- the talk with the job consultant is tomorrow. Last time I walked out on them because of false accusations.
Schedule Yeah Right
I apparently get easily distracted, when I'm trying to work out of the depressive state.
I had plans, but I used my time for other stuff.
I am ready to start schedule a bit
I really feel down because of the insurance money. I feel I just live day by day with no hope for a change to the better in my situation.
But I refuse to give in.
1 step forward
- and 2 steps back, darn the fight is hard.
Especially today.
I thought I hade quite an amout on my account from the stuff people stole from me, before I moved out.
Unfortunately I didnt have an overview of the stolen stuff, and I couldn't handle paper work. I couldn't even touch a computer for the first year. And just thinking about it made me feel sick. My boyfriend promised to report it, but kept putting it off, so now they claim we filed too late.
So it's a never ending story. Each time I think theres a little money coming, I get stuck in a shit hole.
God I can't breathe, I want to get out of this place, where You are useless as soon as you're sick.
My way to get out of depression
Well, what a wonderfuld ting to have a list like that, do this, follow this "recipe" point by point - and your depression has joined Elvis and left the building.
If you think a such list exist, I'm sorry to disappoint you. It doesn't. Anyone claiming to have a way out like that, is scamming you.
I have never written a list or used one before, but I'll try to explain, what I personally do.
1. Accept that I'm sick and need a "break from life."
I sleep a LOT, don't answer the phone, don't watch the news. It's pure survival basis. Maslows lowest part of the system. Eat, breathe, sleep, stay warm.
2. Getting a bit better I start to return to life long enough to watch a TV show or a movie.
3. When I'm ready to start such things, I focus on personal hygiene, since this is much needed at this point.
As a personal "rule", I demand one thing of myself. When I did this today, then I can't return to nothing tomorrow. I must keep up going forward.
4. When I leave a room, I must make more order before I leave, than when I entered the room.
Now I also must start the battelse to get out. Maybe just sit outside on the stairs to the house with a cup of tea, waiting not to throw up from anxiety.
5. I keep going forward. As allways, the route has many bumps on the way, and I am very hard on myself. SO consider carefully to try it, before you do it. Or do it with precaution. I'm NOT a doctor, I'm not educated in this stuff - I "only" have 20 years of experience living with it.
An beware also about the 20 years. I know a lot about my feelings, how hard to push myself and it takes time to learn.
I force myself into situations, that I would run away from, to confront my anxiety.
Not because I like it, who would like to be so scared, thet are about to sacrifice their last meal on their shoes(?) But I test my limits to see progress.
SO, try taking it very slow. Remember the start rule, what you do today, you must also do tomorrow.
Don't force yourself too hard the first many many times. Accept it takes time. A little progress is better than nothing.
I'm currently at 3,4 and 5 at the same time, so a little here, a little there...
Now I'll for instance go with the dogs to the greenhouse to work there. It both in the open and even so closed. SO let's see what happends.
If everything else fails, I'll retreat to my safe spot.
Adult bullying
As a child, if you get bullied, you can't wait to grow up, where people treats each other nice.
Ha!
Weren't we fooled.
It has been a fight just to get out of bed
Panic attacks on top of panic attacks
I found out, that my ex has moved.
Apparently he has been to jail, for violence, now he is out and has moved to another town.
Going public AND stay anonymous
My wonderful long time friend and now blog manager CC (Clarise Canning), takes all the heat from me.
If she didn't act as "my filter", I bet I would not write anymore.
I beg to get out of this depressive state
I feel so lost. I can't seem to find myself.
The strong part of me, that actually defines me more than many other of my personal resources, is lost.
A stranger in the family
In my life, up until my husband died, I've done everything correct and what was expected from me in my entire life.
I was the go-to girl, the one always in control. Popular and more than welcome at family get togethers.
Now I'm the black sheep.
Physical symptoms of psychological sickness
I have had difficulties with breathing the last months. It has changed for the worse.Before I felt like I didn't get enough oxygen, now I can only take small breaths, otherwise I feel a stinging pain. And since I don't have a knife planted into my chest, it must be caused by something else
.
I think it's the feeling of being trapped.
Now You See Me - not
I've done exactly what I do "normally", when I've kissed the floor - sort of speak. I put up all my defenses, all psychological shields.
I've also gone hiding from input, protecting myself from the world. I have no outside contact to other than the closest people: my children, my mom and of course my fiance.
Still here - sort of
Sorry (Clarise) for not writing.
I was knocked out, I'm still on the floor ignoring the judges counting the seconds.
Other shit has hit, while I was down.
My BF accused me from stealing from him (long story) I definitely have not. I might be poor, but I'm not either a bad friend or a criminal.
But I'm laying on the floor in the boxing ring and I hear the judge counting down, and I wonder:
Is it worth it anymore?
Is it worth the fight?
The scary part is, that I actually start to think, that I'm tired of this world, I had enough.
Not only do we have to fight a mental disease, but...
When people bad mouth you without consideration of the effect on me and my family...
When they do it at work, instead of remembering, who you really are...
When friends, you thought were friends, turn into anything but!
When people bad mouth you without consideration of the effect on me and my family...
When they do it at work, instead of remembering, who you really are...
When friends, you thought were friends, turn into anything but!
If I am supposed - on top of that - to be accused of being a thief in the family, and besides that, I'm just an expense, cause I can't work...
I don't see any changes for the better in my future, each time I have a spark of hope, its taken away immediately - and I have to be honest...
Right now I disappear into an imaginary world of dreams, when I can sleep.
Right now I disappear into an imaginary world of dreams, when I can sleep.
When i'm awake, I try to escape into worlds like Avatar or similar.
When I do stuff in the house, it's more like a robot.
I've noticed, I don't smile, I don't laugh, I don't cry. I don't feel sad or happy.
If I feel anything at all, it's tired.
Tired of fighting.
If I feel anything at all, it's tired.
Tired of fighting.
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