I feel so lost. I can't seem to find myself.
The strong part of me, that actually defines me more than many other of my personal resources, is lost.
A stranger in the family
In my life, up until my husband died, I've done everything correct and what was expected from me in my entire life.
I was the go-to girl, the one always in control. Popular and more than welcome at family get togethers.
Now I'm the black sheep.
Physical symptoms of psychological sickness
I have had difficulties with breathing the last months. It has changed for the worse.Before I felt like I didn't get enough oxygen, now I can only take small breaths, otherwise I feel a stinging pain. And since I don't have a knife planted into my chest, it must be caused by something else
.
I think it's the feeling of being trapped.
Now You See Me - not
I've done exactly what I do "normally", when I've kissed the floor - sort of speak. I put up all my defenses, all psychological shields.
I've also gone hiding from input, protecting myself from the world. I have no outside contact to other than the closest people: my children, my mom and of course my fiance.
Still here - sort of
Sorry (Clarise) for not writing.
I was knocked out, I'm still on the floor ignoring the judges counting the seconds.
Other shit has hit, while I was down.
My BF accused me from stealing from him (long story) I definitely have not. I might be poor, but I'm not either a bad friend or a criminal.
But I'm laying on the floor in the boxing ring and I hear the judge counting down, and I wonder:
Is it worth it anymore?
Is it worth the fight?
The scary part is, that I actually start to think, that I'm tired of this world, I had enough.
Not only do we have to fight a mental disease, but...
When people bad mouth you without consideration of the effect on me and my family...
When they do it at work, instead of remembering, who you really are...
When friends, you thought were friends, turn into anything but!
When people bad mouth you without consideration of the effect on me and my family...
When they do it at work, instead of remembering, who you really are...
When friends, you thought were friends, turn into anything but!
If I am supposed - on top of that - to be accused of being a thief in the family, and besides that, I'm just an expense, cause I can't work...
I don't see any changes for the better in my future, each time I have a spark of hope, its taken away immediately - and I have to be honest...
Right now I disappear into an imaginary world of dreams, when I can sleep.
Right now I disappear into an imaginary world of dreams, when I can sleep.
When i'm awake, I try to escape into worlds like Avatar or similar.
When I do stuff in the house, it's more like a robot.
I've noticed, I don't smile, I don't laugh, I don't cry. I don't feel sad or happy.
If I feel anything at all, it's tired.
Tired of fighting.
If I feel anything at all, it's tired.
Tired of fighting.
Depression and Anxiety returns
From one second to another, my job consultant took away all my progress.
I was a bit exited before the meeting, cause now there might be a solution. Just the hope inside was enough to make me want to get out of bed, even when I was sick and feeling bad.
Now I see no point in getting up, and I haven't really done anything productive since the meeting.
Now I see no point in getting up, and I haven't really done anything productive since the meeting.
The Job Consultant took away my hope
I've been at a meeting today(friday), where I thought I might be cleared to work.
OMG they are incredible. They don't understand anything.
Now I'm noted as having dementia, what the fuck is going on?
I can not breathe in clutter and dirt
I've had this feeling for quite some time: not being able to get enough oxygen.
It's a normal feeling during anxiety attacks, but I have never felt it constantly. But now I do, most of the time.
My mantra
My friend from Quotes and Cartoons send me this mantra, that I sometimes use.
Ive never seen it like this before, but it means a lot to me, so I thought I would share it with all of you.
Health food to fight anxiety and depression
Today it was my weekly trip to the local vegetable pusher.
I start to have a good variety of fruits and juices stuffed in the freezer.
There's so many different fruits out there, the colors a wonderful, smell is fantastic and it's good for us.
Social event with anxiety and depression as date
We're going to dinner and such with my boyfriends company.
That's a challenge in itself, I really don't like to be in a room filled with people, I don't know, but normally I can handle it.
Smoothies and au revoir to bad mood
I've been so sad, angry, tired and irritable lately, that I thought winter depression or seasonal affective disorder had hit me.
I refuse to be so negative all the time, it doesn't make anything better anyway. So I'll force myself into a better mood and then: let's have a talk about smoothies.
I am irritable and restless
I'm so tired and my mind wants to sleep, but my body disagrees.
There's so much stuff going on inside of me this last month, that I'm totally confused. And exhausted.
Because all these conflicting feelings I have inside confuses my mind even more, and I still haven't figured out the reason why.
Sometimes I just want to cover myself up in a blanket and pretend, I don't even exist.
In an attempt to find ease from the thoughts, I start a lot of projects, but don't stick with them for long. I simply can't hold my mind steady on one single project.
My sleeping methods description is about to be so large, that I wanted to make a shortcut to all of them, but then Google messes with my plans, and I don't get further.
Then I start dinner, but burn half of it, because I forget it. And all my time and the food is wasted.
It's simply like I can't succeed in anything right now. Maybe I'm simply affected by seasonal affective disorder. The dark grey weather most certainly does not help the mood. I wish I could afford to travel just a bit. It seems like I mainly spend the last 3 years at the hospital or recovering at home until next surgery. It doesn't feel like I have had a break in anything since 2009. God that's almost 10 years now!
But well, I hope to get a job at some point, so I can travel at least one more time.
And job... After my last experience, I'm not really sure, what I want. I'm not sure what I can handle. Nothing to stressful.
Now I'm restless again, so I'll stop for now and hope, you have a better day.
The little things
(You can thank Google Blogger App for the lack of picture. I'm currently considering which platform to use, since Google apparently cant handle an update of the app...)
Have you ever noticed little important stuff, that during a day pops up and make you set anything else aside, to take care of it, like life depended on it(?)
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