Panic attacks on top of panic attacks

I found out, that my ex has moved. 

Apparently he has been to jail, for violence, now he is out and has moved to another town.

The first night I was pretty confused, and didnt really think much about it.

But the next day fear was sneaking up on me. I got the knife sharpening machine from the garage, filled it with water and started sharpening my knife until I could shave hair with it.

Damned myself for not being more throwing knifes.

Inside in the evening I felt a sudden fear. I actually felt, I needed to get my gear and get out of the house. Hide in the field with my riffel loaded and just wait in the dark, ready for a clean shot.
But I stayed inside.

Next day was not much better, and I started to ask around in the neighbourhood; who is at work and who is not(?)
When I asked my fiance for the other weapon, he came home without me knowing it. I just heard the dogs barking, heard the front door open, and I immediately grabbed my hunting knife.

He is NOT going to take more from me, not my freedom. Not even if it means I have to fight him once more. I'll use every fucking dirty trick in the book to break every bone in his body and make him scream. I want him to suffer, as I did. I want to torture his mind, as he did to me.

And that makes me a bad person. I'm sorry to feel that I have the ability to feel such a hate toward another person, but I do.
I should forgive, I know that, but I want REVENGE.

This is going against everything I believe in, but I guess if you push people around enough, that's the result.

May God forgive me for having such thoughts, cause I can't forgive myself.