I beg to get out of this depressive state

I feel so lost. I can't seem to find myself. 

The strong part of me, that actually defines me more than many other of my personal resources, is lost.

Even though I get my ass kicked each time, I stick my head above ground, I still try to climb up from this deep hole, that I have allowed someone else to push me right back into.

But I refuse to give up.

It's not an option for me. 

I don't care, who wins the small battles, even though it hurts like hell to fight. I loose battles over and over again, but I am determined to win the war.

Right now I need to use my experience, it has been hard lessons, so I better use it for something. 

I need to crawl, before I can walk. And if that is what it takes, then I'll crawl.

The road up from the deep hole of depression is long and hard and it's never a straight line upwards. There will be downs during the process. I know that.

I guess what scared me the most is, that I was so easily put down, and put so far way back in my healing process.

After analyzing the episode though, I simply was not prepared for anything bad, and I let my shields down far too soon.
Lesson learned!

Now I need to get back up on my feet. I try each and every day, but the outcome is never satisfying. There's always something that stops me and makes me run for my safe spot. 

The important thing is though, that I try. Learn from that. Try another thing, fail again - but... I reboot each morning.

If it doesn't work, try something different.

Right now I have - again - the anxiety to get out of the house. That's a huge step back, but if that's where "I am", that's where I start.

I'm determined to find myself, my fighting abilities and persistence, no matter how much beating I need to take, before I get there.

So once again I start out from the buttom and climb my way out of the deep dark hole of anxiety, depression and every other label they try to put on me.

Are you one of the unfortunate people going thru the same Hell, let's "join hands" and beat the crap out of this disease together.

Thank you all for your support.
Bless you all.