Depression And Sorrow

After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog... Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90... I feel...

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If you consider ....

I ask you one more thing, if you can handle it. Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help other...

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I'm Down, Big Time Down

I have been down before, but this time... I don't know... I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another. I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough. There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on ear...

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Fighting Low Self Asteem And Depression

At work, we are discovering new ways of creating CO2 friendly energy. It's also wearing me out! But this will help with reducing not only CO2 emission, but also methane emission - which has a 22 times stronger effect.So it's big time important!!! I love to be a part of this - actually I have the main part in this, since my lab is the one running the first - now second and third results. Everyone is constantly calling me for "updates" - so I had to put my phone on hold. Spain, Portugal, USA, Sweden, wherever we build a plant, they are asking me...

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Escape AKA Pushing The Pause Button

I have been mentioning the term "to escape" a lot of times, but I have never really described it. When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions. In general I have a lot of options to do that: Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too) Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often. To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need...

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Anxiety Attacks AKA Panic Attacks

Anxiety or panic attacks has control of me now. I do not control the attacks, they control me. With help from my Psychologist and the tools he gives me, I work on twisting that around. I continue research. As famous people during history has said: Knowledge is power (Sir Francis Bacon) The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance (Socrates) I think anxiety has been following me throughout childhood. It is buried deep inside of me. And that's the reason, that I try to escape. The question is: how do you escape from a panic attack(?) Normal...

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My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself.... But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you". Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone. It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good. I miss the time, when he...

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My boys goals canged after his father died

According to my Psychologist I have changed a lot lately. My boy has too. When he was 6 and until he his father died, he wanted to educate himself as veterinarian. It was  a big change for me to hear, that he changed his wish to be in IT. I know, where that wish came from. Shortly after his father died, he pronounced, that he wanted to be in IT (just like my ex boyfriend.) My boy had found a new "father figure", that he wanted to be like. I wonder, if that will change, now that my boyfriend has left us in that horrible way. But as everything...

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Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today. He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials...

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I'm Bleeding Again

I can't believe it, I have started to bleed again. It's not like when I had the violent hemorrhage, now it feels more like a normal period. But its not 28 days since I last had the hemorrhage, so... I really need to get checked out, because something can have went wrong, when I had the abortion - I just don't have the energy. Besides they can't check me, when I'm bleeding. Tiredness is overwhelming, I guess its both from the sickness during the weekend and the period. And besides, its not like I'm overweight, and I lack appetite to eat still. I...

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I Feel I'm At The Finish Line

My healt is, as I previous told you, not in very good condition. After my mental breakdown, I lost a lot of weight, and even though I have gained some of it back, I seem to attract all the bad stuff out there. Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!! I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running,...

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My Ex Husband

I miss my husband so much right now. Even though "king alcohol" took him in possession totally in the end, which made him a horrible person - I knew he was in there somewhere. I wish so much, that I could have done something more to help him... My doctor (which was also my husbands doctor) says, that I did everything possible to help him. But he couldn't fight the desire to drink. When he didn't drink too much, he was the most wonderful person on earth. When he drank too much however, very bad things happened. My mom constantly tells me, that I...

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I Have The Worst Panic Attack This Morning

My little girl is on a sleep over at a friend. My boy is still sleeping. I'm in my "safe spot", which is the sofa, and I have managed to fire up the fireplace and make chamomile tea. But anxiety is eating me up right now. I try to write my feelings out at the moment. I'm so scared about the future. What will come next(?) It doesn't really feel like life has been good to us lately. Will I ever be able to get on the other side of this(?) There's so many thoughts building up inside... I have to go to an examination to get my uterus checked after...

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him. After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either. On...

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Despite Of Anxiety I Got Out Of The House

I haven't been able to do much during my vacation. I have  a lot of plans, but I can't seem to find the energy or desire to make the work. I prefer to curl up in a corner of the sofa and sit under a big blanket, watch a movie, that I do not really follow - or escape into other places in computer games. We went to my parents for a break from the surroundings at home. And it has been both good and less good to be there. Good because I don't have to worry about shopping, figuring out what to serve for dinner, cook etc. Still the desire just to...

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Valentines Day Without a Love

So it was valentines day yesterday. Everywhere you go you see the advertisements, send flowers, cards, chocolates to your love...  Prepare a wonderful dinner for your love, invite your love out for at wonderful dinner... Thank you, and when you don't have a loved one to share this with, it really feels like the advertisements is just trying to blast it in your face. All day I had to fight my self not to send a mail to my ex boyfriend. I kept telling myself, that what I miss, it didn't even exist. To me the love between us was wonderful and...

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Visit From Social Services

Wednesday I got a letter from Social Services, telling me nothing, but they wanted to come to a meeting at my house today. I actually expected that it would come at some point, so I was not surprised, but anxiety immediately took over, when I saw, that there was a letter from Social Services. I called my mom, and told her... "I have a letter here, I'm too scared to open it - I need you in the phone, when I do that." The letter explained nothing, just that they had a cause to visit me and my family, and that it would be today. The lady from Socials...

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Psychologist Visit 5 - Anxiety Has Control!

My Psychologist started the meeting with asking me, how its going with my weight and eating. The very thought of food, cooking and eating makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with food at all. My Psychologist wanted to focus on that. First of all because my weight is critical, but secondly also because - as I had told him - I loved to cook before. I was good at it, and I could spend hours in the kitchen and loved it. Apparently there's other problems connected to "food", than just lack of appetite and a hidden wish to...

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Panic Attacks - How Does It Feel(?)

I have experienced panic attacks before, but after my mental breakdown, I get them a lot. My friend and neighbor has seen me have panic attacks several times. I think it scared her a lot the first time she saw it, and I wonder, if people in general know, how awful it is - how it feels... Perhaps its different from person to person, I can only TRY to describe, how it feels for me. To describe it is actually difficult, since the fear takes full control of my mind and body, and I'm not totally aware of my condition in the moment, but here goes... I...

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Keeping focus: I Had a Mental Breakdown

I try to keep focus on the fact, that I'm sick, as my Psychologist told me. I try to keep my ambition level to a minimum, wash clothes, do shopping, make dinner. Keep the family going, and not have any other ambitions than that. Other than that, it still hunts me, that I could be treated like that, from a man that I loved SO much. And still get treated like a shit - nothing - it's like I never excisted! I continued  my research, and I found this: You probably feel like you have been through an emotional meat-grinder, like your soul is just...

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After my mental breakdown I felt numb, I wish...

After I had my mental breakdown, or nervous breakdown - whatever they call it - I felt numb. Like feeling nothing at all, I was just a zombie, or a robot, doing what I had to do. Right now I wish I was back in that place, where I feel numb. Depression has hit me hard, and I get the worst anxiety attacks. There's so much practical stuff, that I wish I could do, but just the thought of it makes me scared. I feel I should just command my body to get moving and get stuff done - but I cant. The Psychologist said, that I should accept, that I am sick...

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Personal note: Cutting My Self

I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children. My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away. I know its insane, but thats how I am right now.  I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't. I dont want to be here, I want to...

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I Have No Desire Or Motivation To Do Anything

I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. A little task like making tea can seem totally overwhelming. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower... I literally have to force myself to do it. I feel like being nothing for my children. I wish so bad that I could do more for them, do something with them, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything. I feel like my doctor told me: "when so much has happened to you, its totally understandable, that you get the thought: if this is life, I have had enough. Goodbye and thank you!" Fortunately...

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Personal - Violent Haemorrhage

I got scared today. I was on the phone during a car drive. When I got off the car, I felt something running down my legs... I told the person, that I was on the phone with, to call my collegue. I felt something running down my legs, like when I had the miscarriage. I was scared as hell. When I got into my lab building, I thought I would be alone - but I saw my co-leader there, sitting at the meeting table in my office. My co-leader and me, there's nothing between us, but the desire to make the plants running. However we have both been involved...

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Personal Note - Have We Lost Our Pictures (?)

I'm scared that the children and me has lost our pictures and movie clips of the children and our family from the last decade of our life. My ex boyfriend took all the hard drives in December, and even though he promised to send the files to me, we have not received anything. I send him a mail the 27. January, and asked for answers for several things - and that I would like an answer within a week. Of course I didn't get an answer. I tried to talk with his brother about it through Skype, but I feel him hostile to me, so I can only guess, what...

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Psychologist Visit 4 - Remember What He Did to You

My thoughts is still primary focused on how a person I loved so much, could treat me like this - and since he could do that, I must be a horrible person. My Psychologist started to break down the whole episode into little pieces, and talked with me about those events: My boyfriend knew, that I had already been through a lot this year, and even so, he apparently couldn't accept, that those events of course had a huge effect on me and the children. The Sunday, my boyfriend left, the last conversation we had together, was about me wishing, that...

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