I'm so tired in general - and I need more tests

Photo by: TinyApartmentCrafts I was discharged from the hospital Friday, and I really wish to travel. However my energy level is extremely low, I'm even scared to drive for more than 1 hour. Today I got a letter from the local hospital. Apparently I need to go to the University Hospital for more tests. It's more than 1,5 hour away, so in some sort of way, I will ironically get my wish to travel fulfilled. I really start to be feed up with...

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I want to travel - to forget the hospital and...

Photo by: Dominic ... all the bad things. "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do, than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Marc Twain...

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Visit to the heart specialist at the Hospital

I spend approximately an hour at the heart specialist at the hospital. Since then I have been carrying a mobile blood pressure measuring machine, and I feel pretty ridicules walking around with the buzzing and humming from the machine in my pocket, and the "breathing" from the thing around my arm. It measures my blood pressure and pulse each 15 minutes, and if something seems wrong, it measures an extra time. I'm supposed to carry the equipment for 24 hours, and I have absolutely no idea of how I am supposed to fall asleep. I haven't told the children...

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Medication sideeffects or is my heart really broken(?)

Photo by: emagineart Saturday evening didn't went as I expected. I didn't feel good, and as time went by, I felt worse and worse. So no piano for me, and all the rest of my plans for that evening went down the sewer. I felt like my inner engine was driving too fast, and my brain was frying. My body felt, like it wanted to run the marathon, but my brain was overworked and wanted to sleep. The staff kept taking my blood pressure, which was skyrocketing,...

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I have been moved to the depression deparment :-)

Photo by: JoshSemans Finally they got open spaces at the depression department of the mental hospital. Both me and my friend have been standing by all day to be moved, and now we are finally in an environment of peace and quiet. The "excitement" in the other part of the mental hospital was hand able, however there was fights in the hallway during the night, so I haven't slept much. During lunch, the screaming girl got an epileptic episode,...

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I have made a friend :-) And the pants guy has escaped :-)

2 escapes in 24 hours - well this time I'm happy, if they don't get him. Suddenly the guy, that was in my room with his pants open, escaped. I don't really know how he escaped, cause I was in my room, when I heard the staff shouting and running down the hallway. Well, it makes it less scary to be here, however the guy is of course in the need of help, so I do hope they catch him for his own good. I just wish, that we could lock our rooms for guys like him. However, there is a new patient today (or maybe yesterday late evening - I didn't see him...

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I wish we had lock on our doors here

Even though there's screaming and fights, no one has ever touched me here. The little guy with the blue plastic bags on his feet, who "arrested" the people with the food wagon the other day, is totally harmless, but loud. I have now figured out, what the deal is, with the food wagon. He is so scared of everything, that he uses this big metal wagon to barricade his door! Today he was not the police, no he was the main stockholder in the biggest company of the country. And he owned the hospital, so... They should let him have the food wagon. Poor...

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I didnt know my heart could break into more pieces

Photo by: dlkinney I got some news this afternoon, that totally shook the ground underneath me. When the hospital staff saw me, they immediately game me relaxation medicine. I am SO disappointed in everyone around me.  Apparently I have been degraded to a brick in the game, that everyone around me feels the right to move around accordingly to their own wishes....

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Yawn - highlights of this day at the mental hospital

Photo by: Highway Patrol Images The best thing that happened today, was I talked with my little girl on the phone. I miss my children SO much, but its hard to talk on the phone, cause I of course can't tell her about the stuff that goes on here, that would just scare her. So I listen to her stories, but I can't really contribute with something nice other than talking part of her daily day, asking a couple of questions here and there, to keep...

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Well, if you are not insane, you will become it here

Photo by:  rocksss This part of the mental hospital is definitely not for kids. It's nothing like I have seen the last time. I stay mainly in my room, with my headset on, and high music or a movie turned up loud. When I go smoking, I can't close out this world of course. Then I see and hear the others... One man spends his entire time here looking into a wall. Literally he is simply looking into the wall - all day. A girl just across the...

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I can't do anything right

- not even killing myself. And what happens, when you try to do that, and don't succeed(?) Well, you do not end up in the morgue, you end up in the mental hospital. So here I am, once again. I don't feel the desire to write a lot. Just give a little practical info. I was brought in by ambulance the night between thursday and friday. Since I was wearing no pants (among other things, I tried to cut the veins in my thighs), I don't have any pants or shoes. I don't have my phones, I can't even call my family. But well, after all I have put them through...

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The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....

...so help me God! Sometimes I feel, that I am getting better. But then I have fall backs, like yesterday. I wanted to kill myself, but the f****** knives in this house, that I have rented, is not sharp enough. I tried to cut my veins in my arm and my leg, but it was not possible. I feel bad for my children, to have a mom like me. I'm the only one they have left, and I am such a fuck up. I try to "hide" behind a big smile and stupid jokes. Its...

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My period always comes with memories....

Photo by: victoriapeckham I know all women has more or less bad times during their period. For me it brings memories of the miscarriage I had, and the abortion I had to go through alone. It also reminds me of what "should have been" - how I wish life should have formed for all of us - and the fact that it didn't end up, as I dreamed it should be. I wish I could get over those thought, and most times I am successful in my acceptance, that life...

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A bit of pictures from our relaxation spot

We don't spend most of our times indoors, that was actually not the point either. Most of the time we spend at the water. However its nice to have a good nice relaxing place to come home to in the evening, when we have been outside most of the day. The living room is comfy, and the huge windows all over the place makes the sun come shining through, bringing good mood to everybody. The black leather in the living room is not to my taste, but the furniture...

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Oh Freedom :-) We have yet a new location

This picture does actually not give justice to the house we have rented for the week. It's a wonderful house, close to the waters, and its bigger than you assume from the picture. We have each our room with double beds, and 2 porches, where we can enjoy the sun.There's no problems with hunting the children to take a bath, my little girl has already been into the jacuzzi 3 times - lol. We haven't used the sauna yet, cause the weather has been...

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I have been discarged from the mental hospital :-)

This is the best picture ever. Yes, I know the quality of the picture is not good at all, but this has been my "residence" for 15 days, and look at the bed... Nothing there... And all the flowers I got, has been thrown out. I took this picture, when I waited for my mom to pick me up and take me home from the mental hospital :-) I still have to be on sick leave for 3 weeks, but just the very thought of not being locked up 24 hours a day, is wonderful. My...

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I'm so frustrated still to be in the mental hospital

First of all: I am having a really bad day, which of course has a big influence on my thoughts. It's very frustrating to be committed to the mental hospital, I don't really feel any better, no progress at all. The nurses and my mom tries to talk me out of my worries, more or less successful. How do they know, that this medication will work(?) The last apparently didn't, so why did they choose this new medication for me - why not another one(?)... Shouldn't...

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Again too much time to think in the mental hospital

Photo by: jkirkhart35 My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend. Why(?) Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-) The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection. When we "met" online,...

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Family evening at the mental hospital

I haven't felt like writing for some days, so my "diary" miss some pages. I will however try to make up for it, by telling a bit about what has happened since I last wrote. When something happens, cause it would be a lie to tell you, that life in a mental hospital is filled with action. Wednesday evening there was family evening here. My mom and the children came to visit me, we got coffee/lemonade and cake, and after that we had the chance to do...

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At the mental hospital theres too much time to think

My thoughts is my worst enemy. If I don't stop myself from thinking, by distracting myself or escape somehow, I go into a thought spin, that mainly ends up with hating myself, kicking my own butt: "should have, would have, could have..." It's so easy to see the all the mistakes after wards, all the signs, that I have overlooked - or perhaps even have chosen to overlook. And that goes both for my ex husband, and my ex boyfriend. I was so scared to...

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Psychiatrist: I have to stay at the mental hospital

I have been tired all day, I didn't sleep very well. The task from yesterday was very har for me, to write an "emotional/psychological curriculum vitae". I haven't been able to finish it yet, and it was shocking to me, to see all the shit in writing - and I'm not even finished...  I saw the Psychiatrist today, and once again we had the talk about all the shit that has been happening. Talk about my medication change, and how I felt after...

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"Daily life" at the mental hospital

Right now I'm SO down, cause I wont see my little girl today - my mom's car has broken down! One of the worst things about being here is the sorrow of not being able to hug and kiss my children. Fortunately my big boy was here after school today (he studies in this town), so at least I have seen one familiar face today. I am able to manage to keep up a big smile while they are here, and also when they leave - but after the doors close behind them, I allow myself to let the tears com...

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Feelings about being at a mental hospital

I have been writing a lot about the fact, that I am now committed to the mental hospital, how they have changed my medication, and how they have moved me around. I still lack to tell you my point of view of being here, how difficult it is to accept, that I need the help, that the hospital can provide. How does it actually feel to be hospitalized as a mentally sick patient(?) The first day, I was at another place in the hospital. When they moved...

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Mental hospital: I have been moved

I was moved to another part of the mental hospital, cause apparently the first "residence" I was committed to, was for observation and emergency care of mental patients. My room does not differ much from the first one I got - except I dont have any "lovely" pictures on the wall ;-) Here's my new "presidential suite" - lol. Just like with the first room I got, I have my own bathroom connected to my roo...

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I was comitted to the mental hospital yesterday

This is my new "residence", wonderful picture on the wall, isn't it(?) Sorry I didn't make the bed, but I have climbed back into it right now, so I didn't see the point. They have given me some new medication today, but I cant remember the name of it. I really hate to take something, that I don't really know what is. One of the nurses has however promised to bring me a list of the new stuff, so I can google it. I wish I had better news, but......

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Panick attacks comes like lightening from clear sky

Yesterday I was actually having a "medium" day, and I finally had something to look forward to, so I didn't expect this coming at all. I'm trying to figure out, why I got such an enormous attack, that it lead me to get the wish to cut myself, which I managed to not do. However then I turned to another escape, the alcohol - which I cant drink while I'm on the "bus". So I took one glass of wine, drank half of it, and then felt my body totally rejecting it, making me feel even worse. So I took some relaxation medication and finally fell asleep. I...

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A little light starts to take form

Getting out in the garden yesterday, doing just a little work, was really good for me. My thoughts started to go in another direction. I have had absolutely no idea of what to do about Easter Vacation until then. All our previous vacations had one destination, and that was to my ex boyfriends country, a lovely place - so we could also visit his family. Before that, we have always been camping, but I cant do the camping myself, and it does not interest...

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A new start, new dreams for the future starts to take form

After my total mental breakdown, after the dissociation phase, it has all been darkness and a sorrow so deep, that a future was totally impossible to even think about. I was living from moment to moment. When I was falling asleep, it was with the hope never to wake up again. After the visit from the psychiatrist team today, I went outside in the sunshine to clear my brain. I didn't think about anything particular, but started to clean a little weed, looking at the flowers, that starts to fight their way up through the dirt and bring a little sunshine...

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Third visit from the psychiatrist team: little steps

The Psychiatrist and I talk a lot about taking little steps at a time, not to force anything, because then it would be one step forward and two steps back, and I would never get any better. It is very hard for me to accept, that I can't do all the stuff, that I would like to do, and I blame myself and have a horrible consciousness about not doing something else, but the basics, for the children. My friend and neighbor was not at the meeting today. As I explained the psychiatrist, I also think my friend is starting to loose patience with me - however...

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My sons birthday with my parents

Saturday we had my parents coming to coffee, buns and cake. I didn't do all the different kinds of cakes that I'm used to, but it was totally okay. Doing the cake was slightly difficult for me, since my boy wished for the mint layered cake - something I invented for my boyfriend actually, since he loved mint so much. But it was a great success, and everybody got full, no need to worry about making so much different stuff. In the evening everybody was so full, so we just ate the rest of the buns and had our normal candies and snack evening - where...

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My sons birthday: going out is a struggle

My son had chosen to go bowling and after that, we should have dinner at a Chinese restaurant on his birthday. So we all dressed up and went to the bowling center. I felt the normal slight anxiety getting in there with all the other people, but I just had to, and tried not to look anybody in the eyes. Already at the counter, it started, since the owner of the center has children that goes to school with my children. So she asked, if I was starting to feel better, and I didn't really knew what to answer - so I just told her, as it is, that "I have...

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Memories of my ex boyfriend was everywhere at first...

- but now it seems to finally begin to lighten. Each time I opened the freezer, there was huge packs of meat, so I could prepare the big meals necessary, when you are cooking for a family of 4, where the husband and the big teenager are heavy eaters. Seeing that in the freezer also brought memories from the time, when we went to the store buying it all the 4 of us... But little after little we have used it up, and the memories from that start to...

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Second visit from the Psychiatrist Team

Today we talked about the most important for me right now. At the end of the first meeting, I got a patient guide in psychoeducation, listing all the things that's normally very difficult for a person, who has just had a total mental breakdown. There's three things in focus for me right now on that list, and that's: food fresh air sleep/relaxation All the other things is of course also important, but it's those 3 I have to focus on. Well, some of the points of the list is naturally connected in one way or another - like reducing stress and pressure...

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I have been so tired lately and had no desire to write

I have my period, fortunately normally this time. But I get so tired, when I have it, I sleep almost all the time - so I feel bad for the children, since I don't have the energy to do something active with them. Each time I get my period, it reminds me about the miscarriage. Reminds me, that I now should have been a mom again, and all the thoughts about the future, that I was dreaming of, was shattered by the man, that I loved so much. I have a visit from the Psychiatrist Team today, and I hope they have some news about my medication. It takes...

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Second and final danceshow

We had to be there at 9.30 am, and I really had troubled psychologically to get ready. I had been awake since 5 this morning, but couldn't manage to do anything, but just laying under the duvet in the living room. I just want to lay there, eyes open or closed, does not matter. If there's a movie running, I don't really see it. It's just there as a distraction. But I managed to get ready just in time, and we went to the show for the in march. After that there was almost 2 hours, where others should preform, so we chose to go home meanwhile. My...

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First Visit From The Psychiatrist Team

I was so scared before the meeting with the Psychiatrist Team. Not because I thought they would bite me, but I'm scared, that they are not able to help me. Thank God my lovely neighbor and friend was there to help me through that day. To me, this is the last step. If they can't help me, there's no other options. Of course it was 2 sweet people, that came here. They told me shortly, who they are and how they work, and after that I had to - once again - go "rough"  through my "emotional Curriculum Vitae." God it's hard to do that each time. After...

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Cutting

I cant escape. There's no way out of here. Dealing with feelings is so difficult, I can't handle it. There is some escapes, that I turn to from time to time, as I have described before. Taking too much relaxation medication is my preferred, drinking alcohol is another (but since I'm on the Antabuse, its impossible).  But I can't be here, I don't want to be here, I want to get out of here.... I don't feel like a whole person - I'm just a shell. Living...

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A New Family Member(?)

We have decided to get another family member - a kitten. It's just difficult, since our cat "Kitty" is very nervous - especially after we had the dog. So we are looking for a kitten, that is not too old - 8-10 weeks. Hopefully it wont scare our Kitty. There is no kittens available online for now - only "older" kittens, like 6 months+. We can't risk that. We don't want to make this a fight for Kitty to be in her house. She has already experienced that, and now she is finally feeling that the whole house is access able. However  spring is coming...

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I Feel Trapped

I don't really care where I end up, when I die. Nothing can be worse than this. I think I wrote it once before, I think hell is here on earth. Heaven(?) I don't know what to believe anymore. If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to end this. But I can't do that to my children. So I'm trapp...

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I See No Future

Everyone tells me, that I have to keep fighting. And I do. I fight each and every day. I manage to do the basics, and according to my Psychologist that is actually more, than you can expect from a person in my psychological state. I feel finished.I have no energy - I have no desire to fight anymore. Thursday I have an appointment with the Psychiatrist Team. I hope they have some good "offers". I have lost trust in any person. I don't see any future or meaning with life. I'm simply broken......

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Are You Ready To Date(?)

- or something like that was written on an advertisement, I saw on an internet site I visited today. The advertisement also said something like: " you know yourself and your wishes - let us find the perfect match for you, who shares the same wishes as you." Shortly after I read that, I went to the dance show with my children, and didn't really think about it, until I started to notice some men looking at me and smiling at me. I wished the earth would open up underneath me and swallow me! I was scared to be among so many people first of all, but...

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We Are Going To A Danceshow Today - Anxiety....

My little girl takes danceclasses, and now the team is going to preform a danseshow today. Since its in another city, we have to drive there, and of course I want to see her preform on stage. However anxiety is hard on me, I'm scared to even get out of the house. I'm scared to be in a room filled with people... I', scared I will have a panic attack up there... But I can't let my little girl down, so I simply have to get it together and force myself to do this. It's not going to be easy - but well, life is not easy at all. I wish I had someone to...

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Theres One Neighbor I'm Scared Of

He started by calling me, while my friend was visiting this morning, so I chose not to take the call. However he called half an hour later, while the children and my friend was sorting some of my ex husbands things. I answered that call, and it was obvious, that he had been drinking heavily.  He wanted me to come over, but I refused, and I had difficulties to get him off the phone without being impolite. I told the children and my friend what happened. My friend already knew the particular neighbor was drunk, so they were all watching out...

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I have been sick - but mentally I start to feel a bit better

I haven't been writing for some days now, I have been running a fever again and spend most of my time sleeping and having the worst dreams. However today I managed to get to work, and after lab work was done, I went back to work from home. I feel better in my "safe spot." I worked until 17, but after that I actually also managed to do some work around the house since dinner was already made. It's nice, to start to feel a little bit of excitement. A little spark of desire to actually do something, instead of just sitting crumbled together in a chair...

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Cleaning Up After My Ex Boyfriend And Husband

I think a little about my never ending "to-do-list". I haven't made an actual list, cause it will just make me scared to look at it! But I start to feel the need to clean up after my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. Get rid of the stuff, that does not really belong here anymore. Stuff after my ex husband We have a lot of stuff stored in the garage and the heating room, which was put there after the death of my ex husband. I can't demand him to clean it up of course, he has the perfect excuse! However going through his stuff is more easy, since...

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Depression Makes My Energy Level Low

After my mental breakdown, I was able to do a lot of stuff. I practically buried myself in work, both at my job and the building on the house. I guess it was also some kind of escape, or caused by the dissociation. Now depression is making every task almost impossible to get through, and anxiety and panic attacks takes a lot of the little energy that I have. I feel the need to sleep a lot, and even though I try to do so, I feel tired all the time. Even so, I managed to do some work around the house during the weekend. Since the sun was shining,...

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My Ex Boyfirend In My Childrens Oppinion

I have had several good talks with my children today :-) We started talking about one of our neighbors, which we are afraid of. (I'll probably go into details another day) The point is, that this talk lead to a talk about my ex boyfriend. I was quite surprised about their opinions on him... My little girl said: he never had time for us. He just used us. When my girl came to him with a problem on school work, my ex boyfriend never "had time." Her thought is, that he was just playing games, and that he had a site that he quickly flashed to, to prevent...

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Meeting With The Social Services Was SO Great

The social service had closed our case, but now we ourselves have opened it again by choice.We need help. But even so, I was so scared about the meeting today, that I was taking much relaxation medicine, and still I was shaking all over. Crying too, while we were waiting to get into the meeting. Our Social Worker saw me shaking and crying, and saw my mother cuddling me, and asked, if we needed some time to get through this, but I decided myself, that I would not get any better before this meeting was over - so we decided to get it done. My current...

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Starting Psychiatrist Team Treatment

I am so down in depression and anxiety now, that my Psychologist and my personal Doctor both have suggested that we get me into more heavy treatment. Not just a personal Psychiatrist, but to be followed by a team of Psychiatrists. I don't know the "concept" of this yet, but I will figure out, cause I had a phone conversation with my personal Doctor today and asked, that she started this up for me. At the same time I got more relaxation medicine. I'm not sure I will be able to win this battle... Sitting here alone, with the kids sleeping, the...

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I dont know anything at all

Love of my life, my soulmate You're my best friend Part of me like breathing Now half of me is left Color me blue I'm lost in you Don't know why I'm still waiting Many moons have come & gone Don't know why I'm still searching Now you're a song I love to sing Never thought it feels so free Now I know what's meant to be & that's okay with me I don't know anything at all & who am I to say you love me I don't know anything at all & who am I to say you need me I don't know anything at ...

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Psychologist Visit 7: I Need More Help

First of all, my visit to my Psychologist started out very bad. Even though I was in good time, 20 minutes before the meeting, I couldn't find a parking spot. I drove around the city, where they are rebuilding parking spots and roads all over - my GPS was at no help at all of course, since it does not know the twists and turns during building of new roads...

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Depression And Sorrow

After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog... Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90... I feel...

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If you consider ....

I ask you one more thing, if you can handle it. Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help other...

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I'm Down, Big Time Down

I have been down before, but this time... I don't know... I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another. I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough. There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on ear...

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Fighting Low Self Asteem And Depression

At work, we are discovering new ways of creating CO2 friendly energy. It's also wearing me out! But this will help with reducing not only CO2 emission, but also methane emission - which has a 22 times stronger effect.So it's big time important!!! I love to be a part of this - actually I have the main part in this, since my lab is the one running the first - now second and third results. Everyone is constantly calling me for "updates" - so I had to put my phone on hold. Spain, Portugal, USA, Sweden, wherever we build a plant, they are asking me...

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Escape AKA Pushing The Pause Button

I have been mentioning the term "to escape" a lot of times, but I have never really described it. When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions. In general I have a lot of options to do that: Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too) Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often. To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need...

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Anxiety Attacks AKA Panic Attacks

Anxiety or panic attacks has control of me now. I do not control the attacks, they control me. With help from my Psychologist and the tools he gives me, I work on twisting that around. I continue research. As famous people during history has said: Knowledge is power (Sir Francis Bacon) The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance (Socrates) I think anxiety has been following me throughout childhood. It is buried deep inside of me. And that's the reason, that I try to escape. The question is: how do you escape from a panic attack(?) Normal...

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My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself.... But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you". Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone. It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good. I miss the time, when he...

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My boys goals canged after his father died

According to my Psychologist I have changed a lot lately. My boy has too. When he was 6 and until he his father died, he wanted to educate himself as veterinarian. It was  a big change for me to hear, that he changed his wish to be in IT. I know, where that wish came from. Shortly after his father died, he pronounced, that he wanted to be in IT (just like my ex boyfriend.) My boy had found a new "father figure", that he wanted to be like. I wonder, if that will change, now that my boyfriend has left us in that horrible way. But as everything...

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Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today. He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials...

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I'm Bleeding Again

I can't believe it, I have started to bleed again. It's not like when I had the violent hemorrhage, now it feels more like a normal period. But its not 28 days since I last had the hemorrhage, so... I really need to get checked out, because something can have went wrong, when I had the abortion - I just don't have the energy. Besides they can't check me, when I'm bleeding. Tiredness is overwhelming, I guess its both from the sickness during the weekend and the period. And besides, its not like I'm overweight, and I lack appetite to eat still. I...

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I Feel I'm At The Finish Line

My healt is, as I previous told you, not in very good condition. After my mental breakdown, I lost a lot of weight, and even though I have gained some of it back, I seem to attract all the bad stuff out there. Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!! I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running,...

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My Ex Husband

I miss my husband so much right now. Even though "king alcohol" took him in possession totally in the end, which made him a horrible person - I knew he was in there somewhere. I wish so much, that I could have done something more to help him... My doctor (which was also my husbands doctor) says, that I did everything possible to help him. But he couldn't fight the desire to drink. When he didn't drink too much, he was the most wonderful person on earth. When he drank too much however, very bad things happened. My mom constantly tells me, that I...

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I Have The Worst Panic Attack This Morning

My little girl is on a sleep over at a friend. My boy is still sleeping. I'm in my "safe spot", which is the sofa, and I have managed to fire up the fireplace and make chamomile tea. But anxiety is eating me up right now. I try to write my feelings out at the moment. I'm so scared about the future. What will come next(?) It doesn't really feel like life has been good to us lately. Will I ever be able to get on the other side of this(?) There's so many thoughts building up inside... I have to go to an examination to get my uterus checked after...

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him. After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either. On...

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Despite Of Anxiety I Got Out Of The House

I haven't been able to do much during my vacation. I have  a lot of plans, but I can't seem to find the energy or desire to make the work. I prefer to curl up in a corner of the sofa and sit under a big blanket, watch a movie, that I do not really follow - or escape into other places in computer games. We went to my parents for a break from the surroundings at home. And it has been both good and less good to be there. Good because I don't have to worry about shopping, figuring out what to serve for dinner, cook etc. Still the desire just to...

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