditionally, truly, fully in a solid marriage. 

Original photo by:

Pixabay 

Quotes by;

Netizen Quotes 

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When a punch in the face would hurts less

Why did I tell you about our sexual problems in the bedroom? It doesn't connect with anxiety and depression.

Or does it?

Since my boyfriend seemed to prefer to seek sexual satisfaction with his toys and porn over me, I was really down.

It felt like a punch in the face would have hurt much less, however equally a dealbreaker.

It most certainly affected my self-esteem and my awareness of how skinny I am.

I question, if my body would turn on anyone at all.

My ability to get sexual satisfaction is almost totally gone. 

I feel old, unattractive and ugly.

And most of all, I feel very much alone, cause I can't trust that one person, I trusted the most.

However this is unfortunately something many women go thru - not that it makes everything allright.

Nevertheless somewhere in the world, theres women going through the excact same thing.

And I bet, that it hurts everyone of us equally, no matter what diagnose we have, if any.

And the side effects of our boyfriends actions; our hurt feelings, is somewhat alike.  

And I feelt down, like my inside was turned out. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm 15 years older, than when we met each other.

This was the one, that blew me off track this time, but remember; with anxiety and depression in my backpack, my boat was perhaps more easy to rock.

There's no pill against these feelings. There's no easy fix.

As many other episodes in my life, this happened to me, not because of me. No matter what, this was HIS choice.

And that's the whole point. 

Depression makes bad thoughts come more easily, but it's caused by something in this case. 

I guess I have yet a lesson to learn:

I have to be careful and try hard NOT to sink into depression each time, I get hurt by a man. Otherwise it seems like I could be hurt the rest of my life.

AND;

Many of our problems, is precisely the same, as other couples problems. And they go thru those problems without sinking into depression. 

It must be possible for me to do that as well.

So... this will be my personal fight on the inside for some time from now. To remember, that every bump on the road is not caused by my mental issues. Some of them is actually quite 'normal.'

Thank you for listening.

Title photo;

Musa Ortaç

Quotes etc from my friends, who writes at;

netizenquotes.com 

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