Psychologist Visit 5 - Anxiety Has Control!

My Psychologist started the meeting with asking me, how its going with my weight and eating.
The very thought of food, cooking and eating makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with food at all.
My Psychologist wanted to focus on that. First of all because my weight is critical, but secondly also because - as I had told him - I loved to cook before. I was good at it, and I could spend hours in the kitchen and loved it.
Apparently there's other problems connected to "food", than just lack of appetite and a hidden wish to die.

To cut to the main case, he found, that my problem with food is not actually "with food."
It's simply because when we sit down at the dinner table in the evening, it is totally obvious, that there's a person missing. In my thoughts, we are not a family, because we lack the father figure of the family. This again makes my mind go to the thought, that the future, I had in my mind, is gone. And now I see no future.
That "thought circle" triggers my anxiety, and when anxiety takes control, the normal reaction is "to run." To try to escape from whatever scares you.
Escape can be done in many ways. Computer gaming (another world), drinking, medication, drugs....

However, as it is right now, my anxiety is controlling me. My condition is controlling me. We need to twist that around. I need to take control, and that's not going to be an easy task.


My "task" sort of speak, until the next Psychologist session, is to sit down at the dinner table and eat. In the beginning just even for a minute... Try to sense what is going on inside my body, and separate that, from what is going on in my mind. Feel the emotions and at the same time feel what my physical state is telling me!!!
If I can...
As My Psychologist said, it's not an easy task. It will be damn hard, and it will require me to stay put in a position, where my whole system is twisting and tells me "I should not be here."
So... Wish me luck