Depression and Anxiety returns

From one second to another, my job consultant took away all my progress.

I was a bit exited before the meeting, cause now there might be a solution. Just the hope inside was enough to make me want to get out of bed, even when I was sick and feeling bad.
Now I see no point in getting up, and I haven't really done anything productive since the meeting.

So now I am right back, where I started. 

I haven't left the house since Friday, when we were at the meeting. 

I don't even go out to play with the dog, I just call them from the door.

And the door... I'm in sort of a panic situation, if it's not locked. I know the dog will alarm me, if there's strange sounds, but anyway it's a must to me, that it's locked.

I was generally starting not to be scared of people in general anymore. Not even burglars.
I know where the riffles are, I have practiced shooting for a long time, and I'm able to hit a target so far away, that the men around me almost got impotent right on the spot. 

No, I'm not going to shoot anyone, it'll be sort of "come and join the party, the police will be here in a minute for excitement." That is if the dogs don't eat the intruders first.

I'm training Tai Chi, started with Qi Gong for balance and it developed. I like MMA, the idea of bringing the best from all fighting sports together. Fall and throw from Judo and Jujitsu, kicking and hitting, Tae Kwon Doe and Thai Boxing, etc etc. And I'm no newbie there, but I have been too physical weak to train.
So physical contact action I'm not scared of either.

Finally I thought it would be fun to train with cold steel throwing knives. It doesn't make noise in the area, so it doesn't bother the neighbors.

I don't think, I feel especially scared to get attacked anymore. I'm simply so angry from previous experience, that I think I'll counterattack violently.
So why the need for the locked door?

A couple of months ago, I could go almost everywhere, I had some seasonal affective disorder aka winter depression at a point, but that's quite normal here, when we don't have much sunshine during winter.

But that works totally different, I personally just feel tired and lazy all the time during winter. It's not to compare with severe depression in any way in my opinion.

I got an email from public service today. I was sure, they had decided to take away all my social security money for walking away from the meeting.
I wrote to my fiance, and he told me, he would help me check, when he came home. Fortunately it was property tax, and nothing related to the meeting.

But they can take away my money and give me nothing, if I don't attend to their liking. But I'm SO afraid, it's simply not anything I can handle right now.

And then I bring out "my system."
WHY am I afraid?
They are not going to kill me...

But I have had so many different doctors and therapists and experts to tell me, that I suffer from this, then it's that, and a 3, with a total of 7 different diagnoses.
And in all this chaos, they change my medication often, so my brain was a mushroom of chemicals. I don't need yet a diagnose from a person, who's a job consultant.

Now I WAS fine, and the PTSS / PTSD diagnose fit my symptoms, and I was - as the doctor predicted - getting better and better, all I needed was no stress and no demands for a period, how long he could not say. 

Then I started to answer the phone again and later on I managed to sit behind my computer. I started to get out, I really felt a huge progress. And then BAM - I stuck my head too high above ground level and got hit with a golf club.

I am not going to take it anymore. I avoid doing things that provoke me, and therefore I chose to stay away.

This has been going on for many many years, and I always started to work too early, with bad results there of. So now I stay away from the job consultant, until I'm ready to face her. Its like the suspect you from trying to cheat your way to health benefits, and if you dont have a bandage around your head, there cant be anything wrong with you. I simply cant work with persons without respect for psychological disease, cause I cant respect them and their lack of knowledge either.

But no matter what, they can take the little money I get, when I don't "obey", even though its cause by my illness. So I have to see, what happens. And that's not to my liking: uncertainty.

Yes I want to work, if you think otherwise, this is the first post you read in my diary!
But I want to be well, when I start again. Otherwise I just end up with a bad experience, like the co-boos wife telling me, how bad a mother, I am. I'm actually kind of scared to meet her on the street at some point, not because I am ashamed, because I know I love my children. I asked them, and they say "of course mom, why are you asking such a silly question." My mom also told me to forget about it, because the particular lady apparently knew nothing about me or my family, since she could come up with a statement like that.

But forget it, is not possible for me. It has hurt too much for too long to know, that people I loved and trusted, thought about me in this way. And they chose to believe in rumors, instead of me. I cant forgive that, and I'm afraid what to meet her on the street. Not afraid of her, but what I in the situation might do to her.

I am not normally a violent person, but the PTSS has made me very aggressive. In combination with people, that I have loved and trusted, and they let me down - I really am very unsure, of what I'm capable of doing to them. No I'm not afraid of them, I'm afraid of what I might do to them.

Please God, let me be able to control myself
control my anger and aggressiveness,
so I do not bring any harm to other people,
no matter what they have done to hurt me. 

When I start working again, I'll have to be able to fight such things back and not give me the final push into the big nothing.

So I'm afraid to get information about new diagnoses, I candle any more experiments. I feel like a laboratory rat.
I'm afraid to get all my information about me and my health during my whole life exposed. Not that I have anything to hide, but the cashiers at the groceries store doesn't have to know, do they?
And with the amount of information that's apparently flying around between offices in public service, I don't need mine mixed up in there.

With lack of work, I probably can't move. Not alone anyway. So in worst case scenario I'll never move back to my childhood area by the ocean, as I have wished for all my life. I'll have to spend the rest of my life in an area I hate, and where people talk about me behind my back.

And all this uncertainty is the worst.

Don't you just love the demands society puts on us?
I don't need to mention, that I haven't slept for more than 4 hours since the meeting, do I(?)

Well, I'm sorry I have nothing positive to share today, but all the shit is spinning around in my head, so this is mainly what my days are like right now. I can try to watch a movie, but 5 minutes after it starts, my mind is already drifting.

My boyfriend calls it something like "she is staring empty at the wall - or alike... She has been staring empty at the wall for 5 hours, so thank you for your invitation, but I don't think today is a good day..."

I hope you're holding up out there. And don't give up. It might seem like I might resign from the "game." But this is just yet another battle on the road. 

I might have lost this fight, but the war is not over before I check out.

Huge hugs.