Happy new year.
Sorry to start without any huge enthusiasm, but each year I hope everything gets better - and I always get disappointed. So let's not take a walk thru that park again!
I had a bit of a shitty day yesterday, now my BF is going back to work, and I can be very scared to be alone.
I didn't want to annoy anyone with this, I'm so tired of feeling whining. So I called a friend who I trust equally as family, to get a lifeline.
The PTSD is stress related, and to me it means computers, phones, paperwork, noice, especially noice from the sound of a lot of people talking i a huge area.
So all the stress is really bad for me. Christmas is supposed to be joyful and a happy time.
Come to think of it: I have actually never experienced that.
I always look so much forward to see everyone, and then it's over almost before it started.
This year mom was sick, coronatest to be done, Christmas tree, food, gifts, doctors, physical therapy. Do we make it in time....
And we did, we made it, it was so comfy and delightful to have the kids around me.
And BAM, then it's all over and the kids at home by themselves and my BF is back at work and I'm back being alone.
The house it is empty and sad, here's ofcourse always a lot to do here. But when sadness takes over, I become passive. I do not get outside, it triggers the anxiety.
So I shoud stay inside and relax. But if I get behind in tasks, it triggers my stress and PTSD.
It's like 3 diseases that reinforce each other and I can't seem to find the method, that will make my inner system work together.
So I was about to fall. I do not know how it feels to you?
To me, it's like a big giant hole deep in the ground. And in that hole, there is a wind like a tornado, that just sucks everything down into the deep darkness. Sucks the last bit of strength and energy, sucks life itself out of you.
I suddenly found myself on that edge, feeling like I was getting sucked down.
And I do not want to go there, but the more I was fighting to stay out, the closer to the edge I seemed to get.
I reached for a lifeline just to go through those hours, then I was "back" on safer ground.
No matter what, I'm gonna have to relax today.
I can't handle yet ano trip to the buttom.
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