A stranger in the family

In my life, up until my husband died, I've done everything correct and what was expected from me in my entire life. 

I was the go-to girl, the one always in control. Popular and more than welcome at family get togethers.

Now I'm the black sheep. 

Like everything bad that has happened, is my fault. Like I'm suddenly no longer worth the time, the only reason I do get invited to anything in this family is cause they feel obligated to.

I could understand that, if I had turned out to be a murderer, repeatedly involved in law breaking, mean to animals and people etc etc. But my biggest crime was to get sick.

I have my children, my BF and sometimes my mom. I feel lucky that I am not all alone, but the thought of being thrown away because of a mental disease is really weird. And I know it shouldn't bother me, I should tell myself that I'm better off - but yet there's a little something inside that keeps popping up and nagging me.

I'd like to show up decent for once. All the way thru. Haircut, decent clothes, makeup - just plain decent looking, like I used to. If nothing else, just to brush off the little self esteem, I have left.

I managed to sell my lawn mower at a decent price. Enough to get presents for my son and mom, who was celebrating their birthdays. But I couldn't get clothes or a haircut too though. But at least I got some small presents for both of them. That's SO great.

But I can't help to wonder from where I get the money to the next present. I can't keep selling stuff... What happends, when there's nothing left to sell(?)

So my family actually don't have treat me bad, to make me feel useless, worthless and very much alone - I'm already there.