Family evening at the mental hospital

I haven't felt like writing for some days, so my "diary" miss some pages. I will however try to make up for it, by telling a bit about what has happened since I last wrote. When something happens, cause it would be a lie to tell you, that life in a mental hospital is filled with action.

Wednesday evening there was family evening here.
My mom and the children came to visit me, we got coffee/lemonade and cake, and after that we had the chance to do some activities together.

The weather was not pretty good, so we decided to stay indoors and use the facilities, that we have here.
We were playing ping pong at the table tennis table, I know this picture is a bit blurry, but that's actually my intention.
After table tennis, we took several rounds at the football table. We had a lot of fun, and it was difficult to see them leave.

After wards I was very tired. When the children are here, I try to put up a positive face, and master to put on a smile.

It's general for people with depression, we are damn good actors, we could win an Oscar for pretending to be happy, cause we are actually able to "fool" everybody around us - even the people who knows us the best. However it takes a lot of energy to put up a smiley face and act normal, when you are falling apart inside. 
I can master that for some hours now, but no longer all day, as I used to. That's also a big part of me being tired all the time - as well a depression makes you tired, and panic attacks can actually take the energy of a whole day.

The staff here tells me, that I am worn out emotionally as well as physically. I guess they are right, and I feel that it helps me to be here in some way.
On the other hand, It gives me bad consciousness to be here, I feel that I let everybody down. My children especially, my family in general (since my mom has to stay in my house with the children.)
And then there's my work, my colleagues....

Everybody tells me, that its a "human right" to be sick.
And the people, who knows me the best tell me: "you know, that if you were a familymember/friend/colleague to a person, in your own condition, your big heart would be the first one to understand and be helpfull.
Why cant you project the same compassion and understanding for yourself(?)

Well, it's definitely more easy for me to be the one to help others, than to be the one who needs help. That's just how it is.