My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself....
But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you".
Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone.
It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good.

I miss the time, when he was telling me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was - not only beautiful as "pretty" - but beautiful as a person. He noticed, and made it worth to me, that I have an amazing empathy for other living beings. Not just people, but a little duck in the pond, a little dog on the road... And of course especially people in general.
But I guess, that he noticed that so especially, because he lacks empathy himself. My ex boyfriend (as my Psychologist told me) must have an empathy disorder, caused by being a psychopath or a narcissist. Otherwise he would not be capable to do to me, what he did.

Despite of everything he has done to me, I still miss him. Especially as a friend. Before we met in real life, we had the most wonderful talks ever. I miss talking to him most of all.
And after we met in real life and moved in together, I miss laying my head on his shoulders in the evening, feeling the heat from his body and falling asleep knowing, that he would take care of me.
Fact is: He actually never did take care of me... When I was sick, he never made me a soup or a cup of tea. But just the feeling that he was there, made me feel good.

I guess what I miss, is the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Someone I can rely on, a best friend, someone to hold me tight and give me a big hug. Someone to come home to. Someone to fall asleep with.

I realize, that what my ex boyfriend was doing was all a lie. I should have realized that, when he (before we met) told me, that "the truth is relative." I'm just too stupid, I  always want to believe in the best of a person.

I still miss him though - ignorant and stupid I must be - but I miss my ex boyfriend. Or... I miss what he represented to me: a husband to come home to, someone to feel close to, a best friend.