Depression And Sorrow

After all the bad words has been said between my ex boyfriend and me, all the anger caused by frustration, desperation, despair... After going through a total mental breakdown, abortion, getting rid of the dog...

Today, what I have inside of me, is simply depression and sorrow. Deep sadness caused by thinking about the future, that I thought, we should have together. A baby growing inside of me, watch him growing up, getting old together with my love, dying together with my love in a little cabin in the mountains at the age of 90...

I feel the depression running through me, and I know it will be a big part of the "healing." After all, the total numbness I felt during my mental breakdown is a dissociation, a defense. Now I feel the feelings, and I have to go through them, otherwise I wont get to the other side of this.

But its not easy! Sometimes it seems feeling numb was better. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, a part of me has died. It's so beautiful put in this movie clip from the movie Twilight:

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

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If you consider ....

I ask you one more thing, if you can handle it.
Watch 7 pounds, and at least we can do is leave with pieces of ourselves that will help others.

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I'm Down, Big Time Down

I have been down before, but this time... I don't know...
I feel I am running around in circles, from one bad thing to another.
I cant do it anymore, I feel finished with life, I have had enough.
There is no hell in the afterlife - hell must be right here on earth!

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Fighting Low Self Asteem And Depression

At work, we are discovering new ways of creating CO2 friendly energy. It's also wearing me out! But this will help with reducing not only CO2 emission, but also methane emission - which has a 22 times stronger effect.So it's big time important!!!
I love to be a part of this - actually I have the main part in this, since my lab is the one running the first - now second and third results. Everyone is constantly calling me for "updates" - so I had to put my phone on hold.
Spain, Portugal, USA, Sweden, wherever we build a plant, they are asking me for solutions and answers. That's cool.
But depression is eating me up. I wish I could see the positive of what I am doing, instead I have the tendency to focus on all the shit that I lack to do.

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Escape AKA Pushing The Pause Button

I have been mentioning the term "to escape" a lot of times, but I have never really described it.
When I talk about escape, I talk about escaping form emotions.
In general I have a lot of options to do that:
Bury myself in work (I do that all day, and most often in the evening too)
Escape into another world like computer "gaming" - "second life", "runescape" or "world of warcraft." I also do that often.
To take more relaxing medication than described. I do that also sometimes. The last three days I have been doing it too much, and I really need to get that stopped.
To drink alcohol. I have done that also, mainly in the beginning of my mental breakdown. And that's a really bad idea, cause it also inflicts with medication etc., and it gives the worst "moral hangover".

I think everybody, who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks has tried a lot of different things to escape from it. Cause its really the worst experience, as I have tied to describe in an earlier post. I guess other people has tried and found other ways to escape. Some perhaps smokes hash, some do harder drugs - fortunately I personally don't have that desire.

The problem with escaping is, that the problems, that you try to escape from, will still be there afterwords. Escape is just like pushing the pause button to your life. It does not resolve the problems, its just a pause.

According to my Psychologist it is okay to "push the pause button" once in a while, and we should forgive ourselves for that, when we have done it. We are only humans, and anxiety can really be so hard to fight, that escaping from ourselves in one way or another seems to be the only alternative to suicide.

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Anxiety Attacks AKA Panic Attacks

Anxiety or panic attacks has control of me now. I do not control the attacks, they control me. With help from my Psychologist and the tools he gives me, I work on twisting that around.
I continue research. As famous people during history has said:

• Knowledge is power (Sir Francis Bacon)
• The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance (Socrates)

I think anxiety has been following me throughout childhood. It is buried deep inside of me. And that's the reason, that I try to escape.
The question is: how do you escape from a panic attack(?)
Normal people feel fear in dangerous situations. First thing in a mind of a person in fear is flee - run away from the "thing" that is threatening you.

But we who suffer from panic and anxiety attacks - we have to flee from ourselves. Because the dangerous situations is in our minds, and the people we hate the most is ourselves - so I guess the "question" for today is:" how do we escape from ourselves?"

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My Ex Boyfriend

I must be stupid, ignorant or have the desire to hurt myself....
But this morning, when I came to work, I was missing the little notes, that we always wrote to each other on skype. "I have arrived safely at work, the road was fine. I love you".
Those little notes made me feel, we were "together" all the time, and I guess I need that. To feel close to someone.
It didn't really matter to me, that I knew, that he was doing nothing at home. I guess it was the safety of having a man to come home to, that made me feel good.

I miss the time, when he was telling me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was - not only beautiful as "pretty" - but beautiful as a person. He noticed, and made it worth to me, that I have an amazing empathy for other living beings. Not just people, but a little duck in the pond, a little dog on the road... And of course especially people in general.
But I guess, that he noticed that so especially, because he lacks empathy himself. My ex boyfriend (as my Psychologist told me) must have an empathy disorder, caused by being a psychopath or a narcissist. Otherwise he would not be capable to do to me, what he did.

Despite of everything he has done to me, I still miss him. Especially as a friend. Before we met in real life, we had the most wonderful talks ever. I miss talking to him most of all.
And after we met in real life and moved in together, I miss laying my head on his shoulders in the evening, feeling the heat from his body and falling asleep knowing, that he would take care of me.
Fact is: He actually never did take care of me... When I was sick, he never made me a soup or a cup of tea. But just the feeling that he was there, made me feel good.

I guess what I miss, is the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Someone I can rely on, a best friend, someone to hold me tight and give me a big hug. Someone to come home to. Someone to fall asleep with.

I realize, that what my ex boyfriend was doing was all a lie. I should have realized that, when he (before we met) told me, that "the truth is relative." I'm just too stupid, I  always want to believe in the best of a person.

I still miss him though - ignorant and stupid I must be - but I miss my ex boyfriend. Or... I miss what he represented to me: a husband to come home to, someone to feel close to, a best friend.

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My boys goals canged after his father died

According to my Psychologist I have changed a lot lately. My boy has too.
When he was 6 and until he his father died, he wanted to educate himself as veterinarian. It was  a big change for me to hear, that he changed his wish to be in IT.
I know, where that wish came from. Shortly after his father died, he pronounced, that he wanted to be in IT (just like my ex boyfriend.)
My boy had found a new "father figure", that he wanted to be like.
I wonder, if that will change, now that my boyfriend has left us in that horrible way. But as everything else, only time will show.

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Psychologist Visit 6: I AM In Progress

It has been almost 14 days since I last visited my Psychologist (because of vacation), and I felt that I really needed the meeting today.
He asked about vacation... Well, that started with the meeting with the social services, so I didn't find it that nice. I found the outcome nice however. But as my Psychologist said, I should think about that as a big progress. I have always had a great respect for authorities, and when something like Social Services comes knocking on my door, I follow commands. But this time - no. When the girl from socials called me to reschedule, I told her, that I didn't accept that. I couldn't go on vacation and be speculating about that meeting. I didn't want that - so she had to take overtime to go to us a bit later. And the outcome was perfect. She closed the case.
My Psychologist was very "proud" of me for doing that, it showed some fighting, and that is what I am doing. All the time. I just don't feel that what I do is good enough.

My Psychologist told me, that I still have to accept, that I am sick. I am on an emotional rollercoaster - I will have bad days and less bad days ;-)
My ex boyfriend took our life and future, and in one second crumbled it like a piece of paper and threw it into a waste basket. It is only natural, that I broke down because of that, but despite of all my ex did to me, I have went from a total mental breakdown to actually be functioning on daily basis. He was impressed, that despite of the fact, that I had been hit by a neutron bomb (that was his exact words) I was still standing.

We talked a bit about that BTW. If my ex boyfriend was a psychopath, narcissist, or suffering from some kind of empathy disorder. As I told my Psychologist: the description of all of those sicknesses, in general that can fit into anybody. My Psychologist responded with the fact, that yes of course it can, if you break the sickness into little pieces. What is important is "amount of damage done, frequency and afterward behavior".
So... Unfortunately psychopath is probably what I have been "hit by".

He also reminded me of the fact, that I climbed from a total mental breakdown, to now actually be a person, who is managing to take care of all the basics.

But here is the trap for me apparently. I don't want to do "just basic" stuff, like making sure, that the kids gets a good meal, they have clean clothes, and they do their homework - and of course manage my job. I also want to get stuff done around the house.
My Psychologist once again had to remind me, that I demand way to much from myself. I have to accept, that I am sick, and that I will get better more quickly, if I take the time to relax that I need to.

So once again... I'll do just the necessary stuff, and (try) not to worry about the rest of it.

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I'm Bleeding Again

I can't believe it, I have started to bleed again. It's not like when I had the violent hemorrhage, now it feels more like a normal period. But its not 28 days since I last had the hemorrhage, so... I really need to get checked out, because something can have went wrong, when I had the abortion - I just don't have the energy. Besides they can't check me, when I'm bleeding.
Tiredness is overwhelming, I guess its both from the sickness during the weekend and the period. And besides, its not like I'm overweight, and I lack appetite to eat still.
I have to start working after the vacation today. I don't feel up to it at all, physically, but I miss my work and my colleagues. So despite of everything, I think its going to be a good day.

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I Feel I'm At The Finish Line

My healt is, as I previous told you, not in very good condition. After my mental breakdown, I lost a lot of weight, and even though I have gained some of it back, I seem to attract all the bad stuff out there.
Last night I was running a fever 40,2. When I get fever like that, I have the weirdest dreams and my brain simply crashes. I remember looking at my fingers at seeing them as skeleton bones. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, thinking that I could wash off the bones!!!!
I forget, that I have turned on the water, so it was just running, until my boy closed it.
I get the weirdest dreams, and wake up bathing in sweat totally confused. I don't know, if the dream was real or not. First something about my ex boyfriend still being here in the house, and when I woke up, I couldn't find him. The something about me traveling to his current location dressed up as a soldier, armed and "dangerous" to threaten him to give me my pictures and files... Geez.

I'm of course vomiting again, and I can't hold anything down. So I guess my weight is climbing down again!
I feel worthless. I should take care of my children, but I can't right now. Even the very thought of food makes my stomach twist and turn. Fortunately they are big enough to make themselves lunch etc., but the thought of me not doing it, makes me feel bad.

I'm so tired of fighting. I feel I have had enough of life.

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My Ex Husband

I miss my husband so much right now.
Even though "king alcohol" took him in possession totally in the end, which made him a horrible person - I knew he was in there somewhere.
I wish so much, that I could have done something more to help him...
My doctor (which was also my husbands doctor) says, that I did everything possible to help him. But he couldn't fight the desire to drink.
When he didn't drink too much, he was the most wonderful person on earth. When he drank too much however, very bad things happened.
My mom constantly tells me, that I did whatever I could. I visited him in jail several times, when he was there for driving under the influence of alcohol. I paid all the tickets, that he got, for driving under the influence. I tried to get him into AA. But he would not, or perhaps he could not!

All this is about my husband, when he did not drink:
He was the most wonderful person. He was SO talented in his field of building, he was never out of a job. Everybody in the building industry knew his name.
The firm, when he was last hired, had an engineer, who on his phone made calls from my husband say "gold team".

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I Have The Worst Panic Attack This Morning

My little girl is on a sleep over at a friend. My boy is still sleeping. I'm in my "safe spot", which is the sofa, and I have managed to fire up the fireplace and make chamomile tea.
But anxiety is eating me up right now. I try to write my feelings out at the moment.
I'm so scared about the future. What will come next(?) It doesn't really feel like life has been good to us lately.
Will I ever be able to get on the other side of this(?)

There's so many thoughts building up inside...
I have to go to an examination to get my uterus checked after I had my Violent Hemorrhage.
Is there something wrong, since I had that - is that "something" the cause of my Miscarriage(?) Or is it after the abortion, something went wrong(?)

And what about the house(?) Will I be able to handle such a big house on my own(?) Or should I sell it and buy another smaller house(?) Even the thought of moving stresses me out. We have SO much stuff, packing it down seems like a never ending task. Not only our own stuff, but also the stuff from my ex boyfriend, and all the stuff we have, after the death of  the childrens father.

And will we ever be able to get our pictures back(?) I have - again - written a mail to my ex boyfriend in that matter, and of course I have still got no answer.

God, I cant handle all the shit right now, I will allow myself to escape to another place for a moment, and hope that I after a little while will manage to get rid of the anxiety and be able to get some stuff done in the house.

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What Was Actually Important To My Boyfriend(?)

We are back in the house after vacation or relaxation at my parents, and during unpacking, I discovered the gift, that my girl had made for my boyfriend, which was hidden inside my closet. He knew it was there, but didn't bother to even open it or take it with him.
After unpacking, I made a pot of tea, where I always use a special trivet to protect the table - also a gift from my little girl to my boyfriend. He didn't bother to take that either.

On the top of the piano, there's a sculpture made by my boy (I have to admit, that I don't really know what it is *smile*) - and a candlestick, also made by my boy, which is very beautiful. Both things was gifts for my boyfriend, but he didn't take those things with him.

So I guess now I see even more clearly, what was actually important to him. Or... Put in another way: I see what was NOT important to him.

The computer he cleaned out totally - look for yourself. I had this picture anyway, cause I am now in touch with my attorney to get my files back.
THATS what was important to him.
Computer hardware, that you can buy in any store!
Unique items, that children, that find you special enough to make a gift for you - that means nothing to him.
How cold and hardened can you be, when you find a gift from a child non important(?) 

I don't care about the hardware he took. I care about the files on that hardware. As I wrote before, it concerns not just files, the most important is pictures. Pictures from the last 10 years. And he still has not send it to me.

I realize, that we (the children and me) were not special to him. We meant nothing. We were just "tools".

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Despite Of Anxiety I Got Out Of The House

I haven't been able to do much during my vacation. I have  a lot of plans, but I can't seem to find the energy or desire to make the work. I prefer to curl up in a corner of the sofa and sit under a big blanket, watch a movie, that I do not really follow - or escape into other places in computer games.
We went to my parents for a break from the surroundings at home. And it has been both good and less good to be there. Good because I don't have to worry about shopping, figuring out what to serve for dinner, cook etc.
Still the desire just to escape from the real world is there. I don't have the desire to be with other people or get out of the house. Noise is annoying me, I just prefer to be left alone.
However something should happen, and we decided to go to the movies. Well, the children and my mom decided, I just followed. As the time came closer to the moment, where we had to leave the house and get out into "the real world", I felt my anxiety building slowly but surely. I really had to force myself to think about it as a positive thing, instead of making my thoughts focus on excuses not to go.

When we finally got to the cinema, I got a rush of the feeling of missing my boyfriend. He should be there with us, like he always used to be. I missed him, but I managed to find my Psychologist tool: "remember what he did to you" - and then it was over.

We had a great evening. We were watching Gulliver's Travels btw, and had a lot of laughs. After the movie I felt better actually. Getting out, doing something, getting new input, that's really good for me. I know that, but its just a fight to do it each time.
But they say, that time heals all wounds - I know its true. I just wish it would go a little bit more fast!

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Valentines Day Without a Love

So it was valentines day yesterday. Everywhere you go you see the advertisements, send flowers, cards, chocolates to your love...  Prepare a wonderful dinner for your love, invite your love out for at wonderful dinner...
Thank you, and when you don't have a loved one to share this with, it really feels like the advertisements is just trying to blast it in your face.

All day I had to fight my self not to send a mail to my ex boyfriend. I kept telling myself, that what I miss, it didn't even exist. To me the love between us was wonderful and I saw us having a beautiful future together. I was left in the most horrible way, and he ignored me totally, until he could use something from me.
Whether he really is a psychopath, a narcissist, or simply has an empathy disorder - it doesn't really matter. I need to focus on the tools from my Psychologist,"remember what he did to you."
And do I really want a boyfriend like that? Absolutely not.
But still, I miss the dream of the future, that we had. I had something to look forward to. However that was not true to him, and I need to remember that.

So now I guess, that what I miss, is that special one. The one who gives me true love. The one who respects me for what I am, with all the errors and mistakes that comes with being human. The one I can tell anything, without being scared of his reaction. The one who is my best friend, that I can share everything with - good days, as well as bad days.
Even though I am not ready to find a new love - I'm still licking my wounds - but I really hope he is out there somewhere...

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Visit From Social Services

Wednesday I got a letter from Social Services, telling me nothing, but they wanted to come to a meeting at my house today.
I actually expected that it would come at some point, so I was not surprised, but anxiety immediately took over, when I saw, that there was a letter from Social Services.
I called my mom, and told her... "I have a letter here, I'm too scared to open it - I need you in the phone, when I do that." The letter explained nothing, just that they had a cause to visit me and my family, and that it would be today.

The lady from Socials had tried to reach me many times during the day on the phone, but my work phone was always busy - so she called my private cell phone. Geez - how much can you multitask(?)
She was however very nice, and she came because they knew, that I have had a nervous breakdown and been suicidal. Meanwhile the kids had been away from the home and attended other schools. So she simply was interested to hear, how we have landed on our feet after so many traumatic experiences.

However, to make a very long story short: the Social Services found, that we handle things fine our selves, and they are very satisfied with the outcome. She decided to close the case.

The point is, that stuff like this is able to bring me into complete fear. Anxiety takes over, even for just little stuff like this. I really hope, that I will be able to get my panic attacks under control at some point...

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Psychologist Visit 5 - Anxiety Has Control!

My Psychologist started the meeting with asking me, how its going with my weight and eating.
The very thought of food, cooking and eating makes me feel sick. I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with food at all.
My Psychologist wanted to focus on that. First of all because my weight is critical, but secondly also because - as I had told him - I loved to cook before. I was good at it, and I could spend hours in the kitchen and loved it.
Apparently there's other problems connected to "food", than just lack of appetite and a hidden wish to die.

To cut to the main case, he found, that my problem with food is not actually "with food."
It's simply because when we sit down at the dinner table in the evening, it is totally obvious, that there's a person missing. In my thoughts, we are not a family, because we lack the father figure of the family. This again makes my mind go to the thought, that the future, I had in my mind, is gone. And now I see no future.
That "thought circle" triggers my anxiety, and when anxiety takes control, the normal reaction is "to run." To try to escape from whatever scares you.
Escape can be done in many ways. Computer gaming (another world), drinking, medication, drugs....

However, as it is right now, my anxiety is controlling me. My condition is controlling me. We need to twist that around. I need to take control, and that's not going to be an easy task.


My "task" sort of speak, until the next Psychologist session, is to sit down at the dinner table and eat. In the beginning just even for a minute... Try to sense what is going on inside my body, and separate that, from what is going on in my mind. Feel the emotions and at the same time feel what my physical state is telling me!!!
If I can...
As My Psychologist said, it's not an easy task. It will be damn hard, and it will require me to stay put in a position, where my whole system is twisting and tells me "I should not be here."
So... Wish me luck

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Panic Attacks - How Does It Feel(?)

I have experienced panic attacks before, but after my mental breakdown, I get them a lot. My friend and neighbor has seen me have panic attacks several times. I think it scared her a lot the first time she saw it, and I wonder, if people in general know, how awful it is - how it feels...
Perhaps its different from person to person, I can only TRY to describe, how it feels for me. To describe it is actually difficult, since the fear takes full control of my mind and body, and I'm not totally aware of my condition in the moment, but here goes...

I feel I cant breathe, like an elephant was sitting on my chest.
My heart is pounding so hard, that I think it will explode or jump out of my body.
I shake all over my body, the fear is incredible.
I want to run away, but there's nowhere to run.
Most often, I feel like vomiting, but not always. And that's usually "after" the attack, or in the end of it.
It's so painful. I have given birth to 2 wonderful children, but there's no comparison to that. I can't tell you, where it hurts. Just that it hurts, and the pain is incredible.
I want to scream out loud, but at the same time my body wants to crumble together - locked somehow. I get the desire to smash my head or my fist into a wall... Just to make the pain go away...! 

Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack)

Well, wikipedia has a description of a panic attack, some of it I have quoted above. I can only second that!

Since I experience panic attacks often, I know what it is, and I am able to (somewhat) during the attack, to realize, what is going on. However its equally frightening each time, and during a panic attack I will do anything to make the pain go away.

Looking at it from an "outside" view it can seem insane to want to smash your head into a wall, to make the pain go away! All I can tell you is, that I agree! That sounds insane from an outside view, because that would only cause more pain to the body.
However, during a panic attack, I really am in panic! It's so difficult to describe, but I have tried anyway. The desire to smash my head or fist into a wall, to cut myself, to do something painful to my body..... It comes from panic attacks being so painful in itself, that channeling the pain into something else - like physical pain - seems to be the only "way out".

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Keeping focus: I Had a Mental Breakdown

I try to keep focus on the fact, that I'm sick, as my Psychologist told me. I try to keep my ambition level to a minimum, wash clothes, do shopping, make dinner. Keep the family going, and not have any other ambitions than that.
Other than that, it still hunts me, that I could be treated like that, from a man that I loved SO much. And still get treated like a shit - nothing - it's like I never excisted!
I continued  my research, and I found this:

You probably feel like you have been through an emotional meat-grinder, like your soul is just raw and bleeding hamburger. (This is not said in humor since one victim described how she felt exactly that way!)
You met someone who was charming, talented and eloquent who most likely made you feel like a million bucks. And then, suddenly, at some point (usually beginning at the first moment you disagreed with him or her), you were made to feel like week-old garbage.
Hoping to restore the purity of that paradise you thought you were living in, you try everything you can think of to make it work, including closing your eyes and mind to the often vicious behavior of that person who is no longer the person you knew.  You just want the original person back; you believe that he or she is there, buried inside, behind some wall of hurt that only you can heal.  You may even see this original person from time to time, when you’ve had just enough to push you away for good – for just long enough to get you to stay and try again.
Little by little, you have to admit to yourself that what you are experiencing cannot be explained away by someone who is acting out of hurt; that what you are experiencing is just pure evil.
Charming, seductive and eloquent they are, and they use all those abilities when lying, manipulating and betraying. Psychopaths and narcissists can slash a path of human misery through lives of dozens, or hundreds, and even thousands, of people.
They bring pain and suffering to nearly everyone they touch.
( http://friedgreentomatoes.org/ )

 Well, that helps the understanding - I hope to find the "healing" somewhere in all this research.

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After my mental breakdown I felt numb, I wish...

After I had my mental breakdown, or nervous breakdown - whatever they call it - I felt numb. Like feeling nothing at all, I was just a zombie, or a robot, doing what I had to do.

Right now I wish I was back in that place, where I feel numb. Depression has hit me hard, and I get the worst anxiety attacks.

There's so much practical stuff, that I wish I could do, but just the thought of it makes me scared. I feel I should just command my body to get moving and get stuff done - but I cant.
The Psychologist said, that I should accept, that I am sick - but... That is really difficult. Both to accept it, but also practically. I'm alone, and I need to take care of the children. My neighbor stops by almost daily, and its nice to have an adult to talk with - but I really wish I was not alone with all the responsibilities that comes with taking care of the children and the house.
Practically I have difficulties with being sick, there's task that I need to do. But I can't find the energy, desire or motivation to do it.

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Personal note: Cutting My Self

I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now. 
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.

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I Have No Desire Or Motivation To Do Anything

I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. A little task like making tea can seem totally overwhelming. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower...
I literally have to force myself to do it.

I feel like being nothing for my children. I wish so bad that I could do more for them, do something with them, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything.

I feel like my doctor told me: "when so much has happened to you, its totally understandable, that you get the thought: if this is life, I have had enough. Goodbye and thank you!"

Fortunately my daughter is going for a sleep over tonight, so she does not have to see mommy sitting around looking empty out in the air. My boy is going out with some friends, so fortunately they are having some fun elsewhere.

I feel like a shit for not being able to do anything with them. Life seem like being only from one problem to the next. Happiness is non existing anywhere, and well - if I have one desire at all, it should be to "check out". But I can't do that to my children - so there's no way out anywhere.
I'm scared like shit, that I will not be able to fight this battle.

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Personal - Violent Haemorrhage

I got scared today. I was on the phone during a car drive. When I got off the car, I felt something running down my legs...
I told the person, that I was on the phone with, to call my collegue.
I felt something running down my legs, like when I had the miscarriage. I was scared as hell.
When I got into my lab building, I thought I would be alone - but I saw my co-leader there, sitting at the meeting table in my office. My co-leader and me, there's nothing between us, but the desire to make the plants running.
However we have both been involved in each others bad times, when that was nessesary.
But this time...
I was rushing to the toilet, and my friend of course knew that something was up.
Because I am too thin, I wear 2 sets of pants, the ones on the inside on that day, was sportswear - white.
It was totally obvious, that something bad happened, there was blood everywhere. I was bleeding through both the inside pants and my work pants (which fortunately is black.) But there was a blood trail following me, so...
My co-leader suggested, "well, its just your period" - well - he is a man - I told him, that I have had my period since I was 15, and nothing like this has ever happened before.
He wanted to drive me home, but well - Im an independent woman, I did it myself. Stupid!!!
I got to the personal doctor in time, she examined me and didn't find anything wrong besides my poor physical state in general (weight.)
Well, great...
I think Ill try to eat something now... See ya

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Personal Note - Have We Lost Our Pictures (?)

I'm scared that the children and me has lost our pictures and movie clips of the children and our family from the last decade of our life.
My ex boyfriend took all the hard drives in December, and even though he promised to send the files to me, we have not received anything.
I send him a mail the 27. January, and asked for answers for several things - and that I would like an answer within a week. Of course I didn't get an answer.

I tried to talk with his brother about it through Skype, but I feel him hostile to me, so I can only guess, what my ex is telling his family about me!
In that regard, I just have to remember, what the Psychologist told me: "don't worry about what he tells his family. If they are a little smart, they remember how you were, and they can just take a look at his actions and how he has treated you lately."
So... I try not to worry too much about that.

As I wrote... Today the week is up, and this time I have send him a mail concerning nothing else, but my wish to get the files, especially the pictures and movie clips of the children.

I remember some of our latest "conversations". I guess its a month ago now, that we last had a real conversation. My ex was constantly accusing me for "playing games" with him.
I don't see any "games" anywhere...
Or maybe that is exactly what it is - to him, I mean! A game!
Yet another way to make us "suffer."
The thoughts from the results of my research comes back: A Psychopath has no consciousness, and therefore deep down he does not care at all, that other people feels bad.

I hate, that I had to contact him again, I would really like this to be over with. I just don't want to have lost all the pictures and movie clips of the children. The thought is really scaring me, and I think my ex knows that, and has some kind of "joy" out of not sending us our files.
So I start to think: "have we lost our pictures(?)"

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Psychologist Visit 4 - Remember What He Did to You

My thoughts is still primary focused on how a person I loved so much, could treat me like this - and since he could do that, I must be a horrible person.

My Psychologist started to break down the whole episode into little pieces, and talked with me about those events:
My boyfriend knew, that I had already been through a lot this year, and even so, he apparently couldn't accept, that those events of course had a huge effect on me and the children.


The Sunday, my boyfriend left, the last conversation we had together, was about me wishing, that he would get back to language classes, perhaps part time - and the study at the engineering school, taking some classes with people, that had the same interests as him. After that he chose to leave. I was trying to do something good for him, but maybe he saw it as a demand. We will never know, my work for now is to focus on the fact, that I was trying to do something positive - and my boyfriend chose to leave.

So no matter that my boyfriend knew, that I was in a very fragile state, he chose to leave his pregnant woman and the children, without any kind of warning or decent talk about it at all.
My boyfriend knew, that we could not handle the dog, but still let it up to us to deal with it.
He also knew, that I was still suffering from the miscarriage, and even so he send me mails and demanded, that I got an abortion.
And he let me deal with the abortion alone.
After that he comes back with the car, packs some stuff and takes all the computer equipment with him, including all the pictures and movies of the children, their dead father... All the pictures we have - and he doesn't even send us the files.
Now he got what he wanted - and after that he ignores me totally!

The tool, I should use, is to think about those facts - when I miss my boyfriend.
And when I think, that I am a horrible person, I should remember what he did to me...

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