Diversion: Relax your mind with music

There's so many types of music, and just the same people like different styles.
Personally I listen to almost all kinds of music, but always something that reflects my mood.
I chose however not to select sad music, but either something to relax me, or something to make me active.

I've tried all kinds of music labelled "sounds of nature".
For the fun of it, I want to give you a bit if a warning though; I woke up on night by the sounds of a frog cracking very loud! Pretty annoying at that moment, since I suffer so hard of insomnia, but also quite hilarious.So when choosing music like that, it can be a pretty darn good idea to listen to all of it before you lay down to sleep, cause...

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Diversion: Relax your mind with a movie UPD

Latest update; 01.12.2018

TV SERIES

The Mentalist

An american tv show about a man who is able to read bodylanguage and any kind of the human mind to make people confess or to find a killer.

More entertaining than educational, but definately worth to recommend. I streamed the full show while I was committed the 3d time.

Mr. Monk

Here the defective detective, that you either must love (or hate I guess)

This gentleman has been thru a traumatic event and cant leave his house without his assistant (and nurse). It a fun way to desctibe the diseases, however not so realistic. But its definately worth to give a try.

Good Witch

Lets get some sweets, without any excitement on the TV and watch the charming witch in her lovely little society. Really sweet and relaxing, love it.

MOVIES

Mr. Jones

- was the first movie about mental diseases I watched. At the time my diagnose was simple: severe anxiety and depression; a total mental breakdown.
I had just seen the doc and got some meds, that I was sacred to take. Then the Oracle arrived; mom. She convinced me, that I would not get "high" and I could take my medication without being scared of that.
When she went home, this movie had just started, and this was actually my first insight with mental disease.

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Off day - take a load off and relax

It's a bad day for me, seriously. The way up from the deep hole of depression,  anxiety and mental breakdown is not straight forward. Sometimes you loose your grip an slide downwards, so there's only one thing to do: keep working on beating this horrible disease.

Meanwhile I need a break sometimes, something to loosen up the senses. A total mental breakdown takes all your energy to fight, it turns into a big knot of soar muscles, so it's only natural, that the body needs a day off.

It's normally my senses that overloads. Too many impressions, confusion, noise, people talking, shimmering lights, and since I'm HSP also other people's feelings.

When I'm overloaded with emotions and impressions, I curl up in my safe spot, and I started to wonder...

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I'm so scared, what if I panic, what do I do?

When we try to live with our anxiety, we will, no matter what, come face to face with our fear and the risk of having panic attacks.

Do you wanna run, or do you wanna fight?

I personally have to decide this for each and everything I do, because no day is like yesterday. What I did yesterday, I might not be able to do today. It depends on so many factors, but the important is to feel thoroughly, what you think is a realistic goal to set for the day:

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Escape from reality

When hit by adrenalin, your body freeze for a split second. Sounds gets more intense, your vision sharpens and your whole body is in "red alert."

You can't run away from this no matter what, cause the fear us not from an outside attack, it's all inside you.

You can however TRY to escape in so many other different ways, I've personally tried several:
Gaming, create your own world, where you are in control
Medication, makes you chemically feel better until the effect wears off, but you can only get it in a limited time.
Drugs (medicine bought at the black market - or other drugs I don't really know), also used by many, a form of escape like the medication.

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Fear

Fear is a normal feeling, it's a part of the survival instinct - self preservation. It's under normal conditions not a problem. Fear of snakes, spiders, heights etc. we frequently hear about, and it doesn't effect the lives of people in any real way.

But fear as an illness can be disabling, and there's not really a clear line you can draw between the rational and the irrational fear. It depends of the individual.
I often felt ridiculous, when I tried to explain my fear, and even though people try hard, they never really understand.
I have been afraid of the mail man, when the phone rang, when someone knocked on the door... If I finally went outside my house, I couldn't visit some of our friends because of the stairs. This is an example of fear (of heights) becoming irrational.

I think the way to "classify" the difference is when the fear has such an effect on you, that you are disabled in doing daily tasks. When your fear prevents you from having a normal family life.

The natural effect of fear is that the body immediately sends out a shot of adrenalin. You freeze shortky, then run. The last resort is fight.

I try to become friends with my anxiety, well not exactly, rather I try to learn to live with it
When I reach the point where fear is just about to take over, I try to stop exactly where I am, and stay in my feelings for that moment.
I cover my ears and face and sit down on my knees, feel the rushing effect of the adrenalin, what it does to MY body. The first time it was really overwhelming.  So many ferlings in a world of chaos, it took all my willpower to stay in it, and not run away, even though my whole body was screaming to get out of there.
When I'm more calm, I still sit there, but with the intend to figure out what exactly triggered a panic attack.

Like...
Wednesday I go to the hospital.
What if I can't sleep and am too tired to drive(?)
I take the train.
But at the train station there's huge stairs and a long bridge with glass to all sides - it's scary. How do you handle that(?)
Use my fear to get over the bridge. Pretend someone is after you an run like hell.
You did that before, ended up crying in a corner until people got your fiance on the phone, and you ended up in your safe spot for 3 days. Do you want that(?)

We all have our fears, and don't ever let anyone put you down because of that. There's no right or wrong fears. Your fear is as "real" as fear of flying for instance. Just because it's more common to be afraid of heights or spiders, it's no more or less normal.

I have chosen to fight my fear. I can't run away from it anyway - cause how do you run away from yourself???

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Living with anxiety 4 & 5 - esteem...

Part 4 and 5 is pretty much focused on self esteem and desire to reach goals and success.
I'll focus in that, when I have fought my way thru that. The most important thing for me right now is to learn how to live with the disease, not "win the Olympics."

I have been successful, I have earned a lot of money. But if stress, anxiety, depression and panic attacks is a result hereof, the price is to high.

But as I wrote... I'll handle that, when I get to it. Right now I fight just to eat, sleep and get outside in despite of SAD, PTSD and whatever label they put on me this morning! So the option for a high end career is not back for me yet.

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Living with anxiety 3 - Social

Again I choose to talk about one line in Maslows Pyramid of Needs as a whole subject.
Interaction with other people, friendly conversations, family and love.
When I found myself totally burned out, I was at the absolute low point. I didn't even fulfil the needs of the first row.
Interaction with other people seemed so far away and I hated the sound of the phone ringing. I simply couldn't cope with anything, the very thought if visitors was unbearable.
But as I got better, and my first level started to be fulfilled, so did my spirit, mood and also desire to talk with other people besides obligations.
My need for touch, hugs and comfort was huge, however sex didn't even seem possible. As my fiance said "it's not the time right now. Don't worry about it."
So I tried not to worry and simply started to enjoy the "little things".

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Living with anxiety 2 - safety

I treat all subjects in the 2nd line of Maslows Pyramid of Needs a bit the same, since they are so much alike.
To feel safe, we need shelter from the weather and dangers. We need a "cave" to protect us from all outside influence of our wellbeing. We also need to feel the safety to be able to get help, if needed.

I think the main thing to focus on in regards to anxiety and depression is in short: "safety/security."

I tend to crawl into my safe spot. Here I have the upper hand, if I need to.

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Living with anxiety 1 - Air

When I get anxiety attacks, or panic attacks, it feels like my tounge is growing, and my throat is getting smaller.
My heart starts pounding, while an elephant sits on my chest, preventing me from breathing.
Sometimes I rip off my close, so nothing is touching my neck or chest, cause even the smallest weight is suffocating me.

When I had surgery the first time, I had oxygen mask for 4 days. Then I also got the little plastic thing on the right side of the picture, to help me when I was coughing. 

I  found that it helped me, not just at the hospital, but to calm me during a panic attack.

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Living with anxiety 1 - Sleep & Sex

Two other parts of the foundation of Maslows Pyramid of Needs is sleep and sex.
Find more Quotes and Cartoons at
Sleep
That's a huge challenge for me.
My record for not sleeping is 5.5 days, until my fiance brought me to the doctor, and I got something to make me relax.
Insomnia is yet another side effect of anxiety, depression, lack of protein  & PTSD.
It's another huge problem, since you are always tired, sometimes so tired you are not allowed to drive a car, which makes insomnia yet another reason, you can lose your job.

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Living with anxiety 1 - Food & Drink

I'm going to focus on "living with anxiety".
With Maslows Pyramid if Needs in mind, I would try to live with it, so today I'll talk the basic need: food and drinks.

The whole time I've tried to escape anxiety, but instead of "running",  I try to "plan" what to do, when it hits.

"If you can't beat them, join them"

It's a disability, sure it is, but after giving up on medication, and the realization that I never will be totally "cured", I needed to try something to avoid yet another total mental breakdown. So I tried this, and it helped me a great deal.

Back to basic needs: Food and Drinks.

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Living with Anxiety - Maslows Pyramid of needs

As I described in another post "Make friends with your anxiety", I won't say we are friends, but during time I have developed some tools, survival techniques, which other people could find useful themselves.

I talked about a pyramid of needs, Maslows Pyramid, and I promise, I won't go into a theoretical painting of the anxiety.

It is however useful to figure out, when deciding, what survival techniques, that works for you.

Maslows Pyramid of needs is a schematic way of looking at the needs of a human beeing. 

Starting at the bottom with the most basic needs, to the top to totally fulfill the needs of a functioning human beeing. 

Perhaps it would be more natural to start from the top of the pyramid, but just as a building, we cant get to the top and lay on the roof, before the foundation is finctional.

1st layer: (bottom, foundation) physical needs

At the bottom we have the most essential needs to excist:

• air
• food
• water
• sleep
• sex

We could argue, that sex is not necessary, but as for humans as a species, we need to procreate. Its sex, not love - which is also why I use a blue heart to symbolize this.

2nd layer; safety, security

We need protection from the elements (house/shelter), safety from outside dangers, good health, financial (job) security, etc. All in all we need to feel safe.

3rd layer; contact

Surprisingly (for me) the extrovert needs like 

• contact with other people 
• to be a part of a family / a group of friends
• conversation
• intimacy
• love 

- comes in 3rd.

However when you think about it, if you are dying of thirst (1st layer), or are being chased by wild animals (2nd layer) - who gives a s*** about decent conversation(?)

4th layer; self esteem

Pretty self explanatory - I don't plan to get in dept with that, for now at least.

5th layer; self realization

Pretty self explanatory - I don't plan to get in dept with that, for now at least.

To sum it up, this was a very very short description of the Maslow Pyramid of Needs. 

I'll explain more about the survival techniques I use to live a life with anxiety, based on this pyramid since its actually a pretty good starter point.

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I feel social phobia taking over

I need to get back to you on other "survival techniques" and jump right to social phobia and how I cope with that.
Cause I have that particular problem right this moment, and I know, if I do nothing, it'll just be downwards a slope, and fast!

SO, there's nothing else to do, than to get out there!!!

I disguise myself - not as obvious as the dog - but you get the picture...

For me its Cap, Sunglasses a big scarf - and I bring the dog, since I (in my sad little brain) convince myself, that people are looking at the qute dog.

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Make friends with your anxiety

WHAT?
I'm sure I looked at the shrink in a very funny way, with open mouth, drewling from a shock frozen face.
I never heard something as stupid. I've spend half my life running from anxiety. Running from something horrible that was inside myself and therefore and impossible to escape. That was my biggest question, how to run away from something that's inside - how do you run away from yourself, that's an impossible task.

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You are fucking insane - she said

There's stuff I simply can't forgive.
On top of that list goes persons, who is using my sickness in an argument, just because they can't beat me in the  discussion.
It's definitely the lowest blow of all.
From family it's even worse. 

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PTSD and anger

I've changed since I started this blog.
The doctor told me to be prepared for strong emotinal reactions and some that I didn't even recognise.
Well how's this for a change(?)

I am angry.
No I'm way past angry, and upset...
I feel pissed off!
In the situation I have no empathy for the other party at all. I just want to beat the he'll out of them, slam them into the ground and kick them repiedetaly until I have used all my energy to get this person down for life.

My anger is especially pointing towards people who let me down and even stole from me, when I was at the buttom of my life.

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Now what(?)

I've been to surgery several times, and for bed rest even longer to heal.
So even though my surgery isnt all done, I had to start rehabilitation program at the Hospital, to be strong enough for next surgery.
Depressing in itself perhaps, but I try to look at it as positive as I can.

I'm on sickleave, I can't work and I'm not allowed to. It's for sure a challenge to make ends meet.
I would love to help my children out financially since they study, but they manage as well as I did without help from my mom and dad.

My memory is a problem, and as for now, I would not be able to work efficient, and I hate that.

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Update 2018: fysical health

Afterwards I see the symptoms... I was getting more and more tired, but couldn't sleep. Sometime I went to work after no sleep in 4 days.
My son told me, I should not be driving, when I was so tired, it's dangerous.
I couldn't lift 2 buckets with 10 litres in each bucket anymore. First I only could do one, after that none at all.
I felt useless, I started to have an unclear vision. I didn't feel hungry, but stressed out.
I should move out of my huge house. I should take care if the children and not let them see, that I didn't feel okay.
One day I almost fainted on my way down the stairs with my laptop in the bag. I simply didn't have the strength to move myself or any stuff. My blood pressure was skyrocketing, and I felt bad.

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Update 2018: Mental health, PTSD

Let's talk about the new diagnose - I have 2, mental and now fysical.

MENTAL:
Well, to try something "new",  I got yet a new diagnose.
PTSD.
My first reaction was "I'm not a soldier and have never experienced war."

But this doctor simply put THE diagnose that fits in 10 minutes.
Back from the hospital I read about it a lot, it fits perfect.
"Under severe stress for several years".

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Update 2018: medicine

I don't write when I'm below down. Then I'm worth absolutely nothing. That also means, that you won't get any new posts in that period if time. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.

I'll focus on getting you up to speed, it will make it more easy to follow.

As for medicine, I get a huge load of minerals and vitamins.
I refused to take anything anymore, that effects the mind long term.

I have relaxation medication for anxiety attacks, which I take very rare. Other than that: nothing.

I have yet a new diagnose PTSD.
Apparently that's not just for soldiers, but for people who have lived too long under extreme stress.

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