Will I make it out alive?

Yeah, despite my training and work with my own limitations caused by anxiety, depression and PTSS, I also have days like this, where I just don't see any other options, that the obvious stated.

This piece of music calms me down a bit, when sadness has the upper hand - to hear another person asking the same question, as I ask myself. Will this be the cause of my death(?) What's my future going to be like, if I can't work?

I guess the lyrics speaks for themselves, and I know many of you guys are tormented by the same lack af vision for the future. Just like I fo right now.

Don't start any alarming systems- it's a very very bad day, but I got my friends, (CC and Farmer)

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I still try to shake off depression

After an overload of pressure, I've sunk into a depressive state and needed some serious RnR, to get back to be able to hold my ground.

I certainly found a limit there. Just a bit of mental overload, and depression and anxiety is back.

I wanted to let you know, that I'm now off the couch. That was a fight not to just stay under the the duvet and pretend, that the rest of the world does not exist. Or even better; I don't excist.

It took me some time just to get there, and I'm trying to hold on the best I can.
I stay away from computers, phones - stats one of my "triggers" from my working days. Even though it is years ago, I simply can't handle the pressure that comes with computers and gadgets. PTSD / PTSS reactions comes instantly.
That's the reason you don't hear much from me right now.

During the day, I work with 2 schedules.
I have a sort of "must do" list, and a "can do".
Is given, the tasks on the must do lists it's the important, like take medication, breaks, even meals is in here - cause I tend to skip my meals due to lack of appetite.
And ofcourse the can do lists is assignments, that I can do, if I get inspired. (Right now I'm washing duvets for instance. The other day I was working in the garden...)

I'm slowly - but steady - taking in the world again bit by bit.

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I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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Depression and Anxiety returns

From one second to another, my job consultant took away all my progress.

I was a bit exited before the meeting, cause now there might be a solution. Just the hope inside was enough to make me want to get out of bed, even when I was sick and feeling bad.
Now I see no point in getting up, and I haven't really done anything productive since the meeting.

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The Job Consultant took away my hope

I've been at a meeting today(friday), where I thought I might be cleared to work.

OMG they are incredible. They don't understand anything.

Now I'm noted as having dementia, what the fuck is going on?

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Relaxation music

There's a lot of radio stations online, that plays relaxation music all night long. Many stations have their own players, which you might know and use already - perfect.

But if you don't have time to search for a radio station, you can find some stations down below, with different kinds of music.
I continuously search for radio streams without a lot of chatting.
There's uncountable numbers out there, so I'll be adding to the list once in a while. But here's a couple to get started.
I would be more than happy, if you'll share your favorites with me, then I'll add them to the list, if I think its beneficial for all.
Happy listening!

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