I'm so tired in general - and I need more tests

Photo by: TinyApartmentCrafts

I was discharged from the hospital Friday, and I really wish to travel. However my energy level is extremely low, I'm even scared to drive for more than 1 hour.

Today I got a letter from the local hospital.
Apparently I need to go to the University Hospital for more tests. It's more than 1,5 hour away, so in some sort of way, I will ironically get my wish to travel fulfilled.

I really start to be feed up with hospitals, the smell, the examinations, tests, blood samples. I start to feel like a pincushion.

Read More

I want to travel - to forget the hospital and...

Photo by: Dominic

... all the bad things.


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do, than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” 
Marc Twain

Read More

Visit to the heart specialist at the Hospital

I spend approximately an hour at the heart specialist at the hospital. Since then I have been carrying a mobile blood pressure measuring machine, and I feel pretty ridicules walking around with the buzzing and humming from the machine in my pocket, and the "breathing" from the thing around my arm.
It measures my blood pressure and pulse each 15 minutes, and if something seems wrong, it measures an extra time. I'm supposed to carry the equipment for 24 hours, and I have absolutely no idea of how I am supposed to fall asleep.
I haven't told the children or my mom about this, I don't want them to worry - but I miss someone to talk with. My friend and I went outside for a cigarette and talked a bit while sitting next to each other on the stairs...

Read More

Medication sideeffects or is my heart really broken(?)

Photo by: emagineart

Saturday evening didn't went as I expected. I didn't feel good, and as time went by, I felt worse and worse. So no piano for me, and all the rest of my plans for that evening went down the sewer.
I felt like my inner engine was driving too fast, and my brain was frying. My body felt, like it wanted to run the marathon, but my brain was overworked and wanted to sleep.

The staff kept taking my blood pressure, which was skyrocketing, and its still very high.... 

Read More

I have been moved to the depression deparment :-)

Photo by: JoshSemans

Finally they got open spaces at the depression department of the mental hospital. Both me and my friend have been standing by all day to be moved, and now we are finally in an environment of peace and quiet.

The "excitement" in the other part of the mental hospital was hand able, however there was fights in the hallway during the night, so I haven't slept much.
During lunch, the screaming girl got an epileptic episode, she simply fell of her chair and went into cramps on the floor. There was only one nurse nearby, so since I was close to the door I shouted out in the hallway, that we needed some help in the dining area. Fortunately, there's a sofa/tv section in the dining area, with pillows, that we could put around her head, since her head was hitting the radiator for each cramp her body took.
God, what a day.

I had planned to go shopping for some little gifts for the children, after I was moved...

Read More

I have made a friend :-) And the pants guy has escaped :-)

2 escapes in 24 hours - well this time I'm happy, if they don't get him. Suddenly the guy, that was in my room with his pants open, escaped. I don't really know how he escaped, cause I was in my room, when I heard the staff shouting and running down the hallway.
Well, it makes it less scary to be here, however the guy is of course in the need of help, so I do hope they catch him for his own good. I just wish, that we could lock our rooms for guys like him.

However, there is a new patient today (or maybe yesterday late evening - I didn't see him arrive.) He is here for the same reasons (almost), like me. We both lost our beloved recently, and we can't figure out, how life is supposed to go on...

Read More

I wish we had lock on our doors here

Even though there's screaming and fights, no one has ever touched me here.
The little guy with the blue plastic bags on his feet, who "arrested" the people with the food wagon the other day, is totally harmless, but loud. I have now figured out, what the deal is, with the food wagon. He is so scared of everything, that he uses this big metal wagon to barricade his door!
Today he was not the police, no he was the main stockholder in the biggest company of the country. And he owned the hospital, so... They should let him have the food wagon. Poor guy.

The newcomer, that was brought in by the police, is another story...

Read More

I didnt know my heart could break into more pieces

Photo by: dlkinney

I got some news this afternoon, that totally shook the ground underneath me. When the hospital staff saw me, they immediately game me relaxation medicine.
I am SO disappointed in everyone around me.
 Apparently I have been degraded to a brick in the game, that everyone around me feels the right to move around accordingly to their own wishes.

Read More

Yawn - highlights of this day at the mental hospital

Photo by: Highway Patrol Images

The best thing that happened today, was I talked with my little girl on the phone. I miss my children SO much, but its hard to talk on the phone, cause I of course can't tell her about the stuff that goes on here, that would just scare her. So I listen to her stories, but I can't really contribute with something nice other than talking part of her daily day, asking a couple of questions here and there, to keep the conversation going.

After this, I'll "warn" you, cause I'm in a very sarcastic mood today, so be prepared for some black "humor." Well, at least I write in this way - otherwise everything would so darn tragic, and I can't go there.

As I was hanging up my laundry on the radiator under the windows, a police car came strolling into the parking spot. Dear Jesus, now we will even get a criminal in here. It's going to be more and more *fun* for each day. (I hope and do believe, that you can "hear" the sarcasm in my "voice.")

Read More

Well, if you are not insane, you will become it here

Photo by:  rocksss

This part of the mental hospital is definitely not for kids.
It's nothing like I have seen the last time. I stay mainly in my room, with my headset on, and high music or a movie turned up loud.
When I go smoking, I can't close out this world of course. Then I see and hear the others...

One man spends his entire time here looking into a wall. Literally he is simply looking into the wall - all day.

A girl just across the hallway to my room is screaming all the time, sometimes just screaming, sometimes cursing at the staff.
I'm getting (more) insane just to listen to that. Last night she had a physical fight with the staff, she bit one of them...

Read More

I can't do anything right

- not even killing myself. And what happens, when you try to do that, and don't succeed(?) Well, you do not end up in the morgue, you end up in the mental hospital.
So here I am, once again.

I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info.
I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family.
But well, after all I have put them through lately, I feel very ashamed - I hate myself so bad - so I'd probably not call anyone anyway.

Read More

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....

...so help me God!

Sometimes I feel, that I am getting better.
But then I have fall backs, like yesterday. I wanted to kill myself, but the f****** knives in this house, that I have rented, is not sharp enough.
I tried to cut my veins in my arm and my leg, but it was not possible.

I feel bad for my children, to have a mom like me. I'm the only one they have left, and I am such a fuck up.

I try to "hide" behind a big smile and stupid jokes. Its just a facade, there's nothing true about me. I don't even know, who I am anymore. I have been hiding my true feelings for so long, that I cant even get in touch with them anymore.

Read More

My period always comes with memories....

Photo by: victoriapeckham

I know all women has more or less bad times during their period.
For me it brings memories of the miscarriage I had, and the abortion I had to go through alone.

It also reminds me of what "should have been" - how I wish life should have formed for all of us - and the fact that it didn't end up, as I dreamed it should be.

I wish I could get over those thought, and most times I am successful in my acceptance, that life didn't bring me what I wished for. 

But with my period comes all the thoughts...

Read More

A bit of pictures from our relaxation spot

We don't spend most of our times indoors, that was actually not the point either. Most of the time we spend at the water.
However its nice to have a good nice relaxing place to come home to in the evening, when we have been outside most of the day.
The living room is comfy, and the huge windows all over the place makes the sun come shining through, bringing good mood to everybody.
The black leather in the living room is not to my taste, but the furniture is comfy and you can easily fall asleep there - trust me :-)
We have bought a couple of new games to play in the evening - games that does not remind us of both the father figures we lost last year.
It's actually quite a challenge to find games for 3 people. Either its for 2 people - or a "whole family."
But we have succeeded in finding a couple, that's also quite funny for all ages.

Read More

Oh Freedom :-) We have yet a new location

This picture does actually not give justice to the house we have rented for the week. It's a wonderful house, close to the waters, and its bigger than you assume from the picture.

We have each our room with double beds, and 2 porches, where we can enjoy the sun.

There's no problems with hunting the children to take a bath, my little girl has already been into the jacuzzi 3 times - lol. 

We haven't used the sauna yet, cause the weather has been so wonderful. Most of the time we have been at the water collecting seashells and stones for a new fireplace, that we have planned to make in the garden, when we come home from our recreation.

Read More

I have been discarged from the mental hospital :-)

This is the best picture ever. Yes, I know the quality of the picture is not good at all, but this has been my "residence" for 15 days, and look at the bed... Nothing there...
And all the flowers I got, has been thrown out.
I took this picture, when I waited for my mom to pick me up and take me home from the mental hospital :-)

I still have to be on sick leave for 3 weeks, but just the very thought of not being locked up 24 hours a day, is wonderful.

My boss and colleagues has been very understanding. When I got committed to the mental hospital, I actually got an email from my boss saying, that he was sorry that I was committed to the hospital, and he practically "ordered" me to stay away from work, until I was totally well.
I haven't been following his order 100%, cause I'm very happy about my work, however I have not been working a lot.

Besides, being on phone and email with my colleagues during my hospitalization will make it more easy to come back to work.

Read More

I'm so frustrated still to be in the mental hospital

First of all: I am having a really bad day, which of course has a big influence on my thoughts.
It's very frustrating to be committed to the mental hospital, I don't really feel any better, no progress at all.
The nurses and my mom tries to talk me out of my worries, more or less successful.

How do they know, that this medication will work(?) The last apparently didn't, so why did they choose this new medication for me - why not another one(?)...

Shouldn't there be some kind of test or something, that would at least give an idea of what kind of mental disease a patient has - and what kind of treatment that would be best (?)
Like a Rorschach inkblot test, a questionnaire, or something...

Read More

Again too much time to think in the mental hospital

Photo by: jkirkhart35

My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend.
Why(?)
Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-)

The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection.
When we "met" online, our biggest strength was the conversations we shared. He was feeling bad about himself, me ditto. In the beginning it was never meant to be a real life commitment, but the connection between us grew stronger with each conversation we had.

We haven't been corresponding at all for a long time. He thinks it's the best way. He closes all connection, and protects himself that way.
I have chosen not to contact him anymore, I let him fly...

Read More

Family evening at the mental hospital

I haven't felt like writing for some days, so my "diary" miss some pages. I will however try to make up for it, by telling a bit about what has happened since I last wrote. When something happens, cause it would be a lie to tell you, that life in a mental hospital is filled with action.

Wednesday evening there was family evening here.
My mom and the children came to visit me, we got coffee/lemonade and cake, and after that we had the chance to do some activities together.

The weather was not pretty good, so we decided to stay indoors and use the facilities, that we have here.
We were playing ping pong at the table tennis table, I know this picture is a bit blurry, but that's actually my intention.
After table tennis, we took several rounds at the football table. We had a lot of fun, and it was difficult to see them leave.

Read More

At the mental hospital theres too much time to think

My thoughts is my worst enemy. If I don't stop myself from thinking, by distracting myself or escape somehow, I go into a thought spin, that mainly ends up with hating myself, kicking my own butt: "should have, would have, could have..."
It's so easy to see the all the mistakes after wards, all the signs, that I have overlooked - or perhaps even have chosen to overlook. And that goes both for my ex husband, and my ex boyfriend.
I was so scared to live alone, that I lived with an alcoholic for 17 years, where the last 10 years was hell for me - but I couldn't figure out how to leave him. The very thought of being alone was too frightening.

Read More

Psychiatrist: I have to stay at the mental hospital

I have been tired all day, I didn't sleep very well. The task from yesterday was very har for me, to write an "emotional/psychological curriculum vitae".
I haven't been able to finish it yet, and it was shocking to me, to see all the shit in writing - and I'm not even finished... 

I saw the Psychiatrist today, and once again we had the talk about all the shit that has been happening. Talk about my medication change, and how I felt after the change in medication. Well, how do I feel (?)
I miss so much to be able to go outside, and not just stay indoors. I feel a bit better, than when I arrived Thursday evening, but as I told the Psychiatrist, its hard to say if the "feeling a bit better" comes from the medication, a placebo effect caused by me knowing I get new medication, that I am more able to rest and its not so stressful here in some way... After a long talk, I got the "judgment"...

Read More

"Daily life" at the mental hospital

Right now I'm SO down, cause I wont see my little girl today - my mom's car has broken down! One of the worst things about being here is the sorrow of not being able to hug and kiss my children. Fortunately my big boy was here after school today (he studies in this town), so at least I have seen one familiar face today. I am able to manage to keep up a big smile while they are here, and also when they leave - but after the doors close behind them, I allow myself to let the tears come.

Read More

Feelings about being at a mental hospital

I have been writing a lot about the fact, that I am now committed to the mental hospital, how they have changed my medication, and how they have moved me around.
I still lack to tell you my point of view of being here, how difficult it is to accept, that I need the help, that the hospital can provide. How does it actually feel to be hospitalized as a mentally sick patient(?)
The first day, I was at another place in the hospital. When they moved me,  I didn't notice at first, that this is a closed department.
Look at this picture of my window! Geez, I can't even open it more than a couple of inches.
When my friend came to see me yesterday, I figured out, that I can't get out of here, without supervision! This is absolutely not what I agreed to...

Read More

Mental hospital: I have been moved

I was moved to another part of the mental hospital, cause apparently the first "residence" I was committed to, was for observation and emergency care of mental patients. My room does not differ much from the first one I got - except I dont have any "lovely" pictures on the wall ;-)

Here's my new "presidential suite" - lol. Just like with the first room I got, I have my own bathroom connected to my room.

Read More

I was comitted to the mental hospital yesterday

This is my new "residence", wonderful picture on the wall, isn't it(?) Sorry I didn't make the bed, but I have climbed back into it right now, so I didn't see the point.

They have given me some new medication today, but I cant remember the name of it. I really hate to take something, that I don't really know what is.
One of the nurses has however promised to bring me a list of the new stuff, so I can google it.

I wish I had better news, but... Sometimes life just sucks...

Read More

Panick attacks comes like lightening from clear sky

Yesterday I was actually having a "medium" day, and I finally had something to look forward to, so I didn't expect this coming at all.

I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep.

I want to know WHY this is happening. Why I get such panic attacks and loose total control of myself and my own wishes... Cause I don't wish to cut myself, I don't want to drink - its just a form of escape. What is bothering me so much for the moment, that I loose total control(?)

Read More

A little light starts to take form

Getting out in the garden yesterday, doing just a little work, was really good for me. My thoughts started to go in another direction.

I have had absolutely no idea of what to do about Easter Vacation until then. All our previous vacations had one destination, and that was to my ex boyfriends country, a lovely place - so we could also visit his family.
Before that, we have always been camping, but I cant do the camping myself, and it does not interest me anymore.

So, now I have rented a summerhouse at the sea. I really miss the waters, the beach, the sounds of nature. And I have planned absolutely nothing, but to take walks along the beach, maybe do a little fishing, collecting beautiful stones and seashells, and making bonfire at the waterside with the children.

Nearby there's a harbor, and I love to go to a harbor. Buying a big ice cream and looking at the boats. Listening to the birds, and the wires slapping against the sailing boats masts. Feeling the light breeze in my face and just relaxing on a bench in the sun.

This is something I really look forward to, and even though it might seem like a little thing to have vacation planned, its means a huge deal to me. To have something to look forward to in the future.


Picture by: mybulldog

Read More

A new start, new dreams for the future starts to take form

After my total mental breakdown, after the dissociation phase, it has all been darkness and a sorrow so deep, that a future was totally impossible to even think about. I was living from moment to moment. When I was falling asleep, it was with the hope never to wake up again.

After the visit from the psychiatrist team today, I went outside in the sunshine to clear my brain. I didn't think about anything particular, but started to clean a little weed, looking at the flowers, that starts to fight their way up through the dirt and bring a little sunshine to the world.
Being out in the sun helps me a lot, even though if its just for a short while. The weed I remove, or the little gardening I get done, does not matter - its not the goal.

I start to have little lights at the end of the tunnel now. In the garden I finally got an idea for the Easter Vacation.
All our vacations has previously gone to my ex boyfriends home country, so we could visit his family. He comes from a beautiful area, where there's a lot of activities. So the last years we never had any thoughts about where to go during vacation - that's why it has been so hard on me to even make up an idea.

Also in regards to the house and the garden, I couldn't think about a future here - here I have lost almost everything. Sometimes I have even had the thought, that this house was cursed in some way!
But I start to feel it growing safer to me - its hard to explain. Before I just wanted to run away, but now I get little ideas - which I of course know I should not put a plan up for realizing in near future (because I must focus on resting and sleeping). But the very thought, that I now get little ideas, little dreams - even how small - that must mean that I am in the good direction.
For the first time, I actually start to have a little hope, little dreams for the future. Something to look forward to - and that makes SO much difference.

Read More

Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better.
It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children.

My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however as I also said, so am I - so its totally understandable.
The psychiatrist however told me, that another fact is, that it is very hard to see a person so horrible down all the time. And it is impossible for a person, who has never tried deep depression and anxiety to know, how much it affects the mind as well as the body.
The tiredness is almost overwhelming, and unfortunately I don't have a husband or boyfriend to support me though all this. There's no one to take the practical daily burdens on my shoulder, and I have not the steady support, that you normally would have in a husband.

We also talked about the birthday of my boy, how it went (and especially didn't go as planned). However the psychiatrist told me, that I should look at it as a little success: we made it through the bowling - and even though it brought memories back from when we were 4 playing, I went through that.
Doing the birthday cake, the day after, was also one of the little successes. It was a recipe, I had developed for my boyfriend. And making it again after he left me, that was hard. But I did it!

So all in all: I should look at the little successes, the good moments, and not at the failures. Fighting a mental disease is hard!

Read More

My sons birthday with my parents

Saturday we had my parents coming to coffee, buns and cake.
I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much.
But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff.
In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where I of course fell asleep exhausted on the sofa.
Even though it was just my parents, "entertaining" guests is not very nice for me right now. It takes a lot of energy to be social.

Read More

My sons birthday: going out is a struggle

My son had chosen to go bowling and after that, we should have dinner at a Chinese restaurant on his birthday. So we all dressed up and went to the bowling center. I felt the normal slight anxiety getting in there with all the other people, but I just had to, and tried not to look anybody in the eyes.
Already at the counter, it started, since the owner of the center has children that goes to school with my children. So she asked, if I was starting to feel better, and I didn't really knew what to answer - so I just told her, as it is, that "I have to accept that it will take a long time."
During bowling, suddenly a guy comes up to me and asked, if I was not from work? First then I recognized him - there has been so many different people at work lately, since we are building heavily.
So there it was - bye bye anonymity, and I didn't feel totally good about that.

Later at the restaurant, we got a table in the middle of the room. That was nice enough, but then more and more people came in, and during the first course I felt the panic attacks coming. So my son quickly ordered a bill and we had to go home.

I felt like a complete failure, however the Psychiatric Team has told me to look at the positive in this experience, and also learn from it. I had a good time (sort of) in the bowling center - but forcing myself to do both the restaurant visit and the bowling, that was apparently too much right now.

After that day I was completely wasted, and slept a lot. It for sure takes all your energy to fight anxiety.

Read More

Memories of my ex boyfriend was everywhere at first...

- but now it seems to finally begin to lighten.
Each time I opened the freezer, there was huge packs of meat, so I could prepare the big meals necessary, when you are cooking for a family of 4, where the husband and the big teenager are heavy eaters. Seeing that in the freezer also brought memories from the time, when we went to the store buying it all the 4 of us...
But little after little we have used it up, and the memories from that start to fade.
I think, that a part of my eating problem is caused by the fact, that I always enjoyed to make dinner for all of them. We were a family, and it was more a rule than an exception, that I served 2 or 3 courses at dinner. I enjoyed that, to make everybody happy about the dinner I was serving - and especially my ex boyfriend, since his abilities in the kitchen was quite limited.

But I'm starting to "take my kitchen back" in some way. I even bought a new food processor!
Somehow every little new stuff in the house seems to make the memories fade more and more. I still have no appetite at all, and I'm still disgusted by food and making it, but it seems that I am in the right direction in that regard.

In the kitchen cabinets is still the foie gras, which I should have served as an entry at his birthday, and the candied cherries, that should have been used for his birthday cake. In the candle drawer is still the candlenumber of his birthday age to put on his birthday cake, and his birthday present is still wrapped in the closet of my daughter. Everything for his birthday was prepared for a long time, my phone still have huge lists of ideas for his birthday. I wanted to do everything to make him happy, even though nothing seemed to be good enough for him. 
But I am going to start to change the memories from that too. Since the children does not like the foie gras, I guess I'll give it as a gift to someone who will enjoy it. The candle with his age, well, I guess it makes a good purpose in the fireplace.

Everywhere in the house there was pictures of him, me and the children. I loved the times we spend together, when we were in nature, on bikes, on hikes, sailing, fishing and making bonfire out in nature, picking mushrooms... I thought it was so wonderful to have a man, that enjoyed those things as much as I did - but the love he had for me never existed. I see it all as a lie now. 
So, most of the pictures we have changed. Now we mainly have pictures of the children, and some of their dead father. There is still a couple with my ex boyfriend left in the house, that needs to be changed, but its a good start.

When my ex boyfriend left, we were in the process of renewing the bathroom.
Now it has become "the childrens and my" bathroom. We have decided together, what we want to put there.
Chose the furniture, the pictures, the candle arrangement etc.
You are not able to notice such details on this picture, however around the glasses with the candles, there is little stones and sea shells, which we have collected on some of our trips to the ocean. This brings in some way some peace and nature to the room, which I enjoy very much. (The plant however, I have decided to change - lol) Its too big, but for now it's there.

Every little change in the house makes the memories and "wish" of the family, I thought we had, fade a little - and change into the acceptance of the family we are now. Me and the children.

Read More

Second visit from the Psychiatrist Team

Today we talked about the most important for me right now. At the end of the first meeting, I got a patient guide in psychoeducation, listing all the things that's normally very difficult for a person, who has just had a total mental breakdown.
There's three things in focus for me right now on that list, and that's:

• food
• fresh air
• sleep/relaxation

All the other things is of course also important, but it's those 3 I have to focus on. Well, some of the points of the list is naturally connected in one way or another - like reducing stress and pressure vs. rest/sleep/relaxation...
Medication is also on the list, which I of course also have to remember to take regularly.

They have discussed my medication at the Psychiatrist Team Center, and they didn't want to change it right now. They want to see the full effect of me going up to 200 mg Sertraline, since it can take several weeks to work.

During the meetings, I get very tired. I'm so fortunate to have my friend and neighbor by my side, so I have someone to discuss the meetings with, and also to remember the different things for me. My memory is really to the "Alzheimer" side - if I don't write things down, I simply forget them.

So until next time, I have to accept, that my brain is working hard on getting better, and therefore my resources for other stuff is down. I have to learn to accept, that I need a lot of sleep and rest, and that my neighbor and my big boy is able to help me in the house.

I should try to look at it, as for one day, I have 10 portions of energy. The Psychiatrist Team is (as my Psychologist) impressed, that I am still able to do my full time job. But as I also try to explain to them, it's one thing I am good at. A thing that interests me, and where I feel needed and have success with what I am doing.
But back to my ten portions of energy:
Going to work full time I should see as taking 7 portions of my energy. Taking care of the kids minimum 2 portions of energy, and making dinner 1 portion of my energy.
If I force myself to do more, I take that energy from my body, that it needs to get better. That's why I don't see the full effect of the treatment - I simply demand too much from myself on daily basis.And that way my body and brain has no left over resources to fight my mental condition.

It's hard to accept that I'm sick. It's hard not to force myself to do stuff. But I have to give it my best shot at getting better, so I do, as the doctor "prescribes." Try to relax and let my body and mind get the time it needs to heal...

Read More

I have been so tired lately and had no desire to write

I have my period, fortunately normally this time. But I get so tired, when I have it, I sleep almost all the time - so I feel bad for the children, since I don't have the energy to do something active with them.
Each time I get my period, it reminds me about the miscarriage. Reminds me, that I now should have been a mom again, and all the thoughts about the future, that I was dreaming of, was shattered by the man, that I loved so much.

I have a visit from the Psychiatrist Team today, and I hope they have some news about my medication. It takes a lot of energy to live with anxiety and depression. I'm tired of being scared of almost everything, I'm tired of feeling like the worst person on earth. I wish I could move forward more quickly, but I also know that a mental sickness is not easy to fight. And the energy to fight is hard to find.
But lets see, what the Psychiatrist Team has to say today...

Read More

Second and final danceshow

We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room.
I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction.
But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile.

My parents came around noon, I was preparing dinner for this evening. I hate the thought of food, but this was vegetables that I was preparing, and I can handle that.
My mom and step dad were both so amazed of what I had done in the bathroom, but well... They dont know the right end to hold a screwdriver them selves, so...

Well, we went to the dance show, and there was naturally many people, which I have difficulties to handle. But I managed, we saw my little girls show, and shortly after buying the group picture, we went home.On the way out of there I saw a potential boyfriend smiling at me, and I smiled back to him. However, I don't know who he is, or did not talk to him at all. I'm scared. I'll probably end up as an old woman with lots of cats ;-)

So now I am in my "safe spot", the sofa, in the room with the fireplace, with all curtains closed. It seems I have survived yet another day in the world.

Read More

First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team

I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day.
To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options.

Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough"  through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time.
After that, they got presented with the medication, that I take now.

1. Sertralin Hexal.
That is the drug, that makes the signal between the braincells working.
I started on 50 mg. I'm currently on 200 mg.

2. Tolmin (Mianserinhydrochlorid)
10 mg

3. Apozepam (Diazepam)
25 mg

4. Besides that, I take some nature medicine
"Valerina forte"
 "Drogens strong baldrian with lemon balm"


The Psychiatrist team advised me not to take the nature medicine. There's apparently a suspicion, that it effects the other chemicals.

For now, I should keep on the dose of prescribed medication, until the entire Psychiatrist Team has discussed, if I should change medication and/or dose.


At the end of the meeting, they presented me with a list, a Patient guide in psychoeducation.

calm down
relief
reduce stress and pressure
sleep
structure the day
personal hygiene
food / drink
small activities
fresh air
exercise
rest
medicine
no alcohol
no drugs

I started to cry, when I saw the list. All of the symptoms above (besides drugs) is something, that I fight with. It was both scary - and a relief - to see a list like that. This means, that I'm not "abnormal" in my reaction to a total mental breakdown. And these are the things, they are going to help me with.
Until I get better, I should stop seeing my Psychologist, cause I wont be able to do serious work with him, while I'm still as down as I am.

The Psychiatrist Team is coming again next Tuesday, so lets see what happens then.

Read More

Cutting

I cant escape. There's no way out of here.
Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it.
There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible). 
But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here....

I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell.
Living hell on earth!

I have started cutting again. I know - not a good thing... It's a down spiral.
This picture is of my left arm. The scars is from yesterday, so you dont see the bleeding.
I enjoy the pain when I cut!
It makes me feel alive.
Seeing the blood streaming from my body confirms, that I am living - even though I feel dead.

The psy team is coming tomorrow - I hope they have something to offer!

Read More

A New Family Member(?)

We have decided to get another family member - a kitten.
It's just difficult, since our cat "Kitty" is very nervous - especially after we had the dog.
So we are looking for a kitten, that is not too old - 8-10 weeks. Hopefully it wont scare our Kitty.

There is no kittens available online for now - only "older" kittens, like 6 months+.
We can't risk that. We don't want to make this a fight for Kitty to be in her house. She has already experienced that, and now she is finally feeling that the whole house is access able.
However  spring is coming up, so perhaps we will find a new "family" member at that time.

Read More

I Feel Trapped

I don't really care where I end up, when I die. Nothing can be worse than this.
I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore.
If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapped.

Read More

I See No Future

Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day.
I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state.
I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore.
Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers".
I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken...

Read More

Are You Ready To Date(?)

- or something like that was written on an advertisement, I saw on an internet site I visited today.
The advertisement also said something like: " you know yourself and your wishes - let us find the perfect match for you, who shares the same wishes as you."

Shortly after I read that, I went to the dance show with my children, and didn't really think about it, until I started to notice some men looking at me and smiling at me.
I wished the earth would open up underneath me and swallow me! I was scared to be among so many people first of all, but to have men smiling at me... I was not prepared for that.
Fortunately I had my big boy next to me - he is really starting to be big now - when we were driving to the dance show, we joked about him being our "bodyguard".
But its not a total joke - if he had not been there, I don't know, what I would have done. It just feels wrong somehow - my son is protecting his mother - not like it used to be. Me, as a mother, protecting my son.
Well, lets just say, that there was a lot of potential boyfriends there, but I am not ready. I'm scared. I don't know what scares me the most... To start loving another person again (and risk getting treated like waste), or to never fall in love again.

When we came home, I did however make a false profile on a free dating site - just to take a look at "what is out there". My little girl saw me looking, and even though I told her, that I am just looking, I'm not planning on doing anything, she said the wise words:
"Didn't you find our step dad on the internet(?)"
(She means my ex boyfriend, who left without a goodbye)

We had a good talk about that. And as I have told both my children, I am not ready to date anybody. I'm scared now. My last boyfriend turned into something, that I don't know what was. We started by being the best friends, we could talk about everything. We were so much in love. Well, so I thought. To him, I guess it was just an opportunity to leave a world, that he didn't like, for some years. And we were his tools.

I have lost it once before I've pulled myself up from the floor
And I am looking for a reason to stay standing
But sometimes it's just too much or not enough or something else
It's so much bigger than my head, it's too demanding

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to go slow
And sometimes if you wanna hold on you got to let go

Read More

We Are Going To A Danceshow Today - Anxiety....

My little girl takes danceclasses, and now the team is going to preform a danseshow today. Since its in another city, we have to drive there, and of course I want to see her preform on stage.
However anxiety is hard on me, I'm scared to even get out of the house. I'm scared to be in a room filled with people... I', scared I will have a panic attack up there...
But I can't let my little girl down, so I simply have to get it together and force myself to do this. It's not going to be easy - but well, life is not easy at all.
I wish I had someone to go with me, but she is preforming next week also, and then my mom will  be there. She can't be there for me all the time, she is not well herself.

Read More

Theres One Neighbor I'm Scared Of

He started by calling me, while my friend was visiting this morning, so I chose not to take the call. However he called half an hour later, while the children and my friend was sorting some of my ex husbands things. I answered that call, and it was obvious, that he had been drinking heavily.  He wanted me to come over, but I refused, and I had difficulties to get him off the phone without being impolite.
I told the children and my friend what happened. My friend already knew the particular neighbor was drunk, so they were all watching out for him. Fortunately he has not come over yet!

During the whole day he has been calling me, I don't know how many times! Of course I don't answer the phone, and now I start to be scared, that he will come over during the evening.
I'm almost paranoid with locking the doors, I start to fear, when the phone will ring the next time - and I am really scared that he will suddenly stand outside our door.
This is really something, that I don't need right now. My anxiety is hard on me already, and now I have to fight the fear of that particular neighbor too.

We are trying to have a nice evening, with a good movie - but the fear is in the thoughts all the time. I really wish that I had a man in the house, that I could cuddle into and feel safe.

Read More

I have been sick - but mentally I start to feel a bit better

I haven't been writing for some days now, I have been running a fever again and spend most of my time sleeping and having the worst dreams.
However today I managed to get to work, and after lab work was done, I went back to work from home. I feel better in my "safe spot."
I worked until 17, but after that I actually also managed to do some work around the house since dinner was already made. It's nice, to start to feel a little bit of excitement. A little spark of desire to actually do something, instead of just sitting crumbled together in a chair staring empty out of the window.
Remembering my psy tools: do not demand anything from yourself, keep your ambition level to a minimum. After having had such a total mental breakdown, the depression will hit hard. So I just have to focus on getting the normal household running, and if I then have the desire to do a little extra - I should be happy about that. And I am.
Today, besides taking care of the children and my job, dinner etc. - I also did some work on the house. Hung up some pictures, a towel dryer in the bathroom...
So, now I feel tired in a good way, and anxiety is not that hard on me. I know that feeling can easily change to the worse in an hour, but I'll try to keep focus on the good moments :-)

Read More

Cleaning Up After My Ex Boyfriend And Husband

I think a little about my never ending "to-do-list". I haven't made an actual list, cause it will just make me scared to look at it!
But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore.

Stuff after my ex husband
We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse!
However going through his stuff is more easy, since he has no need or wish to keep stuff anymore, therefore we don't have to worry about his opinion. Now its up to the children and me to decide, whether we feel something for the stuff, that he left behind, and would like to keep that for sentimental reasons.
The task is going to be difficult emotionally though, and I'm scared, that the children and me will be overwhelmed with sorrow, while doing the job.

Stuff after my ex boyfriend
This is more difficult in another way. After the way he left us, I don't believe, there will be a lot of sorrow attached to that. Especially not for the children. And for me, well, lets face the reality... He represented a dream of a husband, which he was never really wanted to be.
We have already started to remove pictures of him around the house, and replace it with pictures of the childrens father. I know for sure, that the childrens father loved us all for real - he was just too sick and not able to fight his alcoholism.
However - no matter what my ex boyfriend did to us - I find it difficult to throw away his stuff. I can't in any way know, what kind of stuff that means something for him emotionally, if anything at all. As I wrote in an earlier post, "what was actually important to my boyfriend(?)"
I have asked several times in mails, if there's special stuff, he would like to keep, but I get no answer.
I really don't want to throw away stuff, that means something to him - even after the horrible way he left me - I can't do that. On the other hand, we can't keep storing it forever. And I really have no belief, that he will come one day and transport it back to his own country.

What to do(?)
Well, I have planned to "arm" myself with my neighbor. Get the one garage, where some of my ex husbands stuff is stored, get the stuff in that garage sorted and cleaned out. She will be able to help me and the children through the sorrow, when it arrives.
That way the trailer will fit into the garage, and we will be able to load it little by little, with other stuff, that we want to throw away (without the stuff getting wet and heavy by rain.)


What I personally need to do:
Remember my Psychologist Tools: accept that I am sick. Not to make too many plans. Not to force myself.

Read More

Depression Makes My Energy Level Low

After my mental breakdown, I was able to do a lot of stuff. I practically buried myself in work, both at my job and the building on the house. I guess it was also some kind of escape, or caused by the dissociation.
Now depression is making every task almost impossible to get through, and anxiety and panic attacks takes a lot of the little energy that I have.
I feel the need to sleep a lot, and even though I try to do so, I feel tired all the time.

Even so, I managed to do some work around the house during the weekend. Since the sun was shining, and it helps to get out of the house into the sunshine, we also went into the garden, and did a little stuff there.

One of my Psy Tools is to look at the positive, that I have done - and not to look at all the stuff, that I don't get done. I'm still working on accepting that I'm sick, and since I have a tendency to demand way to much from myself, I'm not really successful in looking at the positive. I always feel, that I could and should have done more.... Right now I just have to try to accept, that I am sick, and that my mental condition requires me to get more rest and sleep.

Read More

My Ex Boyfirend In My Childrens Oppinion

I have had several good talks with my children today :-)
We started talking about one of our neighbors, which we are afraid of. (I'll probably go into details another day)
The point is, that this talk lead to a talk about my ex boyfriend.
I was quite surprised about their opinions on him...

My little girl said: he never had time for us. He just used us. When my girl came to him with a problem on school work, my ex boyfriend never "had time." Her thought is, that he was just playing games, and that he had a site that he quickly flashed to, to prevent her from seeing that. She never felt, that he was there for her for real, and she feels, that he just used us to have a place, where he could play games. And then she mentioned, that he left and never even said goodbye!

I asked my big boy, how he felt about what my little girl said. He said, that he felt the same thing. But he also added, that he had noticed, that my ex boyfriend never made a real attempt to get into life here. He stopped language classes, he never applied for a job here. He was just sitting behind his computer doing "whatever" - and never really took a part of the family. Besides that, my boy also felt, that everything my  buy did, was wrong in my boyfriends opinion.

It was good to have that talk with my children.
As I told them: we (I) have to be more wise, when I choose my next boyfriend. And that is not going to happen in near future. My trust in men in general has been put to zero.

What is important about this, is we, the children and me, had this conversation. We are starting to feel like a family again - "a team."

Read More

Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great

The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help.
But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done.

My current social worker - I had no confidence in her at all - until today!
My God, she was really able to spot the problems, that I fight the most.
I have paid thousands of euros on psychiatric and psychologist help - and in 90 minutes she was able to spot the main part of what is bothering me the most. My father!
She is not worried about the children, she is worried about me! 

The short version is, that my father put a fist into my face, and after that he told me "I am no longer your father".

I'll make it short now, cause I'm very tired.
Since I was 6 years old, I watched my father beat up my mom. Theres a lot of ugly episodes of that...

The point is, that I of course need to work on that, and also get medication to get better. The psy district is going to help me with that, and in the mean time I control my medication with my mom and my own previous experiences.

Read More

Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment

I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me.
At the same time I got more relaxation medicine.

I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle...
Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the thought comes to mind... I have a full package of relaxation medicine, an full package of my own anti depressives, some anti depressives that my ex boyfriend left behind him, and the normal stuff, that every family always has on stock, like paracetamol etc. Will it be enough(?)
And at the second after I know, that I cant allow myself that thought.

I'm just so tired. Physically and mentally.

Read More

I dont know anything at all

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
& that's okay with me

I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
& who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

Read More

Psychologist Visit 7: I Need More Help

First of all, my visit to my Psychologist started out very bad. Even though I was in good time, 20 minutes before the meeting, I couldn't find a parking spot.

I drove around the city, where they are rebuilding parking spots and roads all over - my GPS was at no help at all of course, since it does not know the twists and turns during building of new roads.

Read More

Depression And Sorrow

After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog...

Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90...

I feel the depression running through me, and I know it will be a big part of the "healing." After all, the total numbness I felt during my mental breakdown is a dissociation, a defense. Now I feel the feelings, and I have to go through them, otherwise I wont get to the other side of this.

But its not easy! Sometimes it seems feeling numb was better. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, a part of me has died. It's so beautiful put in this movie clip from the movie Twilight:

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

Read More

If you consider ....

I ask you one more thing, if you can handle it.
Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help others.

Read More

I'm Down, Big Time Down

I have been down before, but this time... I don't know...
I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another.
I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough.
There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on earth!

Read More

Fighting Low Self Asteem And Depression

At work, we are discovering new ways of creating CO2 friendly energy. It's also wearing me out! But this will help with reducing not only CO2 emission, but also methane emission - which has a 22 times stronger effect.So it's big time important!!!
I love to be a part of this - actually I have the main part in this, since my lab is the one running the first - now second and third results. Everyone is constantly calling me for "updates" - so I had to put my phone on hold.
Spain, Portugal, USA, Sweden, wherever we build a plant, they are asking me for solutions and answers. That's cool.
But depression is eating me up. I wish I could see the positive of what I am doing, instead I have the tendency to focus on all the shit that I lack to do.

Read More

Escape AKA Pushing The Pause Button

I have been mentioning the term "to escape" a lot of times, but I have never really described it.
When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions.
In general I have a lot of options to do that:
Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too)
Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often.
To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need to get that stopped.
To drink alcohol. I have done that also, mainly in the beginning of my mental breakdown. And that's a really bad idea, cause it also inflicts with medication etc., and it gives the worst "moral hangover".

I think everybody, who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks has tried a lot of different things to escape from it. Cause its really the worst experience, as I have tied to describe in an earlier post. I guess other people has tried and found other ways to escape. Some perhaps smokes hash, some do harder drugs - fortunately I personally don't have that desire.

The problem with escaping is, that the problems, that you try to escape from, will still be there afterwords. Escape is just like pushing the pause button to your life. It does not resolve the problems, its just a pause.

According to my Psychologist it is okay to "push the pause button" once in a while, and we should forgive ourselves for that, when we have done it. We are only humans, and anxiety can really be so hard to fight, that escaping from ourselves in one way or another seems to be the only alternative to suicide.

Read More

Anxiety Attacks AKA Panic Attacks

Anxiety or panic attacks has control of me now. I do not control the attacks, they control me. With help from my Psychologist and the tools he gives me, I work on twisting that around.
I continue research. As famous people during history has said:

• Knowledge is power (Sir Francis Bacon)
• The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance (Socrates)

I think anxiety has been following me throughout childhood. It is buried deep inside of me. And that's the reason, that I try to escape.
The question is: how do you escape from a panic attack(?)
Normal people feel fear in dangerous situations. First thing in a mind of a person in fear is flee - run away from the "thing" that is threatening you.

But we who suffer from panic and anxiety attacks - we have to flee from ourselves. Because the dangerous situations is in our minds, and the people we hate the most is ourselves - so I guess the "question" for today is:" how do we escape from ourselves?"

Read More

My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself....
But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you".
Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone.
It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good.

I miss the time, when he was telling me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was - not only beautiful as "pretty" - but beautiful as a person. He noticed, and made it worth to me, that I have an amazing empathy for other living beings. Not just people, but a little duck in the pond, a little dog on the road... And of course especially people in general.
But I guess, that he noticed that so especially, because he lacks empathy himself. My ex boyfriend (as my Psychologist told me) must have an empathy disorder, caused by being a psychopath or a narcissist. Otherwise he would not be capable to do to me, what he did.

Despite of everything he has done to me, I still miss him. Especially as a friend. Before we met in real life, we had the most wonderful talks ever. I miss talking to him most of all.
And after we met in real life and moved in together, I miss laying my head on his shoulders in the evening, feeling the heat from his body and falling asleep knowing, that he would take care of me.
Fact is: He actually never did take care of me... When I was sick, he never made me a soup or a cup of tea. But just the feeling that he was there, made me feel good.

I guess what I miss, is the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Someone I can rely on, a best friend, someone to hold me tight and give me a big hug. Someone to come home to. Someone to fall asleep with.

I realize, that what my ex boyfriend was doing was all a lie. I should have realized that, when he (before we met) told me, that "the truth is relative." I'm just too stupid, I  always want to believe in the best of a person.

I still miss him though - ignorant and stupid I must be - but I miss my ex boyfriend. Or... I miss what he represented to me: a husband to come home to, someone to feel close to, a best friend.

Read More

My boys goals canged after his father died

According to my Psychologist I have changed a lot lately. My boy has too.
When he was 6 and until he his father died, he wanted to educate himself as veterinarian. It was  a big change for me to hear, that he changed his wish to be in IT.
I know, where that wish came from. Shortly after his father died, he pronounced, that he wanted to be in IT (just like my ex boyfriend.)
My boy had found a new "father figure", that he wanted to be like.
I wonder, if that will change, now that my boyfriend has left us in that horrible way. But as everything else, only time will show.

Read More

Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today.
He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials called me to reschedule, I told her, that I didn't accept that. I couldn't go on vacation and be speculating about that meeting. I didn't want that - so she had to take overtime to go to us a bit later. And the outcome was perfect. She closed the case.
My Psychologist was very "proud" of me for doing that, it showed some fighting, and that is what I am doing. All the time. I just don't feel that what I do is good enough.

My Psychologist told me, that I still have to accept, that I am sick. I am on an emotional rollercoaster - I will have bad days and less bad days ;-)
My ex boyfriend took our life and future, and in one second crumbled it like a piece of paper and threw it into a waste basket. It is only natural, that I broke down because of that, but despite of all my ex did to me, I have went from a total mental breakdown to actually be functioning on daily basis. He was impressed, that despite of the fact, that I had been hit by a neutron bomb (that was his exact words) I was still standing.

We talked a bit about that BTW. If my ex boyfriend was a psychopath, narcissist, or suffering from some kind of empathy disorder. As I told my Psychologist: the description of all of those sicknesses, in general that can fit into anybody. My Psychologist responded with the fact, that yes of course it can, if you break the sickness into little pieces. What is important is "amount of damage done, frequency and afterward behavior".
So... Unfortunately psychopath is probably what I have been "hit by".

He also reminded me of the fact, that I climbed from a total mental breakdown, to now actually be a person, who is managing to take care of all the basics.

But here is the trap for me apparently. I don't want to do "just basic" stuff, like making sure, that the kids gets a good meal, they have clean clothes, and they do their homework - and of course manage my job. I also want to get stuff done around the house.
My Psychologist once again had to remind me, that I demand way to much from myself. I have to accept, that I am sick, and that I will get better more quickly, if I take the time to relax that I need to.

So once again... I'll do just the necessary stuff, and (try) not to worry about the rest of it.

Read More

I'm Bleeding Again

I can't believe it, I have started to bleed again. It's not like when I had the violent hemorrhage, now it feels more like a normal period. But its not 28 days since I last had the hemorrhage, so... I really need to get checked out, because something can have went wrong, when I had the abortion - I just don't have the energy. Besides they can't check me, when I'm bleeding.
Tiredness is overwhelming, I guess its both from the sickness during the weekend and the period. And besides, its not like I'm overweight, and I lack appetite to eat still.
I have to start working after the vacation today. I don't feel up to it at all, physically, but I miss my work and my colleagues. So despite of everything, I think its going to be a good day.

Read More

I Feel I'm At The Finish Line

My healt is, as I previous told you, not in very good condition. After my mental breakdown, I lost a lot of weight, and even though I have gained some of it back, I seem to attract all the bad stuff out there.
Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!!
I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running, until my boy closed it.
I get the weirdest dreams, and wake up bathing in sweat totally confused. I don't know, if the dream was real or not. First something about my ex boyfriend still being here in the house, and when I woke up, I couldn't find him. The something about me traveling to his current location dressed up as a soldier, armed and "dangerous" to threaten him to give me my pictures and files... Geez.

I'm of course vomiting again, and I can't hold anything down. So I guess my weight is climbing down again!
I feel worthless. I should take care of my children, but I can't right now. Even the very thought of food makes my stomach twist and turn. Fortunately they are big enough to make themselves lunch etc., but the thought of me not doing it, makes me feel bad.

I'm so tired of fighting. I feel I have had enough of life.

Read More

My Ex Husband

I miss my husband so much right now.
Even though "king alcohol" took him in possession totally in the end, which made him a horrible person - I knew he was in there somewhere.
I wish so much, that I could have done something more to help him...
My doctor (which was also my husbands doctor) says, that I did everything possible to help him. But he couldn't fight the desire to drink.
When he didn't drink too much, he was the most wonderful person on earth. When he drank too much however, very bad things happened.
My mom constantly tells me, that I did whatever I could. I visited him in jail several times, when he was there for driving under the influence of alcohol. I paid all the tickets, that he got, for driving under the influence. I tried to get him into AA. But he would not, or perhaps he could not!

All this is about my husband, when he did not drink:
He was the most wonderful person. He was SO talented in his field of building, he was never out of a job. Everybody in the building industry knew his name.
The firm, when he was last hired, had an engineer, who on his phone made calls from my husband say "gold team".

Read More

I Have The Worst Panic Attack This Morning

My little girl is on a sleep over at a friend. My boy is still sleeping. I'm in my "safe spot", which is the sofa, and I have managed to fire up the fireplace and make chamomile tea.
But anxiety is eating me up right now. I try to write my feelings out at the moment.
I'm so scared about the future. What will come next(?) It doesn't really feel like life has been good to us lately.
Will I ever be able to get on the other side of this(?)

There's so many thoughts building up inside...
I have to go to an examination to get my uterus checked after I had my Violent Hemorrhage.
Is there something wrong, since I had that - is that "something" the cause of my Miscarriage(?) Or is it after the abortion, something went wrong(?)

And what about the house(?) Will I be able to handle such a big house on my own(?) Or should I sell it and buy another smaller house(?) Even the thought of moving stresses me out. We have SO much stuff, packing it down seems like a never ending task. Not only our own stuff, but also the stuff from my ex boyfriend, and all the stuff we have, after the death of  the childrens father.

And will we ever be able to get our pictures back(?) I have - again - written a mail to my ex boyfriend in that matter, and of course I have still got no answer.

God, I cant handle all the shit right now, I will allow myself to escape to another place for a moment, and hope that I after a little while will manage to get rid of the anxiety and be able to get some stuff done in the house.

Read More

What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him.
After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either.

On the top of the piano, there's a sculpture made by my boy (I have to admit, that I don't really know what it is *smile*) - and a candlestick, also made by my boy, which is very beautiful. Both things was gifts for my boyfriend, but he didn't take those things with him.

So I guess now I see even more clearly, what was actually important to him. Or... Put in another way: I see what was NOT important to him.

The computer he cleaned out totally - look for yourself. I had this picture anyway, cause I am now in touch with my attorney to get my files back.
THATS what was important to him.
Computer hardware, that you can buy in any store!
Unique items, that children, that find you special enough to make a gift for you - that means nothing to him.
How cold and hardened can you be, when you find a gift from a child non important(?) 

I don't care about the hardware he took. I care about the files on that hardware. As I wrote before, it concerns not just files, the most important is pictures. Pictures from the last 10 years. And he still has not send it to me.

I realize, that we (the children and me) were not special to him. We meant nothing. We were just "tools".

Read More

Despite Of Anxiety I Got Out Of The House

I haven't been able to do much during my vacation. I have  a lot of plans, but I can't seem to find the energy or desire to make the work. I prefer to curl up in a corner of the sofa and sit under a big blanket, watch a movie, that I do not really follow - or escape into other places in computer games.
We went to my parents for a break from the surroundings at home. And it has been both good and less good to be there. Good because I don't have to worry about shopping, figuring out what to serve for dinner, cook etc.
Still the desire just to escape from the real world is there. I don't have the desire to be with other people or get out of the house. Noise is annoying me, I just prefer to be left alone.
However something should happen, and we decided to go to the movies. Well, the children and my mom decided, I just followed. As the time came closer to the moment, where we had to leave the house and get out into "the real world", I felt my anxiety building slowly but surely. I really had to force myself to think about it as a positive thing, instead of making my thoughts focus on excuses not to go.

When we finally got to the cinema, I got a rush of the feeling of missing my boyfriend. He should be there with us, like he always used to be. I missed him, but I managed to find my Psychologist tool: "remember what he did to you" - and then it was over.

We had a great evening. We were watching Gulliver's Travels btw, and had a lot of laughs. After the movie I felt better actually. Getting out, doing something, getting new input, that's really good for me. I know that, but its just a fight to do it each time.
But they say, that time heals all wounds - I know its true. I just wish it would go a little bit more fast!

Read More