I feel very restless

- the talk with the job consultant is tomorrow. Last time I walked out on them because of false accusations.

I have been working the same place for almost 10 years, and my income used to be 10 times higher. Do they really think I take a long education and pay off all my student loans to become unemployed(?)

Then it was alcohol and medication abuse - God, turn the page you idiot - I have been examined by experts, also in regards to alcohol and drugs. I'm not - nor have I ever been - addicted to those things.
It's correct, that I have abused alcohol as a sleeping pill, when the doctor would no longer prescribe relaxation medication.
But as the experts said, I don't drink because I'm an alcoholic, I drink ocationally, when I don't have medication and panic attacks is getting the better of me.

I haven't been drinking alcohol at all since 1 glass of redwine around Christmas 2015.

Then I decided to deny myself caffeine, coca cola, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, black tea and much else - not because I had a drinking problem - but because I had a lot of surgery done in my stomach, and I wanted to live more healthy.

After surgery I went to mishap check up. I didn't understand why at first.
At the meeting I had no sleep for 4 days, so I was not totally up to speed.
The doc asked me, if I was on morfine or had been drinking.
No, I just have troubles sleeping.
But he claimed otherwise, and he saw in my journal, that I have had morphine at the hospital. Again; Turn the damn page and read the papers.
When I found out they gave me morphine, I refused to take more. I have a friend who was just about to get hooked by that shit after hospitalization.
But finally I got my thought together enough to tell him, that we can discuss this to the end of the day, and he would not chance his opinion. So we were im the right spot, get a nurse in here and take a blood sample, then you'll see yourself, that I'm totally clean.
Then I got off that program immediately, I don't know what made the difference, but I was "discharged" from the program.

And now again a meeting about my capability. I'm a bit nervous of what is going to happen, even though I'm not attending. My BF is going, I'm never letting them put me down again, it takes me months to rebuild a tiny bit of confidence in myself.

So I'm wondering if they will put me on disability or keep me employed.

I know, what will happen, if I should be lucky enough to get a job, I can fill out. The stress level will rise quickly, I'll be stupid enough to forget to say no. 

Ill be in a full time position, until I burn out the next time or someone else calls me a bad mom (which she didn't know anything about at all. Besides my girl decided to come home, when she was old enough to decide herself - that speaks for itself.)
But I'm never ever going to stay in a job, where people talk to me like that, without knowing the truth. 

Never again, not in a million years.
And that's how you kill the spark inside other people. To make them feel even worse, when they are in the darkest place possible. 

When I told my mom, she just said;

"how dare she... If there's something those children get, it's love. How dare she claim such a thing, when she knows absolutely nothing about it. I can't believe that *My colleague* is married to such a goose."

Never mind. Now I know, what goes wrong, and I'm going to avoid that.

Now i have another solution, but no money to make it happen. And with my income - here it's allowed to laugh out loud - I'm not an attractive candidate for a loan.
So it's kind of both hope and anxiety that fills my thought. The hope, they will leave me in peace, that's what I need to get better. Then if I can get disability, I'll also have a higher income - low yes - but not as low as it is now. I will never be able to earn a great income again, it's time to face reality. Goose or no goose, the damage is done. Ex or no ex, his damage is done too. So I has enough. Adult people bullying - lack of respect and lack of willingness for planning and lack of information needed - no thank you. I can't handle that any longer. No-one should have to.

But forget about education etc. I need to work with something, that boosts my confidence, not people backtalking me. 

Disability will give me relaxation in my mind. I won't have to speculate on ongoing meetings about my health and work. 

On top of that, I'll also be allowed to earn a bit of money on small jobs, and maybe even the bank will agree to loan us the money for a new place. Otherwise there's a small option that we can save even more money, because I'm allowed to earn a bit by the side.

So I'm both excited and scared for tomorrow, no wonder why I have been pacing around.