Will I make it out alive?

Yeah, despite my training and work with my own limitations caused by anxiety, depression and PTSS, I also have days like this, where I just don't see any other options, that the obvious stated.

This piece of music calms me down a bit, when sadness has the upper hand - to hear another person asking the same question, as I ask myself. Will this be the cause of my death(?) What's my future going to be like, if I can't work?

I guess the lyrics speaks for themselves, and I know many of you guys are tormented by the same lack af vision for the future. Just like I fo right now.

Don't start any alarming systems- it's a very very bad day, but I got my friends, (CC and Farmer)

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I still try to shake off depression

After an overload of pressure, I've sunk into a depressive state and needed some serious RnR, to get back to be able to hold my ground.

I certainly found a limit there. Just a bit of mental overload, and depression and anxiety is back.

I wanted to let you know, that I'm now off the couch. That was a fight not to just stay under the the duvet and pretend, that the rest of the world does not exist. Or even better; I don't excist.

It took me some time just to get there, and I'm trying to hold on the best I can.
I stay away from computers, phones - stats one of my "triggers" from my working days. Even though it is years ago, I simply can't handle the pressure that comes with computers and gadgets. PTSD / PTSS reactions comes instantly.
That's the reason you don't hear much from me right now.

During the day, I work with 2 schedules.
I have a sort of "must do" list, and a "can do".
Is given, the tasks on the must do lists it's the important, like take medication, breaks, even meals is in here - cause I tend to skip my meals due to lack of appetite.
And ofcourse the can do lists is assignments, that I can do, if I get inspired. (Right now I'm washing duvets for instance. The other day I was working in the garden...)

I'm slowly - but steady - taking in the world again bit by bit.

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Depressing rainy days with panic attacks

I know, it's the season changing, and it seems that I manage to "forget" that each year.

Everything is wet, cold, windy, rainy and grey, and it affects my mood big time.

SAD, seasonal effective disorder is normal in my country, and when you are depressed upf front, the season changes definately not help.

I've tried to get up, but doesn't really succeed. It's like I don't put my heart into fighting this right now. I wonder why.

I feel tired. Tired of fighting all the time to keep my head above water.

And now I have a period of panic attacks. Stomach cramps, an elephant sits on my breast, I can't breathe. I can't stay inside my body, I want out, but I can't. My skin is strange and every fiber in my body screams RUN, but where to(?)

I know I always say, that you can't force these things, and perhaps I need a bit more RnR, but at the same time I don't want this disease to take me prisoner.

But... the result is the same. I'm dressed, but other than feeding the animals, I have managed effectively to do absolutely nothing.

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I'm on a break from the world - dissociation

I discovered, I have a habit of escaping into a fantasy world, when the real world seems to hard to handle.

I am not totally disassociated, I'm well aware that the world I escape into is not real. But dissociation gives me the break from the true world, that I need.

And as always, I find a "magic world" or similar, to escape into. Anything but the real world will do!

I'm eating and sleeping a lot, and I have been for some days now, so I'm waiting a bit for the excitement to do something, will break in.

I feel, that I do not contribute enough, and the others had noticed, how hard I worked to get the house in order, they encouraged me to take a break. But I also start to feel their impatience (or maybe it's my own guild.)

I just know one thing for sure... If I'm not careful, if I force myself, I'm going to end up a lot worse.

So I'm still on a break with something as thrilling as "the magicians" and "Harry Potter."
Take care out there :-)

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Rest and Recreation

After all the stress around the house, I noticed, that my body has started to tell me, that something is off. Or maybe I have started to listen more!!!

No matter what, I have gone in RnR-mode, I rest a lot, I eat, and today I'll go thru my meds and check I've got everything on stock at home.

I'm not totally down - not at all. But I can't handle a lot of plans, I don't want to promise anything to anyone, I want to try to take it easy and just rest.

I'm filing the buttom of Maslow's pyramid og needs - sort of speak.

I'm primary resting, sleeping and walking in mature. I keep the house uncluttered, which is now a bit more easy, and I wash a load of clothes. Other than that, I just am.

Accepting my sickness, my weakness, was a challenge. But after that, it was a relief.
Now I live my life with the disease, which gives me much better results than stuffing pills in my mouth. Is a strength to know your weaknesses.
When you do, you can figure out how to work around it and how to live with it on daily basis.
Yes it requires sacrifices - but you gain so much more :)

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I managed to pull thru

So time is going by, and I have lots to tell.

First off, the house... The others were stressing me out, especially my BF. Things that I asked for so many times, should suddenly be brought in order.
I'm happy the job is done, but a bit sad, since it was not considered important last year! Now we are selling, and it's finally a priority...
However when we went out for dinner that day, I took my anxiety medication, and they apparently noticed that.
After that, I think they realized at that moment, they were actually making me "nutz," they were the cause of my stress and frustration.

A nice talk over the dinner, I hated we had to go to, made a huge difference. Especially cause I felt, they were finally listening to me.

I can't handle deadlines and pressure. 8 years ago I could handle anything, then it started to slide. My memory went down slowly, everything started to go down hill. Lack of protein at first and now the PTSS diagnose.

I wish to be back as before. Nothing could touch me. But I guess being beat up, cheated and neglected by "friends" and feeling left totally alone - makes your self esteem suffer and you wonder, if you are actually good at anything.
Fortunately I have a great mentor, she send me this...

I only knew the first lines. I didn't even think about asking the last question "is it my problem, or theirs."
Quite a good question, isn't it(?)

Well, I lost my self esteem and I was overworked for too long, I got PTSS and can't handle stress right now.
So everyone took on the job and helped all awake hours on getting everything in order.

I was so tired, I fell asleep before dinner some nights. The others woke me up to "feed me", and I could get up and work a bit more.
Finally the photographer from the real estate agent came, and no matter what... You can always do a bit better, but the pictures got taken and finally we could relax.

It felt good. No, it felt great not to give up. We succeeded, despite all odds.

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Chores and depression

It seems impossible to find a way to get off my couch and in gear.
Normally I would have played it safe and stayed put and relaxed, until this state passes.  That's the best way to avoid deeper depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

But since the house is up for sale, we have to keep it clean always, and besides, I know we're going to get visitors to look at the house during this week, so I really don't have a choise. So I'm forcing myself to get up and get started, but so far my body does not obey.

Putting pressure on oneself is a bad choise, but I don't really see another way. I also want to move so I can't just lean back and wait for everybody else to take over. I'm not that kind of person, and guess what... That has brought me into the exact same situation before, and depression and anxiety answered right away.

Didn't I learn something? Absolutely, but I'm going to be more sick, before I let "the team" down.

Well, my safe spot is ready to in case I need it. I better get the vacuum and get started.

I'll do like the old days, write here along my way, using my diary as a crouch.

4 hours later:
I've almost finished the kitchen, but theres still a way to go. People have started to pack boxes, but left I the middle if the task.
I've been at my safe spot several times, but can't relax. My thoughts keeps going "I should do this, and I should do that..."
Well, better get started again, that's better than to lay around speculating about it.

The others came home an hour late, while I was cleaning windows. I thought that this would be the end for a while and we would team up afterwards.
However they are getting ready to go out for dinner. That's nice of them, but it doesn't help my stress.
I needed an evening in my safe spot with comfort food and a good movie. Now they're getting dressed up, and so should I, even though every fiber insides me is screaming to stay at home
Why can't I just relax(?)

I chose to take 5 mg diazepam, and finally my brain could function on normal level. It is a medication like valium, that calms you down, you can get addicted to this, so it's not recommended to take it regularly.
But geez, I really needed that.

I finally felt relaxed, able to follow a conversation, cause my brain wasn't thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time.
I consumed a good portion of dinner, and felt calm about the thought of cleaning house.

So we actually ended up having a nice evening, and perhaps I'm even able to fall asleep for once. I surely hope so.

Thank you for holding my hand today, I wish you all a good night.

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Bump on the road or return of depression and anxiety(?)

It's sometimes difficult to figure out, what's going on, when you have a couple of bad days in a row. Where's the limit between a couple of bad days and the return of anxiety and depression(?)

I actually don't know, if any "measurement system" has been made, I have never seen or tried one, and never heard about it, so I really don't think so.

However after a good period, it's more than likely, you'll experience some bad days too. I certainly do.
It's important to remember not to give up because if that. Everyone has bad days, we just tend to focus on those a bit more.

The way out of depression and anxiety is not  straight line upwards, its zig zagging it's way through time, upwards in general yeah, but not a steady line.
Finally after you stop taking your medication (because your doctor agrees with you to do that) you might also experience a change in your general mood for a while.

There's a lot of reasons, that can cause us having a row of bad days, and even though that's annoying,  it doesn't automatically men, your depression is back full blown. To the question 'is depression and anxiety back' -  the measurement should lie in what we are able to do, that's kind of the answer.

And I'd say for my case, it's not normal for me to lie in bed all day not wanting to do anything. If a couple of resting days does not help me out, I know it's going to be a longer run, than just waking up the next morning feeling fine.
I am definately not having a total mental breakdown, I might not have anxiety and depression returned full blown, but it will be, if I'm not extra careful the next month or so.

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Less stress - take a break!

It's not a surprise to you guys I guess, if you are amongst the stady readers: my depression has me caught again.

I have tried to fight it, but I forgot a couple of things.
I'll explain more in a few, but this shows - once again - how important it is, that we do not force ourselves or forget to take care of ourselves and the disease on daily basis.

I have had some days, where I simply was eating and sleeping and fighting anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn't make myself do anything. So once again I had to bite the dust, and I stayed in bed for days.
I could easily have been there for a month, if Farmer had not interfered. But I was also determined to figure out, what made me stumble and fall.

Once again it's stress - caused by the move and the mood of others. Well, the last thing is definately better than ever, it must be the move then.

Do I really get knocked off so easily now(?) People move all the time, and they do it while working full time jobs. Hell, I have done that several times before!!!

But yes, it is the move, the disorder and mess everywhere, not being able to find anything - it frustrates me.

That's kind of a good thing to know. Then I can work on a solution to this problem.

It seemed to start after a day of selling a lot of stuff, that we don't want to take with us, when we move. There was a lot of preparations to take care of, and a lot of strangers to talk with.
I dunno... At some point I could just feel every fiber in my body screaming "get the hell away from her." But I forced myself to stay, after all, I don't leave the work to others.

Here it's my body telling me, that I need a break, but I don't listen. Also I could have thought about it and realised, that I might need a break once in a while, just to ease my mind. I didn't, but I for sure will remember to take that under consideration during daily basis.

Now I've set my watch to chime each hour to remind me to take a break. No cell phone action, no TV, nothing - just  time to sit with a cup of tea for 5-10 minutes and ease my mind.

I'll try it out for while to see, if regular (forced) breaks is a way to lower the panic attacks and depressive thoughts.

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"Cutting" on social media!

I feel a need to speak up about this, since selfharm apparently has become a new form of sick competition.

You should know, that people who are really suffering from "cutting" (the urge to do damages to own body) they do not publish it on social media. They do it secretly, so that nobody knows.
People showing off picture by picture of cuts, are not "cutters."

I have been cutiing at one point. Noone knew, until the day I found myself doing something stupid once again. Then I wrote ONE post about it, it was very hard to write, and I had decided to stop it as the first important fight, cause it is NOT a way to persue - and I haven't done it since then.

People that do harm for real (and not for attention) would never ever post this on social media.

People who post pictures of their cuts, they have a sick need of attention.
I really don't know what to call them.
Sick yes, embarrassingly desperate for attention - more like it.

I had to research for this one, but yes it has a name:
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) excessive attention-seeking emotions (and approval of other.)

I'm sorry to say, that I have absolutely NO sympathy for people, who make posts like that (and dare other people to do the same) 

I know they are sick, they must be! But my sympathy they will never get, cause they are contagious in the way they urge other people to do the same.

These attention seeking people are in fact sick, even though we might find them destructive of others.
Because they are destructive of others in their desperate need of attention and drama, others feel the need to keep a distance.

I can't personally separate myself from the fact, that posting shit like that on social media, creating an online society where this is "normal," daring other people to do the same etc etc are highly contagious, especially young people.
What about group pressure? What if an ubsecure teenager just want to belong to a group, and it turns out to get worse and worse?
These so much moral, that's goes against mine, so I'm sorry.
I'm truly ashamed that I can't relate to you, I'm sorry that I don't feel bad for your situation. But I hope for your sake, it is not my son or daughter you urge to get into stuff like that, because if so, I promise, I will kill you myself!

If you are posting pictures like the above mentioned, the best thing you can do, is to call your doctor immidiately.
After that, please call "an internet cleaner" to get rid off as much of the shit you have posted previously - as soon and as thorough possible. I know "once it's out there, it's out" - well yes. But the least you can do is to get rid off the pages, you control.

Other than that, I have no advice to offer, I have no experience with this disorder.

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Maintenance

Hi all

We are currently updating the theme for the blog. I'm sorry for the inconvenience this may cause.

Laila
CC Team - design

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Does the planets really influence us?

I haven't slept for 36 hours, but that's not uncommon, when we have a full moon.

I can't keep wondering, if the planets really influence us in any way. Previously I saw zodiac signs sayings more like entertainment, than as predictions. But now I'm no longer so sure.

The moon definately influence me and my son, so how much does it actually affect us(?) I guess we'll never really know for sure.

How about you? Does the moon affect your sleep?

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Depression and anxiety has me cornered

I've felt depression lurking this time, now its here, along with its "friend" anxiety. I have no idea of of how long this shitty disease is going to keep me in my own personal jail this time.

Even though I've been thru this several times before, it keep surprising me, how powerful this disease is.

I'll try to write it down In lots of detail this time, to be able to analyse on my thought later on.

Tiredness:
I dragged myself off the sofa, I just had to fed the dogs fast and let them out, then I could get back under the blanket.

I have a long to-do-list (my own, no pressure from others) and its laughing at me.
I can't even keep focus on a task, if something else pops up. I start a mess every where I go, I don't mean to, that just my memory. The result here of is, I can't find my tools, and I get angry/sad/upset.

I think I'll sleep  bit more. But I can't just lay on the sofa all day, while everyone else is working and doing their part.
I have my list, I'll select 3 do able tasks that I must get done, before noon.

Sad, alone, unworthy, giving up 

I got on my jacket and shoes to do the laundry.

I don't use the dryer, I hang the clothes to save energy.

Apparently someone had not been satisfied with my system. Half of the clothes had been taken down, and the basket next to it was still half full of wet clothes. MY wet clothes.

God, first I was sad, now I realise, I have to kick some ass, when someone is home. My state of mind tells me just to give the fuck up and let it be and get back to rest.

Anxiety/Scared/PTSS
Some people parked in our driveway.  It scared me a lot, since I didn't know, who was coming.
I immidiately grabbed my knife and my phone, ran around the other sides of the building - got pictures of 2 licence plates, around another corner, got the 3rd picture of the cars plates. I  send the pics to my bf, ran through the cellar upstairs to get my riffel. I really felt "now you are losing it, calm down" - but my body was acting on it's own. I sat with a loaded riffel (safety on) for a long time, before I calmed myself down.

Well bf called, but it all ended up with him telling me, how busy we are and especially him, and he also ha to take med to the hospital next week. So we somehow managed to start argue, and I just told him I thought we should stop right there.
The people from the real estate broker is calling all the time, but it's not my house!

I got pretty sad, I feel alone all the time, maybe I'm just not a likeable person... I'm mostly just in the way, people don't even answer me or they interrupt me, they wont miss me, if I was not here. Rather relieved.

I finally called my son to ask, if he can take me to the hospital instead.  Wonderful, he was able to fit that into his schedule, that was a relief. Now I don't have to bother anybody else.

I feel sad, my chest hurts, its difficult to breathe. I should go outside, but I just want to sleep and forget everything. I wish I could.

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Facial massage is healing

I have a lot of excessive water retained in my body. This is an effect of everything we stuff in our body, medications, food and drinks - and also my stomach/protein problems.

The excessive water often accumulates  in the legs, and in the morning you'll notice, your face is puffy, especially around the eyes.

Your head feels like it's about to explode, so draining it like a waterfall would be wonderful. But it takes a little bit more than that. 

Normally this doesn't really effect your health, other times it can help to drain the lymphs in the face, to take off pressure.

I feel it relaxes me, the heavy forehead, the need to sleep and headaches loosens up.

There's a lot of videos on YouTube of lymphatic drainage. Try some of them if you like, and see what techniques helps you personally.
I think my friend CC made my list public, probably with some information videos added.
You can find it here.
I have combined some of them to my liking, and all it takes is 3-5 minutes.
That's faster and much healthier than an aspirin.
Also it releases stress and it feels good to spend just a few minutes on healing yourself.
The sound is normt always the best, but try the technique, it often helps with my own tensions.

You should try it out for yourself :-)
Actually please try it out and tell me, which video is your favourite (or what exercises that helps you the most)
Enjoy;-)

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This is hilarious - to me at least

I was SO tired today. The house went to sleep late, and I got up early - surprise.

I feel tired all the time, and at the same time I have huge troubles with insomnia. After a period of not sleeping, I really need to catch up, when I can.

But I don't look sick, so...
The following conversation took place...

"I'm SO tired all the time. You all go to bed late, I can't keep doing that."
"Why don't you sleep in during the weekends?"
"Who takes care of the animals on daily basis? I never get at break."
"Well, if you can't handle it, maybe we should get a dog sitter for a weekend."

I was caught by such surprise, I didn't have an immediate comeback.

We don't have money.
But if the situation end up in a man getting up early on a day off, then we need to hire a dog sitter!

I'm sorry, I might be mentally insane, but is it such a stupid idea to think, that a man could be able to remove his ass long enough from the sofa to take care of his own dog once a week(?)

God, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. But I'm for sure nothing else but a dog sitter and housekeeper.

There it is, once again.

I don't look sick, so nobody remembers how important sleep is for me.
Or maybe they do, but if the result means work for them, they don't care.

I don't know which option is worse...

But at least someone out there loves me <3

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Don't forget I'm sick even when I feel fine

- I wrote a blog post called "My way out of depression".
It might seem funny, that I don't seem to follow up on that, but in fact I do on daily basis, I just don't write particularly about that.

But I stumble my way back through from the deep black hole, trying to find my way to the light. I'm in the grey zone, and I stumble, I fall, I get hurt, I'm sad - but I also have successes, good days, with laughter and joy.

As written many times... 

The road up from the hole of depression, anxiety and darkness is not a straight line upwards. 

It seems like I spiral downwards again, with direct course for a total mental breakdown once again, with no hope in sight. Sometimes I get scared that I'll end up at the mental hospital once again. 

Ofcourse people around me knows and noticed this - it's totally impossible to fool Farmer. My friends at the CcTeam keeps a close eye on me, I know, so now I have a safety net.

This also means, that I'm able to do personal tests of what works for me, and I can push myself to the highest. There will always be one, who holds on to the rope in the other end.

They let me go "the line", push myself to the limit and sometimes a bit above that - but when they sence something's wrong, they wheel me back in.

I had a long conversation with my mentor, and after that she told me to take a step back and look at my own experiences and results. 

You are in the middle of the forest, and you can't find the damn tree! - Farmer said.

And when I looked at it like that, I suddenly noticed, that I slowly had "let myself go". I had totally "forgot" that I was sick, and "forgot" to take care of myself, during the latest positive periode.

I also think it was caused by the heat during the summer, I couldn't eat lunch. So little by little I apparently just stopped forcing myself to do, what I knew I should have done.

If we were going somewhere, I couldn't take my medication, cause then I have to pee all the time - so I stopped taking everything including vitamins and minerals. Wonderful - I should get an award winning prize for stupidity!

My sleep is totally fucked up, cause everyone around me during the vacation seemed to think, that they were the only ones who needed to sleep in late once in a while. They went to bed late (I therefore could not go to sleep) and the dogs woke me up each morning at 06.30 as usual.

All in all I had slowly messed up my whole foundation. I need to prioritize my health once again, and get order in the buttom of Maslow's pyramid of needs!

So, back to basics - and learn from past mistakes:

I can't forget I'm sick, I need to remember to take care of myself during good periods too - otherwise it'll bite me in the butt later on.

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Too smart to be mentally ill

"You sound to eloquent to be able to get a early retirement."
Huh?

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I have been living on a little pink cloud

I always think the best about people. Well I WAS. And I hate the "friends" and family who has disappointed me, or worse.

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Trapped with people who dislike me or?

I din't know what to do. I had no idea of how to change this situation.

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The need to believe in something

When the world collapses below your feet, and mental disease brings you to your knees, it can be comforting pray.

I got some questions about religion from some of you. So even though I've danced my way around it, since I don't want religious discussions to be a part of this, I recognise the need to believe in something bigger out there.

I'll try to explain my thoughts about religion - I don't need your acceptance, we don't have to share the same thoughts - the disorders and syndroms wont change anyway - but then you know my point of view.

I find myself challenged in my belief in anything.
I do believe in a God, but you can call him whatever you want, cause no matter what you call "him", I believe we all either get hit by Karma or will be judged by our behaviour at the end of days.

I believe most religions actually goes well together, and may originally come from the absolute same story.
BUT I also believe, that some people are using religion - interpreting/translating it into something they can use for personal gain.

I'm a Christian, but could be compared to an atheist. I don't go to church each Sunday,  I don't find God there.
But...
A spring day, where every tree, every flower, starts to welcome the new season. The plants, that seemed dead, gets little light green buds all over, and will soon burst into wonderful colors...
That's amazing in my eyes. No man is able to do that.

There's a lot of examples like that.
The birth of a newborn child - tell me - do you need more proof(?)
I don't.

Maybe nature is our God - we most certainly cant beat her; Mother Nature.

I don't have the answer - and no matter what you believe yourself - neither do you!

What about all the bad stuff, that happens in the world then?
Why does our God not put a stop to that?

I asked a priest that question once, and he told me, he was a bit frustrated about people asking this question.  God is not responsible for everything that goes on.
If we all were able to live in peace - and I'm not just talking about war/peace, but also humans amongst each other. Then the world would be a better place.

If we start celebrating each others differences and cultures, instead of spreading fear and distance between us - we would go a long way.

If we stop spending money on fighting each other, and helped each other out - we could accomplish so much.

But we are fighting, people die, people get wounded, and don't tell me we fight for peace - give me a break.

My point is we chose to fight - is that Gods fault?

Natural disasters happen - did you ever think about this: when natural disasters hits, nobody cares about country or region or religion - its life and dead, we all fight together to stay alive.

Another thing I had in mind  was that when we have a plus, we also have the opposite; the minus. In mathematics theres always and opposite for every function.
So, why shouldn't there be a devil?
Perhaps the devil is inside of us, and we have to fight our own personal battles to see, which side it the strongest?

So yes, I also think there will be some kind of justice in the end - or we get hit by nemesis and/or karma before that.

One thing I absolutely don't believe in, is weekly confessions.
I'm sorry, we are not children. We all know the rules. So if you get caught with your hands in the cookie jar, I honestly don't believe that it's okay, just as long as you confess.

If you sleep around, it doesn't make okay just as long as you confess. In risk of getting hate mails from everyone, I can honestly say, that its is one of the most hypocritical things I have ever heard of.

But for each religion we have, theres many things I like and some I dont.

I very short, I think I can sum my personal religion into one sentence that takes in everything I believe in.

Be nice to others.

In my opinion that covers do not kill, respect the elders, dont sleep around only with your spouse etc etc, doesn't it?
I my opinion it does.

I hope I didn't scare you all :) and that you have found something to help and support you thru hard times.

See ya :-)

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I'm trapped

I'm sorry for not writing much. I'm really not in the mood to write about feelings or thoughts or nightmares or lack of sleep.

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You are disgusting

Thank you very much, now I know, why I feel such lack of love around me.

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Life quantity or life quality

Well!!!
This topic (amongst others) is messing around in my thoughts. 

I'm living on the boulevard of broken dreams, where everyone else is living out their dreams, which is also mine.

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About distraction and relaxation methods

I experience, that I use the TV as a tool to relax so much, I infact never really watch anything.

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I can't collect my thoughts

I feel bad for not writing, however that would confuse everyone, since my thoughts are all over the place.

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Drowning

Every time I see someone writing about bad stuff happening to them, I see a lot of
- "I'll pray for you"
- "God will help you out"

You know what? We are NOT alone on this planet, God is not supposed to handle each and every thing for us.

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Who can you really count on?

I often get emails from you guys out there, who feels totally alone and abandoned.

How do you move on, when you feel neglected, overlooked or even ignored?

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The purpose of life

I've been having a very bad period, where I've struggled to find a place for me in this world.

According to political decisions, I'm supposed to live with this salary for the rest of my life.
If that's the case, what do I see in the future(?)

My absolute favourite thing in the world is to travel. Not with any extravagance,  no water how. That's totally out of range.

I'm sleeping on a couch in a house share, struggling to make ends meet every month.
Living for 160 Euro a month, before dentist, clothes, hairdresser, gifts, medication, food and transportation.
Lovely - no thank you.
That kind of future is to me so dark, I can't see light anymore.

I've actually went so far in my thoughts, that I decided to build up a storage of the pills, that I know I need, to end this shit. Then I would be prepared for the next step, when I wanted to leave.

To make a long story short, my blog manager CC came for a visit. She sensed something was wrong and made me talk to the Farmer.
And the Farmer - well let's just say, you can't escape. I dunno what she contains, I don't know what she's build of, that woman. But you can't fool her, and she is a badass when it comes to kicking verbally ass, so let's just say, I was burned.
It is after all her method I'm using, so I better use it right.

She's actually been through situation almost similar to mine, it's weird we found each other.
The difference is, she is standing, and standing tall - I'm still trying to get my ass up from the floor. I guess it's a question of willpower, and she acts like - infact she is a true - Viking.

Clarise told me to notice, that there is a huge difference. Cause the Farmer is appreciated by the other people in the house and lives with her fiance. I live with other people too and has to feel appreciated, where I am.

I'm actually thinking about going away for a month to my mother. I'll get a break from the others, and I can help her simultaneously. It's ofcourse not a permanent solution, but that's an option for the moment. I'll consider that, cause I'm fed up with the looks from the others... Why didn't she cook/clean/do laundy/clean up... Well I don't, clean up after yourself. Help me clean the house, I'm not the only one who lives here.

But I feel so stressed out, that the fact apparently is, they only see me as a maid.

CC also mentioned, there's a lot of offers to buy the rights to the blog, there's options to make interviews, to advertise for doctors and medication etc etc, that would help me a bit. But she already knew my answer.
No, no, and no. 

I do NOT recommend any medications, I do NOT recommend any doctors, and I am for sure not letting anyone ghost write my blog, and pretend they are me. I'd rather starve to death.

If CC wants to make an informative post, she'll put her name on it. That's it.

But well, I am considering, what they told me, to go visit my mom and get some distance, and I'll see, what I figure out.

I feel strangled here, but right now I'm too tired to make any decisions.

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Youtube Channel

I don't use YouTube much anymore, due to the heavy amount of advertisement, that jumps in, while I try to fall asleep.
I absolutely love Jean-Michel Jarre, but his music gets interrupted all the time.
Who can sleep through that(?)

However there's still some pieces of music, that has no interruptions.
CC has taken my playlist and made it public.

You find the YouTube playlist here.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLBuju34d75pk3Zt1z_ZvOJ1SrZNAz-Ez

(Or try searching for TMB Total Mental Breakdown, then you'll find it)

I'll add the playlist to the direct links for relaxation radio/music/sounds at the top of the page.

I prefer the online radio channels to YouTube, but now you've got a link to YouTube music as well. Thanks CC :-)

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Dementia test

I've been at the doc for a dementia test today. I knew it wouldn't hurt physically, but emotionally I was SO scared, that I had to tell the nurse not to take notice of me crying, it's simply due to stress relief.

The very thought of suffering from dementia is do frightening for me, I think a bad result would finally break me for good and leave me with bot only a total mental breakdown - but simply finish me off for good.

And what's that test like(?)
Strange and funny at the same time.

I'm a mrs. I-need-to-know-it-all, so I really had to fight the urge, to ask a lot of questions.

But here's how my dementia test went down.

- what year is it?
- what month?
- the date of today?
- is it Wednesday?
that sort of questions.

Then she gave me 3 things to remember:, an apple, a windows, scissors.

She handed me a paper and told me to take it with my right hand, fold it. Then put it down on the floor and stand up next to it.
I felt the questions screaming- kinda funny - while doing the task.

- Now pick up the paper and draw a circle.
I did.
- put in numbers to make it look like a watch.
I did.
- Draw the clock as if it shows 9.20.
I did.
- Write a sentence...
I wrote something stupid.

You have 93, withdraw 7.
I did.
Withdraw 7.
I did
Withdraw 7....
I did, I did, I did...

What was the 3 things I told you to remember?
Scissors, apple, window.

I got some Pentagon's to draw in free hand, and to finished it up, they took a blood sample, heart cardiogram, and I peed in a cup. LOL-thay was the worst part!

So once again; not so damn frightening, as it was in my mind.
However - as I told the doc - I'm not scared of the test. Physical pain I can handle. However I don't know how to handle it, if the test comes out with me having dementia, a permanent brain malfunction.

But today I was a straight A student and came thru with flying colours :-)
The test will be continued, but so far do good.
Thank God.

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I am worth nothing to other people

I hate not to know, where I'm going. What am I supposed to do, while I await other people's decision about my future(?)

What I hate even more, is how people treat me because of my disease - even despite my disease. 

I'm apparently supposed to be their deck and call, if they are hungry, we need to eat now! 

I never sleep in late, because they do, and someone needs to take care of the dogs.

Last week there were 4 days off, I didn't get to sleep in late even once!

I have to say the consideration for my needs washed away a long time ago. 

Sometimes I in fact have to remind people, that I really don't feel okay, and I get awfully hurt, when spoken to like they do here.

I don't know if the lack of co consideration is lack of understanding. After all I don't look sick...

The doc want me to get disability, but the politicians and job consultants can 'cure' everybody. It's horrifying, what goes on in the country right now.

I feel helpless, like a little child who has not a vote in the matter, just awaiting the decisions of the adults.

I'm being talked to like they please to do, with no thoughts for me as a person. I get yelled at, just because I was there - not because anything is my fault.

It's like I don't have a position in the world, I'm not only nothing. I'm the dirt anyone is allowed to step on.

Guess what?
Think again - they haven't been to hell and back. I have, and I have been chewed up down there, and even then I managed to find a way back to life.

And I'm not only on the way to fight, I am fighting now. And I don't put up with bullsshit.

Hurt me now - and I promise you I will return the pain with interest.

I don't know... I should get on the train and leave a situation like this and never return. But somehow I find it very educational and interesting to see, how everything evolves. So don't feel sorry for me, I'll leave if I can't handle it.

But for the first time in my life, I have the front seat to watch, how mentally I'll people gets treated by friends, family, health care system etc. And for some reason I don't get up and leave, its actually kind of interesting to notice what goes on.
So I'm having kind of an adventure first hand here, which hurts quite a deal, but is too educational to give up.

I'll let you know, when I explode in anger - I bet you'll all hear it!

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European Election

Everybody all over the country is going nuts, when election is up.
Politicians claim and promise a lot, they don't intend to keep.

I especially remember one woman who said, that the sick, the poor and the old people here, could just save up their money! From what?
Some don't even have to the end of the month. Some has the choise to eat or take their medication. God, if you get sick at 18 and can't work, you'll spend the rest of your life living without anything. With no future ahead. Cause if you own anything, you can't get any help. What a dream to look forward to.

But this particular politician is now running around doing publicity stunts to show "how much she care."
It makes me sick.
So after we loose everything, we could just "save our money". Well, perhaps she'll visit me then.

It's hard for families. They do not only have to worry about sickness, hospital visits etc. They have to move to sell their house, worry how to get the next bill paid...
Not only do you get very little help. The little help you get, will be cut even smaller, than normal, because your wife's or girlfriends salary is as high as a uneducated worker.

Theres not enough money to take care of people, that is already here in the country.
Why do the government chose to bring in more? They get paid for it ofcourse, but our country and welfare suffers because of it.
Not just the sick people, also teachers, daycare workers, old people, hospitals, doctors, nurses....
And the government simultaneously can't figure out, why the crime rate is getting constantly higher!

There's a lot of stuff going on, that's not right here. But I chose NOT to listen to them during the time before election.
Everyone knows a politician lies.
But they seem to have their mind set on winning the Olympics in not speaking truthfully these days, so I chose to be deaf to them.

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The weather is weird and does not help

One moment the sun is shining, and we are able to be outside just wearing a T-shirt. 5 minutes later the clouds arrive with darkness, wind, rain and hail!

When the animals and I dare to stick our heads out of the door, you can be sure we'll be coming back running, fleeing from a hail storm, trying to hold the door open for everyone, before it gets catched by the wind - and the we try to get reheated!

I should be sowing peas, lettuce, carrots, beans and all that stuff, but we never get so far into the kitchen garden. Otherwise I feel inspired to enjoy the summer at least a bit that way, when there's no one else to talk to anyway.

But this shifting weather is really uncomfortable. Or otherwise you'll soon get uncomfortable, theres no way to dress properly for the weather, when it changes so much in such a short time.

To avoid the stress I felt another day, when my plants and the animals blankets and toys, my plastic trays for planting etc was flying all over the place - we spend most time inside.
That triggers the depressive state very much, since spending all my time inside reflects what I do, when I am in a depressed state of mind. So it's kind of a hard job to stay out of depression right now. It requires a lot of positive thinking, which I have very hard to find these days.

At some point the weather must make a decision :-)

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Drug abuse is no ones dream

I don't think anyone ever woke up with the decision to become an alcoholic or to abuse drugs.

On the other hand I actually wonder, how many of them suffers from mental illness (?)

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I am in the place the eye not see

I haven't felt like writing, cause I feel, I have nothing to give anymore.

Apparently people think its allowed to talk to me in any way that pleases them.

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I can not find peace

The meeting with the job consultant went fine, but I have been restless a long time leading up to that meeting.

They are going for mental disabiligty, since they don't feel sure that I can handle more pressure as a human beeing.


I'm fine with that, it'll give me more room to relax and get better.

But no matter what, I need some sort of extra income, bit I don't know where this is going to come from.

I have been on/off for several weeks now, trying to get up from the dark hole, but some days I simply can't find a reason to do so.

How am I supposed to create a second income here(?) I guess I'll have to move first.

The house is up for sale, but nobody knows, when it's going to be sold.
Again an uncertain future.

I can't handle that, not being able to plan anything.
The rest has this and that demand to the house. One wants his own room, besides the bedroom etc etc, and we'll, that is not possible.  So do you want to move or not?
Putting up impossible demands for a new place is not going to make me change my mind.
I'm not staying here.

So I'm restless, I pace around. I do a little here and there, with no actual result anywhere.
I'm so tired of this wandering about, I could scream.

My thoughts are killing me. I'm bombed by thoughts in my mind, like they all explode in the same time and want to be heard at once.
I can't event sort it out from each other.

I'm scared for the first time in a long time. I'm scared to end my life here ind the God forsaken place, without reaching the water, that I have been longing to get back to since I moved away as a teenager.
My whole life has been shaped by others wishes. I think it's about time, that my wished come a bit true also, before its too late.

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I feel very restless

- the talk with the job consultant is tomorrow. Last time I walked out on them because of false accusations.

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Schedule Yeah Right

I apparently get easily distracted, when I'm trying to work out of the depressive state.

I had plans, but I used my time for other stuff. 

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I am ready to start schedule a bit

I really feel down because of the insurance money. I feel I just live day by day with no hope for a change to the better in my situation.

But I refuse to give in.

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1 step forward

- and 2 steps back, darn the fight is hard.
Especially today.

I thought I hade quite an amout on my account from the stuff people stole from me, before I moved out.

Unfortunately I didnt have an overview of the stolen stuff, and I couldn't handle paper work. I couldn't even touch a computer for the first year. And just thinking about it made me feel sick. My boyfriend promised to report it, but kept putting it off, so now they claim we filed too late.

So it's a never ending story. Each time I think theres a little money coming, I get stuck in a shit hole.
God I can't breathe, I want to get out of this place, where You are useless as soon as you're sick.

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My way to get out of depression

Well, what a wonderfuld ting to have a list like that, do this, follow this "recipe" point by point - and your depression has joined Elvis and left the building.

If you think a such list exist, I'm sorry to disappoint you. It doesn't. Anyone claiming to have a way out like that, is scamming you.

I have never written a list or used one before, but I'll try to explain, what I personally do.

1. Accept that I'm sick and need a "break from life."
I sleep a LOT, don't answer the phone, don't watch the news. It's pure survival basis. Maslows lowest part of the system. Eat, breathe, sleep, stay warm.

2. Getting a bit better I start to return to life long enough to watch a TV show or a movie.

3. When I'm ready to start such things, I focus on personal hygiene, since this is much needed at this point.
As a personal "rule", I demand one thing of myself. When I did this today, then I can't return to nothing tomorrow. I must keep up going forward.

4. When I leave a room, I must make more order before I leave, than when I entered the room.
Now I also must start the battelse to get out. Maybe just sit outside on the stairs to the house with a cup of tea, waiting not to throw up from anxiety.

5. I keep going forward. As allways, the route has many bumps on the way, and I am very hard on myself. SO consider carefully to try it, before you do it. Or do it with precaution. I'm NOT a doctor, I'm not educated in this stuff - I "only" have 20 years of experience living with it.

An beware also about the 20 years. I know a lot about my feelings, how hard to push myself and it takes time to learn.
I force myself into situations, that I would run away from, to confront my anxiety.
Not because I like it, who would like to be so scared, thet are about to sacrifice their last meal on their shoes(?) But I test my limits to see progress.

SO, try taking it very slow. Remember the start rule, what you do today, you must also do tomorrow.
Don't force yourself too hard the first many many times. Accept it takes time. A little progress is better than nothing.
I'm currently at 3,4 and 5 at the same time, so a little here, a little there...

Now I'll for instance go with the dogs to the greenhouse to work there. It both in the open and even so closed. SO let's see what happends.
If everything else fails, I'll retreat to my safe spot.

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Adult bullying

As a child, if you get bullied, you can't wait to grow up, where people treats each other nice.

Ha!

Weren't we fooled.

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It has been a fight just to get out of bed

It always comes as a surprise to me, how hard it is to fight depression. Even though I've done it many times, I'm always a bit shocked how hard it is, when it really strikes.

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Panic attacks on top of panic attacks

I found out, that my ex has moved. 

Apparently he has been to jail, for violence, now he is out and has moved to another town.

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Going public AND stay anonymous

My wonderful long time friend and now blog manager CC (Clarise Canning), takes all the heat from me. 

If she didn't act as "my filter", I bet I would not write anymore. 

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I beg to get out of this depressive state

I feel so lost. I can't seem to find myself. 

The strong part of me, that actually defines me more than many other of my personal resources, is lost.

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