Are You Ready To Date(?)

- or something like that was written on an advertisement, I saw on an internet site I visited today.
The advertisement also said something like: " you know yourself and your wishes - let us find the perfect match for you, who shares the same wishes as you."

Shortly after I read that, I went to the dance show with my children, and didn't really think about it, until I started to notice some men looking at me and smiling at me.
I wished the earth would open up underneath me and swallow me! I was scared to be among so many people first of all, but to have men smiling at me... I was not prepared for that.
Fortunately I had my big boy next to me - he is really starting to be big now - when we were driving to the dance show, we joked about him being our "bodyguard".
But its not a total joke - if he had not been there, I don't know, what I would have done. It just feels wrong somehow - my son is protecting his mother - not like it used to be. Me, as a mother, protecting my son.
Well, lets just say, that there was a lot of potential boyfriends there, but I am not ready. I'm scared. I don't know what scares me the most... To start loving another person again (and risk getting treated like waste), or to never fall in love again.

When we came home, I did however make a false profile on a free dating site - just to take a look at "what is out there". My little girl saw me looking, and even though I told her, that I am just looking, I'm not planning on doing anything, she said the wise words:
"Didn't you find our step dad on the internet(?)"
(She means my ex boyfriend, who left without a goodbye)

We had a good talk about that. And as I have told both my children, I am not ready to date anybody. I'm scared now. My last boyfriend turned into something, that I don't know what was. We started by being the best friends, we could talk about everything. We were so much in love. Well, so I thought. To him, I guess it was just an opportunity to leave a world, that he didn't like, for some years. And we were his tools.

I have lost it once before I've pulled myself up from the floor
And I am looking for a reason to stay standing
But sometimes it's just too much or not enough or something else
It's so much bigger than my head, it's too demanding

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to go slow
And sometimes if you wanna hold on you got to let go