Still here - sort of

Sorry (Clarise) for not writing.

I was knocked out, I'm still on the floor ignoring the judges counting the seconds. 

Other shit has hit, while I was down. 

My BF accused me from stealing from him (long story) I definitely have not. I might be poor, but I'm not either a bad friend or a criminal.

But I'm laying on the floor in the boxing ring and I hear the judge counting down, and I wonder:

Is it worth it anymore?
Is it worth the fight?

The scary part is, that I actually start to think, that I'm tired of this world, I had enough.

Not only do we have to fight a mental disease, but...
When people bad mouth you without consideration of the effect on me and my family...
When they do it at work, instead of remembering, who you really are...
When friends, you thought were friends, turn into anything but!

If I am supposed - on top of that - to be accused of being a thief in the family,  and besides that, I'm just an expense, cause I can't work...

I don't see any changes for the better in my future, each time I have a spark of hope, its taken away immediately - and I have to be honest...
Right now I disappear into an imaginary world of dreams, when I can sleep. 

When i'm awake, I try to escape into worlds like Avatar or similar. 

When I do stuff in the house, it's more like a robot.

I've noticed, I don't smile, I don't laugh, I don't cry. I don't feel sad or happy.
If I feel anything at all, it's tired.
Tired of fighting.