Personal note: Cutting My Self

I wish to quit life, but I can't because of the children.
My cutting, well, it's another form of getting the feelings away. Like the pain from vomitting. The pain makes me feel, that I am here, and it makes my other feelings go away.
I know its insane, but thats how I am right now. 
I do not do that right now, but I have a wish to - thats why Im writing.To get the feelings out. I want to take the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer and cut my wrist and my thighs to get the major blood veins. But I can't.
I dont want to be here, I want to quit. Yes. Call me a fucking quitter, but I give up.
I can't do life anymore. It's simply too damn hard.
I know I have to fight, but I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of life, theres no happiness in sight, just one problem after another.
Im sorry, I think Ill just go to the kitchen for a while, and see, if that will make me feel better. You dont have to feel worried, I'm not going to kill myself, because of the children I can't.
But I can make the pain go somewhere else...
See ya.