Again too much time to think in the mental hospital

Photo by: jkirkhart35

My last post made me think about my ex boyfriend.
Why(?)
Because of 2 things. He loved to play the football table, he couldn't stand to loose however - that was fun times :-)

The other thing that made me think of him, was when I was writing about hiding emotions - and that we, depressed people, are "experts" in putting up a facade, when we are feeling down. And I think he also mastered that to perfection.
When we "met" online, our biggest strength was the conversations we shared. He was feeling bad about himself, me ditto. In the beginning it was never meant to be a real life commitment, but the connection between us grew stronger with each conversation we had.

We haven't been corresponding at all for a long time. He thinks it's the best way. He closes all connection, and protects himself that way.
I have chosen not to contact him anymore, I let him fly...


When we "met", he saw himself as a dark person, who only brought bad things to people around him.
Well, he most certainly did that to me when he left me like he did. But I also think, that he could not handle anymore. Just like I felt, when he left me, we broke down, both of us.
It was easy to hate him, after he left me in that way. But when I look back, he brought me so much happiness and safety - and I miss that. Even though his last actions was inexcusable, after a lot of thinking and evaluation, I really don't believe, that he is that horrible person, as he think he is.
As Plato wrote: "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." In some way I think, that my boyfriend was not allowing himself to be happy - not allowing himself to see the light. 
I have experienced the dissociation myself, and I actually think, that it is what my boyfriend lives in on daily basis.

Once he told me, that he put up a fence to protect himself. He does not let anybody inside. But slowly he let me in, and I only saw a wonderful person, who has been through a lot of stuff, that nobody should experience.  After he left me, he told me, that he made the mistake to let me in.
He puts up a shield to protect himself from harm - and after what he has been through, its only understandable.
I have previously been writing about theories of his actions, which I was researching after my psychologist's suggestions. Empathy disorder, narcissist, psychopath...

I don't believe that anymore. Maybe because I always want to see the good things in other people, maybe because I in some way still love and care for him. I don't know, how he is holding up right now, and even though I think about that a lot, I choose not to contact him anymore, and let him "fly". If he one day feels up to it, I guess he will contact me. But I don't expect that, and I'm certainly not sitting and waiting for him to contact me.

When he moved to my country, he was not well. And all the problems we had, was not between us, it came from the outside. From my ex husband especially. When we were living together, we had problems from the outside all the time, and at some point we stopped talking about it. We put up each our defenses, and chose to escape in each our own way.
Big mistake.
Our biggest strength was to have each other and the confidence we had in each other... But the outside problems piled up, and at some point we actually started to blame each other for the problems.

With love also comes the biggest hate. When you feel abandoned by a person you love so much, hate and punishment is the next feelings.
I feel so bad about the conversations we had, after he left me. However I had a total mental breakdown, and I was not able to see things clearly. I don't believe, that he was either.
I think he has put up all defenses now - he hates me - well... Maybe its a sort of defense. He accuse me of stuff, that I simply cannot relate to, gives me motives, that I don't even have. My thought about that is, that it is more easy for him that way.

It was hard in the beginning, to accept, that he left me in the way that he did. But I think, that I understand now, and I believe, that it is actually more hard on him to have done, what he did to me. My best bet is, that he lives his life constantly in the dissociation, and he escapes into a computer world, where the distance to people is easy to find.

I am now able to forgive him for what he did to me, even though his actions broke me down and is the cause of why I ended up here. I only wish, that I knew, if he is doing better. But as previously written, I do not contact him. If he one day decides to contact me - or at least lets me know, how he is coping, I will be grateful.  In the mean time I choose to let him "fly".