I'm trapped

I'm sorry for not writing much. I'm really not in the mood to write about feelings or thoughts or nightmares or lack of sleep.

The bad thing about writing here is, that I'm afraid to scare you. If you are reading my blog you must be having a bad period in your life - a masochist or trying to fall asleep. I worry about the first mentioned. You need reassuring words, and I have none to offer.

I'm tried. 

Not sleepy tired, I'm out of energy. 

I'm fed up, I've had enough.
Theres no dreams anymore, only nightmares of the dream that never came thru and empty promises.
Theres no passionate work to do, only forced meetings, where you feel oh so welcome and well seen. You see; the two final lines in the 'invitations' is a threat to take away the little money I get to survive while I'm sick, if I should not follow their orders. I thought this would come to an end as the doctor promised, but no.

I'm not really sad, I don't really feel hurt, come to think of it, I don't really feel anything anymore.
Not anything else but tired.

I'm not scared to have those feelings at all. I've been there before, however this time it's different.

I feel like I'm losing my faith in God.
If I stop believing, then anything goes.  No remorse, no thinking about the consequences, just give in until they stop you. And in that case, I know exactly, where and who to hit and in which order.

That doesnt scare med either - that freaks me out totally.