I still lack to tell you my point of view of being here, how difficult it is to accept, that I need the help, that the hospital can provide. How does it actually feel to be hospitalized as a mentally sick patient(?)
The first day, I was at another place in the hospital. When they moved me, I didn't notice at first, that this is a closed department.
Look at this picture of my window! Geez, I can't even open it more than a couple of inches.
When my friend came to see me yesterday, I figured out, that I can't get out of here, without supervision! This is absolutely not what I agreed to...
But apparently they think I am suicidal, so I am not allowed to leave on my own, but since my friend was with me, I was in her "supervision", and it was her responsibility to bring me back...
When we left, they asked when we expected to be back. I said, "well the bars closes around 5 am, so I guess we will be back after that, if we do not fall asleep on a bench on our way back!" God, they seem to lack a total sense of humor here.
So being at the mental hospital, that is not a joyride, that's for sure.
It was my doctor, psychologist, the psychiatric team and my moms decision to finally do this, since my depression didn't seem to get any better. And I was exhausted out of my mind...
I couldn't eat, I was tired all the time but could not sleep. I tried to work my way through it, but I was simply too exhausted and fell into deep anxiety and depression.
So the point of being committed to the mental hospital, was to take me away from my surroundings, where I felt overwhelmed with uncompleted tasks, and bring me into an environment of relaxation, where I shouldn't worry about anything else but getting back on track.
And well, even though it can sometimes feel like being in a jail, its also giving me space and relaxation. I am able to sleep, when I can, and I don't have to worry about all the everyday stuff, that has been to overwhelming. So all in all its perhaps not such a bad thing to be here.
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