Chores and depression

It seems impossible to find a way to get off my couch and in gear.
Normally I would have played it safe and stayed put and relaxed, until this state passes.  That's the best way to avoid deeper depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

But since the house is up for sale, we have to keep it clean always, and besides, I know we're going to get visitors to look at the house during this week, so I really don't have a choise. So I'm forcing myself to get up and get started, but so far my body does not obey.

Putting pressure on oneself is a bad choise, but I don't really see another way. I also want to move so I can't just lean back and wait for everybody else to take over. I'm not that kind of person, and guess what... That has brought me into the exact same situation before, and depression and anxiety answered right away.

Didn't I learn something? Absolutely, but I'm going to be more sick, before I let "the team" down.

Well, my safe spot is ready to in case I need it. I better get the vacuum and get started.

I'll do like the old days, write here along my way, using my diary as a crouch.

4 hours later:
I've almost finished the kitchen, but theres still a way to go. People have started to pack boxes, but left I the middle if the task.
I've been at my safe spot several times, but can't relax. My thoughts keeps going "I should do this, and I should do that..."
Well, better get started again, that's better than to lay around speculating about it.

The others came home an hour late, while I was cleaning windows. I thought that this would be the end for a while and we would team up afterwards.
However they are getting ready to go out for dinner. That's nice of them, but it doesn't help my stress.
I needed an evening in my safe spot with comfort food and a good movie. Now they're getting dressed up, and so should I, even though every fiber insides me is screaming to stay at home
Why can't I just relax(?)

I chose to take 5 mg diazepam, and finally my brain could function on normal level. It is a medication like valium, that calms you down, you can get addicted to this, so it's not recommended to take it regularly.
But geez, I really needed that.

I finally felt relaxed, able to follow a conversation, cause my brain wasn't thinking a thousand thoughts at the same time.
I consumed a good portion of dinner, and felt calm about the thought of cleaning house.

So we actually ended up having a nice evening, and perhaps I'm even able to fall asleep for once. I surely hope so.

Thank you for holding my hand today, I wish you all a good night.