My period always comes with memories....

Photo by: victoriapeckham

I know all women has more or less bad times during their period.
For me it brings memories of the miscarriage I had, and the abortion I had to go through alone.

It also reminds me of what "should have been" - how I wish life should have formed for all of us - and the fact that it didn't end up, as I dreamed it should be.

I wish I could get over those thought, and most times I am successful in my acceptance, that life didn't bring me what I wished for. 

But with my period comes all the thoughts...

I should have been a mom again. There should be a little toddler sleeping in a baby carriage right now, the dog should be running arround in the house or garden, destroying all our stuff ;-)
I should have had a husband by my side, with whom I could share all the nature experiences here - enjoying a bath with in the jacuzzi... And after a long day falling asleep on his shoulder.

I wrote a short note to my ex boyfriend yesterday - silly me!
I know it was stupid, but I was wondering how he is doing. I can't just let totally go of my feelings for a man, with whom I have shared several years of my life. I think it's only natural, that you worry and care about a person, that you have spend so much time with.
But apparently he is able to have no feelings at all for me.
Maybe it's true, that he hates me - or maybe he does, like I now do with my feelings the most of the time: puts up a steel fence around my heart and let nobody inside.
Or maybe he really is, what my psychologist suggested, a person without empathy.
Perhaps he really is able to have done to me, what he did - and then run away, forget all about me, and start up a new life with a new girl...

I know I am stupid, but I always want to see the best in people. Even though he practically destroyed me, he also brought me some of the best times of my life, and it is my sincere hope, that he is doing well.

I still get mails for him at the house, and I forward it to his brothers house, where he is (or has been) living. I don't even know, if he is still living there. So also for practical reasons, it would be nice to hear something from him. And all his stuff... My attorney says, I can throw it out, however - I find it hard to just throw it all away. I have tried to ask my ex, but I never get an answer. Like I have been writing before, maybe he really doesn't care about anything.

I don't really know what to do, when I come home from vacation. I will still be on sick leave from the job, but I need to do something about my ex boyfriends stuff.
My neighbor, who has become my best friend ever, tells me to just throw away all of it, and don't give a damn about it. I'm perhaps too emotional about it - too emotional about everything. As one of my other best friends told me: "I have never met another person, who has as big a "heart", as you."
Well, that big heart also comes with a lot of speculations, which ended up putting me in the "mad house".

Sometimes I really wish, I could be cold and hard, and not give a damn about other peoples feelings and desires.

God I am rambling on and on... I'll spare you for more now and just end up with one finally conclusion: See: "When I get my period, I really get sucked into bad thoughts."